This is a parody I was suddenly inspired to write. Don't blame me; blame my muse.
Disclaimer: I do not own. JK does.
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Harry decided he didn't like Dumbledore any more. No, wait, he had decided he now hated Dumbledore.
Because Dumbledore had controlled his life up until now. That stupid bastard of a headmaster hadn't told him the prophecy before now. And why? To "protect him", of course! Harry didn't need protecting! He had defeated basilisks, escaped from werewolves, duelled with Voldemort and death eaters and survived! He'd been in more danger under Dumbledore's care than anywhere else!
Harry decided he was having no more of it. He was going to sneak past his guards outside Privet drive with his invisibility cloak, and go to Diagon Alley, and buy loads of stuff with all his money, and then he was going to….. Well, actually, he had no idea what he was going to do after that, but he'd figure something out. All the best plans are made up on the spot!
Harry decided that he might as well do it now. After all, it was better than sitting here sulking. And brooding over Sirius' death, which he had been doing for the past three weeks. But he was past that now. Sure, he still broke down occasionally (and when someone said the word 'Serious'), but that could be dealt with.
Harry glanced at his clock. It was 6am. Why was he awake at 6am? He had no idea. At least it just happened to be the perfect time to escape this place forever. Harry opened his window and stuck his head out. Looking down, he could see a grimy boot and a head sticking out of some bushes underneath his window. It was Mundungus, and he was asleep. Well, that was handy!
Harry sneaked downstairs, his invisibility cloak and his wand in hand. He put on the invisibility cloak, opened the front door, and walked out. That was easy.
Soon, Harry had made it to a nearby street where there were no houses, only empty grocery shops, estate agents, a place selling insurance and a travel agent. He stuck out his right arm and jumped when the Knight Bus appeared in front of him.
"'Ello, oo's there? I don't see 'neeone, Ernie!"
Harry had forgotten he had the invisibility cloak on! He quickly whipped it off, making Stan Shunpike jump. He muttered "Diagon Alley" to the stunned conductor, and slipped him a galleon. "You can keep the change if you don't shout my name to the bus," said Harry.
Stan agreed with him, and Harry climbed the stairs to the second floor on the bus, which was empty except for an old man snoozing in a bed at the front.
Harry picked a bed at the back, and settled down to wait.
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An hour later, Harry was dropped off in front on the Leaky cauldron. The street was empty, as it was only a quarter past seven in the morning. The little pub was empty too, except for Tom, who was dozing at the bar. Harry quickly passed through and soon he was walking down Diagon Alley towards Gringotts. All the shops were just opening, but Harry was lucky and nobody noticed him.
Harry entered into Gringotts, which had opened promptly at seven, and was thankful that the entire room was empty of people, except for the goblins. Harry spotted Griphook at a counter. Harry wasn't sure how he recognised Griphook; he just knew the goblin that he had seen for a very short period of time a very long time ago instantly.
Harry walked up to that counter and said "Hello, Griphook!"
Griphook burst into tears and said, "Mister Potter! I am very honoured that you remembered me! I shall make you an honorary member of the goblin community for being so polite! I am forever in your debt! Let me show you all your vaults!"
Harry was a bit taken aback. He decided to accept Griphook's kindness for now, and was about to follow Griphook through a doorway when it registered that Griphook had said 'vaults'. Harry questioned him about it.
"Oh, yes," said Griphook, leading Harry through various tunnels, "Didn't you know, Mr Potter? You family had seven different secret vaults under Gringotts, each with many different items. I think one contains books, another weapons, another contains paperwork and some portraits, three with various cool magical objects, and the biggest is full of money. You were meant to be informed of your wealth when you turned 13. Didn't you get the letters we sent you?"
"No, Griphook, I didn't. Who would have kept them from me?"
"Well, it could have been your official magical guardian, Albus Dumbledore. But I don't know why he would! But someone must have intercepted them, Mr Potter, and they must have been very powerful, because Gringotts uses magical, enchanted owls to send its letters, and they can't be touched by the average wizard."
Harry's anger at Dumbledore grew. That lying, using, total BASTARD! Harry was enraged, and told Griphook of his discovery that Dumbledore was evil and just using him as a pawn.
"I can't imagine Dumbledore doing that, Mr Potter, but if you say it, it must be true. Come to think of it, I think Dumbledore has been taking secret withdrawals from your bank account here! We just assumed he had your permission, since he was your official magical guardian. I think I shall get the council of Goblin Elders to ban Dumbledore from this bank, and we shall publish why! You are our best customer, Mr Potter, even though you have been here very few times. You are the best simply because of the amount of stuff you have here!"
"Thank you for telling me all this, Griphook, and please, just call me Harry. I consider you a friend, and I do not like my friends addressing me so formally!"
Griphook burst into tears again as they climbed into a cart. "You must be one of the best wizards alive, Mr Potter, I mean, Harry! No-one else has ever been so kind to us! We shall have to think of a huge way to repay you!"
Harry and Griphook chatted casually as the cart roared through all the tunnels. The ride went smoothly, except for once when Griphook used the word "Serious" and Harry started weeping uncontrollably. But he soon stopped, and the casual conversation continued. All too soon, they stood in front of a huge granite door, which was at least three times as tall as Hagrid and over five times wider. It was engraved with the Potter crest.
"What happened to my old vault?" asked Harry.
"That was merely a trust fund your parents set up," said Griphook, "So that you would have quick access to money before you were old enough to use the main vaults."
"How do I go in?" asked Harry, "As the door has no handle!"
"That's easy!" Replied Griphook. "All you have to do is make a cut on your palm with a knife, and hold it up against the crest on the door, and shout your full name really loudly."
Harry noticed that a small knife had mysteriously appeared beside him. He slit his right hand, held it against the crest and yelled, "I AM HARRY JAMES POTTER!"
The doors swung open, to reveal the biggest pile of gold Harry had ever seen in his life! It was bigger than anything he could have imagined. He probably had more money than the Blacks, the Malfoys, the Notts, the Zabinis and Voldemort all added up and multiplied by seven.
Sitting just inside the door was a note. Harry picked it up and started to read.
"Dear Harry, if you're reading this, then we're dead. Sorry about that. We really wanted to see you grow up. I hope that you're happy living with Sirius, as our will clearly specifies. If Sirius can't take care of you, then you should be with one of the other 8 secondary guardian choices and DEFINITELY not with the Dursleys. You should be reading this on your 13th birthday, as we have told Gringotts. Anyways, we're secret zillionaires and we own half of the wizarding world, so you're now the most politically powerful and the richest wizard on the planet. In Gringotts, there are seven different vaults belonging to you. It turns out that your mother isn't actually a muggle-born, but she was adopted and is actually the secret heir of Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. So you're a pureblood too. In all of your different vaults, you will find long-lost books that contain a cure for lycanthropy, the after-effects of the cruciatus curse and information on loads of other things that we didn't do. There will be also loads of cool weapons that we really shouldn't even own, never mind be passing them on to our underage son. There will also be deeds for all the properties and businesses you own. For example, you now own Hogwarts, the land the ministry is built on, 74 different properties in 24 various countries, and shares in practically all of the companies in the wizarding world, as well as loads for the muggle world too. Anyway, we have to go. We love you, Mum and Dad.
PS, We made Peter Pettigrew the secret keeper and Dumbledore knows this. Hopefully Peter's not actually on Voldemort's side, because if he is, we're screwed!"
Harry dropped the letter and started weeping uncontrollably again! Harry suddenly missed his parents so much; it was like they had died the previous morning, rather than years and years ago so that he could now hardly remember them!
And Dumbledore! He had known about this! He had known the Wormtail was the secret-keeper, and yet he had still sent Sirius to jail! (The thought of Sirius made Harry cry even harder). Harry hated Dumbledore with all his heart and he felt himself stop crying as the need for revenge took over.
He would get Dumbledore back. Harry would get his revenge someday, and with any luck, it would be someday soon!
Harry dried his eyes and got up off the floor, where he had collapsed when he was crying like a little girl. The tidied himself up a bit, and then Griphook helped him sort out all his money and cool new stuff.
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It was seven hours later, at half past 2, when Harry was finally done. He covered himself in a cloak he had found, which made him utterly unremarkable and unrememberable, slipped his new wand ( 15 inches, made of Phoenix oak, a remarkably rare type of tree, with cores of phoenix feather, dementor blood, some of his own blood, and some vampire spit, amazingly elastic and the ministry couldn't detect any magic cast with it.) up into his new wand holster, put his old wand on another holster on his other arm and had a magical shrinking multi-compartmental trunk in his pocket.
The trunk had around 73 different compartments, all of which were room-sized and linked through a special inter-trunk floo-portal thingy. Harry had packed plenty of items into it, and it was now fully furnished. So he didn't have to go shopping. He decided to go shopping anyway. He said a cheery goodbye to Griphook, and they promised to meet up for coffee sometime soon.
Harry spent the rest of the day shopping with his new credit card that Griphook had made especially for him. The money was taken directly from his vault, but he had so much, he practically bought out Diagon and Knockturn Alley and they didn't even make a dent in his huge amount of money.
Harry finished shopping, and had to decide where he was going to stay. The answer soon came to him.
Harry went out into London and caught the underground to the biggest and poshest hotel he could find. He sneaked in and went up in the lift to the top floor. Once there, he found a room that a maid was cleaning, and he stunned her and dragged her out. He then proceeded to cast the fidelius charm on the hotel room, and moved in.
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Harry had found a time-turner in his parent's vault and so by the time the end of the summer holidays came, he was five years older. He had spent most of those five years training non-stop. It was lucky that his trunk had a pantry that was charmed so that it would never run out.
Harry was five years older, and had learned a multitude of different spells. He was also much taller and stronger. On the last day of August, he decided it was time to go and defeat Voldemort.
Harry had been able to track Voldemort down with very little bother indeed, thanks to the old, forgotten, cool tracking charms that had been in his parents' old books. Voldemort hadn't known about those spells, so he couldn't block them.
The battle was short and very one-sided. Harry was obviously SO much more powerful than Voldemort, and by the end Voldemort was begging for mercy. Harry killed him with one quick curse.
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Harry then apparated into Hogwarts (using a combination of cool old spells he had learnt and his awesome power) and right into Dumbledore's office. Where, conveniently, a meeting of the Order of the phoenix was taking place. Harry, also rather conveniently, landed in what seemed to be the only empty spot in the entire room, as it was filled with Order members who were staring in shock at him.
Harry decided now would be a good time to start yelling at Dumbledore. Unfortunately, Dumbledore had decided to speak first.
"Harry, my boy! Is that you? You've changed! How are you? Where have you been? Are you alright? Did you see Voldemort? Were you living in a nice place? Did you eat properly? Did you buy any socks? Do you want a lemon drop?"
"DUMBLEDORE! YOU ARE A LIFE-RUINER! I HATE YOU! YOU HAVE BEEN MANIPULATING ME MY ENTIRE LIFE, YOU FUCKING BASTARD! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I'VE KILLED VOLDEMORT FOR YOU, BUT DON'T EXPECT ME TO DO ANY MORE OF YOUR DIRTY WORK! FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER PAWN! I'M NEVER COMING BACK TO HOGWARTS!..."
Harry continued in this vein for some time. Eventually, Dumbledore got tired of his ranting and raving and cast a silencing charm on him.
"Well, Harry. I never knew you knew such colourful language. Where did you learn it? I hope it wasn't in Hogwarts!" Dumbledore chuckled, while Harry ranted on silently, apparently unaware that he wasn't making any noise. "I do hope you enjoyed yourself, my dear boy, even though I didn't know where you were at! You mustn't do that again, by the way. Wait, did you say you killed Voldemort? Well, in that case, you may now leave and put yourself in as much danger as you want! If you have defeated Voldemort, I am sure you can handle yourself in any dangerous situation you care to name! If you don't want to come back to Hogwarts, so be it. You don't need any more magical education, if you have just defeated Voldemort. So I wish you all the best in life! Ta-ta now!"
Harry seemed to be calming down a little now, so Dumbledore took the charm off him, and popped another lemon drop in his mouth.
"AND, those lemon drops taste horrible! Jelly beans are WAY nicer! So there!"
Harry hadn't been listening to Dumbledore while he was yelling his head off, so Dumbledore said again, "Harry, congratulations on defeating Voldemort! I won't force you to do anything, I never did! You must be determined to hate me! Although,"- Dumbledore chuckled- "You most certainly aren't the first. So, you can go off and do anything you want now! I would appreciate it immensely if you didn't go and get yourself killed, but you are your own person, and I hope you have a very happy life in the future!"
Harry was speechless. He looked around the room and saw Ron and Hermione. They were obviously members of the order. If looks could turn people into quivering piles of jelly, Rom and Hermione would be extra-quivery strawberry. Harry started yelling at them.
"YOU! You back-stabbers! You life-ruiners! Betrayers! Grasses! Informers! Judases! I hate you! Never come near me again! So there!"
Harry stopped ranting. There was an uncomfortable silence. Then,
"I don't suppose you want to join the Order?" Asked Dumbledore.
Rolling his eyes, Harry apparated (once again using the cool old spells and his awesome power) back to his hotel room.
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Three days later, Harry was moving house. It had taken him three days to recover from the apparitions and killing Voldemort and pack up all his stuff, clean the hotel room and change it back to the way it was normally (he'd made it bigger on the inside, added loads more rooms and wards, and changed the hideous décor).
He then decided to go to Australia; he wasn't sure why. He'd never been there before.
So Harry bought a lane ticket and flew to Australia. Once there, he decided that he loved it and moved there.
He met a girl called Mary-Sue Selena Moonlight-Sunbeam, fell in love and got married. They moved into a bigger house. She accepted the fact he was a ultra-powerful wizard who had killed the evilest Dark Lord ever with very little fuss. They had 8 children (James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, Rose, Sally, Jack and Amy, in that order).
And then they lived happily ever after.