If any of you seeing this read my other two fics, Carolina Crush and Unexpected Twist of Fate, thanks for taking the time to read them. Triple that gratitude if you took the time to comment, like, fav, etc. These simple gestures, good or bad, really do help the writer, I think anyway.

Y'all, I'm terrible at summaries and they only give us so many characters...frustrating. Ok quickly, this chapter is heavy in Emily background; needed to get the foundation of this fic started there. Just hear her out…

First two chapters are done so here we go…one then two...

Chapter 1

I started noticing it in middle school; subtle differences between me and other girls. Not bad different, rather, just different. No one else suspected, or if they did they wouldn't dare say anything. But I knew; I felt it with every ounce of conviction.

In my younger years I didn't think anything of it. I didn't even know what IT was. I didn't have much interest in boys. When my friends talked about their crushes I would go along with it. I was just late to catch up. Eventually I'll have the same interests. At some point a boy at my school would capture my attention. It was bound to happen.

And it did to a degree. I dated around in high school; boys from my school, boys out of district, boys in college. If I'm honest, I'll admit that I was kind of a flirt. Ok, not kind of. I WAS a flirt. Yes, there, I said it. It was completely harmless and I in no way intended to lead anyone on. I was someone who simply got a lot of attention. I was a varsity athlete in every sport I competed starting my sophomore year. I was from a very well-respected family. I was part of the "it" group at school. I was nice, approachable, and funny. Those traits must add up to someone people are drawn to, I guess.

No one could ever suspect that I started to have thoughts and feelings that I buried so deep inside me that at times I could almost feel them struggle to break free. To say to the world, "Emily Fields is attracted to girls!" I still hadn't made the connection that what that really meant is that I was gay, but I knew enough to keep my mouth shut about it.

Towards the beginning of junior year I began to form a very tight friendship with Ben, a boy in my grade. I got to know Ben really well by the second semester. We were practically inseparable.

Ben asked me after school one day to get coffee with him. "Just the two of us" he specified. We had fun laughing, talking…like we always did. And then he laid it on me. Ben didn't want to be just friends anymore. He wanted something more. He told me he had liked me for a long time and hoped I felt the same.

I told him I would think about it and I did- a lot. My best friends, Hanna; Spencer; and Aria, encouraged me to go for it. The best relationships start out as friendships they say, right? If that's true, who better for me than Ben…and so I jumped in to that new, uncharted water with him.

Senior year Ben and I became Rosewood's "it couple." Everyone thought we were SO cute. Admittedly, we were. I knew it, he knew it...everyone knew it. I was comfortable with Ben, it was easy. However, we weren't as physical as some other people our age. They were having sex and he and I were not. We messed around, but I had zero desire to go all the way there. I played it off like I wasn't ready but the truth was I simply didn't want to. I loved him, I really did, but I had to admit that I wasn't IN LOVE with him. But I hung in there, and so did he because he loved me and we were "Ben and Emily."

The end of senior year came and with that, the end to our relationship. I was going away to Penn State, and he was staying in Rosewood to attend Hollis. It made the decision to breakup much easier to explain. I'd rather give him that reasoning as opposed to "I'm sorry, I love you but not in the way you love me", or better yet, "I can't even remotely think about being more physical with you."

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That summer, before I left for Penn, I spent a week volunteering in Haiti with a few of my friends from the swim team. It was there, with another girl on the trip, that I would begin to come to terms with who I am.

I can't even remember her name. I'm not entirely sure I knew it then. We barely spoke to each other. But when she did speak to me, jeez, the Earth's plates shifted below me. It rocked my world. I had never blatantly been hit on by another girl until then. And I liked it. Wow, did I like it.

I remember it all so clearly. She walked past me as our group was heading towards a home we were building and whispered, "You're gorgeous," and smiled. Her words were like an electrical shock. I was immediately buzzing from the energy they caused in my body. A few days later we found ourselves alone in a supply closet of the compound we were staying at for the week. I could barely make eye contact with her. She stepped towards me and said, "You look hot today and that tank top is just so…" and then she bit her bottom lip sensually.

I was intimidated by her boldness, but I also found it thrilling. I had never quite felt that way before. She excited me and that's when the light bulb went on. This stranger…this GIRL, got my heart racing and made me want to do things I'd never before admitted that I wanted.

I began to wonder what it would be like to kiss her. What would her lips feel like? Would I reciprocate if she made a move? Did I WANT her to make a move? Yeah, I kinda did. She didn't…make a move that is. But for the first time ever I recognized what was missing. I wanted a girl, like really.

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So all's well and good, right? I went off into the sunset as a happy new lesbian. Sorry to disappoint, but no; I did not. I dug a new hole inside myself and buried this affirmation deep.

I was still in denial. Why? Not sure. Actually, I did know, but I didn't want to acknowledge my weakness. I was too afraid of what my friends and family would think. Their happiness in believing they knew everything about me and in turn, living the life they expected of me, meant more than my happiness with another girl.

For three years I did this. During my freshman, sophomore, and junior years at Penn State I was a major player. I still didn't sleep with any of the guys I dated but boy did I burn through them. At the lowest point I counted that I was up to dating six guys at one time, as if I had something to prove, if not to everyone else, then to myself. I wasted so much time.

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Penn State, Senior Year, 2009

By now, some of my friends have started seriously dating. They are in love with their boyfriends…and I of course, am not. Things can't keep going like this. I want that kind of love too. And I am ready to be honest enough with myself to concede that I am not going to find that with any guys.

I just returned to Penn after summer break back home in Rosewood. I made the decision while I was home that this year will be different. I will not shy away from who I am and what I want. I have a positive outlook for the first time in a long while.

I realized when I got to my apartment that I left my contact solution back home at my parent's house. That means a trip to the store this afternoon because I definitely can't go without that.

I gathered up the items that I need and stood in line to wait at the checkout counter. The lady in front of me had an item that must have been missing the price tag. The cashier called for help and in less than a minute another employee walked up to see what she needed.

As the two of them spoke, I took a minute to admire the girl. She was about my height with a slim, athletic build. Her hair hung to just past her shoulders and it was a beautiful chestnut color. Her eyes looked fairly dark from where I stood, probably a dark brown if I had to guess. I could sense intensity in her as she spoke to the cashier. I got the impression that whatever this girl set her mind to; she gave it all she had.

The girl quickly walked away to go check the item. When she returned she told the cashier what the price was and started to walk back the direction she came. Before she did, she looked up and our eyes met. I couldn't help but stare at her. We exchanged something between us in that brief contact; a recognition of some sort. She gave me a slight smile and nod as if to say "hello." Before she fully turned to walk away I got a glimpse of her name badge. Paige I read to myself as a whisper.