First disclaimer: Fire Emblem and its loads and loads of characters belong to Nintendo. I'm writing this just for fun.

Second disclaimer: The author doesn't condemn or support the characters' opinions. The author just wants to mess with them xD

Everything is canon!

"I can't believe it!", said Marth after he finished his interview with the president.

The prince of Altea had heard the rumors before. People in Nintendo were worried. They had to develop a new Fire Emblem title for their handheld console, but it was a very difficult task. Not because of the programming, since they were taking care of it, but because of something much more dangerous, something that Nintendo wanted to avoid at all costs.

What am I talking about? Bad designs? Ugly art? Boring gameplay? Nope. Those are problems that any game developer can solve by themselves. However, there was a many-headed monster that spawned from the hidden depths of humanity, the rot that threatened to eat up everything that is pure and sacred in the world.

Fanfiction and Shipping Wars, of course.

For a company that prided itself on family values, Nintendo didn't want a bunch of overzealous fans defiling their precious characters. Oh, yes, they knew too well what happened when fans were left without supervision. Dracos in leather pants, murdered hypotenuses, shameless author avatars, yaoi everywhere...One of the executives would never forget his first time reading a Pokémon slash fic. "What has been seen can't be unseen", he said, and was about to take his eyes out until someone managed to calm him down.

Nintendo wasn't naive. They knew that in this modern world some things were unavoidable. Death, taxes and shipping, they were a natural part of life. Thus, as long as fans kept their monstrosities in their little webs, they were satisfied. However, sometimes fan support was out of control and degenerated in flame wars that expanded all over the Internet and beyond. Now a new Fire Emblem was due for that year and people were worried.

"What do we do? The supports are flame bait!", said one.

"Then let's forget about them. Don't include them. Japanese love linearity after all", answered other.

"Are you crazy? The higher-ups have said they want this game in America and Europe too! And if you think Japanese don't like openness, take a look at these doujinshi".

"Oh, that's a good one, I always thought Naruto and Harry Potter could make a nice... Wait, forget that. I think I have an idea!".

"What?".

"There are two great strategies in war: 'divide and conquer' and 'if you can't beat them, join them'. It's easy!".

"What have you been smoking?".

"Wait and see, my friend. I have the solution to end all shipping wars..."

Thus Nintendo's plan was born and the developers worked hard in the new Fire Emblem: Awakening. However, rumors appeared and Marth, hero and protagonist of the first installment, began to worry. Some rumors were good, though. After a pair of sequels he wasn't working anymore, and was happy to hear that he was going to appear in Awakening. But months had passed and nobody called him. What's more, there were other rumors too, darker and edgier, like the new art style. Marth decided to speak with the president of Nintendo, but the interview didn't help.

"This is madness!", had said Marth then.

"Madness? THIS! IS! NINTENDO!", had shouted the president. "Oh, forgive me, prince Marth. I couldn't help but insert some random pop cultural reference. Now be a good marketing device, I mean, a good boy and get out of my office".

Marth obeyed. He was a good boy, after all. Outside the office, Roy was waiting for him with a cheerful expression. The red-haired warrior was also a prince, but from another game, and had accompanied him when he did his western debut long time ago.

"Hi, Marth!", said Roy. "Ready to debut in Super Smash Bros.?"

"Roy, that happened years ago. You should think of getting a remake, such as my Shadow Dragon", said Marth. It sounded harsher than he intended to because he was still angry after hearing the president's explanations.

"Ah, I remember now! It was that game that sold poorly overseas and almost prevented the series from being published in America and Europe again. How did you manage to do that? My father and his friends worked hard to bring Fire Emblem to western countries, you know. Even the incestuous twins and the cool mercenary helped, but then you came and..."

Marth sighed.

"Ok, ok, I should have been nicer to you and less boring to the gamers, but forget about that. Have you heard what they intend to do with Awakening?".

"What happened?", asked Roy.

"What happened? What happened?! Everything is canon now!", shouted Marth.

"Wait, slow down", said Roy confused. "What are you talking about?".

"It is their strategy to bring down the shipping wars. Shipping overload. You can pair almost any male character with any female character. They will marry, they will have kids and good endings for everyone! The developers think that with so many possible pairings, fans will not be able to start serious shipping wars since they would be atomized in hundreds of different factions", explained Marth visibly altered. "The psychopath black mage with the shy dancer, the battle butler with the dragon legal jailbait, the cursing witch with the feminine reverend... There is no end to the combinations! Not to talk about portals, time travel and the identical Anna sisters, that make everything messier".

Roy didn't lose his cheerfulness.

"What's the matter? That way everyone will be happy, won't they? As long as they don't die, of course. Dying in our games sucks", said Roy.

"Ha! Not even that has been respected! There is a special mode where units do not die, ever. What are we know, Valkyria Chronicles 2? But that is not the worst part".

"There's more?", asked Roy surprised.

"Oh, yeah, there is more. There is a monster, called Rufure, Robin or Daraen, nobody is sure, a customizable avatar to fulfill the fans' wishes to have an adventure in our game", explained Marth gloomily.

Roy tried to remember where he had seen something like that.

"Weren't there such avatars before? I mean, I'm sure my dad fought alongside one in his good old days and didn't you have a knight like that?", asked Roy.

"Yes, there were others, but they knew their place. Now, this monster is not only a broken unit, capable of crushing waves of enemies with ease, but a launcher of a thousand ships. There is no limit for him or her. If he is male, no lady will be able to resist his charm. If the avatar is female, she could even become queen! Marrying into royalty, there is no shame nowadays".

"Well, at least they won't be able to marry the other characters' children. That would be too much", pointed out Roy.

Marth fell silent.

"You're kidding me!", said Roy.

"I said 'no limit' and I told you the truth. Even my Tiki can fall. Incestuous relationships notwithstanding (kissing cousins does not count, at least in Japan), only yaoi and yuri are forbidden, but I fear it is just a matter of time. I fear for this series, defiled by its masters before its defiled by the fans", Marth sighed.

Roy moved closer and gave him a friendly slap on the back.

"I'm sorry, buddy".

Marth didn't cheer up. The prince of Altea frowned disapprovingly.

"You should be sorry, Roy. It is your fault, after all".

Roy blinked, more surprised than ever.

"My fault?!", he repeated dumbfounded.

"Do not play innocent, Roy. Who invented the support system that raised shipping fans' hopes? It was your game", pointed out Marth.

"Well, yeah, but those guys from the Holy War had their share of..."

"Do not make excuses! You were the role model for this madness! Or have you forgotten that you are the lord with the largest number of potential wives in the whole series? The almost-canon childhood friend, the sugar and ice nomad, the childish belly dancer, the traditional pegasus knight, the mysterious half-dragon and even your own teacher! Where do you think they have taken the idea from?".

"I think Seliph had..."

Roy tried to defend himself, but stopped when Marth sighed loudly.

"Forgive me, Roy. I am nervous and worried about the future. Maybe I am getting too old for this. Times are changing and people need new heroes. Blue-haired or red-haired, proper victorian gentlemen or dissolute womanizers, at least we have a common goal: to make Nintendo rich".

Roy smiled.

"That's good enough for me. But hey, you forgot the important part: are we going to appear in the new game? I've watched some trailers and you appear in them! Congratulations! Although your remodeled face looks a bit feminine, if you don't mind me saying so".

Marth sighed again. It was becoming a bad habit.

"We are in the game, and we are not. Roy, do you know what DLC is?".

"What is that? A disease?".

"If only it were that simple..."

Author notes:

I was bored and I wanted to write something about Fire Emblem: Awakening, that I have enjoyed very much. Soon I realized it would be useless to try some shipping, since apart from some exceptions (almost all of them about Chrom, it seems Nintendo wanted to leave something out for the most dedicated shippers) anything can be canon. "If Marth were to see what happened to his franchise", I thought. And so this idea was born. This is a parody, not criticism. Enjoy it or throw it into the garbage bin. Also, a no-prize for those who guess all the references in the text(don't look if you don't know the answers unless you want to lose your no-prize!):

* Marth and Roy are, obviously, the protagonists of the first Fire Emblem (NES) and Fire Emblem: Fuin no Tsurugi (GBA), respectively. They were almost unknown by western gamers until they appeared in Super Smash Bros. Melee. Before that, no game with Fire Emblem characters had been published outside Japan.

* The support system was one of the new things in Roy's game, although some kind of romance system was used in Genealogy of the Holy War (SNES). Only Roy got different pairings, but it was so popular it was used in the following titles. Normally, characters would have several supports with other characters, ranging from friendship to romance.

* For those who don't know the series, death of units in Fire Emblem is final. The game goes on, but they die. You can prevent it if you play well... or if you restart each battle time again and again until you manage to make everyone survive. Since units have names, portraits, different pasts, supports and conversations, and even different endings, this is serious business. Few games have done the same. Valkyria Chronicles was one of them, but the sequel took it out.

* Roy's father is Eliwood, one of the protagonists of Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. It was the first game of the series published in America and Europe, and up to this day the best-selling one if we count global sales, not just Japanese sales. The next games were also published overseas, except Shadow Dragon's sequel.

* The "incestuous twins" are Ephraim and Eirika, protagonists of Sacred Stones (GBA) and the "cool mercenary" is Ike, from Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn, the next games of the series released overseas.

* Rufure (Japan), Robin (America and other English speaking countries) and Daraen (Europe) are default names for the Avatar in Awakening. You can customize him or her, and yes, the avatar can marry every playable character of the opposite sex. Every single one. The only exception is his or her children.

* Before Awakening, Roy was considered the character with the largest number of potential wives (or one of them at least). They are Lilina ("the almost-canon childhood friend"), Sue ("the sugar and ice nomad"), Lalum ("the childish belly dancer"), Shanna ("the pegasus knight", called "traditional" because every male lord in the series can marry at least one pegasus knight), Sophia ("the mysterious half-dragon") and Cecilia (Roy's teacher).

There are also minor spoilers from Awakening, but I invite you to play the game and find them out by yourselves ;-)