Callie and Maggie shared a cab for the long drive back into the city from Richard and Catherine's reception.
"Why do people have affairs?" Maggie asked.
"Excuse me?"
Tonight had been a celebration of newlyweds and their commitment to each other, but it had also been a goodbye. A farewell to the Dream House.
Derek and Meredith's dream house. The house that was briefly Callie's home. It was her safe haven during one of the most painful periods of her life. Derek and Meredith had opened their home to her and Sofia. She wouldn't have made it through those first few painful weeks without them and their home. Despite it being a painful reminder of her lowest moment, and the fact that Derek's presence was everywhere, she was still sad to see the house go.
So they danced it out. They danced for the newlyweds, they danced for the house, they danced for family, and they danced for home.
"I'm asking how one person can willingly betray another person's trust by having an affair," Maggie clarified. "Because I don't get it."
"You are asking the wrong person, Maggie," Callie sighed and turned so she could better see the woman sitting next to her. "Where is this coming from?"
"I just found out my parents are getting divorced. My mom had a continuous affair for eleven years…"
"Ouch."
"That my dad was aware of," she shook her head, "the whole time."
"Double ouch."
"They stayed together for me," Maggie said. She studied Callie for a moment, then started, "Did you…," but though better of it, "never mind."
Callie smiled, "You can ask me anything."
"Did you and Arizona ever think about staying together for your daughter?"
"I did," Callie licked her lips, "At first, I think that was part of it. I loved her, and our family. I wanted us to work. It just… didn't."
"Why?"
A sardonic laugh escaped Callie's lips, "This ride isn't long enough for that story."
"That bad, huh?"
"No…" Callie's brows furrowed, "no… it's just, I don't know. Honestly. I wish I knew why we didn't work. I loved her so much, too much maybe… we suffocated each other. I couldn't breathe. The marriage was toxic. Despite the love, we couldn't make each other happy. We couldn't give what the other needed."
"I wonder if my dad felt suffocated all these years?" Maggie asked, her voice breaking. "Because of me."
Callie looked on with nothing but empathy for Maggie,"He obviously loves you very much."
"Yeah," Maggie tried to shake off the tears. "All I seem to be able to think about is that he's been suffering through an unhappy existence because of me. He stayed in a farce of a marriage, because he was protecting me. If I had known…" she trailed off.
"If you had known?" Callie prompted.
"I don't know that I'd have wanted him to do differently," Maggie wiped at the tears that had suddenly sprung to her eyes. "My life was perfect and amazing, and I don't know if I could have handled it being any other way. Is that selfish of me? Does that make me a horrible person?"
"Of course it doesn't," Callie reassured the crying woman. "It makes you human."
"Shouldn't I have known? If they were that unhappy, shouldn't I have sensed something?"
"Sometimes we can't see another person's pain, because we are too wrapped up in maintaining our own welfare. Keeping our own head above the water."
"They tried so hard to keep me happy, it never even entered my mind that they weren't."
"Sometimes love is so all-consuming, you sacrifice everything that makes you you to care for the other person. You get caught up and lost in them and you lose you in the process. And it's not their fault this happened, it's not yours either. Maybe we should have paid more attention to what was happening… I just wanted everything to be normal. I wanted us to be okay, but we weren't…" Callie drifted off. She looked out the window realizing they were on her street.
"Callie?" Maggie asked, pulling Callie out of her introspection. "Are you okay?"
"You can pullover here, on the right," Callie informed the driver. She turned to Maggie, "I'm fine, just tired. Are you okay?"
"I think I will be."
"You want to come in for some coffee?"
"Nah, I need to go home and have a good cry," Maggie tried to smile. "Thanks for letting me dump all this on you."
"Any time," Callie said, "I consider you a good friend. If you ever need to vent…"
"Thanks," Maggie replied. "Anytime you want to talk about… anything."
Callie nodded and paid the driver her share of the fare. She made her way up the front walk and waved the taxi off once her keys were in the front door.
The lights were low in the front room, and Callie heard water running in the kitchen. The sitter had obvious gotten Sofia to bed and was now doing dishes. Callie took off her heals and tread lightly toward the kitchen, she didn't want to startle the sitter, but she also didn't want to wake her sleeping daughter.
She rounded the corner to the kitchen and much to her surprise it wasn't Jen doing the dishes, it was Arizona.
"Arizona?"
The blonde jumped, almost dropping the cup she'd been rinsing in the sink. "Jesus, Callie, you scared the crap out of me!"
"What are you doing here? Where's Jen?"
"I paid her and sent her home."
"Okay…?"
"Okay?" Arizona smiled. "Oh… you want to know why?"
"Yeah."
"Because I was here. She didn't need to stay."
"Why are you here?" Callie asked, her eyes roamed Arizona's form. She was still wearing the black dress she'd worn to Richard and Catherine's wedding. "And why didn't you come to the reception?"
"I was with April, I think her and Jackson are splitting," Arizona said matter of factly while she dried her hands on the kitchen towel the hung from the oven handle.
"Oh my god, what happened?"
"She learned to walk without him. She left him behind. He didn't get his time to grieve, because he was too busy keeping it together so she could."
"Wait… I'm confused?"
"She wants to go back to Jordan, and he said he wouldn't be here when she got back," Arizona turned back to the cabinet and grabbed a wine glass. "Do you want some wine? Or tea maybe?"
Callie shook her head, still confused by her ex-wife's presence, "Yeah… I guess I'll have some tea. I had champagne at the party. I don't drink that much anymore. It gives me a headache."
"I didn't know that," Arizona smiled. "That makes me happy."
"Me not drinking makes you happy?"
"Learning something about the new you makes me happy."
Callie couldn't help the smile that crept onto her face, nor Arizona the one on hers. They stood there like that for a few moments just… looking at each other, neither wanting to move. Finally Arizona took a deep breath and moved to where they kept the tea. "What, uh… What kind do you drink now?"
"Wild apple and cinnamon is my current favorite," Callie said, she stepped toward the other woman. "But I can get my own."
Arizona held up her hand to stop Callie, "It's no trouble," she said. "I got it, why don't you have a seat."
"Okay, I'm just gonna.." Callie held up the heels she'd been holding since she walked through the front door, and pointed toward their former bedroom.
Arizona nodded and got to work fixing the tea. Even though she hadn't lived here for almost two years she still knew her way around.
Callie took her shoes to her bedroom and placed them in her closet. Before she left the room, though, she stopped at her mirror and stared at herself for a long few minutes. She didn't know why Arizona was here, but she was apparently both happy and nervous about it judging by her body's reaction. She took a few deep breaths and tried to control her heartbeat and the butterflies flitting about in her stomach. The whistle from the tea sounded from the kitchen, she knew she needed to get back out there. She smoothed her dress down and moved a few hairs back into place.
She stopped and looked in on Sofia. She was sound asleep and wrapped in her new favorite blanket— one that Arizona's parents had sent her for Christmas, and she'd slept with every night since, dragging it back and forth between here and Alex's house.
When she couldn't put it off anymore, Callie joined Arizona in the kitchen. She was sitting at the table with two steaming cups of tea. Callie sat at the table and waited expectantly. She still didn't understand why Arizona was here and she was determined to not jump to any conclusions or make any assumptions. She'd finally realized over the years since they'd been separated (with the help of some personal therapy) that Arizona would talk when she was ready, she couldn't force it, so she just sat there and waited.
Arizona took a sip of her tea and then sat the cup back on the table. She turned it so that the handle was just right, just how she liked it. She'd yet to look up from her cup.
Callie knew she was stalling, but still sat silent. This was Arizona's show and it would begin when Arizona was ready.
"I've never had this tea before," Arizona finally said. "It's good."
Callie just nodded, her resolve not to speak until Arizona had was wavering already, but she held strong. She kept her eyes on her ex-wife's face. She could see Arizona's wheels turning. She knew her enough to know there was something serious going on in Arizona's head.
God she was beautiful. Just siting here gazing at the other woman, Callie couldn't help but think how gorgeous her she was. And then her patience was rewarded when Arizona finally found her voice.
"When they lost Samuel, April was devastated. I mean of course she was, but she was broken. So, so broken. She lost her light, Callie."
Callie was surprised that Arizona was talking about April, but she didn't interject.
"It was a horrible trauma for her, it fundamentally changed who she was. It's why she went away last year. To learn to walk again. And she did, it was long, hard work, but she did it. She took that journey by herself, to save herself, but in doing so she left Jackson behind. She was so consumed with her own pain, that she didn't see his. She left him to deal with his pain alone…" Arizona's voice quaked, she finally looks up and into Callie's eyes, "because to her he was so strong, so strong he could handle it, and she felt weak. So she went and found her light, she made herself strong again, but she let his dim. Instead of sharing her pain with the one person who understood, who could help and protect her, she shut him out. Now she sees how she could have done things differently, how they could have survived this trauma together, and she wants to try again, but maybe it's too late. Maybe she needs to let him move on and find his light again. Maybe that's the best for them, to go their separate ways so they can each be the best version of themselves, so that somewhere down the road maybe they can find each other again. Maybe their separate journeys will lead them back to each other."
Callie wasn't dumb, she knew this wasn't about April and Jackson anymore and it made her heart beat harder in her chest.
"Arizona," she breathed.
"You got your light back, Callie," Arizona dropped all pretense that this was about the other couple. "I can see it… and it makes me so, so happy. But I am also…. so torn up about it. I… I want you to have everything you ever wanted. Everything I failed to give you. But I'm… I'm scared to death someone else will finally see your light. See the beautiful amazing person that you are, because you are and you deserve someone who will nurture your light."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying… don't get into it."
"Wait," Callie was confused again. "What?"
"Don't get into that hot, hot boss intern," Arizona said. "Or anyone else, because…"
Callie interrupted the other woman, despite her best-laid plans not to, "I'm not interested in hot, hot boss intern…"
"Callie," Arizona warned.
"Okay, I'm sorry," Callie cringed at her lapse. "Please, continue."
"I've lived in a constant state of torment for the past year waiting for you to…" she stopped, not sure she was making her point, "I've been waiting, afraid you would find someone else to love. And.. and I was prepared to let that happen, because you deserve happiness. We both do. But, now… Now, I believe your light was meant for me, and mine for you." She reached over and grabbed Callie's hand. "Right or wrong I took that journey by myself, I got so lost for so long. I should have allowed you to take that journey with me, but I didn't… and I royally fucked it up. A couple times. But I'm good now and so are you. You took your own journey and found yourself again. I can see it."
"What if the only reason we are good now is because we are apart? What if we can't be good together?"
"Do you honestly believe that?" Arizona asked. "That forever, for the rest of your life you'd be happy with us as… nothing more than friends? Coparents? Smiling politely at new significant others?"
Callie instinctively recoiled at the though of Arizona in a relationship with another person, but she wasn't ready to give in just yet. "We're so different now. Different people. We hardly know each other anymore."
"You know a good way to get to know each other again?" Arizona smiled, her eyebrows raised, "Dinner."
"Like a date?" Callie asked.
"Exactly like a date."
Callie didn't respond. She wanted to shout yes, yes, yes, but something stopped her.
"You just, think about it okay?" Arizona stood from her spot at the table. She'd laid her cards on the table, now it was Callie's turn to make the next play. "Get back to me when you've thought everything through."
Callie nodded again, her brain too overwhelmed to allow her to respond.
"I'm going to go use the bathroom, then kiss our girl. Then um, go home, uh… back to Alex's house. You just let me know, okay? You don't have to answer now."
Callie sat there, her hot tea long cold, while Arizona kissed their daughter goodnight. Her brain was in overdrive, thinking about everything that Arizona had said. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do, she knew she still loved Arizona, was still in love with Arizona. She always would be. She's always known that, and she'd been prepared to live with that, because she didn't think Arizona loved her back. Not like she used to. Not like before. But apparently she did and that thought caused the butterflies to return in force. Callie wanted so badly to trust that love.
"Hey," Arizona said from the kitchen doorway, "I'm going."
"Okay," Callie said, she got up and followed her ex to the front door.
Arizona grabbed her bag and keys that were sitting on the stand by the front door, which Callie had failed to see earlier. She'd failed to see a lot of things lately, including the fact that Arizona had been waiting for her.
Arizona paused at the threshold, she bit her lip and forced herself to remain confident and hopeful, "Will I be hearing from you soon?"
Callie, feeling a little brave herself, leaned and softly kissed the other woman, "I think you'll know."