I was staring at the laptop, trying to find a way to continue the chapter for 'It Had To Be Blue' – about half of it was written before I got slammed with the brick wall of writers block. Hate that. So this idea was buzzing around my head and I decided to put it up as a one-shot. It's my first attempt at angst and it isn't especially angsty. It's a genre I'd like to try doing a longer fic for, so I'd like to know what I'm doing right, or wrong for that matter. And it's the first time I tried a Turtle POV, so it'd be nice to know how well that worked too. Let me know by reviewing at the end and telling me!

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine. I did help kidnap Donnie briefly, but that's another story…

Italics are flashbacks.

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It was all my fault, my brother being here at all. If it hadn't been for me he might not even have been out last night.

Mikey and I out on a training run, nothing major, no plans for trouble. When we decided to turn back, it was my idea to head in this direction, me leading and him following close behind, jumping from one building to another, showing off our flips. We were having the time of our lives. It's not often it's just the two of us out on a midnight run, but our other two brothers had elected to stay in the lair. I had been feeling cooped up and I guess Mikey had been too.

How was I to know how the night would end?

I crouch on the rooftop, invisible to anyone looking for me, blending into the shadows. I can feel the tails of my headband flapping in the breeze and my eyes and ears strain for any sign of life. But so far, nothing.

"Hey bro, what say we go topside for a while?"

"Sure thing Raph!"

I close my eyes briefly as I hear our voices echo inside my head, a memory of the throwaway invitation. If I could take it back, just stay in the lair and watch TV…but that kind of thinking isn't helping. I focus instead on watching and waiting.

We ran into trouble in the alley below where I now hide on the roof. Or rather, we saw trouble and jumped in, me first of course. My brothers are all less inclined to rush in, willing to spend a moment assessing the situation before acting. Not me. To me, trouble is just temptation calling and I never could resist temptation. That's why I always thought if things went bad, it would be me to fall. Not Mikey.

I grit my teeth, narrowing my eyes as I see a shadow in the darkened alley. I'm so on edge tonight that I almost have a shuriken flying at it before I realise it's nothing more than a stray cat. Just great. That'd be a tale to tell the others when I get back to the lair – I didn't see the gang who did this to my brother but I did skewer some poor dumb moggy.

Last night there had been a gang in this alley, messing with a door to a shop, what I thought was a little breaking and entering. We're way off Dragon turf and I assumed these guys were new – I didn't recognise the tattoos. That's why we hadn't been expecting to see anything like this, but I was glad that we had. I'm always up for a rumble. I leapt from the rooftop and landed among them, scaring the crap out of them. I heard the soft thud of Mikey's landing even as I ran forward, sai out and ready for business. I wasn't planning to kill them or anything – ha, not then anyway – but the sai is also a great defensive weapon and that's how I used it, relying on punches and kicks to render them helpless. We were outnumbered, but what else is new? There were maybe nine or ten of them and although some were attacking, most were trying to run, trying to escape by going through us. Why didn't that tip me off that something was wrong?

From the corner of my eye I could see Mikey using a nunchaku to fend off a guy trying to land a length of wood on his head. There was a brief struggle and Mikey shoved the guy back and down, taking a few steps toward the shop door they had been messing with to regain his stance in readiness for the next attack…

I wish I could say that I knew something was wrong; that at the last second I tried to warn him, but that would be a lie. One moment I was tussling with a thug, seeing my brother just in my line of sight, the next there was a dull roar and my vision was filled with flames. Instinct made me duck and turn away, trusting that my shell could protect me from the worst of the blast. I couldn't see, couldn't hear, felt the intense heat and had just about enough time to hope Mikey had managed to get out of the way before the initial detonation was over and silence reigned, no sound save for the ringing in my ears and the soft crackle of flames as something inside the shop caught light.

I was on my feet in a moment, trying to make out what was happening through the dense cloud of smoke and dust. It was making my eyes water and I coughed a couple of times, searching for a sign of Mikey. We had to get out of here, before anyone came to investigate.

I glance down into the alley and check out the aftermath of the explosion. The shop's been secured again, door boarded up. There's some debris still littering the alley and a piece of yellow tape that indicates the cops were here and investigating. I got it wrong last night. It wasn't a simple breaking and entering, not with explosives. More likely a protection racket and the shop owner decided not to pay. The gang would have to be total amateurs to use a bomb to open a shop door to rob it – and what does it matter now anyway? Why the hell am I wasting my energy wondering what they were doing? It doesn't matter now. The reasons aren't important; it's the results that brought me back out here tonight.

There was no one left standing, all the thugs down either because of us or because of the explosion. Explains at least why they were trying to run. Making my way to the last place I saw Mikey, I noticed that not only had the door blown into pieces, there were flames around the gap where it had been, giving me some light to see by. I looked down at where the pieces of the door were and noticed something sticking from beneath the debris. A green, three fingered hand.

"MIKEY!"

The jolt of shame and rage and pain that I've been getting every time I think of that moment hits me again, expected but no more welcome. I almost wish I could feel numb to the whole thing just to rid myself of these emotions. I've been seeing that scene, hearing myself yell, over and over again since last night. Rage because it happened, pain because my brother is hurt. Shame because if I had gone home a different way, hesitated for a few moments to see how things were going to go down, then maybe Mikey wouldn't have gotten hurt.

I carried my brother back to the lair over my shoulders, hurrying because I didn't know what to do and was hoping that maybe Donnie would, but trying not to hurt him any further than he already was. He was unconscious, his breathing shallow. I just had to hope there was something that could be done.

Donnie and Master Splinter jumped straight into action, taking Mikey off me and patching him up, trying to work out how serious his injuries were. He was bruised, battered and burnt, evidently close to the explosion and not able to get out of the way in time. There didn't seem to be any life-threatening injury, but he wasn't waking up. That worried all of us. Maybe there was something internal that we couldn't see, couldn't know about. It wasn't as if we could take him to a hospital to be checked out.

I had to explain to Leo what had happened, part of me tensing for confrontation if he gave me a lecture but most of me too worried about Mikey. I didn't need Leo blaming me. I already blamed myself enough. But all he said was that it could have happened to any of us, there was no way of knowing what they were doing.

When Mikey was cleaned up and his wounds dressed, I spent a long half hour alone with him, trying to apologise, find the words to tell him how sorry I was. It shouldn't have happened. I should have waited to see what was going to happen instead of charging in blindly. When Donnie came in and told me I needed my own wounds looking at, I blinked. I hadn't even noticed there were some burns on my arms where I had covered my head. I let Donnie bandage me up and tried to mumble some conversation at Mikey, willing him to wake up and tell me all was forgiven. But he didn't. Master Splinter kicked me out of the room in the end, telling me I needed to rest myself. I wanted to stay with Mikey or failing that, go into the dojo and work off some of the fury I was feeling, directed at the gang who had done this and at myself. But Splinter wouldn't hear of it and I reluctantly went to my own room, lying awake for hours and staring into the darkness, hearing my brothers and Sensei moving around as they tended to Mikey.

Voices, out in the street heading toward the alley I'm guarding. I tense, hoping it's them. It's impossible to see them just yet, the angle's all wrong, but it sounds like there are at least three people. Letting my hands fall to my sai, I wait for them to come into view at the mouth of the alley. But when they finally come into sight, it looks like they've just fallen out of a bar and they don't even glance into the alley. I let out a frustrated breath and wonder if I'm making a mistake, waiting for them here. What if they don't come back?

No, I know they're coming back. I know that for sure.

After an age, I fell into a thin sleep and when I woke up, the lair had gone quiet. For a moment I wondered what it was I could smell burning and then realised the smell was me. I'd not showered when I got back and I'd been pretty close to the explosion myself. In spite of the urge to get rid of the charcoal stink, I didn't get up. It was too quiet out in the lair. What if Mikey had taken a turn for the worse? What if there was some injury that Donnie couldn't fix? What if…

Cutting off that train of thought, I burrowed deeper beneath the covers, but my brain wouldn't let me alone. I didn't want to go out there and find something had happened and as long as I stayed in my room, the images in my head were nothing more than paranoid imaginings.

But I had to find out sooner or later. I forced myself to get off the hammock I use for a bed and made my way into the main area of the lair. Mikey had been lying on the sofa while Donnie tended to him and I went over there, dreading what I might find. Master Splinter was sat meditating – I presumed, he was still and his eyes were closed – in his usual chair. Of Donnie and Leo there was no sign.

Mikey was lying still, eyes closed, but I could detect the rise and fall of his plastron as he breathed and I let out a sigh of relief. Until then, I don't think I realised how far I'd gone to convincing myself that because of my recklessness, my brother might not have lived through the night.

As I stood beside the sofa, Mikey opened his eyes and gave me a weak grin. "Hey Raph. Did we win?"

"Mikey!" I knelt down next to him and gave him a one-armed hug, mindful of his injuries. "You scared the crap outta me!"

There was a moment's pause and I looked at the floor. "Look Mikey, I just wanted to say – I'm really sorry."

Mikey looked mystified. "Why?"

"I shouldn't have jumped in there; I should have waited to see what they were up to…"

"It wasn't your fault," said Mikey dismissively. "Who knew they were gonna start blowing things up?"

I felt better knowing that he didn't blame me, but the guilt was still there. I blamed myself. Mikey seemed to sense it, because he tried to sit up, grinning. "Hey Raph, you feel like coming on a pizza run?"

"You're going nowhere bro," said Donnie, exiting the kitchen with a tray. "You stay right there."

"Awww…" Mikey rolled his eyes and I managed a grin. If there was anything Mikey hated, it was being forced to rest up. The only person worse for being a bad patient was me. I turned toward Donnie and noticed Master Splinter had one eye open, a smile on his face. I felt embarrassed. I'd forgotten he was sat there.

I spent what was left of the daylight hours trying to keep Mikey entertained. I love my brother, don't get me wrong, but bored Mikey can wear on a guys nerves. On top of that, I was struggling to keep a lid on my anger. Some one had hurt him and they were going to pay.

In the distance, a clock chimes. 2am. Where are they? I left the lair the moment I was sure it was dark, not telling Leo or Donnie I was leaving. I keep expecting them to find me at any moment and tell me I'm being rash, hot-headed, but so far they haven't showed. Maybe they know this is something I have to do.

The gang blew the door off the shop below, not a robbery but a warning. Pay up or else. Everyone knows that the shop was hit last night. All that's left is to make sure the whole neighbourhood gets the message and the most obvious way to do that is to spray the gangs tag onto the shop, claiming responsibility and warning anyone else foolish enough to mess with them what was likely to happen. There was no tag, so they haven't been here yet. Shouldn't be much longer though. Some stuff you have to do at night.

Come out and play with me. I'll show you what happens when you hurt one of my brothers.