DISCLAIMER: Nothing belongs to me, this is just a work of fiction.
Pairing: Noel/Serah (Noerah)
Fandom: FF XIII-2, FF XIII: LIGHTNING RETURNS
DENIAL
denial:
1.
an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false.
2.
refusal to believe a doctrine, theory, or the like.
3.
disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
4.
the refusal to satisfy a claim, request, desire, etc., or the refusal of a person making it.
5.
refusal to recognize or acknowledge; a disowning or disavowal:
6.
Law. refusal to acknowledge the validity of a claim, suit, or the like; a plea that denies allegations of fact in an adversary's plea
7.
sacrifice of one's own wants or needs; self-denial.
8.
Psychology. an unconscious defense mechanism used to reduce anxiety by denying thoughts, feelings, or facts that are consciously intolerable.
Seeing Lightning again for the first time in five hundred years it's certainly a lot less painful than what he had originally thought. Well, seeing, per se, is not what hurts really, not as much as the little reminders do.
Such as the pink flowing hair (it should be in a ponytail).
The blue hard steel eyes (they should be gentle and bright).
The blank features that sometimes, when he lets his guard down, blur into those of a different person, a person with a tenderer demeanor (A ghost of the past).
It's all wrong, his mind provides every single time he chances looks at the oldest Farron.
Every single time he ignores it. At this point in life, after everything that's happened, things of that sort shouldn't matter. In fact they do not matter anymore; it's counterproductive to dwell on the past.
(Ironically he finds himself stuck on the idea of bringing back a girl who has been long dead)
The only important thing now is getting rid of Lightning, the main obstacle between him and his precious Yeul. He admits to having seen that particular prophecy more times than what one would consider normal, he's got it almost memorized. And he believes in it. Believes that the key of reuniting with the younger girl resides in the imminent extermination of The Savior, even if that Savior used to be a friend, an ally.
Even if she resembles-(glinting eyes, wide smile, soft laugh)
He will kill her. He has to or else she will destroy the world. Even if something in him dies whenever she appears, he must do it.
(A part of him knows his desire to end it all is mostly due to The Savior representing everything that just should not be, all those things that do not have place in this new corrupted by Chaos world. He ignores it).
But it doesn't hurt as it should have. The burn, the breathlessness, the dizziness, the clammy hands and the heartache, they do not come.
He thinks it's because he's experienced it before, those feelings. He thinks it's because in the end likeness between sisters does not compare to the uncanny similarity the resident nightmare and official prankster of Nova Chrysalis possesses. The one he tries hard not to think about. The one he avoids like the plague.
She's the one that shatters him. She's the one that makes him go weak at the knees. The mere sight of her makes him feel shaken to his core.
He'd rather pretend he doesn't understand why she's capable of doing that to him.
The first time he saw Lumina it felt like someone was ripping layer after layer of his skin, leaving him bare and vulnerable for the entire world to see.
It was like pouring salt on a wound that has been open for way too much time.
Too fast.
Too hard.
Not a chance to prepare for the excruciating pain.
He was perched on top of a building, watching intently as people went on their daily business. It was just another mundane, normal night in Luxerion, nevermind the occasional chaos creatures that would inevitable show up one way or another.
Seeing the streets from above, it brought some tranquility to his otherwise restless mind. There was something comforting in the glow of the pale moon and the midnight breeze. Until an unknown presence materialized out of nowhere behind him, disrupting whatever state of peace he was in. The hunter tensed immediately.
A voice spoke then, childish, mocking "Noel Kreiss, the famous Shadow Hunter" the person said in a sing-song tone and he recognized it as a young girl "Brooding and moody, ahh, how dreamy"
He frowned, thoughts running a mile per hour, ranging from to the possibilities of another person being able to get up there to the most prominent, how she knew his name.
Quickly, he reached for his swords, standing up to face the current danger.
He froze on the spot, defense stance ready, eyes wide as saucers, mouth hanging open.
Suspended in the air (how was that even possible?) was the spitting image of her. The same peculiar hair color that infested his dreams, the same blue eyes except for the new glint of mischief in them, he didn't need to look at the rest of the girl to know.
(To know who she looked like)
The air suddenly felt too thin, the weapons on his hands too heavy and the breath was knocked out of his chest without being hit.
He briefly wondered if it was possible to feel so much hurt at once.
In one second, he was brought back. He was going back, back to a short period of time where hope and happiness seemed possible, back to the time where he actually believed they were making a difference, that they were setting things right.
He traveled back in time to friendly banter and subtle glances; longing masked as teasing, to hushed whispers in the middle of the wilderness and entwined fingers. Helping hands and charms. Penchants and promises. Vows and bonds and love and death.
("Thank you")
In hindsight, meeting Lumina was both a curse and a blessing.
What happened after that is a blur to Noel. He can barely remember what transpired between them. But he remembers clearly the beginning. And how it ended too.
She left just as unexpectedly as her appearance was, leaving him fuming, confused and throat choked up on apologies, wet trails on his cheeks.
That night sleep never casted itself upon him.
Sometimes he loses sight of himself.
Sometimes he's killing creatures and the next thing he's doing is turning around to brag about his fighting skills to a nonexistent partner, grin plastered on his face, eyes crinkling at the corners.
He's met with empty space.
He pretends the slip never occurred.
Sometimes he looks at Lumina and doesn't see Lumina as much as he sees her. For a second the illusion is real. That is until the girl destroys it with one of her unsavory comments or smug smiles. It's been so long, too long, but he knows, he knows every little action of Lumina's is a far cry from hers. Starting with that carefree attitude she's well known for. Yet sometimes, she tilts her head in that manner, gesticulates in a familiar way and he just can't help it. He can't help to be reminded and he's caught again in the illusion.
It shouldn't be so hard.
It doesn't help she's practically her doppelganger if not a younger version of her. Lumina still hasn't grown out of the baby fat that adorns her face. More often than not Noel can picture it, how she would look like without it, if she were a bit taller, a bit less child like, if she didn't wear her typical black clothing, if she were older… and more often than not he has to refrain from continuing that train of thought.
(It doesn't help he can feel a shy "Thank you" resonating in his ears)
He tries to stay out of her way. He fails.
Her blue eyes shine, specks of gray and green near the pupils, and in that stormy sea he swears he can grasp something. What exactly, he has no idea.
("Thank you")
She laughs, noisy and evil, canines showing, tongue pushed between her teeth.
("Thank you")
There are times when he gets glimpses of real emotions other than apathy and the need for amusement.
("Thank you")
She joins her hands together behind her back while walking.
("Thank you")
There are hints that suggest maybe she knows. It frightens him. But that's impossible. There's no way Lumina has the slightest idea.
("Thank you")
The girl shoots Noel those condescending I-know-more-than-you looks.
("Thank you")
For the sake of his sanity, he ignores it.
He makes a new vow. One that won't allow him to say her name. Ever. In fact, he vows to not think at all about those moments they shared. Those moments that, to begin with shouldn't have happened.
He thinks its better this way. If he lets himself for one second think about it, he knows he will crumble under the pressure of the overwhelming guilt he carries on his shoulders, that has been carrying for years.
This is how Noel learns that it's easier to fool himself rather than face reality.
This is how Noel takes solace in the idea of Yeul.
This is how Noel 'forgets' about time travels, paradoxes, flying moogles and encouraging words.
He's strolling around, without a destination in his mind when he hears it.
At first it's soft, almost too much, reason why he blames it on stupid delusions and wishful thinking.
It gets louder though, loud enough for the voice to reach his ears. To say he's dumbfounded would be the understatement of the year. He ceases all movement, the painfully familiar tune lulling him into make beliefs of happy times. His eyes feel moist, his body shakes and he smiles, he smiles and it's like a slow burn, melting his insides, the cold that chilled his bones.
Blue eyes, darkened by negative feelings, fall shut. He lets the music carry him to a safer place. A place where anything can happen as he mouths the lyrics.
"You rest inside my mind
Since the day you came
I knew you would be with me
All the time we spent
What we shared was surely
Warm enough to know you cared for me
Light floods through memories
Helps me walk my path
I'll keep my head up high
Words and faith and love
Your strength gives me hope
One day I'll find you with open arms"
The song ends.
He doesn't need to open his eyes to know who was singing. Behind his eyelids he sees flashes of pink and black. He realizes he doesn't want to go back to the world. Not yet.
Tiny, slim appendages brush his cheekbones; they trail his nose, the curve of his lips before doing it all over again.
Noel doesn't know at what point he started crying.
After that event, Noel starts ignoring her. That doesn't last for long though, because she manages to snap him out of it. Baits him to gain back his attention and Noel, reluctantly follows the small menace.
(He's starting to understand he's unable to resist her)
That's the day she shows him.
She shows him the Oracle Drive, he's intrigued.
He sees the prophecy and marvels at how incredibly bittersweet it is. He smiles this time but it's not pretty, it's ugly and broken.
Despite that, he must do it. For the world, for Yeul. If he makes it, he will see her again, his Yeul, the girl he has loved since he was three years old, the girl he promised to protect.
He's happy, he's satisfied, now he has a purpose, something to look out for in this boring, driven by Chaos city.
If Lightning's life is the price to pay, well… So be it.
(In the back of his mind he listens to echoes, blue eyes instead of green clouded with the symbol of Etro.
A "Thank you" full of meaning.
He knows what he has to do.
He must.
He will.)
She turned to him, looking at the ground, not meeting his gaze. She was acting shy all of a sudden. Is what she has to say that important? He wondered, while ignoring the voice in his head whispering useless musings that Noel knew would never come true. The glistening silver light on her neck was proof enough of that. But he was still human and therefore, he hoped.
He hoped for the impossible to happen in that moment.
Slowly, she lifted her eyes (those expressive eyes) and looked at him straight on. It hurt. In that brief second in which their pupils found each other, Noel caught sight of feelings, feelings that mirrored his own in her blue orbs and he forgot about everything except the woman standing right in front of him. A side of him was torn apart; the other was flowing with warmth.
And-
She said it.
She said the words he would never be able to erase from his memories.
She said the words that would forever haunt him till the end of days.
"Thank you" she said.
"Thank you" and her eyes were no longer that pretty shade of blue.
"Thank you" a gasp fell from her lips.
"Thank you" and Noel's world burned down to the seams.
It's only at night he lets his thoughts wander, wander around 'what ifs' and 'what could have beens', through different scenarios where his circumstances are anything but the ones he's got right now. He tortures himself with visions of alternate dimensions. Worlds where things turned out for the better, not for the worse. Worlds where he can smile. Worlds where the sun is not gone. Worlds where he's allowed to say her name.
But he has to stop himself and he does, every time.
Because even if those worlds existed, even if they were true, then the foreboding piece of jewelry-the one he resents deeply-would exist too. It would be a constant in every single one of them. As well as the current patron of Yuusnan would be.
That's right.
That's all it takes. Noel recalls who Snow is-another person he'd rather avoid-and that's all it takes for him to shove the useless dreams in the darkest corners of his skull. Thinking about the other man makes him feel bitter and sour, not to mention acknowledging his existence forces the hunter to acknowledge other things too and those are things that he would prefer to keep forgotten and buried ten feet underground. Along with his memories.
So he does.
Over and over again he does the same process each night for five hundred years.
He never notices the pattern.
"…Serah?!"
"No, not now, please"
"Serah, snap out of it!
"NO!"
"Serah…"
"SERAAAAAHHH!"
There are times he wakes up panting and sweating, thinking he's on top of an airship, watching helplessly as the sky turns grey and everything is swallowed by Chaos.
There are times he wakes up confused, the feeling of cold skin on his hands and he swears he can feel a phantom weight on his arms.
There are times he wakes up crying, picturing soft pink strands brushing the tip of his fingertips.
There are times he wakes up screaming a name. The same name he promised he would never pronounce. Ever again.
When he looks at his reflection he's not surprised at the heavy eye bags and the somber expression on his face.
He expects it.
One particular day, something weird happens.
Lumina kisses him. Presses her lips gently against his and he doesn't know what to do. He can only stare flabbergasted as she pulls away just as fast as lightning and if it wasn't for the funny tingling in his mouth he would have thought such a thing never happened.
The girl smirks but it's not the usual one, it's not mocking, it's actually quite sad. She looks sad. This is the first time he sees her being serious for a change, even so… it disturbs him. She's not supposed to act like this.
She's not supposed to kiss him.
Twirling a lock of hair around her index finger she says "She felt the same, y'know" a shiver runs down his spine, dread settles deep in his gut at her words "She just didn't know how to show it"
He doesn't stay to hear the rest.
The next thing he knows, he's running. He lets his legs carry him wherever they want as long as it is somewhere far away from her.
He runs until he's out of breath.
He runs until he can't feel his limbs.
He runs until he drowns the feeling of her lips and how she tastes exactly like he has always imagined.
"The future changed."
"It changed"
Yeul
Yeul
Yeul
(Serah)
Green
Green
Green
(Blue)
Fifteen
Fifteen
Fifteen
(Twenty one)
Silver
Silver
Silver
(Pink)
(PINKSERAHTWENTYONEPINKSERAHSERAHBLUEBLUESERAHSERAHNOPLEASENONOTHERDON'TTAKEHERTWENTYONEBLUEPINKPINKPINK
THANK YOU)
"It's the end of our journey"
Lumina surprisingly leaves him alone. She stops popping out randomly, she stops bothering him, she stops visiting. He barely sees her anymore and when he does she's always with the Vanille girl. He doesn't really mind.
He's actually glad that she has apparently got fed up with him. He's more than okay with it, this new arrangement.
Because deep down, it still hurts. Looking at her.
Only her.
Vanille doesn't affect him at all. It's the wrong shade of pink after all, and a totally different face. But she still knew her. So instead of hurting it's more like he's been stung.
And he doesn't mind, he tells himself, fingers unconsciously touching his own lips.
"If you change the future you, change the past. The effects ripple outwards, up and down the timeline. The Seeress is forced to see it all"
"You mean Serah…she saw this vision?"
"Yes. And it killed her"
He's facing Lightning now.
The Savior.
They talked. He told her what he saw in the Oracle Drive. He told her what had happened during her absence. How he, Snow-sour, bitter- and Hope came together to bring the world back to the way it was. He told her how they failed. The disappointment and failure looming over them, destroying their resolve. Destroying hope. He told her about his dream of meeting with Yeul again. He told her he didn't mind killing her if it aided him in his mission.
Not even once he talked about what bound them together. Not even once he talked about what they both had in common, about what had brought them together in the first place.
He didn't talk about his guilt. He didn't talk about the weight of his failure. Because he had failed her, both, Lightning and her. He failed, couldn't keep his promise.
And it was fine.
It was fine.
Until it was not.
While he did his best at ignoring the big elephant in the room, Lightning did not.
She mentioned Serah.
She mentioned Serah, like it was nothing, like it meant nothing with her monotone voice and that painfully pink hair and blue eyes.
She said her name, the name he swore he'd never have to hear or say again, except that she just did, she said it. It felt like ripping a band aid, no, scratch that, it felt like being forced to walk on sharp shards. It felt like someone took his security blanket-he had been clutching it for dear life-and burned right in front of him.
He swallowed nothing.
He couldn't keep ignoring or pretending anymore.
He didn't like that.
He was not okay with that.
So they fought.
They are still fighting.
What Lightning said is echoing inside his head.
He doesn't want to believe it (he does)
He holds onto his swords.
He feels numb.
He has never felt so much before.
(He has.
When she died.
And the days after that.
The months after that.
The years after that.
The centuries after that.)
He is trying his best, he's trying so hard. Lightning's return has forced him to face facts he has preferred to maintain in the dark, facts that he has ignored for so long, it's all on his shoulders, on his back. It's overwhelming.
She strikes and he glimpses bits of her. Of Serah. Lightning's face is morphing with Serah's, with what he remembers of the dead girl and he hesitates, he slips. He glimpses a girl in a white and pink dress, holding a bow, smiling at him.
He slips.
Lightning strikes.
It's not even close to the pain he felt when he saw Lumina for the first time. It's not even close to how he feels every time he sees Lumina.
It's not even close to the pain of knowing he's going to kill Serah's precious sister.
He winces at the realization that he's using her name. Yet again he has broken another vow.
It's a slow burn.
"Noel, I hope you don't get yourself killed"
He curses his traitorous mind, for this is not the place or the time to be thinking of Serah, and her voice or the things she used to say.
He's just not ready and to be honest, he doesn't think he will ever be. He wasn't ready then, he's not ready now.
Serah, Serah, Serah, Serah.
"You've risked your life a lot of times. To help me, I mean"
It wasn't enough. It was not enough.
He's so sorry.
Forgive me, Serah.
He's about to deal the finishing blow.
Lightning won't be able to dodge out of the way, this he knows.
In that single second that it takes him to throw his sword at her, everything comes back to him.
Serah and her kind attitude. Serah and her passion for doing the right thing. Serah and her devotion to her sister, her fiancée and basically anyone that had managed to get a place in her heart. Serah and her love for all living things. Serah, also known as 'Meany Miss Farron". Serah, the one who secretly loved to sing. Serah, who wrote that beautiful song about their meeting. Serah, understanding and patient. Serah who healed him when he got hurt. Serah, his companion, partner in crime. Serah, his best friend. Serah who cried at nights when she thought he was asleep. Serah who held his hand. Serah, the one that teached him new things about the world. Serah, the one who managed to get him out of his shell and got him to open up. Serah, the one who fixed his broken heart. Serah, the one who opened his eyes. Serah, his only light in the darkness of his life. Serah, the one who died in his arms just like Yeul. Serah, the one he failed to protect. Serah, the one who left his heart in a disarray of pieces scattered all around, unrepairable.
He recalled everything, all the little things and in that moment he knew. He couldn't do it. He had been lying to himself. He just couldn't.
He couldn't do this to her.
Instead of hitting Lightning, he hit the Oracle Drive, destroying it. Unrepairable just like him.
An invisible weight lifted off his shoulders.
The words of The Savior echoed in his head.
She was going to save her, Serah.
"She knew the risk. If we altered the future she knew what would happen, that her life could be in danger. But she still chose to save it"
He left.
Honestly, he couldn't stand to be there any longer.
Despite everything, he feels content with the outcome of today's events.
After destroying the Oracle Drive, Yeul's spirit appeared and he was overcome with such joy and happiness. It had been so long without seeing her, the younger seeress. He missed her. Had missed her for a while. Finally, something good in all the chaos.
Maybe he would find her in the new world. Maybe they would be together again…
He loves her. He loves Yeul. It would be too easy to fool himself again.
But now he has to face the truth.
Yes, he loves Yeul, he has loved her forever. He's not in love with her though, he has not been for too many years. He stopped being in love actually when his journey through time started, he just hadn't realized it then. Pretending he didn't know.
Lying to himself was easy, so much easier than breathing.
He stops in his tracks.
Lightning said she was going to pay a visit to Snow in Yuusnan, next. To save his soul just like she did his.
He understands. After all, they-Noel and Snow- had both been cut by the same knife. By the same woman. By Serah Farron.
He smiles, broken, ugly and it leaves a bittersweet taste in his mouth. Like Lumina's kiss did.
Closing his eyes, drops of water fall on his face, his cheeks, his eyelashes, his nose. It's raining. How fitting. He's drenched and the water is cold but refreshing. Cleanses him of all his sins or at least, it feels like it.
In an abandoned street, Noel falls to his knees and he lets go. He throws caution to the wind. Under the rain he comes undone. He lets himself feel, grieve, mourn, all of the things he deliberately didn't allow himself to do, that he didn't dare to do. His sobs can be heard in the quiet night. Noel doesn't care.
He doesn't know if he's crying or if it's just the rain but his eyes burn so it must be the former. He wants to keep crying. He wants to laugh. He wants to unravel.
He's been liberated.
He whispers three words- entwined with his cries and sobs-in the empty space, into the void, to nothing. He whispers three words he has been dying to say since well, since that faithful day. He whispers those three words to an imaginary woman: pink hair in a ponytail, soft smile, blue beautiful eyes twinkling and he trembles, not precisely from the cold.
He forgives but does not forget, with those three words.
He's no longer in denial.
"I wanted to protect her"
"I thought I had"
"I thought she was safe"
A/N: Please don't forget to review and if you like it please fav it ;) Reviews give me energy to keep writing