Title: King of the Commoners
Rating: PG-13
Series: Ouran High School Host Club
Thanks to Ouran, I can no longer see, say, or write 'commoner' without bursting into laughter. I just can't do it. In history today NotAnotherFangirl and I discussed this and now she's forcing me to write a fanfiction, so you can either blame her for me not writing the next chapter of A Broken Angel or thank her.
Enjoy.
"Tonoooooooo"
"Tonoooooooo"
"Tonoooooooo"
"Tonoooooooo"
"Tonooooo-"
"WHAT?!"
"...Are we there yet?" the twins said in unison. They were on their way to the mall to visit Haruhi. It was summer vacation and they hadn't bothered her even once. The twins and Tamaki in particular were going through bother withdrawal, they had to annoy their favorite cross dresser. Hunny, Mori, and Kyouya were coming along too. Hunny just wanted to go to the mall, and Mori was only there because he was. Kyouya didn't plan on coming but when Tamaki sent him 245 text messages in five minuets he had to comply.
"I don't know, ask Kyouya. Kyouya's the smart one," he frowned and looked to Kyouya who shook his head.
"We're here, idiot," he pointed out the window. The twins and Tamaki looked outside in awe. So this is what a commoners mall looked like. It was two floors, but they thought it was tiny.
"It's as big as the staff house!" Hikaru commented, his eyes wide and the image of the mall reflecting in them.
"It's smaller than the staff house!" Kaoru chimed in, his eyes looking exactly alike.
"How is this a mall? Kyouyaaaaa how many stores are in this mall?" Tamaki clung to the Shadow King, looking like he was in pain.
"I don't know, maybe a little over fifty?" he said, "How should I know?"
"Why must my Haruhi be in such a place?!" he cried dramatically, withering to the floor of the limousine. The twins were mimicking his movements on either side for dramatic effect. Hunny thought it was funny and did it too, but Mori made him get up because he said the floor was dirty.
"You're not going to find her on the floor, Tamaki. We may as well go in," he opened the door and walked out. Hunny bounced on top of both of them to get out and Mori used the door on his side.
"Alright you two, operation Find-Haruhi-In-The-Sea-Of-Commoners is now in action!!!" Tamaki proclaimed.
"What exactly do you have in mind, tono?" Hikaru asked and his brother came up behind him, looking curious.
"We need a way to contact all the commoners in the sea at the same time..." he pondered, "But how?"
"Why don't we use the intercom?" Kaoru suggested.
"You're sexy when you're the smart one~" Hikaru smirked and Kaoru scowled and tried to hit his brother, but Hikaru blocked his attacks.
"Oi oi!! Order in the presence of your king!!!" Tamaki scowled and the twins stopped, mostly because of what he said. "There's only one problem with that, how do you get to the intercom?" Tamaki asked.
The twins looked at each other and smirked, "Leave that to us." Before Tamaki knew it he was stuck in a vent with the two of them.
"Ewwww it smells so bad in here..." Tamaki whined as he crawled along in the vent, "And my pants are going to get all ruined..."
"Sorry, that was me," Hikaru said and Kaoru snickered, "Just move your fat ass already."
"OH MY GOD AM I FAT?! DO I NEED TO GO TO THE GYM?! WHAT WILL THE LADIES THINK?! WHAT WILL HARUHI THINK?! Oh woe is me, since Haruhi left me I've let myself go! What will I tell the children when they ask why Daddy is getting fat?! They'll never love me again! I'll die an old man with fifty cats and everyone will feel sorry for me when they watch my documentary on TV and see how fat I am!" he cried, he must have been in a dramatic mood today. He started feeling his ass, trying to assess its fatness.
"Hurry up, we're almost there," the twins tried to push him along while he was being a drama king. They peered through the vent cover and noticed the room was empty. They took off the cover and the twins helped each other down, leaving Tamaki to fall and hit the floor.
"Ow!" Tamaki groaned, but his attitude changed when he saw the mic, "Yay!!! Now I can communicate to the populous!!!" The twins looked at each other, confused as Tamaki pressed the button to speak. "Attention commoners! This is your king speaking!!"
"...Tono, you're only our king."
"...SHUT UP!!!!! Erm...anyways, would commoner Haruhi Fujioka please report to the food court immediately. This is an order from your king!!!!!"
"Haruhi, I think they're talking about you..." her supervisor said, and then looked around, "Haruhi?" Haruhi was in a dressing room, figuring maybe if she would hide it would go away.
"Come and you shall be my commoner Queen! THAT IS ALL MY COMMONERS!!!! CARRY ON WITH YOUR COMMONER DAY!!!!!" There would probably never be another 'commoner day' when the entire mall was silent at the same time. Not a single person was talking, they were all in awe at what they had just heard.
"Tamaki, why are you playing with the intercom?" Kyouya was standing there.
"We need to find Haruhi!!!" Tamaki explained, "And I'm not playing! Like I told these two, I needed to address the populous!!!"
"Yep, he told us all right.." Hikaru replied, "Even we're in awe of his stupidity this time."
"HEY!!! That's no way to talk about your king!!!!" Tamaki scolded them.
"You're king of the commoners, remember? We're nobles, we don't count," Kaoru shot back.
"There you go being smart again~" Hikaru purred and Kaoru tackled him to the ground.
Kyouya then rolled his eyes with annoyance, "Come on before you cause any more trouble." He grabbed Tamaki by the wrist and dragged him out, blocking out his whining. Even though he had a hold of his hand, Tamaki was waving like the Queen of England with the other hand. This meant there was no doubt in anyone's mind he was the lunatic from the intercom.
"Where do you think she learned it from?" he continued to wave and smile at the people who went by, some sheltered their children.
"You aren't by any chance attracted to men are you?" Kyouya asked suddenly.
"No..why?" he pouted.
"Nothing, I was wrong.." he muttered to himself as he dragged Tamaki along. They finally got to the store Haruhi worked at, where she had finally come out of hiding. "I've got your King of the Idiots, Haruhi," he said as he entered the store.
"Did you have to bring him? Shouldn't we have him beheaded in the food court for being a bad King?" she sighed.
"I wish..." Kyouya replied as Tamaki raced over to Haruhi.
"Oh my Queen! How I have missed you!!!" he hugged her, "We shall rule the sea of commoners together now!!!!!!!"
"Since when am I married to you? Wouldn't that be incest?" she pointed out.
"Nonononono!!!!!!! It's different now!!!!" he tried to clarify.
"You don't just stop being someone's child, dumbass," she crossed her arms.
"But Haruhiiiii!!!" he sunk to his knees, clinging to her legs, "We could have a commoner empire!!!! I could rule and you could address the commoners since you know commoner speak!!!"
"Commoner speak?" she raised an eyebrow, although she didn't really want to know.
"You know, like yo. 'Sup homie-g, where my hoes at?" he did gestures with his hands just to prove how much he understood about 'commoner speak', "As king I cannot possible speak about my hoes."
"No, really?" she rolled her eyes.
"Of course not, my hoes are a very private matter," he said with a serious expression.
"Do you even know what a hoe is?" Kyouya interrupted.
"It's a..." he moved his eyes from side to side and went to whisper in his ear, "Promiscuous woman."
"So why do you need hoes if you have me as your Queen? Isn't that cheating?" Haruhi frowned.
"Not if I'm King! It's never cheating if you're King!" he proclaimed.
"Hey guys, what happened since we were gone?" Hikaru and Kaoru showed up.
"What happened to you two? You look like a mess," Haruhi replied. Their hair was messed up, their shirts were all wrinkled and Kaoru was missing a shoe.
"Well, you see, when twins love each other they get angry. Then they yell, and in order to vent their frustrations they have se-"
"I get it, I get it..." she looked away as if they were demonstrating in front of her.
"Look look! I have ice-cream!" Hunny exclaimed. Wait, where had they been the whole time?
~END~