As with all my stories, the only thing that belongs to me is the plot. I do so like owning the plots...it makes me feel important.
Yes, yes...I hear the voices now. "You should be working on 'You've Got Mail' and I am. However, in the midst of deciding where to go next with that story, I suddenly found myself inspired. This story will be a combination of the modern world of Sailor Moon and the myth that is The Lord of the Rings. Oddly enough, the inspiration for this story came while listening to the lyrics of a Beatles song called "Leave My Kitten Alone", in which the kitten is the singer's girl who is being chased by another guy, the bulldog. This led then to what if the one ring was substituted for the girl and well, you'll see where it goes from there. Note: This is not meant to offend anyone or pay disrespect to Tolkien, the genius who created the LOTR world. This story is only meant as a fun alternative to the serious situations in the LOTR world.
Enjoy!
Gandalf Greyhame, chief of the Middle Earth Police Department, or M.E.P.D for short, was resting comfortably in his desk chair; or rather, sitting at his desk playing Solitaire with his new War of the Ring commemorative deck of playing cards. It had been a relatively slow day thus far, which was just fine with him. Not that he really liked having nothing to do; it did cause boredom rather quickly. However, today was a particularly bad day for boredom; Gandalf had run out of pipe-weed the night before and hadn't had time to get more, so he was a little edgier and a bit crosser and definitely more irritable then usual; and certainly he was in no mood to deal with the typical happenings of a policeman.
In fact, he wasn't in the mood for Solitaire either. It didn't take long for him to tire of the lonely game, so he opted instead for a bit of role- playing. Hunting through the deck, he finally fished out a Saruman and a Gandalf. He then set about having his own private wizard war on his desktop, with Saruman faring quite badly in the fight. It was during this little game that Gandalf was interrupted by the sound of a hesitant knocking on his office door. Hurriedly stowing the cards in the desk drawer, he shouted permission to enter.
The door opened and in popped the curly head of one of the members of the L.B.S., otherwise known as the Little Bigfoot Squad. The L.B.S. was the all hobbit-branch of the T.O.T.F, The One Task Force, comprised of the members of the fellowship, Gandalf excluded. "Begging your pardon chief, but I'm afraid I've got some bad news."
"What kind of bad news?"
"We just had a call from M.E.M, the Middle Earth Museum. It seems that...well...the replica of the one ring has been stolen."
There was a pause, followed by the loud roaring of Gandalf. "WHAT?!?!?!"
"I said the replica of the...."
Gandalf interrupted. "Yes I heard you the first time Pippin. This is a catastrophe!"
"Of course there's an investigation needed, but the curator of the museum did give a clue which should be useful in our narrowing down our list of suspects."
"Oh really?"
"Yes really."
"Well...."
"Well what?"
"The clue you fool of a Took! What's the clue?"
"Oh yes, the clue," Pippin said, a bit embarrassed. "It seems a note was left behind where the replica ring was displayed. A dirty piece of paper with rather bad handwriting and poor grammar it was, saying 'The precious is mine!' That's all, I think...."
"Well isn't this just a fine kettle of fish. If your description is accurate, that clue narrows our list of suspects down to one...Gollum, a.k.a. Sméagol the Hobbit; which is rather disturbing as he is currently imprisoned in Isengard Penitentiary."
"He was...."
"What do you mean was...?"
"There's been a small S.N.A.F.U."
"S.N.A.F.U.?"
"You, see with all the funding difficulties and budget cuts we couldn't exactly afford decent guards for Isengard."
"Yes, I know that. Where is this conversation going?"
Pippin coughed. "Well, since you put Merry and I in charge of hiring them, we did our best to find the cheapest guards we could. Problem was, there was only one kind of guard we could afford to pay...Uruk-Hai that were once part of Saruman's army."
"WHAT???? You and Merry hired Uruk-Hai as guards???"
"That's not quite all...."
"There's more?" Gandalf felt his eye beginning to twitch.
"Well...the Uruk-Hai liked to have loud parties when they were off duty. This loud noise and general discord roused the ents and they sort of...destroyed Isengard...again...."
Gandalf let his head fall down, crash on his desk. "Why me...?" Then straightening himself up, he glared at Pippin. "And you were planning on telling me all this when....?"
"Never?"
"Oh nevermind...just get T.O.T.F. together and get down to that museum. I want the ring back in place A.S.A.P.! Or you're all FIRED!"
"Yes sir!" Pippin squeaked, firing off a quick salute before scurrying out the door.
Not a few moments later, the whole of T.O.T.F. was out on their M.E.P.D. horses, riding for the museum as fast as they could. After an uneventful journey, the dismounted and parked their steeds at the hitching post next door to the museum. The group trekked inside for a look around the crime scene, including an examination of the note that had been left behind.
"I don't quite get this whole business," Boromir said once they were assembled outside. "This is only a copy. It isn't like he took the real one."
"Yes, but you forget some very important points," Gimli said. "First, the replica of the one ring is still valuable...solid gold you know. Even has that special fire writing trick to it. Historically speaking, it's also quite valuable. It's the last piece of elven craft made before their departure from Middle Earth. Not to mention it's the center piece of our biggest tourist attraction."
"Your points are well taken Gimli. But that doesn't explain the popularity of that stupid attraction. I never understood the excitement of putting on a cheap replica of the ring that is fitted with a tiny holographic projector that makes all those illusions of those wraith kings and the eye of Sauron. Not a sight I'd want to see anyway."
"I'll second that," Frodo said. "I didn't even want to come on this investigation. I don't care if it is only a copy.... I had such a bad experience with the first ring I don't even want to see this replica."
"I don't blame you Mr. Frodo," Sam said. "That encounter with the one ring really wore your nerves to nothing. You haven't been quite the same yet and it isn't fair making you chase the ring all over creation."
"Hmm, yes...well, here he is so we'll just have to make the best of things," Aragorn said. "Though I am rather confused by the note."
"So am I," Frodo said. "It read 'The precious kitten is mine so leave her alone.'"
"Yeah...that isn't what you told us it said Pippin," said Boromir.
"Sorry...I couldn't remember all of it."
"It wasn't that long...."
"Hey!" Merry cried. "You'd not remember that bit if you knew you had to tell this to Gandalf. Besides, he's already feeling down in the dumps enough as it is, having to tell the chief about the Uruk-Hai and Isengard."
"Well, I will grant you that. Having to face the wrath of the chief isn't something I like to think about."
"None of us do," Aragorn said. "But back to the note.... The use of her and kitten trouble me. That doesn't sound like Gollum at all."
"Well who else could it be?" Frodo asked. "The only other person I know who's called the ring precious is Bilbo and he's in the Grey Havens Home for the Aged. Though I never did hear Gollum refer to it as her or kitten...."
"I was a bit surprised to find the ring had a gender myself," Boromir admitted. "But it fits it to be a her. Women cause all the conflicts in this world, I'm convinced of that."
"I don't know about that...," Sam said.
"I do," said Aragorn, being drawn off track . "I live with one and does she ever cause more then her share of problems. Why just last night I sat down to watch the football game and Arwen came along and took control of the remote, changing the TV to the Home Shopping Channel. Why the hell do we need a replica of Elendil's sword anyway?"
Suddenly, there came a loud "Eat dragon!" followed by the yells and jumps of Aragorn and Boromir as they got temporarily swallowed up by a sparkling dragon that crackled like lightening.
"DAMN YOU LEGOLAS!" screeched Boromir, trying to adjust his badly scorched hair once the smoke and light dissipated. "I specifically asked you if she was on duty today and you said NO!"
"Oops, my mistake...," the elf said.
"No, their mistake for making me even angrier then I already was," said the newcomer, a brown haired girl with green eyes. "Have you any idea how IRRITATING it is slapping parking tickets on Nazgul transports? I've only told the wraiths a million times that there's a 15 minute time limit on parking here for ANY mode of transportation, Nazgul beasts included. Next time I see one it's going to be towed and put in the impound lot."
Boromir laughed. "That's what you get for being demoted Makoto. Starting a fight with Gandalf of all people...."
"It wasn't a fight," she glared. "He was just mad that I beat him at a game of darts. Not my fault I have good aim. Anyway, it's not your business why I got demoted. You just want to rub my face in this misfortune because I beat you in last year's station arm wrestling contest championship."
"You didn't win, you cheated!" Boromir accused, pointing his finger at her.
"I did no such thing," she said, putting her hands on her hips.
"You did so. You got Legolas to stand behind you and make those ridiculous faces through our whole match. I don't call that fair."
"I didn't do anything of the sort."
"Oh, don't play innocent with me missy. As if you didn't know that seeing our prissy, uptight, pretty boy elf prince sticking his tongue out and making goggly eyed faces would make me laugh."
Makoto turned around. "You did that?"
"Well, yes...." Legolas looked rather sheepish. "But it wasn't entirely my fault. Pippin put me up to it."
"Pippin?" Boromir asked sternly. "What do you know about this business?"
"After a conference among us hobbits, we all agreed to it. A bit of fun; been much to serious lately...but also a way of saving our stomachs. Station food is horrible and well, Makoto is strong but not as strong as you...you might have broken her arm Boromir and then there'd be no cookies or pies or steaks or noodles or anything for two months at least! We decided we didn't want to sacrifice our cook so I made the proposition. $500 if Legolas would make faces at you over Makoto's head."
"And you took this bribe?" Boromir asked Legolas.
"I needed the money."
"Needed the money? Don't you have what they call inherited wealth?"
"Not quite. Father spent most of it trying to fix Mirkwood's bad reputation. That whole rebirth of Sauron in the woods sort of tarnished everybody's opinion of my homeland. And while there is obviously some left, I needed that $500 so I could get Mako's birthday gift. Elven forged mithril isn't cheap you know."
"ELVEN FORGED MITHRIL? Are you out of your mind? Nobody buys that for a birthday present. Why one ring of that would cost more then you'd make in a whole lifetime working at this job. Only reason for even remotely considering such an extravagance is...oh dear...you didn't...."
Makoto reached up to her neck, pulling out a chain from which a ring hung. "I said the chain needn't be mithril, but he insisted they had to match. I wouldn't have needed it at all, except you know the chief and his silly rules; no romantic relationships between anyone in the station. Just because he never fell in love doesn't mean all the rest of us have to be miserable too."
"Quite right," Sam said. "It's not fair is Miss Kino?"
"No, it really isn't," she sighed, tucking the chain back underneath her shirt. "Oh well...perhaps I should be on my way. If you're out and about, something big must be afoot. Wouldn't want to interrupt your work."
"We haven't done much anyway," Boromir shrugged.
"We would have done more if we hadn't kept getting of track," Aragorn said. "However, we really should be going now. Gandalf will have our heads if we can't tell him something about the ring."
"The ring?" Makoto asked.
"Somebody, who we believe to be Gollum, stole the replica of the one ring from the museum," Gimli informed her.
"If it's information you want, I might be able to help."
Yes, yes...I hear the voices now. "You should be working on 'You've Got Mail' and I am. However, in the midst of deciding where to go next with that story, I suddenly found myself inspired. This story will be a combination of the modern world of Sailor Moon and the myth that is The Lord of the Rings. Oddly enough, the inspiration for this story came while listening to the lyrics of a Beatles song called "Leave My Kitten Alone", in which the kitten is the singer's girl who is being chased by another guy, the bulldog. This led then to what if the one ring was substituted for the girl and well, you'll see where it goes from there. Note: This is not meant to offend anyone or pay disrespect to Tolkien, the genius who created the LOTR world. This story is only meant as a fun alternative to the serious situations in the LOTR world.
Enjoy!
Gandalf Greyhame, chief of the Middle Earth Police Department, or M.E.P.D for short, was resting comfortably in his desk chair; or rather, sitting at his desk playing Solitaire with his new War of the Ring commemorative deck of playing cards. It had been a relatively slow day thus far, which was just fine with him. Not that he really liked having nothing to do; it did cause boredom rather quickly. However, today was a particularly bad day for boredom; Gandalf had run out of pipe-weed the night before and hadn't had time to get more, so he was a little edgier and a bit crosser and definitely more irritable then usual; and certainly he was in no mood to deal with the typical happenings of a policeman.
In fact, he wasn't in the mood for Solitaire either. It didn't take long for him to tire of the lonely game, so he opted instead for a bit of role- playing. Hunting through the deck, he finally fished out a Saruman and a Gandalf. He then set about having his own private wizard war on his desktop, with Saruman faring quite badly in the fight. It was during this little game that Gandalf was interrupted by the sound of a hesitant knocking on his office door. Hurriedly stowing the cards in the desk drawer, he shouted permission to enter.
The door opened and in popped the curly head of one of the members of the L.B.S., otherwise known as the Little Bigfoot Squad. The L.B.S. was the all hobbit-branch of the T.O.T.F, The One Task Force, comprised of the members of the fellowship, Gandalf excluded. "Begging your pardon chief, but I'm afraid I've got some bad news."
"What kind of bad news?"
"We just had a call from M.E.M, the Middle Earth Museum. It seems that...well...the replica of the one ring has been stolen."
There was a pause, followed by the loud roaring of Gandalf. "WHAT?!?!?!"
"I said the replica of the...."
Gandalf interrupted. "Yes I heard you the first time Pippin. This is a catastrophe!"
"Of course there's an investigation needed, but the curator of the museum did give a clue which should be useful in our narrowing down our list of suspects."
"Oh really?"
"Yes really."
"Well...."
"Well what?"
"The clue you fool of a Took! What's the clue?"
"Oh yes, the clue," Pippin said, a bit embarrassed. "It seems a note was left behind where the replica ring was displayed. A dirty piece of paper with rather bad handwriting and poor grammar it was, saying 'The precious is mine!' That's all, I think...."
"Well isn't this just a fine kettle of fish. If your description is accurate, that clue narrows our list of suspects down to one...Gollum, a.k.a. Sméagol the Hobbit; which is rather disturbing as he is currently imprisoned in Isengard Penitentiary."
"He was...."
"What do you mean was...?"
"There's been a small S.N.A.F.U."
"S.N.A.F.U.?"
"You, see with all the funding difficulties and budget cuts we couldn't exactly afford decent guards for Isengard."
"Yes, I know that. Where is this conversation going?"
Pippin coughed. "Well, since you put Merry and I in charge of hiring them, we did our best to find the cheapest guards we could. Problem was, there was only one kind of guard we could afford to pay...Uruk-Hai that were once part of Saruman's army."
"WHAT???? You and Merry hired Uruk-Hai as guards???"
"That's not quite all...."
"There's more?" Gandalf felt his eye beginning to twitch.
"Well...the Uruk-Hai liked to have loud parties when they were off duty. This loud noise and general discord roused the ents and they sort of...destroyed Isengard...again...."
Gandalf let his head fall down, crash on his desk. "Why me...?" Then straightening himself up, he glared at Pippin. "And you were planning on telling me all this when....?"
"Never?"
"Oh nevermind...just get T.O.T.F. together and get down to that museum. I want the ring back in place A.S.A.P.! Or you're all FIRED!"
"Yes sir!" Pippin squeaked, firing off a quick salute before scurrying out the door.
Not a few moments later, the whole of T.O.T.F. was out on their M.E.P.D. horses, riding for the museum as fast as they could. After an uneventful journey, the dismounted and parked their steeds at the hitching post next door to the museum. The group trekked inside for a look around the crime scene, including an examination of the note that had been left behind.
"I don't quite get this whole business," Boromir said once they were assembled outside. "This is only a copy. It isn't like he took the real one."
"Yes, but you forget some very important points," Gimli said. "First, the replica of the one ring is still valuable...solid gold you know. Even has that special fire writing trick to it. Historically speaking, it's also quite valuable. It's the last piece of elven craft made before their departure from Middle Earth. Not to mention it's the center piece of our biggest tourist attraction."
"Your points are well taken Gimli. But that doesn't explain the popularity of that stupid attraction. I never understood the excitement of putting on a cheap replica of the ring that is fitted with a tiny holographic projector that makes all those illusions of those wraith kings and the eye of Sauron. Not a sight I'd want to see anyway."
"I'll second that," Frodo said. "I didn't even want to come on this investigation. I don't care if it is only a copy.... I had such a bad experience with the first ring I don't even want to see this replica."
"I don't blame you Mr. Frodo," Sam said. "That encounter with the one ring really wore your nerves to nothing. You haven't been quite the same yet and it isn't fair making you chase the ring all over creation."
"Hmm, yes...well, here he is so we'll just have to make the best of things," Aragorn said. "Though I am rather confused by the note."
"So am I," Frodo said. "It read 'The precious kitten is mine so leave her alone.'"
"Yeah...that isn't what you told us it said Pippin," said Boromir.
"Sorry...I couldn't remember all of it."
"It wasn't that long...."
"Hey!" Merry cried. "You'd not remember that bit if you knew you had to tell this to Gandalf. Besides, he's already feeling down in the dumps enough as it is, having to tell the chief about the Uruk-Hai and Isengard."
"Well, I will grant you that. Having to face the wrath of the chief isn't something I like to think about."
"None of us do," Aragorn said. "But back to the note.... The use of her and kitten trouble me. That doesn't sound like Gollum at all."
"Well who else could it be?" Frodo asked. "The only other person I know who's called the ring precious is Bilbo and he's in the Grey Havens Home for the Aged. Though I never did hear Gollum refer to it as her or kitten...."
"I was a bit surprised to find the ring had a gender myself," Boromir admitted. "But it fits it to be a her. Women cause all the conflicts in this world, I'm convinced of that."
"I don't know about that...," Sam said.
"I do," said Aragorn, being drawn off track . "I live with one and does she ever cause more then her share of problems. Why just last night I sat down to watch the football game and Arwen came along and took control of the remote, changing the TV to the Home Shopping Channel. Why the hell do we need a replica of Elendil's sword anyway?"
Suddenly, there came a loud "Eat dragon!" followed by the yells and jumps of Aragorn and Boromir as they got temporarily swallowed up by a sparkling dragon that crackled like lightening.
"DAMN YOU LEGOLAS!" screeched Boromir, trying to adjust his badly scorched hair once the smoke and light dissipated. "I specifically asked you if she was on duty today and you said NO!"
"Oops, my mistake...," the elf said.
"No, their mistake for making me even angrier then I already was," said the newcomer, a brown haired girl with green eyes. "Have you any idea how IRRITATING it is slapping parking tickets on Nazgul transports? I've only told the wraiths a million times that there's a 15 minute time limit on parking here for ANY mode of transportation, Nazgul beasts included. Next time I see one it's going to be towed and put in the impound lot."
Boromir laughed. "That's what you get for being demoted Makoto. Starting a fight with Gandalf of all people...."
"It wasn't a fight," she glared. "He was just mad that I beat him at a game of darts. Not my fault I have good aim. Anyway, it's not your business why I got demoted. You just want to rub my face in this misfortune because I beat you in last year's station arm wrestling contest championship."
"You didn't win, you cheated!" Boromir accused, pointing his finger at her.
"I did no such thing," she said, putting her hands on her hips.
"You did so. You got Legolas to stand behind you and make those ridiculous faces through our whole match. I don't call that fair."
"I didn't do anything of the sort."
"Oh, don't play innocent with me missy. As if you didn't know that seeing our prissy, uptight, pretty boy elf prince sticking his tongue out and making goggly eyed faces would make me laugh."
Makoto turned around. "You did that?"
"Well, yes...." Legolas looked rather sheepish. "But it wasn't entirely my fault. Pippin put me up to it."
"Pippin?" Boromir asked sternly. "What do you know about this business?"
"After a conference among us hobbits, we all agreed to it. A bit of fun; been much to serious lately...but also a way of saving our stomachs. Station food is horrible and well, Makoto is strong but not as strong as you...you might have broken her arm Boromir and then there'd be no cookies or pies or steaks or noodles or anything for two months at least! We decided we didn't want to sacrifice our cook so I made the proposition. $500 if Legolas would make faces at you over Makoto's head."
"And you took this bribe?" Boromir asked Legolas.
"I needed the money."
"Needed the money? Don't you have what they call inherited wealth?"
"Not quite. Father spent most of it trying to fix Mirkwood's bad reputation. That whole rebirth of Sauron in the woods sort of tarnished everybody's opinion of my homeland. And while there is obviously some left, I needed that $500 so I could get Mako's birthday gift. Elven forged mithril isn't cheap you know."
"ELVEN FORGED MITHRIL? Are you out of your mind? Nobody buys that for a birthday present. Why one ring of that would cost more then you'd make in a whole lifetime working at this job. Only reason for even remotely considering such an extravagance is...oh dear...you didn't...."
Makoto reached up to her neck, pulling out a chain from which a ring hung. "I said the chain needn't be mithril, but he insisted they had to match. I wouldn't have needed it at all, except you know the chief and his silly rules; no romantic relationships between anyone in the station. Just because he never fell in love doesn't mean all the rest of us have to be miserable too."
"Quite right," Sam said. "It's not fair is Miss Kino?"
"No, it really isn't," she sighed, tucking the chain back underneath her shirt. "Oh well...perhaps I should be on my way. If you're out and about, something big must be afoot. Wouldn't want to interrupt your work."
"We haven't done much anyway," Boromir shrugged.
"We would have done more if we hadn't kept getting of track," Aragorn said. "However, we really should be going now. Gandalf will have our heads if we can't tell him something about the ring."
"The ring?" Makoto asked.
"Somebody, who we believe to be Gollum, stole the replica of the one ring from the museum," Gimli informed her.
"If it's information you want, I might be able to help."