The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone off somewhere to protest something. Just something that came into my head thanks to both current events and slightly inspired by Gregorian 12's fic Keeping Safe In Tough Times.
Livening Up The Debate
"Thanks for coming you guys," Lana said to Ray and Pam. They were at Lana's apartment. "And thank you for not saying Phrasing Pam. Or any other sexual innuendo."
"Well I figured considering the topic I should at least try to take the night off," Pam remarked. "By finding a guy who will take his pants off! Phrasing! Boom!"
"Pam…" Lana winced. "We talked about this."
"We did?" Pam blinked.
"How we shouldn't say certain things while AJ is around?" Lana pointed to her daughter happily playing with a stuffed ocelot and a stuffed cow on the floor.
"I thought that was just swears?" Pam blinked.
"That too," Lana sighed. "Just please watch your mouth okay?"
"I don't know, Lana," Ray snickered. "That's a big mouth to watch."
"I got a big fist too!" Pam made one. "You want to make something of it Fifty Shades of Gay?"
"Pam!" Lana groaned. "Ray! Both of you!"
"Play nice," AJ looked up.
"She said it," Lana gave them a look.
"Oh, all right," Ray held up his hands in surrender. "Since this is an important night."
"Yeah, I call a truce too," Pam backed down. "It's not every day your mom goes on national TV."
"Can you believe it AJ?" Lana said happily as she picked up her daughter. "You get to see your Nana Kane on TV! Debating important issues!"
"That is impressive," Ray quipped. "Considering what she sees her other grandma do on a daily basis."
FLASHBACK!
"Burn in Hell, Burt!" Mallory snarled drunkenly on the phone in her office. "I WAS THE BEST YOU EVER HAD AND YOU KNOW IT!"
AJ was watching drinking her juice and sitting on the floor. "Ba…?" She made a sound.
"That's right you are a bastard!" Mallory snarled as she hung up the phone. "AJ listen…Listen to Grandmother Archer…Men are bastards! You know why? Because they are threatened. Threatened by women in power!"
"Oh God Mother…" Archer groaned as he walked in with Lana. "You've been drunk dialing Burt Reynolds again, haven't you?"
"We talked about this!" Lana said exasperated. "Especially with AJ in the room!"
"She needs to know!" Mallory snapped as she took a drink from a bottle. "She needs to know what bastards men are!"
"Basta!" AJ said.
"That's right!" Mallory nodded.
"Oh God are you into the absinthe again?" Archer noticed the bottle on the desk. "Lana get AJ out of here! Code Red!"
"Got her!" Lana swooped up AJ and ran her out of the room.
"COME BACK HERE!" Mallory roared. "HOW IS MY GRANDDAUGHTER SUPPOSED TO LEARN ABOUT LIFE?"
"Preferably by not being scarred for life," Archer snapped. Mallory snarled. "Mother…Mother remember your blood sugar. How about a cocktail olive?"
"HOW ABOUT YOU DROP DEAD?" Mallory snarled as she grabbed the bottle and threw it at Archer's head. It connected and he fell to the floor.
"Ma! They got Rando Ma!" Archer gasped before he passed out.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Well at least AJ has one grandmother that's not an alcoholic maniac," Lana sighed. "And AJ will see her on TV!"
"Lana," Pam looked at her. "AJ is a toddler. She won't remember anything about tonight."
"I don't think she'll even pay that much attention," Ray added. "Unless they use puppets the debate."
"That would make a lot of debates more interesting wouldn't it?" Pam thought aloud.
"Tonight is a very important night for a lot of reasons," Lana said. "Not just because my mother is on television. But she and other women will be talking about how best to go forward with the new women's movement sweeping the nation! All that sexist racist drivel that pretty much dominated our country is getting swept out the door! And about time too!"
"No offense Lana, but I wouldn't hold my breath," Ray told her. "Men have been short changing women since Adam figured out he could blame the whole apple incident on Eve!"
"And that's a guy saying that," Pam agreed.
"Look I'm not expecting miracles," Lana said. "But the whole world is changing! Women are finally starting to get justice and the equality they deserve! At least now there's a dialogue!"
"Lana there's been a dialogue on equal rights for decades," Pam said. "And we haven't gotten squat. It's time for some action. I'd start with those bean bag guns and work our way up to tasers."
"We are not using guns and tasers," Lana groaned as she sat down with AJ on her lap.
"Maybe that's the reason equality has taken so damn long?" Pam snapped.
"Change is finally coming," Lana said. "AJ will be one of the first generations of women where sexual harassment and the old boy's club will be a thing of the past. We're ready for this."
"I wouldn't get too excited Lana," Pam pointed out. "With all that went down at our old office odds are there are more than a few people that could claim sexual harassment. Well the ones that are still alive…"
"I admit that I'm still a tad worried about claims of sexual harassment coming back to bite us," Lana sighed.
"Considering how many people Cheryl bit because she wouldn't get her way…" Ray quipped.
"Let's face it," Lana sighed. "Archer and his mother are not only the poster children of sexual harassment in the workplace…"
"They were pretty much grand masters," Ray added. "And to be honest the rest of us weren't that far behind them."
"Didn't Krieger have some kind of program to delete our names from any news file or blub from the web if we get mentioned?" Pam realized.
"That's what worries me," Lana sighed.
FLASHBACK!
"How's it going Mitsuko?" Krieger asked cheerfully.
Mitsuko was in Krieger's lab, her hands were hovering over a computer. "Slow day Krieger-san. Not that much about Archers lately. Most people who worked at our old company have moved on."
"You're leaving that I Hate Archer website alone, right?" Krieger asked. "I mean there is such a thing as freedom of speech."
"And the one that bashes Mallory Archer," Mitsuko agreed. "Hai. I know Krieger-san has links to secret sales websites he uses."
"Gotta make the money," Krieger agreed. "And pay those bills."
"And obviously I can't do anything about Spy Agency TV show…" Mitsuko added.
"Yeah that genetically modified horse is out of the barn," Krieger waved. "Keep up the good work Mitsuko." He left the lab.
"Of course, Krieger-san," Mitsuko smiled.
She then had an evil look on her face. "Mitsuko will work on getting lots of blackmail material to take on evil old lady! Heh! Heh! Heh!"
FLASHBACK!
"As long as the program Krieger uses isn't Mitsuko I don't think we have anything to worry about," Pam waved.
"Besides there are a lot bigger richer fish to fry than us," Ray added.
"That's true," Lana turned on the TV with her remote. "It's starting! This is so exciting AJ! Your grandma is going to be on a major network!"
"It's PBS Lana," Ray said.
"Still a major network in my book!" Lana snapped.
"In this day and age even Cartoon Network is considered a major network," Pam remarked.
"Shhh!" Lana said. "It's starting!"
On screen were three white older men and Claudette Kane in a studio. "Good evening. This is Roland Rothschild the Third," The first man with black hair and a dapper black suit spoke. He had an uncanny resemblance to the actor John Michael Higgins.
Roland went on. "This is Just The Issues. With me today discussing the growing movement for anti-sexual harassment and women's rights we have Professor Pendleton Steinway, sociologist for Harvard University."
"Good evening," A bald fat man with a white beard and a brown suit was shown.
"Doctor Paul Smith," Roland introduced a man with brown hair and glasses wearing a grey suit. "Head of San Francisco General and frequent contributor on this panel. And Professor Claudette Kane of UC Berkley."
"Thank you for including a woman in this debate on women's rights," Claudette glared at Roland.
"Well we thought it was time a woman was ready for it," Roland remarked.
"This does not bode well," Lana frowned.
"Now can we use the tasers?" Pam asked.
"See, there! Right there!" Claudette snapped. "That's the same kind of infuriating patronizing tone women have had to deal with for centuries!"
"Well to be fair," Roland coughed. "Women didn't have that much to contribute until recently."
"WHAT?" Claudette snapped.
"Those tasers are starting to look pretty good right about, now aren't they?" Pam asked.
"Maybe someone else should start the ball rolling for a change?" Dr. Smith groaned.
"Maybe someone should remember this isn't his show?" Roland snapped. "And just a panelist who is only here as a favor to me?"
"Maybe that someone should remember all the other favors I've done for him over the years?" Dr. Smith snapped. "Like getting him into a very expensive country club?"
"Or we could actually talk about the issues?" Claudette snapped in a very authoritative voice. "Instead of your issues. Save that for your psychologists."
"Hear, hear," Professor Steinway coughed. "I think this is part of the problem. Women feel that they are sidelined from the conversation…"
"Are you presuming that a man knows how a woman feels?" Claudette glared at him.
Professor Steinway winced in terror. "Please don't sue me!"
"Actually, I think this might be part of the problem right here," Roland spoke up. "Men in power are afraid of women and what they might say about them."
"And you don't think there might be a reason for that?" Claudette snapped.
"I'm just saying this whole anti-sexual harassment thing might be getting blown out of proportion," Roland said. "It's turned into one of the biggest witch hunts in history. Second of course to the actual witch hunts…"
"I don't think a culture that systematically harasses and preys upon women isn't something that's blown out of proportion!" Claudette snapped.
"Well that depends," Roland remarked. "If we're talking about entertainers and celebrities that's just par for the course. What? These people make a living showing off their bodies. Is it any wonder they're always asking for it?"
"Who are you?" Claudette snapped. "An apologist for Harvey Weinstein?"
"Say how is Ol' Harvey doing anyway?" Roland asked. "He hasn't returned my calls in a while."
"Is this an actual PBS news program?" Claudette looked around.
"Huh," Ray remarked. "So that's what happens when public funding for PBS is cut?"
"Look let me make this simple so even you can understand this," Claudette was losing her patience. "All women want is to be treated like everyone else. And not like an empty-headed sex object. They want equal treatment, equal pay…"
"Hang on," Roland said. "Don't women already get equal pay?"
"No, they don't," Claudette explained.
"They don't?" Roland blinked. "Are you sure?"
"Positive," Claudette glared at him.
"You really should start reading your note cards before the show Roland," Dr. Smith sighed.
"And you really should know your place as a sidekick that can be replaced!" Roland snapped. "Let's get back to this non-equal pay thing. Are you sure that isn't already a law or something?"
"It was supposed to be," Claudette snapped.
"Ever hear of the ERA?" Dr. Smith snapped.
"Just say era," Roland waved. "You don't have to spell it."
"The Equal Rights Amendment!" Claudette snapped. "E-R-A!"
"Oh, that ERA," Roland waved.
"Do you even know what the ERA was about?" Claudette looked at him in disbelief.
Roland blinked. "Bathrooms?"
"Should have used the tasers," Pam sighed.
"Look sexual harassment allegations and unequal pay isn't exactly big news if we're talking about the entertainment profession," Roland remarked. "That's been part of Hollywood since the first casting couch was made by the props department."
"It's not just the entertainment industry that's guilty!" Claudette told him. "This goes on all over the country! Even in academia."
"Seriously?" Roland asked. "I thought you guys were you know? Boring."
"I have to admit we do throw a few fundraisers that get a little rowdy," Professor Steinway remarked. "And don't get me started on reunion weeks."
"If it's anything like my alma mater I can imagine," Dr. Smith admitted.
"I myself have experienced unwanted advances in my career," Claudette added.
"WHAT?" Lemuel Kane was heard off stage. "FROM WHO?"
"Lemuel," Claudette glared at her husband off camera. "We talked about this!"
"Dude your wife is hot," Roland remarked. "It can't be that big a shock. I'd hit that in a heartbeat."
"TIME'S UP ASSHOLE!" Lemuel roared as he stormed on camera.
"Oh dear God…" Lana groaned as he father got into a shoving match with Roland on camera.
"Well this is certainly livening up the debate," Ray quipped.
"That's one way for PBS to increase their ratings," Pam added.
"Oh please," Ray waved. "Between Downton Abbey and Victoria, PBS is already kicking butt in the drama department."
"What about the Emmys and Golden Globes?" Pam asked.
"That's all politics and you know it," Ray waved.
"Lemuel!" Claudette snapped. "Stop acting like a macho jerk!"
"Oh, but this idiot can act like a jerk to my wife?" Lemuel snapped.
"I was paying her a compliment!" Roland snapped. "By saying that she's good enough for me to sleep with!"
Claudette paused. "Never mind. Go ahead Lem."
"Oh God," Lana groaned as her father chased Roland around the set. "I can't believe I'm saying this but for once Mallory is looking like the better grandparent."
"Ms. Archer would either hump Roland or shoot him," Ray pointed out. "On camera."
"I stand corrected," Lana groaned.
"Gampy! HA HA HA!" AJ laughed at the antics on screen.
"Oh looks like she might remember this after all," Pam said cheerfully.
"For the wrong reasons," Lana groaned.
"Not the face! Not the face!" Roland pleaded as Lemuel grabbed him. "Somebody help me! SERIOUSLY SECURITY? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO YOUR JOB?"
Then Roland remembered. "Oh right, they cut security so I could have a bigger dressing room. Bad idea Roland. Bad idea…"
"So was hitting on my wife," Lemuel growled. "Now I'm going to hit you!"
"Don't hit me, don't hit me!" Roland pleaded. "I didn't mean it! I'm not that kind of guy!"
"HELLOOOOOOO!" Mitsuko flew through the room. "IT'S SEXY MITSUKO TIME!"
"I don't freaking believe this!" Lana shouted. "What the hell is she doing there?"
"Putting her own spin on the debate of sexual harassment," Ray drawled.
"Okay her I would make my co-star," Roland remarked. That's when Lemuel hit him.
"Get out of here you…" Claudette roared as she tried to get rid of Mitsuko. "This is supposed to be a serious debate about women's rights!"
"I have rights!" Mitsuko twittered as she flew around. "Right to be sexy!"
"I'M CALLING MY WOMEN'S LEAGUE!" Claudette roared.
"I'm calling my attorney!" Roland sniffed. "I'll sue you!"
"TRY IT!" Lemuel roared and Roland ran for his life.
"I'd like to call the producer in charge of this Jerry Springer rip-off," Dr. Smith groaned. "You picked Roland over me? Seriously?"
Meanwhile Professor Steinway was now dancing with Mitsuko. "Best debate ever!" He cheered.
"I've had enough!" Lana turned off the TV.
"Hey! It was just starting to get good," Ray protested.
"Well that just set back any serious progress for about…" Lana sighed. "Twenty years?"
"Sorry kid," Pam said to AJ. "We're still not ready for you yet."