I don't know why I did any of those things that night. It was all in vain... It was all...so....hopeless.
He didn't want me then. He doesn't want me now. Even if he did - he never said anything. He never spoke of the love I offered him, he never spoke of the times I sacrificed everything that was important to me.
My pride.
It had been a warm night and I couldn't sleep. If that was to do with the heat or with...something else...well. I'll let you decide that.
We had been arguing, the day before. About climbing Infinity Mountain. He had said it would be suicide to climb, that we wouldn't be able to protect ourselves up there. I said we had to climb, that we needed to see the island as a whole. We argued mindlessly for a while, dragging Jou into our debate. Now it seems so trivial, but then....I guess we were just scared.
Anyway, I was saying, I couldn't get to sleep, so I wandered out into the night. It was a bright night, the moon or whatever it was, sent long, eerie shadows from the rocks, dotted around the entrance to the cave where the others were sleeping. I had planned just to walk a little way out, just to sit on the cliff edge...and think. Something I hadn't had time to do recently...Not that I thought a lot, after all it had only been four days, and before all this had happened I never really had any worries.
But now...
There was too much to think about. My mind was on overload as I walked out to the cliff edge. Seeing him there just made me snap, made my mind completely reset. I thought I was going to pass out as he turned his eyes towards me, those deep blue, god forsaken eyes meeting mine. The moonlight lit his features beautifully, his hair was dark in the shadows but glistened like gold in silver air. He looked at me, searching my eyes. I remained still and silent, my gaze held with his, as if I was in a trance.
"What are you doing here?" he asked eventually. His voice was calm, but I could see from his eyes he was nervous. He didn't know why anyone would be there, let alone me. To be honest, I didn't know why I was there either. But there I was...
He turned away when I didn't reply, casting his eyes up the mountain, sighing as he did so. I took a few, slow steps towards him, but he didn't turn around. Instead he spoke.
"You know, maybe it would be good if we climbed the mountain," his voice sounded expressionless, as if he were just thinking aloud "we could see all over the island....all over.." he paused, glancing down over the edge of the cliff. I took another few steps nearer him. This time he turned to face me. "Wherever this place is, whatever it is. We might be able to find a way out of it," his eyes were searching mine now, almost desperate for a reply. Still I said nothing, moving closer to him, I considered putting my hand on his shoulder - I needed to support myself from the emotions rushing through me, but he turned again, suddenly. I pulled my hand back quickly, surprised at his sudden movement. He seemed not to care as he began again.
"Doesn't it scare you? The thought of never being able to get home?" I felt a hint of panic in his usually calm voice. Panic I hadn't heard before. "Did it never cross your mind we could be stranded here for good? We could never get home, we could die here! We could die....right now..." his voice trailed into a whisper. I thought I saw his shoulders shake for a second, as his voice trembled with his words. He glanced again over the cliff edge, this time I saw the terror and fear in his eyes. I couldn't help myself as I took hold of his shoulder, pulling him back from the edge, turning him to face me. I put my free hand on his other shoulder, shaking him slightly, freeing the tears from his eyes.
"No one's gonna die" I said, pulling him closer to me. I don't know why I did it, it just comforted me to have him close to me right then, at that moment. I felt his arms wrap themselves round me tightly, as if he were falling away. His tears ran silently down his cheek, the only sound his panicked breathing, gasping as if he were running away from the thoughts plaguing his mind. I wiped away his tears with my hand, wishing at that moment only to make him happy, to stop his pessimistic thoughts from taking him away.
"It's okay" I whispered softly, gently touching his dampened cheek. I was overwhelmed being so close to him, feeling his breath on my face. I felt my heart sink as he began to move his arms away from me, resting his hands on my shoulders as I had to him. He just stared at me for what seemed like an eternity, those beautiful blue eyes locked with mine. He didn't believe it was all okay, that there was nothing to fear, but then neither did I.
Slowly, I began to move forward, pushing him back against the rock wall, its shadow hiding us almost completely from view. Not that I cared right then. All that mattered was to be close to him, to make him see I was there for him, that nothing could change it, no matter what happened I'd be there. I slipped my arm around his neck, and feeling no resistance from him, around his back. I had no idea how he would react, and I probably wouldn't have cared if he hadn't done the same, pulling me closer to him. I looked into his eyes, not knowing it would be the last and only time I would see his true feelings for me, the true way he felt. Then I kissed him, and he returned the favour.
Little did I know that would be it. I was young at the time, I couldn't do anything else. I felt so overwhelmed and scared by the feeling...
But now I guess it's too late for me to feel anything, he's all grown up now, and he's happy. Always happy. Maybe it wasn't just me who made him see it would be okay in the end, but I went through so much for him...
To make him see I was there, to make him see he would make it through. I gave up everything that was important to me to make him see that. I gave up my pride and everything I believed in.
Because I loved him.