Eh, very tentatively titled, but here's some angst for FMA day. With Havoc, because he needs to be in more things.

this is no way

October 3, 2013

(fma day)

The grin on Havoc's face slipped for a moment when he saw who came through the office door. Recovering quickly, he let out a cheerful, "Hiya, Chief!" along with the rest of Mustang's men.

He'd thought that he had been able to hide any cracks in his voice, but from the quick look Ed threw him out of the corner of his eye— the one that said, 'I know something's up and we're gonna talk later'— he realized he must not have been entirely successful.

Thankfully, there were reports that had to be made and screaming matches to be had with the Colonel before Ed was free to try to corner him.

Havoc swallowed at the thought and, in an effort to push it away, did more work in the course of that hour than he'd done all morning long. That, of course, made Hawkeye raise an eyebrow at him, which, in turn, made him so nervous that he lit a new cigarette not realizing that one was already dangling from his lips. He viciously stuffed the end of it into the ashtray in front of him and twisted it until the paper fell apart.

He had just pushed out of his chair and was about to walk out of the office, regardless of later repercussions, when the door to Mustang's office burst open and a flailing red ball of fury stormed out and slammed it back behind him, with about as many curses as Havoc had ever heard him string together in the same sentence.

He clomped across the carpet until pulling up sharply once he realized someone was standing between him and the exit. Golden eyes turned upward and for a moment, Havoc thought that he would get shoved to the side and then completely forgotten and he could get on with his life and hope that Ed would forget he ever wanted to have a chat.

But then something sparked in the young man's eyes and Havoc knew that he would not be escaping today.

"Well, move it!" Ed shouted as he pushed him backward out the door. Out of sight of help. The older Elric—and what Havoc wouldn't have given to have the younger one here right now to bring some sort of control to his brother—grabbed his arm and began dragging him down the hallway.

Once they were out of earshot, Ed slowed his breakneck pace and quieted down, although he didn't stop moving (or let go of him) until they'd come to an empty room. Then he whirled around.

"Alright," Ed stated, staring up at him with fists on his hips. "So what did you want to talk to me about?"

Havoc edged backward, trying to get out of it. "Honestly, Chief, you don't want to hear it today. That's fine, we'll talk later and I have tons of stuff that Hawkeye needs me to do and I don't want to make her mad…"

Ed reached out and grabbed him with his metal arm this time. "Hey, I'm not the one who said you had something to tell me."

"But…" Havoc hedged. "But that was before you left on your last mission! I told you it could wait until you got back."

"And now I am back," he pointed out.

"Well, it can still wait."

"Maybe I can't," the young alchemist said petulantly, rolling his eyes in exasperation. "And something is obviously still on your mind and now is as good a time as any, so spill! Come on."

"No, I really don't… think that now is a good time…" he licked his lips.

"Havoc," Ed said. "I can hear anything you want to say to me right now."

He stretched out a hand to point back to where they'd just come from. "But you were just in a full-blown yelling match with the Colonel a minute ago!"

"That's because he's…!" Ed huffed before calming down and pinning him with a stare. "I'm good now. Really," he added at Havoc's still wary look.

"Look," he turned for a moment and ran a finger through what he could of his braid. Then, bringing his full attention back to Havoc, he admitted, "That stuff back there in the office, I can spout that off automatically in my sleep. Doesn't really mean anything. I'm okay. And I can listen to whatever it is that's rattling around in that brain of yours. In fact," he said, eyes glinting in determination. "I'm not leaving or letting you leave until you tell me. Because now I'm curious."

Havoc closed his eyes in resignation. He had learned long ago that there came a time when you simply couldn't reason with the Colonel, and it seemed like it was the same thing here. That expression looked far too familiar.

He shook his head and chuckled. "Alright, Chief, you win. Although I'm not sure that you'll be too happy about when I'm done."

Ed canted his head and pursed his lips, but didn't say anything.

That almost made it harder to begin.

"I… I wanted to ask you something."

"Okay," Ed drawled.

"Something really personal. And you're probably not going to like it…"

The young alchemist sighed. "I already told you…"

"It's about Alphonse." All expression drained from Ed's face. "And your bodies. And your search for the philosopher's stone."

He waited for the boy to stop him, but he stood stock still with a guarded, but expectant, look. So he continued.

"I just…" he dropped his head for a moment and wished he could pull out another cigarette but as he'd left his lighter at his work station, it would be absolutely useless. "I wanted to know if you…" He rubbed his fingers over his chin and gave in, pulling a slender stick out of the ever-present carton in his pocket. If nothing else, it would give him something to look at other than those eyes staring straight at him while he was about to suggest…

He rolled the cigarette between his fingers and brought it up toward his mouth before dropping his hand and then awkwardly drawing it up to his chest again. Clearly just playing for time.

But Edward watched and said nothing.

Perhaps speaking quickly would be easier. Like pulling of a bandage, right?

"I wanted to make sure you'd considered… that you and Alphonse… that maybe… you shouldn't…?" he trailed off before repeating more definitely, "That you shouldn't?" He brought the cigarette to his lips and pulled on it even though it hadn't been lit. More nervous habit than anything else. He honestly couldn't care less that he was making the end soggy. His heart was beating too fast for that.

"Shouldn't what?" Ed eventually asked very slowly.

"Shouldn't… keep looking," he replied, dropping his eyes to the floor, ashamed that he'd said it to the brother who would do anything to do what was best for what was left of his family. But wasn't that the problem in the first place?

"For a way to get your bodies back. For you to try to make the past a reality again. Because you can't. The past is in the past and you can't go back to it no matter how much you want to or how hard you try."

Ed stared at him. He tried not to decipher the expression because he thought that it might be somewhere between shock and disbelief and betrayal and this was the last thing that he had ever wanted to do.

"Like when you tried to bring your mother back. You couldn't. Nothing you could have done would have brought her back, because… human transmutation just doesn't…" He rolled the cigarette between his fingers. "It would have been better to have left well enough alone then," he said earnestly, even though he hated himself for saying it. "And not try to see her again. You and Al, you could have gotten over it and grown up like regular kids and you would have had your bodies and a life and people who still loved you."

He ran a hand through his hair as he tried to get through this. "If you had learned to live with things the way they were, you would still have your arm and your leg and you wouldn't be a slave to the military because as good as you are, you don't belong here, Chief, and your brother would still have his body and be able to eat and sleep and…"

He trailed off for a minute, but picked up the train of thought again quickly because he had to get through this and he had to ignore the look on Ed's face, who had barely even breathed this whole time. "And… if this is how far you've come from being innocent kids, where will you go from here? What are you going to lose next? There's not that much that you've got left. It's just you and your brother and you're both only partway here. And this is the philosopher's stone we're talking about here. This isn't… this is big!" he exclaimed, his hands flying wide to show the enormity of the issue. "I wouldn't want to tangle with it and I don't want anyone I know messing around with this kind of thing either.

"And it's not because I don't want you to get your bodies back; I do." Havoc leaned forward to try to emphasize the depths of what he was feeling. He tried to catch Ed's eyes, but the kid was staring vacantly toward the ground and it made his heart sink. "I do, Chief, I really do and I wish there was something I could do to help."

But there had never been anything he could do except show his support and follow Mustang's orders so that the game plan could be further advanced.

"But you've just got to see that this is the situation and you've got to make the best of it and protect what you've got left and I don't want…" he rubbed a hand down his face and tried to ignore the fact that the frustration welling up inside him was beginning to make his eyes sting. "I don't want you to go into this thinking that you've got a solution and come out of it without enough pieces for us to put back together.

"I know…" He sighed shakily as he tried to explain where he was coming from to the unresponsive major. "I know I'm not an alchemist and that I don't know as much about equivalent exchange as you do, but, Ed, isn't the whole problem with human transmutation that nothing can be as valuable as human life?

"Look at Alphonse. He doesn't have a body. What will you have to give to get one for him? What do you have to give? Are you going to give yours in exchange? I know that you'd do anything for him and I know that you'd pay that in a heartbeat if it would fix things but you can't. You can't," he emphasized. "You cannot sacrifice yourself for your brother. You can't make him whole again and bring him back into a world where you are no longer alive. Because…" he continued on, brokenly, "how guilty you feel about how he is right now… how much worse would he feel if he knew you gave himself up for him?"

He looked at the limp cigarette in his hand and sighed before dropping it to the floor where it rolled a few inches and lost the rest of its momentum.

Havoc kept his eyes on the thin, unmoving cylinder as he continued, knowing full well that his words had never been appreciated. "We're all rooting for you. We all want you to win and to get your bodies back. And I'm not trying to talk you out of it. Not really. I know that this is what you need to do and that you and Alphonse have both agreed that this is the path you're going to take."

And he was glad for it. All of them had paths, destinations they were heading for even if the laid through a river of blood, as Mustang had so colorfully ordered them to endure.

"But, I just… I needed to know that you've at least thought about this. The idea that maybe it would be better to learn how to live with the bodies you've got now. Because at least you're both here and you're both alive and together. And that maybe trying to fix things would only make them worse. And, frankly, I don't see how they can get any worse and still leave you both in the running. And I don't want to see that happen. I don't want to see the two of you get killed over chasing this dream when you can still be living the way you are now. I know it's not perfect," he wiped the blade of his hands across his eyes and inhaled sharply. "I know that it's not even good and that you two are suffering through it. But it's got to be better than nothing, right? I mean…"

He broke off, glancing at Ed who still hadn't moved, had probably blocked out his words as soon as he'd started speaking. As well he should have.

"Sorry," he said. "I'm sorry I ever brought this up. I… I had no right and I don't even really mean it because, of course, you have to get your bodies back… it's just that… you've already gone through more Hell than I have and I was right in the thick of things in Ishval.

"But, I told you… I told you that you weren't going to want to hear it and… but I just…" he trailed off helplessly, about to go back to his pile of paperwork and an angry Hawkeye because anything would be better than this, when Ed cleared his throat.

He froze mid-step and turned back to him, not knowing what to expect after he'd given such a horrible speech.

"I…" the older Elric began hoarsely. "I have thought about it."

Havoc swallowed heavily.

"I've… I've wondered how this can possibly end well for us. How on earth we think that we can find a philosopher's stone and how we can make this right again. How I can fix…" he let out a breath of air.

"And I know that you're probably right. That this is as good as we will ever be again for the rest of our lives. And that trying to go back to the way things were is just going to make it all worse again. I know that.

"But I also know that we can't stop. This isn't any way for Al to live. And I don't know how I'm going to get his body back, but I'm going to. So I can't afford to think about those kinds of 'what ifs' because we made a promise to each other. And no matter where that takes us, there is no way on earth that I am ever going to break that promise."

He looked up at Havoc, then, and gave him the smallest of smiles. "So thanks. I know you're trying to help… I know you all are. And… well… I know that," he said seriously, with a deep appreciation that he would never voice, but the officer could see written plainly on his face.

Havoc felt like he could breathe again for the first time in weeks. "So, we're good, Chief?" he asked shakily, still hardly daring to believe it.

But then Ed grinned brightly and said, "Yeah, we're good." As he started walking away, he did laughingly point out, though, that Havoc should probably pick up the cigarette before Hawkeye reported his littering around the compound.