hi everyone, this is my first L&O fanfic so please review and let me know what you think and if i should do more.

few warnings befor you read. it is femslash alsho its not really bad (i dont think) it will be angsty coz i dont do happy fics well and i love cliff hangers :D so read enjoy and review and if you like i will update soon!

Three Months

The first few weeks since Alex had left were some of the worse she had ever experienced, she had been given two days off work because she couldn't get up in the morning. It didn't help that she was drowning in the bottom of a bottle of whiskey every night since she had gone. Recently though that had changed, alcohol was no longer working and she could see what a mess she was making of her life. Doing the only thing she could think of she threw away all traces that alcohol had ever existed and tried to live her life the way Alex would have wanted her to. Sober.

She figured it was a side effect of withdrawal that she kept being sick. She couldn't keep food down and she was hardly eating, people had long ago stopped telling her that she looked thin because now all she did was ignore them. She buried herself with work figuring that is was the only thing that she had to live for, helping the victims. Three months, that's the last time she could remember feeling like an actual person instead of the hollow, lifeless person that stared back at her in the mirror.

It was 2am on Monday morning, she and Elliot had been working since 9 the following day. Adoption papers, bank records, social security numbers, she couldn't stand staring at numbers any more and her throbbing head was telling her that it wouldn't let her either. Giving up for a few minutes she decided coffee would probably be her best bet. Pushing her chair out from under her and heaving her self to her feet she desperately tried to remember the last time she ate something as she plummeted to the floor.

A loud crack reverberated through the almost empty walls of the 1-6 precinct and its remaining occupants looked up in time to see Olivia collide with her desk and then hit the floor.

Panic flooded Elliot as he saw Liv fall, within second of her hitting the wood flooring surrounding her desk he was by her side. Her face was pale and lifeless and the first thing he noticed was the streak of red making its way down his partner's cheek. "Liv….Liv please…wake up….Liv" his yelling caused the rest of the squad to rush over to where he was franticly trying to revive his partner. He knew she had lost weight but in her current position he could actually feel how much. His grip on her arms lessened through fear he could break something, to say he was worried about her was an understatement.

He vaguely remembered someone calling out saying the ambulance was on its way but the cold grip of worry had settled its self around his heart and was showing no signs of moving.

It was bright, she could hear the faint sound of voices and she hoped to God they weren't just in her head. That's all I need, to go crazy on top of being an alcoholic….recovering alcoholic. Slowly opening her eyes she realized that she was in bed, as the voices faded out she was left with only the dull sound of the florescent lights vibrating over her head. That's when it hit her, her head felt as though it had been hit by a truck. Oh god please tell me this isn't a hangover, I was doing so well. She hadn't noticed the tears falling silently down her cheeks until her hand automatically reached out to angrily wipe them away. It was then she noticed the IV in her hand, the heart rate monitor by her bed and the almost bleach white sheets.

"You awake?" as slowly as she could she turned her head to the side and noticed Elliot crammed awkwardly into the chair next to her bed.

"The doctor said you have a concussion and that you were seriously dehydrated…..and malnourished. Liv what the hell had been happening to you."

She could feel the emotion behind each word and it made her feel worthless, she had tried really she had but her body just wasn't listening to her. She swallowed her self pity and glanced back to where her partner was sitting. His shirt looked about 3 days old and he looked almost as bad as she did, probably. That's when it hit her, she may have lost Alex but she had people who cared for her, her family. They may not have been by blood but they had been there for her thought everything and they were still there trying to help her.

No one knew about the relationship she had with Alex, they both figured that it was easier to keep t to them selves, for work purposes. Its not like she wanted to when they first told each other how much the other was loved it took all of her strength not to shout from the roof tops that Alex Cabot loved her. She didn't realized that she had be quiet for almost 10 minutes until Elliot slowly approached her bed and gently wiped the fallen tears that were running down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry El I didn't know it had gotten this bad. There is some stuff that I haven't told you and im not sure how your going to react….but can I explain later when my head doesn't feel the size of Connecticut?" she almost refused to make eye contact with him, for fear of seeing disappointment in his normally friendly eyes. The fact she was fascinated with the small pattern making its way around the top of the blanket covering her bed didn't escape Elliot as he gave her a small smile kissed the top of her head and quietly whispered "when ever your read."