Unfairy Tale
By: Kelley
Rating: Uh...T? Or something...
Summary: Buffy is a princess who is bored with the life she was brought up in. So she decides to escape when it is time for her to choose a husband. Told in a fairy tale style...well, sort of.
Disclaimer: I haven't posted anything in awhile, and I've had this story sitting around for almost a year now. Well, really I've only written a small part of the story. If I get positive reviews, I'll post more. Not long from now I'll be moving, so I don't know how often I will be able to post. I'm bored and wanted to post something though. Hope you enjoy. If you don't like it however, please don't flame me. Just try to be nice about it, or I'll send all the kids in my class to your house for a whole day and force you to watch them for awhile. Just kidding. That would be unfortunate. Okay, I'm super tired, and I don't think I'm making a whole lot of sense, so I'm shutting up now.
Disclaimer the Second: Okay, fine, I don't own any of the characters. But if I had my way, Spike would be mine. But you all know that anyway. So, on with the story. Yay.
Once upon a time there was a princess. Most stories start out saying that the princess was beautiful, but everyone knows that in real life, not all princesses are, in fact, beautiful. Of course, that didn't matter in this case. This princess was highly attractive and the majority of the male species was fond of this golden-haired goddess. She was short, skinny, embraced personal hygiene, and really knew how to dress to impress. Her name was Princess Buffy.
Princess Buffy, daughter of Queen Joyce and King Hank, was unlike any other princess known. She did not act like a princess, and quite enjoyed the adventure and excitement that was associated with killing evil creatures and making merry with the more aesthetically pleasing pure bred royals.
Still, she grew bored with what was always in front of her perfectly tanned face. Royal boys were quite boring. Princess Buffy was not a slut by any means, but that does mean she refrained from the act of sexual intercourse with a few of the males she figured to be worthy of her presence.
This was probably a result of the princess' lack of a true father figure. Her real father, King Hank, left her mother for a young and beautiful upcoming actress who had sworn she would be out of the porn industry as soon as she made enough contacts in the fabulous land of Hollywood.
Queen Joyce was actually a wonderful mother to Buffy and the princess' younger sister, Dawn. Joyce doted on her wonderful children, never one to judge the choices her daughters made, no matter how much it went against royal policy. So the three elegant and beautiful women lived in near-perfect harmony. Their only problems were the fact they had bad luck in love. Poor Joyce attempted to find many a suitable man for her, but the single royal men either considered her too old, or they were already married and were concerned with extra-marital affairs of their cold, evil hearts. Joyce was not much for being the other woman as she had already been down that venue once in her life when she had finally discovered King Hank was cheating on her.
Princess Dawn was six years younger than Princess Buffy, and therefore looked up to her older sibling. Unfortunately, Buffy looked at Dawn as an annoyance rather than something cool and unique. Dawn longed to be favored by her sister, but refused to let her guard down. Instead, she mercilessly read her sister's diaries and teased her sister about the boys she found appealing. Truth be told, Dawn was desperate to know how she could get as many men attracted to her, especially ones so cute and sexy.
Dawn had been unfortunate enough one time to meet a wonderful and attractive boy who had seemed interested in her, but he had turned out to be a self-employed killer who was intent on teaching Dawn his ways of life. The boy's plan did not work as he'd hoped and he realized he'd have to kill Dawn because she had possessed such incriminating information about him, but just as he was about to end her existence a bolt of lightning fell from the sky and smacked into the top of his head.
Such was the way of three elegant and beautiful royal women, who occupied a rather large castle all on their own, save for the servants and such. Queen Joyce had allowed Buffy's personal mentor, Lord Professor Giles…or was it Professor Lord Giles to keep a room in the castle with them. The queen denied any attraction she allegedly felt for the Lord Professor…Lord…guy. She was a queen and had an image to uphold; even though Giles was an extremely attractive if not very intelligent male and would make a wonderful king in place of that rat she had once been bound to by the laws of what turned out to be unholy matrimony.
An interesting turn of events was about to occur for this unconventional fairy-tale family though, as Princess Buffy realized what she truly wanted in her not-so-magical fairy-tale life.
Princess Buffy stood in the large garden behind her castle home. The sun was in her eyes, and she fidgeted uncomfortably as Professor Giles tried to teach her the ways of an older royal person. She was now twenty-one years of age, and about time she began searching for a suitable mate she could marry.
"I got it. Wave, step, step, smile, wave, walk, walk, walk, wave, smile, carry on with my meaningless royal existence?"
Lord Giles removed his very expensive glasses from his nose and began wiping them clean even though they were the magical expensive type that never got dirty to begin with. "Buffy, I'm afraid you're taking your duties too lightly. Royal training is a very important part of a princess' life. Unfortunately, you have never seemed to be able to master the art of the royal wave, or the walk, or the smile…or the abstinence," he mumbled.
Lord knows that Cinderella never carried on like that, and she was not even a princess until Prince Charming decided to marry her. Queen Joyce had always hoped Buffy would marry Prince Charming, but he had been quite a bit older than her and sullied his family's name by marrying a mere peasant.
"Yeah, I got it. Not carrying out my royal duties like a good little princess. What more do you want from me, Giles?"
Professor Giles cleared his throat. "Dear, I admire your unique sense of self and your ability to know what you want, but as a princess, everyone wants to see a polite, prudish yet sexually appealing young lady."
Buffy daintily twirled her finger in the air. "Fake Buffy, check."
Her mentor just shook his head slowly, but with a hint of a grin. He adored the young princess almost like she was his own daughter, and therefore had trouble arguing with her stubborn way of living. She wasn't going to change and he accepted that. "Lesson over for the day. Go mingle with those you…mingle," he paused, "…with. I'll see you later."
The princess smiled before running back into the castle. More than anything she enjoyed spending time with her friends. They were good friends. True friends. Loyal friends.
"Hello, Buffy! The feather duster has been put to great use. Xander and I took great pleasure in caressing each other with it."
"Ahn! I'm sure Princess Buffy has no desire to hear anything at all about that. Remember, we don't mention private matters," Xander scolded his girlfriend.
Buffy smiled. Her friends were the servants that catered to her family's every whim.
Anya protested. "I'm sure that information would be of great value to the princess next time she makes merry with one of the many bachelors that strive for her attention."
The princess rolled her eyes. "I'll keep that in mind," she said with an amused smirk.
Anya beamed proudly. "See?" She stuck her tongue out at Xander.
"BUFFY!"
Princess Buffy cringed. "Go away!"
Princess Dawn pranced into the dining room where Buffy was speaking with her friends. "You have just received two telegraphs from Prince Angel and Prince Riley!" the younger sister squealed with excitement.
Princess Buffy sighed. "Great. Why can't they just call, or email, or drive over in their fast expensive cars?"
Anya shook her head. "No good, Buffy. You've already made merry with those two attractive males."
Princess Dawn's face filled with disgust. "Eww. And remember what happened when you made merry with Prince Angel?"
Princess Buffy snatched the telegraphs from her sister. "Go upstairs. Now."
The younger princess pouted. "I want to know what the telegraphs say…"
"NO!"
"Fine. I'll go upstairs. I'm pretty sure you've written more in your diary since last weekend."
"Fine then. I'll tell you what's on the telegraphs. But no touching!"
Dawn rolled her eyes but smirked, crossing her arms over her chest.
Buffy opened the telegraph from Prince Angel first.
My dearest Buffy. Stop. I am writing to inform you that I will be attending your family's masquerade ball. Stop. I was hoping you could do me the honor of one dance. Stop. I look forward to seeing you there. Stop. Yours, Stop. Prince Angel. Stop.
Dawn sighed dreamily. "Aww. That was beautiful."
"It was stilted. Isn't Angel that large and flowery fellow that went all Jack the Ripper after you had sexual intercourse with him?"
Xander jabbed Anya in the side. "Honey, once again, that is a subject we do not speak of in the presence of the princess."
"Everyone was cleared up from that horrible mess," Buffy pointed out. "Don't you remember? One of the ugly stepsisters grew jealous that Prince Angel shunned her and placed a curse upon his mind which told him to kill."
Xander blinked. "Ah yes. Only Captain Hair would get stuck with a curse like that. I think the real reason that ugly crone placed a curse on him was because he stole her favorite bottle of Dippity-Do hair gel."
Princess Dawn snorted at Xander's obvious dislike of Prince Angel. Then again, Princess Dawn had a rather large attraction to the family servant.
Princess Buffy ignored them as she opened the telegraph from Prince Riley.
My dearest Buffy. Stop. I look forward to basking in your presence at your family's masquerade ball. Stop. It would give me great pleasure if you would save just one dance for me. Stop. I am thrilled about the time I will get to spend with you. Stop. Sincerely, Stop. Prince Riley. Stop.
"Now there's a guy for you, Princess," Xander started. "He's strong, noble, and fights for his family's honor."
"Prince Angel possesses all those qualities as well," Buffy replied tartly.
"Yes, but sometimes those qualities get in the way of his brooding time, and he seems to just forget to be strong, noble, and family-oriented."
Princess Dawn beamed at Xander. Anya patted her boyfriend on the back.
Queen Joyce entered the room. "Buffy? I was hoping to have a word with you."
"Hello, your highness," Xander exclaimed brightly, bowing before the queen.
Queen Joyce smiled fondly at the young man. "How is everyone today?"
"Buffy got some telegraphs from Prince Angel and Prince Riley," Dawn quickly answered.
Princess Buffy glared at her younger sister. "Go away," she said through gritted teeth.
Xander and Anya took the opportunity to make themselves look busy in front of the queen while the two princesses squared off against one another.
"That's wonderful news. I suppose that is what I wish to speak with you on, dear."
"Mother," the older princess whined.
"Darling daughter, it is high time you choose a prince to marry. I feel that the masquerade ball is the perfect time for you to decide who you shall take as your groom."
"What? No!" Buffy protested.
"I think it's an excellent idea, mother," Princess Dawn said sweetly.
Princess Buffy gave her sister a threatening look then turned back to her mother. "Prince Charming already did that. Remember? Why should we steal their idea?"
"Well, look at how happy Prince Charming is with Cinderella."
"Fine, then I'll choose someone who is not of royal blood either," Buffy quipped.
"Now, Buffy. You surely understand the importance of marrying a prince?"
The princess shrugged. "Nope. Not really."
The queen exhaled slowly, not in the mood to put up with her daughter's stubbornness. "We will discuss the matter further later on then." Placing a kiss on her princesses' foreheads, she left the room.
"So, Buffster, what are you going to do?"
Princess Buffy glanced at Xander. "Absolutely nothing."
"The masquerade ball is very near, and the queen wishes you to choose a man to marry."
Buffy scoffed. "Xander, I am not concerned with the ball."
"Why not?" Anya asked.
Buffy grinned at her friends. "I can't choose if I'm not around to make the decision, now can I?"
Thus the wheels began spinning in Princess Buffy's head as she told Xander and Anya to find Willow and meet her later in the tallest tower of the castle.