He finds it disgusting that people can have such little regard for others. No matter what he says, he will always be a rookie in this renowned unit…he has not yet seen enough to be considered a veteran and he can still sleep at night. And now he's leaving, going off to Narcotics where there is no true victim, only the drug dealers, the drugs, and the junkies they have created. The Special Victims Unit was not, and probably never will be, the place for him.
Of all the things Brian least expected, to be handed an off-the-record "case" while assisting on another one was definitely one of them. He'd only been half-listening to the captain when he was talking. He thinks now that it was probably why he had been affected so profoundly. But the truth is that he is looking for something, anything to blame for what he had seen. And the problem is that he knows there is nothing else. He wonders as he walks how the others can stand to remain where they are, how they can stand to see what they see.
The answer is simple, Brian thinks as he continues on his path. They're older. They've seen more. They've had more time in. They're used to it and they know how to bottle their emotions. He, on the other hand, does not. And that is why he's carrying his things in a box and heading home until the transfer to Narcotics is complete. Transferring is the easy way out, he thinks, berating himself slightly. He could have handled it if he wanted to, or so he tells himself, but he knows that he is a fool for thinking it and so he gives it up.
He thinks about the little assignment Captain Cragen gave him on the side as he comes to a stop at the crosswalk, and he is glad that none of the older detectives witnessed his little breakdown afterwards. Brian wants to know why things such as rape and assault and murder exist in the world, but there is no simple answer to this question. He wants to let go of the images in his mind, wants to make them go away, but he can't. They are there and they will remain until he has been away for a while, until working SVU is nothing but a distant memory.
Brian wonders how people can still be so trusting even when they have been betrayed once or twice before. He wonders how that girl had enough trust to go along with someone she'd thought she'd known, only to be attacked by him and his friends. He wonders how she had enough faith to sit there in the sand, wrapped only in a beach towel, waiting for someone to help her, only to be attacked again. Brian begins to walk again, knowing and hating the fact that she was the victim of her own innocence, and it happens more often than he'd like it to.
His thoughts change as he crosses the street again, this time coming to rest on the other detectives of the unit. As much as he hates to admit it, he admires them, because he can see in them everything that he wants to someday be. He wonders if they know what others think of them, and he wonders if they care. Probably not, he muses to himself, if they did, they wouldn't be there, in SVU, handling the worst crimes in all of New York City. But they are, and he was, for a little while. He is proud of what he and the others have done during their time together. He is a little more than saddened by the levels of depravity he has seen during that time. He is more than relieved that there still exist the sort of people willing to fight it, and he is glad that he had the chance to work alongside them.
Brian's thoughts wander back towards that assignment and he wonders if that girl will ever be able to really trust someone again. He wonders if she has been so severely betrayed that she will remain to herself for the rest of her days. And he hopes not. No one, he thinks, deserves something such as that, no matter what they have done. And even if he hadn't worked SVU, his opinion would not change. He has seen too much to believe otherwise, and he knows the others have too. But such is the life of a police officer, he tells himself, we see things that no one in their right mind would ever want to see of their own accord.
He comes to a stop at another crosswalk and looks up at the sky, unable to see the stars, but still comforted by the familiar sight. Life, he thinks, is too precious to be taken for granted. And yet some still do. He wonders if it is because they think they are invincible, that they cannot die. But at the same time he thinks that it is because they do not understand, and that is because they have not seen. For every crime, Brian thinks, there is a case. And for every case, there is a detective. For every detective, there is a heart on a sleeve. And for every heart on a sleeve, there is a chance that said heart will be broken, time and time again, by everything that the eyes have seen and will see.
He continues to walk as the light changes, dreading and waiting for tomorrow…for another day, and another chance to make things right.
A/N: wow. Don't even get me started on how much of an idiot I am…this post-ep is really, really late…but hey. Moving in makes me bored, therefore, I write and here it is. As you already know, SVU is not mine nor do I claim it to be so…even though I seriously wish it was.