I Want It All And I Don't Care How
Author: Mortheza
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Inuyasha characters used in my story, I'm just borrowing them and making a Valentine's Day one shot.
Summary: It's Valentine's Day and Jakotsu is depressed. He has feelings for Bankotsu, but is too scared to tell him about them. By keeping everything inside, he keeps hurting himself more and more, and the breaking point isn't far away. Does he reach the point or will he be saved? Jakotsu x Bankotsu, shounen ai
Author's note: Thisone shot takes it place before the Shichinintai were killed for the first time.Since Valentine's Day is such a special day for lovers and those who want to be loved, I decided to make a one shot about it. This story contains swearing, perhaps even some violence and shounen ai, so it's rated T. If you don't like shounen ai, I suggest you go away right about... Now. Thank you. Constructive criticism is more than welcome, but please consider the fact that I am finnish and my native language isn't english, so I already apologize the grammar mistakes. Thank you. If I now may start my story...
'He loves me, he loves me not... He loves me... He loves me not...' The petals of an oxeye daisy fell to the ground, one by one. Finally there was no petals left. 'He loves me not.'
I sighed. Of course he didn't love me. We might be friends, we might be comrades, he might trust me the most, but that's it. There's nothing more. Yes, it's Valentine's Day, again. The most depressing time of the year for me.
Like every other year, I left the group early in the morning and I would return when they all were already asleep. And like the other years, this year, again, oo-aniki asked where am I going. Of course, I didn't tell. Like always, he got pissed off at me and left. Why do we always have to fight over the same thing on this particular day? Why!
...Flashback...
"Jakotsu, where are you going?" Bankotsu asked.
"Somewhere." That was my vague answer. I always used it, and I knew where it was going to lead.
"Can't you be more exact?"
"No", I replied, already walking away. It wasn't long when I heard footsteps behind me. He was following me, again, like he always did, and I had to get rid of him.
"Oi, Jakotsu!" he shouted.
I shivered a bit when I heard the tone of his voice, so I stopped and looked over my shoulder. Yep, he was pissed off, again. "What?" I asked.
"I asked you a question and I want an answer to it!"
"I already answered, oo-aniki."
"And after that I told you to be more exact! You weren't! For crying out loud I am the leader of this group, when I ask something or tell to do something, I expect it's getting done!" Bankotsu shouted, standing a feet away from me.
"But oo-aniki-"
"No buts, Jakotsu! Just tell me where the hell are you going!"
"Just... Somewhere. Please, oo-aniki, I want to be alone if you don't mind-"
"Well I do mind! Why the hell are you always running away from the group on this same day? It happens every freaking year! What the hell is so special about this day!"
"It's Valentine's Day, oo-aniki", I muttered.
"Valentine's Day? Oh for the love of Kami and all the other holy things, we're mercenaries! We don't have time for that nonsense! At the moment you should be practising!" Bankotsu yelled.
"You don't understand-" And again, I was cut off by Bankotsu's yelling.
"Did you listen to a word I said? We don't have any time for it! Now if you don't mind dragging your ass back there and do some practising!"
"No!" I was surprised. I never had said anything against oo-aniki. Never and anything. Well, I guess there is always the first time for everything. I looked at Bankotsu and for the first time in my life, I was scared. He had never looked so pissed. Never.
"Do you mind repeating it?" he asked quietly, so quietly that it scared me even more.
"I said no!" I said, raising my voice with every word.
"Fine. Don't even dream about coming into my sight before you apologize." With that, he left.
I just stood there in shock. Had I just disobeyed oo-aniki's orders? I think I had. Kami, have some mercy on me when I return to the camp, please!
…End of flashback…
The fight had been worse this year. He has never left so suddenly. But one thing I said, was right. He really didn't understand. It's my life, there must be something I can with it without asking from oo-aniki first.
My fingers kept playing with the left sleeve of my yukata. It was afternoon, the fight had taken its place in the morning. I felt something dropping on my yukata and I turned my gaze down. There was a tiny spot, darker shade of violet than the rest of my yukata. 'A... Tear?'
My eyes widened as I reached to touch my cheek. There was a small wet trail, going down. Definitely, it had been a tear. I haven't cried in a long time. Not since I was a kid.
Another dark spot appeared on my yukata. I was clearly crying, though I didn't look like it, for few seconds, that is.
I bit my lower lip, trying to stop the tears. No use. Guess it's now my time to cry everything out. Every word that hurt me, every action that hurt, all that hurts, it was coming out now. Seems like the fight I had earlier today was something I couldn't take.
Few hours later, there weren't any tears left. My eyes were red and puffy from all the crying and I laughed a bit. I must look so horrible now. Thank Kami I'm all alone. The last thing I want at the moment is that someone shows up from the group and starts asking stupid questions. Such as 'why are you crying?' and 'is everything okay?', well, it's pretty obvious that everything isn't okay! Actually, nothing's been okay for a long time!
Was it because of the feelings I held for oo-aniki? There isn't anything so that must be it. He hasn't noticed the way I look at him, not once. He looks at me like his best friend, but... But that isn't enough for me.
Every time I see him with a filth, onna, I feel a sting in my heart. The sting is called jealousy and hurt. Probably more hurt than jealousy. At the same time it was me who he would wrap his arms around. But that's a ridiculous wish and I know it.
If people knew about this, about why I'm all alone during the Valentine's Day, they'd be amazed. Well, I can't just sit around in the camp, or practise. I can't stand to see oo-aniki. I just can't.
I know I should tell him how I feel about him, but I'm afraid it'll ruin everything, even our friendship. I can't afford that. Oo-aniki has accepted me the way I am, no one ever has besides him, at least not fully. And if I now tell him about this feeling, it'd be the end of everything.
And yet a part of my mind keeps nagging about how I should tell him about how I feel, not just stand around keeping my mouth shut.
"Why does everything have to be so hard? Why?" I hear myself whispering.
Exactly. Everything is always hard to me. Every little thing. And since it's Valentine's Day, it's getting even harder.
"Jakotsu..?"
My eyes grew wide and I slowly turn around. "Oo-aniki? What are you doing here?"
"I guess I was a bit too harsh on you earlier tod- Hey, have you been crying?" Bankotsu asked when he noticed my tear streamed face.
"No", I replied and turned my face away.
"Don't lie to me Jakotsu. You've been crying, I can see it. Why?"
'Bankotsu, oo-aniki, no. I wish you didn't ask that question. If I answer you, telling the truth, everything could be over. Everything.'
"Oh, it's nothing", I said and forced a little smile on my face.
"I already told you to stop lying, it's getting you nowhere and you know that. I know you too well Jakotsu, so you might as well tell me the truth. Is it about something I said earlier?"
I sighed. "Yes, about that, too..."
"Too? Are you saying there's something else?" Bankotsu questioned.
"There is, but you don't need to know, really, I'm fine now, don't worry", I said.
"C'mon Jakotsu, we're best friends, you can tell me, really. You can tell me anything", Bankotsu said as he sat down next to me. Too close next to me, to be exact.
"I know, oo-aniki, but..."
"But what?"
"Nothing. Really, forget it, I'm fine, really." I felt really horrible about lying to Bankotsu. I've never lied to him before, either.
"Then look into my eyes and tell me you're fine, convince me", he said after a short pause.
'Look him into eyes? No!'
I kept staring at the grass below my feet. I wanted to look him into eyes, those blue eyes, but then I would be at his mercy, any question asked, would get the truthful answer.
"Jakotsu?"
"What?"
"Something is bugging you, I can tell it by the way you act. And I can also tell it has something to do with me. So spit it out."
I shook my head no. I'm too scared. I don't want to lose him.
"Why not?"
"Because."
"It's not like you're going to lose me by telling the truth", Bankotsu smiled.
'Wrong, Bankotsu, you're so wrong. I could lose you by telling the truth. I could lose you forever and it's not something I want. I don't want to lose you, so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. I can make it.'
"Yes, it's like that", I muttered.
"It can't be something that bad, now can it? C'mon, we're friends, and friends can tell each other anything and I mean anything, without losing another."
"But this.. This is something different."
"How different?"
"Very. Now please, stop asking questions."
But my pleas were ignored. He didn't stop asking those questions, it seemed like he got even more curious about what was bothering me.
"When I say anything, I mean it. You can tell me anything Jakotsu." I felt how he kept eyeing me all time.
"Oo-aniki please!" I cried out, sounding very desperate. I turned to look at him. "This is something I can't tell to you, you have to understand it, please! I can't, I just... I can't, okay?"
Bankotsu blinked few times at my outburst, before he regained his voice back. "And why? Tell me a good reason why you can't tell me what's bothering you."
"Because whatever I say, it might ruin our friendship", I whispered sadly.
"Nothing can ruin it Jakotsu, nothing. Ever. Even if you told me that you have a crush on me-" I winced and Bankotsu noticed it.
"Jakotsu..?" His voice was quiet.
"Please go. I want to be alone." Tears were burning my eyes and I had thought there weren't any left. Obviously I was wrong. I kept blinking and blinking, I was not going to cry before oo-aniki.
"Jakotsu." His voice was now demanding.
"What?"
"That's it, isn't it?" Bankotsu asked quietly.
"What?" I asked again.
"You winced when I said that it wouldn't matter even if you told that you have a crush on me."
"So?"
"That's it. You have a crush on me, am I right?" Bankotsu asked.
'This must be a nightmare. Soon I'll wake up from it. If I now tell Bankotsu the truth, I might lose him forever. Or.. The possibility of gaining happiness is very small. So small you can't even see it. I guess that I'll have to lie... Again.'
"Yes."
'No! I wasn't supposed to say that! No, no, NO! NO!' I screamed in my mind. I was supposed to say no, but what happened? I said the total opposite. Now everything is going to be ruined, I know it, I'm sure of it...
"How bad is it?"
I blinked. He wasn't leaving? He wasn't silent? "W-well... You can say it's the worst it can get", I said slowly, trying not to stutter.
"And why haven't you said anything about it earlier?"
"I was... I was afraid. That I would lose you. Because I know you're not that type of guy, you're not like me so I've tried to forget it but nothing helps! Nothing! It's you I think about all the day, every single day! And I can't do anything about it!"
I let out a small sob. Oh great, now I'm crying in front of him. Is this embarrassing or what? Another sob follows.
"Jakotsu... Hey, don't cry, please", Bankotsu said, wiping away my tears.
"Well now you know", I managed to say between sobs.
"Yeah, I do, and I'm happy I do."
My sobbing stopped and I looked at him. What was he saying? Was he happy? Is he out of his mind? I know he's as straight as a guy can get and he's... This is all too confusing.
"Y-you're what?" I asked.
"You heard me. Because..." Bankotsu looked thoughtful. He was probably going to say something important, like telling me to leave him alone or something...
"Because..?"
"Because now I know the feeling isn't one sided."
My heart was racing. One sided? Did he mean that...
"Do you mean that you..." I pointed at him.
"That I like you more than a friend? That I see you as more than a friend? Yes."
"Oo-aniki", I whispered, smiling a bit.
"In private, you don't have to call me that", he smiled. "Come here."
I had no other choice than sit down on his lap and the moment I did, it felt right. This was where I belonged. I buried my face in his chest, smiling happily as he wrapped his arms around me protectively.
"Then what will I call you in private?" I asked.
"Anything you want to."
"Anything?" I asked.
"Anything", he said with reassuring smile.
"How about Bankotsu-kun?"
"If that's what you want."
"Yes, that's what I want", I whispered before closing my eyes.
Well, that's my Valentine's Day special one shot. Send me reviews! Constructive criticism is still welcome! Mortheza