The excited chatter of the class died away as Itachi walked into the room. He turned to fully face the room full of giggling girls with a great reluctance.
"Welcome to Akatsuki's first ever creative writing and fanfiction workshop," he began, silencing the laughter in the room with his world-famous, patented Uchiha Clan Death Glare (of Doom) ™.
"It is my hope that it will teach you how to compose decent stories that do not threaten the very fabric of my sanity. I swear, if I read another fanfic where I end up a pile of mushy, out of character Bishounen goo, I will kill you and your entire family."
He sighed, and turned to the whiteboard. Uncapping a marker, he began to write.
Day One: Fanfiction 101 (A.K.A 'Yes, You too can Avoid Writing Crappy Fanfiction')
Basic grammar and spelling: Hidan
OC's and Alternate Universe- Deidara
Characterization/ OOC- Kisame
Mary Sue/ Marty Stu- Pain
Pairings- Sasori
Day Two: Advanced Fanfiction Writing (A.K.A 'Things that Aren't Really Advanced But We Called Advanced for Lack of a Better Term')
Spelling and Grammar Part Two- Kakuzu Crack/ Humor: Hidan
Romance and Lemons: Konan
Purple Prose/Summaries- Madara
Yaoi and Pairings- yours truly.
Reviews/Flames: Deidara
Putting it all Together: Akatsuki
The class giggling started as soon as Itachi wrote the word 'Yaoi.' Itachi turned back to the class with a cool indifference.
"The information outlined here is what shall be covered in the first day. I sincerely hope that, once you have completed this two day seminar, you shall be a competent writer, capable of publishing decent stories," he said, making a weak attempt at a smile.
Amongst the whispers and squeals of, "he's so cute!" Itachi managed to continue.
"Many of the fanfiction that was submitted before this seminar was, quite frankly, abysmal. I've never wanted to gouge my own eyes out more badly than after I read a hundred badly written sex scenes."
A girl in the back raised her hand.
"Yes?" Itachi asked, exasperated.
"We're just teenagers," she defended, pouting. "I'm only thirteen- you can't expect me to be that good of a writer."
"Funny," Itachi replied. "Because when I was your age, I was inducted to the ANBU black ops, where I was made captain after less than a week. I killed my whole clan in a single night, and became a member of an infamous organization. What have you done? Written a, quite frankly, horrible piece of fanfiction. Congratulations."
His retort was met with blank stares.
"It seems as though you are also lacking in wit," he added. He closed his eyes and waved his hand, metaphorically brushing away the last half a minute.
"For those of you unable to read, the whiteboard outlines the schedule for the seminar. Each of you is free to ask whatever question you like during the segments. There will be a ten-minute break in between lessons and a half an hour break for lunch. Any questions?"
A couple of hands went up.
"Are you single?" One of them asked.
Itachi promptly blushed bright red.
"…I refuse to answer that question. Anyone else?"
"Whom was Madara talking about when he said you killed your lover?"
His blush shifted from red to maroon.
"…Um, I-"
"Was it Shisui?"
"…You have a few minutes to get ready before Hidan gets here for the first lesson," Itachi said, promptly running from the room.
He slammed the door, leaning forward and trying to regain his composure.
"…Damn fangirls," he muttered, running his fingers through his long, black hair.
"Hey, you in there Itachi?" Hidan asked. "I'm just itchin' to get in there with the little whores."
"Yes," Itachi said. "Just remember, you're not allowed to kill any of them."
"I know, I know. Things aren't quite the same around here, are they? Can't even kill a damn bitch."
"And please try to watch your mouth in there," Itachi added.
"No promises."
Hidan walked into the room with flair, met with a whirl of squeeing and sighing.
"…I have a feeling this will be the longest two days of my life," Itachi said under his breath, as the door banged shut.
He'd have to work on his Death Glare (of Doom)