Forgive & Forget
Rated: Mild R
Pairing(s): AkuDem / Implied: Zemyx - AkuRoku
Warnings: Implied sexual situations / Slash - Male x Male love
Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, hold claim to the Kingdom Hearts characters featured in this fanfiction.
Author's notes: First things first: This fic is not stolen! If you've seen this fic before it's because I posted it under my old account. With that aside… this is pretty old. Sort of confusing. And was a complete and utter bitch to write. But, I enjoy writing fics that leave a lot of gray, instead of being blatantly black and white. If you like the style of this fiction and you enjoy the series Twilight, check out my other story In Waiting. They mimic the same flow.
X -- X -- X
Remembering is hard -
- but forgetting is even harder.
X -- X -- X
The blonde rubs his eyes a few times, blinking in utter disbelief. There, the other sits, coffee in one hand, a newspaper in the other, apparently unaware of the sitarist's presence. Numbly, Demyx walks over, seating himself beside the redheaded man uninvited. Axel stares at the intruder, emerald eyes fixed coldly upon the other's familiar face. Silence continues to befall the staring pair until one finally finds their breath.
"...Axel?" Demyx breathes. It is meant to be a statement, but it comes more as an inquiry, as if the man next to him - who is drinking coffee and breathing - isn't really alive at all.
"Yes." Axel answers shortly, his smooth voice making him suddenly seem all too real to Demyx.
"How did you get here?"
Axel suppresses a small laugh. "I walked, how else?"
"No, I mean - " Demyx's sentence falls short. He stares intently at Axel, as if expecting him to understand.
And Axel does understand, however, he merely shrugs, sipping his coffee.
X -- X -- X
The pain usually came and went slowly, like the tides of a stirring, angry sea. Demyx found himself content some days and sullen others. Vivid memories of his past plagued his dreams, twisting them into violent - often horrific - nightmares. Images of their deaths, their fadings...
...his death, his fading...
Loneliness was, more or less, the hardest thing for him to accept. No one would ever understand his disheveled world. After all, who - aside from those unfortunate, condemned thirteen - could ever possibly comprehend the feeling of not feeling?
At times, Demyx almost wished he was a Nobody again.
But, slowly - oh so slowly - over the years, he had learned to accept the pain filled tide when it came and enjoy it when it receded - though enjoyment itself was another pain to him. Enjoyment meant forgetting.
And so...
Perhaps it was fitting for the sitarist's pain to be as deep and great as the ocean he once controlled.
Perhaps it was fitting...that the ocean now controlled him.
X -- X -- X
"So what have you been doing?" Demyx asks casually leaning back against the wall, as if to make things less awkward between them. Axel does not reply, but studies him.
The sitarist looks the same. Wild, unkempt blond hair; eyes so deep and blue they put the ocean itself to shame; lightly sun-kissed skin. Yes, Demyx still looks like the nobody he once was. Only older. Tired. Empty.
Stirring his drink, Axel reverts his gaze to the twisting combination of creamer, sugar, and coffee. Demyx looks at the other's eyes; they are the only thing that make him seem real...alive.
"I've been working here and there, doing odd jobs and such." He replies after a long while.
"Ah," The blond leans over, glancing at an article of the crinkled paper in delicate alabaster hands. "Where have you been?" His head is nearly resting on Axel's shoulder and the redhead can't help but wonder if that question is asking for more then the obvious answer.
"It amazes me that I've never seen you." Demyx continues a moment after and Axel swears he can hear the blonde's sentence end in a sigh of disappointment, as Demyx's warm body pulls away just slightly.
"Around; I've been around." Axel finally answers as he takes another sip of his coffee, adjusting the paper in his grasp so they can both read it comfortably.
X -- X -- X
The world had always been a vicious place for Axel; his life was a train wreck waiting to happen.
Becoming a Nobody had not only completed him but destroyed him as well. It made him who he was and who he didn't want to be. The memories could never be washed away, though he'd tried multiple times - drowning them and other such vain attempts - yet, they continued to persist. Ever-strong and ever-present. Always there - never gone; hidden in the back of his mind, coming forward when some small thing hinted at the life - or rather, unlife - he once had.
Like a corpse walking the earth in search of something that can no longer be found, he feels dead.
One can almost find it laughable.
Organization XIII had finally reached their goal: Kingdom Hearts had bestowed upon them the gift of emotion - feeling. And oh how ironic it is!
The only thing Axel feels now is numb.
X -- X -- X
"How have you been holding up?" Demyx asks, his eyes focused intently on the loitering bodies before them, all awaiting the train.
"Fine." Axel pauses for a long time. "And yourself?"
"I've been...okay." Demyx's voice is sad and Axel doesn't have to inquire as to why.
"Good to hear."
Demyx is looking at him, memories playing on fast-forward in his dull, lifeless eyes. The blond smiles in a vain attempt to hide the pain; Axel smiles to cover up his regret - 'I'm sorry; I'm so sorry Demyx.'
"You look good." Demyx's mouth is moving without prior permission. Axel is taken aback by this comment, but doesn't show it, although - suddenly, for the first time in nearly a decade - feeling doesn't feel so bad.
"As do you, Demyx." Demyx is smiling, beaming at him with such a radiance it hurts to look at. The pair sit awkwardly for a while, the train pulling up a few yards away.
"Um…" Demyx looks at Axel, blushing as he takes the other's hand into the warmth of his, scribbling seven digits on the redhead's tender palm.
Demyx is gone by the time he looks up.
And again - he is alone.
X -- X -- X
"Hello?" Demyx's voice is anxious, though he knew the other would call.
"Dinner." Axel suggests. The blonde's silence on the other end of the line bothers him, but he'll never admit it.
X -- X -- X
Quietly, Demyx seats himself at the table, dressed in black and expensive looking. Axel stares down at his menu, clad in black, and equally as expensive looking.
And it's funny, how the two suddenly feel like the Nobodies they once were...though that in itself is a contradiction beyond compare.
X -- X -- X
"So," Demyx begins slowly, as if what he says and how he says it will matter to the former Nobody across from him, "Have you seen anyone else from..." Demyx pauses, thinking of how to phrase it best. "...back then?"
"No. No one is left," Axel looks up from the menu in his hands, "Or so I thought." Demyx's warm, whole-hearted smile intrigues him. Idly, Axel wonders why Demyx is smiling and what he has to smile about? They had nothing left, only the capability to feel, which Axel often found himself questioning why it was such a big deal in the first place.
He quietly sips his champagne.
Demyx now looks at his menu.
X -- X -- X
The mind is a dark place and Axel spent a lot of time searching it - burying himself in the what if's and if only's. His mind was his prison. His cell. It took everything in him at times to forget and not reminisce; to pretend things didn't happen the way they had. To pretend he hadn't caused so many deaths; pretend that he wasn't the murder they all claimed him to be.
Slowly over the years, Axel soon came to the realization that he wasn't anything anymore...
Not a somebody.
…Not even a Nobody.
X -- X -- X
"It's funny how we wound up bumping into each other." Demyx is babbling again, trying to make conversation between them during dessert. Axel's gaze never reverts from his plate as the blond speaks. "I mean, I never thought I'd see anyone from the Organization again after ..."
"Is it?" Axel finally asks. Demyx lays his fork down, looking up into the emerald eyes of his former love's murderer.
"Don't you think so?" Suddenly Demyx feels stupid. It's odd, this is the way he used to feel - if he could have felt - before.
"I guess." Axel nods, emptying his champagne glass in one last drink.
X -- X -- X
Feeling.
Feeling had lead to all of their deaths. The ability to feel: to love, to hate, to need. Emotion in itself had damned them all to their - although unfortunate - inevitable deaths.
And so, perhaps this is why Axel fears emotion. Perhaps this is why the once bubbly, talkative, and overly optimistic blond now cries at night. Perhaps this is why Axel's wrists bare the proof of thirteen Nobodies. Perhaps this is why Demyx keeps that empty bottle of aspirin in his medicine cabinet as a constant reminder of why he shouldn't drink too much andreminisce...
Perhaps...
X -- X -- X
They meet again, at a local cafe this time. Dressed down and worn - both exhausted from sleepless nights.
"Do you ever think about them?" Demyx's face is shadowed by his bangs as his head hangs low, hands clutching his coffee almost desperately, as if it's the only lifeline linking him to reality.
Axel ponders the thought for a moment. Yes. He thinks about Roxas often. Though he honestly doesn't know why. The blond never even existed, right? What was the point of missing something that never even was?
"No. I do not waste my time reminiscing the dead."
"Oh."
X -- X -- X
Moonlit caresses and muffled moans. Gentle fingers dance along porcelain skin. Sun kissed wrists tangle themselves in unruly red locks. The blond arches his back and the other thrusts. Demyx's lips part, but Axel moans.
"What are we doing?" Demyx's breath sounds weak and exasperated. Axel's tongue slides against Demyx's flesh, lips coming to kiss and nip at the base of the blonde's neck.
"Feeling." Axel answers simply. Demyx's sweaty fingers grip at the slick flesh of Axel's thighs.
"Are we?" The redhead's hips buck against his in rhythm."Then what are we doing?" Axel inquires, his gaze holding the other still as he ravages a body that is no longer Demyx's, but a younger boy's with bright ocean eyes and spiky blonde hair...
"Forgetting." Demyx whispers though trembling lips, then groans, digging small nails into strong shoulders - shoulders he imagines to be smaller, draped in veil of slate hair.
"Are you sure we're not remembering?"
They both come violently, tangled bodies sprawling out on the ironically pure white sheets beneath them. It was unhealthy - necessary - drowning the painful memories in heated lust - feeling with another who knows what it feels like to feel absolutely nothing.
Axel can taste Demyx's fresh tears, hear his quiet sobs, feel his breaking heart... And again, Axel finds himself wondering why the Organization so longed to feel... When all feeling did was bring pain and remorse and...
"Demyx, I'm so sorry...I..." Axel can hear his voice crack.
The blonde shakes his head, understanding without words what Axel is trying to say.
X -- X -- X
Demyx is sitting on Axel's couch the next morning, head resting on a hand thoughtfully. "They're really gone aren't they?" Axel appears from the kitchen, handing the blond a cup, steam rising gracefully from it's contents. Demyx's eyes are lifeless - distant - as he stares across the room. They sit silently. Axel stares at Demyx for a long time before reverting his gaze to the blank television across the room
"Yes." The word comes out in a harsh whisper.
Silently, the world comes crashing down around them.
X -- X -- X
Forgiving is hard -
- but letting go is even harder.
X -- X -- X
Fin.
.
.
.
Author's Notes (2):I'm not sure if I hate this, or love it, or if I'm just indifferent to the entire piece. This thing gave me hell for literally three months. I could never figure out where to go with it...so...I apologize if it doesn't make much sense.
//Ace*Anomaly//