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Heyheyhoo. x_o.; Here's another fic featuring the MacDougall brothers. This is.. *pause* ...five years before Outlaw Star takes place. From Ron's point of view. (Just like almost all my OLS fics. O_o.;) In case you don't know, Niisan = Older brother. That's what Harry calls Ron in the anime, so there we go. ^^.; 'Kay. Got some yaoi themes and all, but coming from Anago-chan, that's no surprise. This is a little confusing at the end. But I like the overall idea...
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Disclaimer: *sigh* Nope. I don't own Outlaw Star yet.
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Questioning...
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"Niisan..." Harry said, breaking off our kiss and breathing heavily. "...Are we bad people?"
Why did you have to ask me that, Harry?
It was the same question that was always there, lurking in the back of my mind, always making me uneasy. But I didn't want to tell him that. I didn't know how to answer him.
"Why would you think that?" I asked.
He frowned. He was thirteen years old, and still he managed to look so much younger, and so much older, at the same time. Though I tried so hard, I knew I would never really understand him.
"The way we kill people without ever giving it a second thought," he said. "That... it can't be right, can it?"
I hesitated. "It's just our way of making a living," I said finally, pretty much avoiding the question. "You know if we didn't, there's no way we could stay alive and all. Life is expensive." I knew it was a weak argument. "Besides, it's not like we know them, or have any emotional attachment to them," I added, sitting up on the couch. I realized that was an even worse reason. Just because it didn't matter to us didn't mean no one else was hurt by it.
"What about our parents?" he asked quietly. His wide, violet eyes were questioning. He had only been five when I killed them. I was near the same age he was now. Not quite thirteen. Just a kid. No one thought I'd have been brave enough to go through with it. But I did.
And it had been because I loved him.
I'd always loved Harry, ever since the beginning.
I knew he wasn't your typical human, that he'd been created in a lab. But why should that matter? We were so different, and yet so much alike. I was the strong one, the protector. He was small, delicate, vulnerable. We were both outcasts, and never had real friends except for each other.
Everyone says it's normal to love your brother, but wrong to *love* your brother. Why? Why is that so wrong? Why, when all you've ever wanted to do is protect him, to stay by his side, to hold him, touch him and kiss him...
The people that called themselves our parents... They thought it was wrong, too. They said he was my brother, that they'd never allow it, that they'd have to keep me away from him. Like I was some kind of sick, demented freak.
Which is why I had to kill them.
Sure, it was a brash decision, but I had to. I wouldn't let anything come between little Harry and myself.
So one evening when they walked in through the front door, I took out my father's gun. I'm sure they thought I was just bluffing. Everyone had always thought of me as a coward. But when I pulled the trigger on my father, then my mother... I showed them all otherwise.
Harry was crying, hard. He was so young and scared, hiding behind me and clinging to my leg. But in the instant that I fired the gun, I was crying, too. Not out of remorse. I never regretted it. I think I was terrified by the fact that it was so simple. Ending a life just like that, and not really having any qualms about it...
I shook myself. That was long in the past now. It didn't bother me anymore. Wasn't that right? I gazed at Harry's beautiful face, swallowing.
"They had it coming. I killed them for a reason, you know. So I could be with you. That one wasn't for money, it was for a good cause."
Harry looked entirely unconvinced, but seemed to give in for the time being. "I guess you're right," he sighed, resting his head on my shoulder. I picked up the remote and turned on the TV. After a few seconds, he jumped up, snatched it away from me, and turned it back off, suddenly angry. "No, you're not right! You can't honestly tell me that you've never felt that sudden pang of guilt over what you've done!"
"That's true. I can't." I sighed. "But, Harry, you've got to understand..." He was staring at me, staring through me. I shivered. "...That's all it is. A sudden feeling that doesn't last more than a heartbeat. Every once in a while, you'll feel guilty for a moment, but that's it. It's not enough to ruin your life, so you shouldn't worry about it. After all, we have a good life, right? It's worth it, isn't it?"
He gave me another scrutinizing look, then nodded slowly. "Yeah... I'll just... ignore it, then." He paused and smiled. "So we're okay?"
I smiled back, and kissed his cheek lightly. "Yeah. We're okay."
I knew that what I'd just said was a lie. I wondered what I might have done just then... if by telling him to ignore when something was telling him what he was doing was wrong, I had started to destroy his conscience, to talk him out of human emotion...
I felt terrible then, as I thought back to his original question.
Yes.
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Did that make sense? O_o.; Oh well.
-----------------------------------------
Heyheyhoo. x_o.; Here's another fic featuring the MacDougall brothers. This is.. *pause* ...five years before Outlaw Star takes place. From Ron's point of view. (Just like almost all my OLS fics. O_o.;) In case you don't know, Niisan = Older brother. That's what Harry calls Ron in the anime, so there we go. ^^.; 'Kay. Got some yaoi themes and all, but coming from Anago-chan, that's no surprise. This is a little confusing at the end. But I like the overall idea...
-----------------------------------------
Disclaimer: *sigh* Nope. I don't own Outlaw Star yet.
-----------------------------------------
Questioning...
-----------------------------------------
"Niisan..." Harry said, breaking off our kiss and breathing heavily. "...Are we bad people?"
Why did you have to ask me that, Harry?
It was the same question that was always there, lurking in the back of my mind, always making me uneasy. But I didn't want to tell him that. I didn't know how to answer him.
"Why would you think that?" I asked.
He frowned. He was thirteen years old, and still he managed to look so much younger, and so much older, at the same time. Though I tried so hard, I knew I would never really understand him.
"The way we kill people without ever giving it a second thought," he said. "That... it can't be right, can it?"
I hesitated. "It's just our way of making a living," I said finally, pretty much avoiding the question. "You know if we didn't, there's no way we could stay alive and all. Life is expensive." I knew it was a weak argument. "Besides, it's not like we know them, or have any emotional attachment to them," I added, sitting up on the couch. I realized that was an even worse reason. Just because it didn't matter to us didn't mean no one else was hurt by it.
"What about our parents?" he asked quietly. His wide, violet eyes were questioning. He had only been five when I killed them. I was near the same age he was now. Not quite thirteen. Just a kid. No one thought I'd have been brave enough to go through with it. But I did.
And it had been because I loved him.
I'd always loved Harry, ever since the beginning.
I knew he wasn't your typical human, that he'd been created in a lab. But why should that matter? We were so different, and yet so much alike. I was the strong one, the protector. He was small, delicate, vulnerable. We were both outcasts, and never had real friends except for each other.
Everyone says it's normal to love your brother, but wrong to *love* your brother. Why? Why is that so wrong? Why, when all you've ever wanted to do is protect him, to stay by his side, to hold him, touch him and kiss him...
The people that called themselves our parents... They thought it was wrong, too. They said he was my brother, that they'd never allow it, that they'd have to keep me away from him. Like I was some kind of sick, demented freak.
Which is why I had to kill them.
Sure, it was a brash decision, but I had to. I wouldn't let anything come between little Harry and myself.
So one evening when they walked in through the front door, I took out my father's gun. I'm sure they thought I was just bluffing. Everyone had always thought of me as a coward. But when I pulled the trigger on my father, then my mother... I showed them all otherwise.
Harry was crying, hard. He was so young and scared, hiding behind me and clinging to my leg. But in the instant that I fired the gun, I was crying, too. Not out of remorse. I never regretted it. I think I was terrified by the fact that it was so simple. Ending a life just like that, and not really having any qualms about it...
I shook myself. That was long in the past now. It didn't bother me anymore. Wasn't that right? I gazed at Harry's beautiful face, swallowing.
"They had it coming. I killed them for a reason, you know. So I could be with you. That one wasn't for money, it was for a good cause."
Harry looked entirely unconvinced, but seemed to give in for the time being. "I guess you're right," he sighed, resting his head on my shoulder. I picked up the remote and turned on the TV. After a few seconds, he jumped up, snatched it away from me, and turned it back off, suddenly angry. "No, you're not right! You can't honestly tell me that you've never felt that sudden pang of guilt over what you've done!"
"That's true. I can't." I sighed. "But, Harry, you've got to understand..." He was staring at me, staring through me. I shivered. "...That's all it is. A sudden feeling that doesn't last more than a heartbeat. Every once in a while, you'll feel guilty for a moment, but that's it. It's not enough to ruin your life, so you shouldn't worry about it. After all, we have a good life, right? It's worth it, isn't it?"
He gave me another scrutinizing look, then nodded slowly. "Yeah... I'll just... ignore it, then." He paused and smiled. "So we're okay?"
I smiled back, and kissed his cheek lightly. "Yeah. We're okay."
I knew that what I'd just said was a lie. I wondered what I might have done just then... if by telling him to ignore when something was telling him what he was doing was wrong, I had started to destroy his conscience, to talk him out of human emotion...
I felt terrible then, as I thought back to his original question.
Yes.
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Did that make sense? O_o.; Oh well.
-----------------------------------------