And the only solution was to stand and fight.
And my body was bruised and I was set alight.
But you came over me like some holy rite.
And although I was burning, you're the only light.
Only if for a night.
- "Only If For A Night," Florence and the Machine.
Johanna had spent the last two weeks as Katniss's roommate in their compartment in 13. After three full years of living alone it was difficult to adjust to sharing a living space again, never mind a living space with another victor. Their nights when they sleep, if they sleep, are so plagued with nightmares every morning seems a miracle that either of them can move. She'd woken up enough times in her plush cabin in 7 dripping in sweat, "Mom" and "Dad" a ghost on her lips, only to find herself alone. It was one of the many reasons she began sleeping around - to not be alone in the dark hours of early morning.
Johanna would never admit it, but she liked Katniss's company.
Katniss thought it would be harder to live so closely with Johanna, like the old tale of the boy stuck on the boat with the tiger. Whether it was because of Johanna's attitude or Katniss's own conditioning she had assumed the living situation would be rife with tension. It wasn't. Johanna was herself - caustic and rude - but she was also oddly encouraging and near comforting at times. They didn't talk about Peeta or Snow. Johanna didn't talk about her torture or the Games. They touched on safe topics: training, propos, the terrible food, the wedding of Finnick and Annie. Rapport with her was easy, easier than it had ever been between them. Allies Katniss had thought. They were finally actually allies.
They were almost friends. They were friends.
A new development was the feeling of Johanna's warm and bony form curled into her body at night. The first time she had woken up in a panic and swatted Johanna away violently. But Johanna was calm and held her hands down to the bed. It was a far cry from the soft, strong embrace of Peeta on the train which was meant to protect. Johanna had straddled her thigh and held her hands down against the pillow. Johanna's eyes were black as coal in the darkness, her voice soft and high as she leaned into her ear. "It's just me brainless. Relax."
Somehow that was relaxing. Johanna's arms, becoming fuller and stronger by the day, would wrap around her stomach and hold her tightly. Like many things between them, it was unspoken. Johanna still teased her at lunch and made light of her torture that made Katniss's stomach twinge. No matter how hard training went and how close to breaking down Johanna looked, they'd settle into Katniss's bed at night and hold each other through nightmares. It felt so different from Peeta and yet, still made her feel safe.
Johanna had nightmares too but Katniss learned quickly that Johanna didn't want to be reassured when she awoke. One time she had tried and Johanna had swore at her and left the bed. "I don't need your fucking pity." She wasn't used to having someone near so the thought of someone's arms or voice being consoling did not mollify her. Katniss had gotten into the habit of just whispering complete nonsense into Johanna's ear or humming an old tune from home. Both made Johanna's breathing finally even out and eventually drift back into sleep.
One night Katniss's dreams were harsher than normal. The violence was more heightened. They had been steadily getting worse despite Johanna's near constant cuddling and she felt guilty for keeping Johanna awake each night, though the raven-haired girl never once complained. Instead she just became better at calming her down faster. One of the unfortunate ironies of the arena: sleep is hard to come by but falling asleep anywhere becomes a readily available skill. It only takes Johanna a few minutes to bring Katniss out of her hazy world of nightmares and back to reality, and then only about thirty seconds to fall back asleep.
She awoke with a shake that made Johanna grip her tighter. Her breathing came out in short gasps as Johanna whispered in her ear, her voice rising until she was speaking out loud. "Hey, hey, it's me, it's okay. Nobody is gonna hurt you." Katniss rolled onto her back and looked up at Johanna with confused gray eyes. "Nobody can hurt you or your sister or Peeta or anyone, okay? Just relax." Johanna propped herself up on her elbow and looked down at Katniss. "They're getting worse," Johanna whispered, moving hair from Katniss's face. These intimate gestures would have been unheard of only a few weeks ago, now they were commonplace.
"I'm sorry."
Johanna sighed and nodded her head. "It's because you're stressed. My head doctor isn't right about much but he tells me that I should do things that relieve my stress. Keep my mind off, at least for a while, the fucked up shit that's going on." Johanna looked into the darkness of the room and scoffed. "Like fuck, you've just been through two Games in two years. Your entire district has been leveled by bombs. Your boyfriend -"
"He's not my boyfriend."
Johanna continued, unperturbed. "- is tortured in the Capitol because of you. And now they expect you to play dress up and lead a rebellion?" Katniss smiled at Johanna's irateness at her situation. "It's just too fucking much."
Katniss breathed out a long sigh and focused her eyes on Johanna. Her short hair formed messy, soft, curled peaks all over her head. Stripped of her abrasive attitude she looked younger, softer, more accessible. Her brown eyes, when lacking their normal narrowed suspicion of everyone, were actually quite earnest. "What does he suggest for you?"
Johanna shrugged her bony shoulders and averted her eyes to the thin standard issue blanket that draped over them both. "Everyone is different. I mean I..." Katniss raised her eyebrow. She had rarely if ever seen Johanna look nervous. She could almost see the gears churning in her mind. "I'm gonna do something and if you want me to stop you just say so. Okay?"
Katniss knitted her eyebrows in confusion as she watched different emotions play across Johanna's face. Her teeth tugged her bottom lip briefly before her tongue emerged to swab along both of her thin lips. With a gentleness Katniss had never seen Johanna use she leaned down and pressed their lips together. Katniss's eyes flew open at the unexpected contact, staring at Johanna's closed eyelids that were squeezed shut in pure concentration like the way Johanna tackled running in the rain. Her lips moved very slowly against Katniss's immobile ones, pressing with a quiet need. Katniss didn't know how to identify her emotions but something felt familiar. That same warm hunger that had settled in her stomach on the beach in the Quell with Peeta's lips on hers. After a few seconds Johanna pulled away and her eyes blinked open, seeing how wide Katniss's eyes were.
Katniss was too stunned to speak as she watched unfamiliar insecurity flood Johanna's forest brown eyes. Vulnerability wasn't something Johanna ever seemed to advertise about herself but it was as clear as water as Katniss looked up at her. Her desire was to erase that look from Johanna's eyes. Someone who carried herself with the strength of the oak trees from which she came didn't deserve to look so broken.
Why was she so attracted to pain?
She reached up and pushed her fingers along the line of Johanna's jaw, smiling as Johanna leaned into the contact. Now this, this Johanna was completely new. This soft girl with insecurity in her eyes. "Johanna..." It wasn't a warning. She was breathing out her name to try and make this moment feel more real. This was how Johanna was going to relax her. The thought of her and her hands and her lips on her body didn't seem like it was going to be relaxing; quite the opposite, Katniss felt like it was going to stimulate her every nerve.
"You don't have to do anything," Johanna explained in a soft tone, brushing hair from Katniss's face again. There was a tenderness to her that Katniss had never seen - far removed from the girl who had threatened to "rip her throat out" on the beach in the arena. "We don't have to do anything. I just think that maybe... maybe this could help."
Katniss was nervous. She had never done anything anywhere near this with anyone, let alone another woman. It was comforting to see that Johanna was nervous, too. Probably not due to lack of experience but something else entirely. Katniss wasn't sure what, and she wasn't going to ask. One thing she had learned with Johanna was sometimes less words worked better. Johanna responded to action.
She pulled her down in a kiss that made the older girl draw a sharp breath. But it didn't take her long to respond hungrily, kissing Katniss as though she was trying to pull Katniss's very soul from within her. Johanna's hands ran through her hair as she slowly dragged her tongue along Katniss's bottom lip, requesting permission. Katniss opened her mouth and tasted the hint of mint on Johanna's tongue as it gently massaged her own.
Her only other kisses - Gale and Peeta - they had been small flames that flared up with intensity then quieted down immediately. Johanna's were different, as if every movement toward her was trying to tell her something. That she desired her, that she wanted her, that she was safe in her arms. It was meaningful and slow. And she was good. Not that Katniss had a whole lot to compare it to but there was just enough tongue and just enough air between them and it felt wonderful and right and frightening.
That familiar stirring in her stomach began as she wrapped one hand around the back of Johanna's neck and the other curled around her bicep. Johanna moved so she was laying on top of Katniss, held up by her arms. Johanna tried to keep her breathing even and steady but the overwhelming desire threatened to crash on her senses. This wasn't about getting something she had dreamed of; though she had dreamt of this moment an embarrassingly large amount of times. This was about helping Katniss in the only way she knew how. She couldn't speak pretty words like Peeta, or use the familiar comfort of home that Gale provided. She could only try and relieve her tension physically.
Her hand moved slowly up Katniss's shirt, feeling the younger girl writhe and flex beneath her light touches. She smiled into the kiss as her hand hit the soft roundness of the bottom of Katniss's breast. Her eyes flicked open and pulled away only a hair's breadth from Katniss to silently seek permission. Katniss pushed their lips back together and wriggled to try and get Johanna's hand to move further.
Katniss became aware of nothing but how she felt physically. The sweat beginning on her face and neck, the smoothness of Johanna's skin beneath her fingertips, the rapid beating of her heart, the pulling sensation between her thighs, the slickness of Johanna's tongue running down her neck. In her delirious state she had barely noticed Johanna unbutton her shirt until the older girl grunted in an attempt to get her to sit up so she could remove it. Johanna's knees dug into the sides of the bed as Katniss sat up and kissed her harder as her shirt was tugged off.
Their eyes locked just for a moment, and Johanna felt her heart clench so hard she nearly lost her breath. The gray eyes she had seen alert with fear, sleepy from fatigue, alight with happiness were now cloudy with desire. Desire for her. She was feeling Katniss Everdeen. She was the reason her lips were swollen and her breathing was ragged. Gently she brought Katniss down so her back lay flat on the mattress. Her lips sought every inch of olive-toned skin with renewed vigor. If they only had this one night, then she was going to remember every single fleeting second.
For the first time in months Katniss thought of nothing. Not Peeta, not being the Mockingjay, not her family. Everything began and ended with Johanna's mouth and teeth and fingers and her muscles pushing against her body. She didn't feel scared or guilty; she felt hot and extremely turned on.
Her elbows slid underneath her as she watched Johanna wrap her lips around her nipple and probe it gingerly with her tongue. Johanna's eyes seemed to look at her body reverently as she placed open-mouthed kisses along her rib cage. Katniss was reminded of the small pockets of religious folks in 12, how they would kneel and pray before their idols. Johanna was making every touch and kiss feel like she was performing some sort of holy rite. It was sexy as hell and made Katniss roll her hips upward in what felt like an intrinsic need for more contact. A primal need. Johanna seemed to have that effect on her. Made her get in touch with her baser instincts.
Johanna moved back upward and took Katniss's lips in a gentle but deep kiss. "Relax, Everdeen," she drawled in a low tone that did nothing to alleviate the pulsing between Katniss's legs. "I'll take care of you." The blanket draped over Johanna's shoulders as she moved back into her stomach and slid her hands beneath Katniss's torso. She manipulated Katniss back muscles with strong fingers, somehow both soothing her muscles and igniting her libido.
Her fingers traced beneath the waistband of her cotton pants, massaging her backside as she slowly pulled her pants down. Her lips followed the trail of material, kissing the tops and sides of her thighs before discarding her pants to the side of the bed. Katniss was naked. Katniss Everdeen, victor of the 74th Hunger Games, leader of the rebellion, star of Johanna's own ridiculous sexual fantasies, Mockingjay, all-around most important person in Panem was writhing on her bed, waiting for Johanna's touch.
So she took her time. In spite of her performance in the elevator, Katniss had always held the power in their relationship. She was the one Johanna had to protect with her life, she was the one who carried the rebellion on her shoulders, she was the one torn between masculine lovers who both adored her. But right now, she was a naked, sweating, squirming mess of nerves and desire gasping at every touch and whimpering as Johanna continued to ignore what she wanted. She was sure Katniss couldn't even name what she wanted Johanna to do but she knew she wanted it. Her lips kissed the side of Katniss's knee, taking a small bite of the skin there and culling another whimper from her younger lover. She moved to the other leg and repeated the action, watching Katniss's hips rise and fall futilely.
She laced wet kisses along her inner thighs, getting steadily closer to Katniss's center. Her fingernails gripped Katniss's thighs as she bit and kissed the tender flesh until finally placing her hands underneath Katniss's backside and in an agonizingly slow movement dipped her tongue inside the other girl. She heard her gasp loudly and the scrape of Katniss's nails against the cement wall behind them. Johanna grinned and deliberately moved her tongue upward then veered to the right to avoid the bundle of nerves that was begging for her touch.
Katniss thought she was going to explode. Johanna was tracing her most intimate areas with her tongue as her fingers dug inside the flesh of her ass and it was driving her insane. She replicated her movement and moved from the pooling of wetness in Katniss's folds upward toward her clit, avoiding it again as she lapped at her. Surely Katniss thought she would ignite from all the heat. Finally, mercifully, Johanna's tongue flattened out against her nerves and she let out a loud sigh in relief.
Johanna was achingly slow. Her tongue, which Katniss was sure she had never felt anything so soft and strong, moved in and out of her at a snail's pace. It felt incredible. When she finally managed to open her eyes she saw Johanna staring up at her, which shot a thrill directly to where Johanna was. Katniss didn't think it was possible to look at someone with such a perfect combination of desire and tenderness. However there it was in those wide brown eyes: wanton need and gentle care. The warm feeling in her stomach began to feel like it was going to erupt.
It was as if Johanna could tell - maybe she could, Katniss had no idea - and she wrapped her lips around her clit and sucked on it in soft movements. Her head pushed into the pillow and her hands gripped the bedsheets as the building crescendo of desire began to move through her entire body. One of Johanna's hands came up and held her own, entwining their fingers as the sucking inside her got more furious and faster.
And then suddenly, release. Actual, physical, mind-blowing release. Her hips bucked against her own thoughts and Johanna's name breathed out from her lips as Johanna's tongue stroked her clit with care as she brought her down from orgasm. Her legs began to shake like she had been running too hard and Johanna kissed them too, her hand never leaving Katniss's. Her entire body felt warm and relaxed. All of her hairs were standing on end but she had never in her life felt so calm. She watched Johanna lift herself up and wipe her mouth on the inside of her shirt in a move that for a reason Katniss did not know, made her perversely turned on.
Johanna settled next to her in the same way she always did when they slept together. But this time she traced Katniss's exposed skin with her fingertips and placed small kisses on her shoulder. Katniss could feel Johanna's muscles twitching like they were short-circuiting electrical pulses. It suddenly occurred to her that Johanna was probably needing release as well. Katniss rolled on to her side which forced Johanna on to her back and she looked down at her.
As if she could read her mind, Johanna smirked. "You don't need to do anything. I told you. I thought I could help you relax. You don't owe me anything."
Katniss smiled at her and this time it was she that moved hair from Johanna's face; a few curls that managed to grow long enough to fold over her forehead. "And if I want to?"
Johanna raised an eyebrow. "I wouldn't stop you." Emboldened Katniss leaned down and kissed Johanna passionately. Her teeth scraped against her lips as she tasted herself on Johanna's tongue and felt a strange combination of turned on and grossed out. But her desire for the woman beneath her overcame that feeling and she moved her hand beneath the waist of Johanna's pants to find Johanna soaking wet at her touch.
Katniss groaned into the kiss as her fingers slid against her slick folds. She didn't know what she was doing but by Johanna's tiny intakes of breath she knew she was doing something pleasurable. Johanna's hand came to rest on hers and she put her index finger and middle finger above Katniss's and pushed them inside her. Now it was Katniss's turn to gasp as she felt the warm of Johanna's walls clenching around her fingers.
"Oh...wow," she breathed out as she moved her fingers in and out of Johanna's center, feeling the girl push her hips against her in perfect rhythm. Her lips moved to Johanna's neck as she kissed her softly and continued to push inside the other girl. This felt almost better than before. Johanna's worried expression was completely gone, replaced with an 'o' shaped mouth of perfectly pink lips and eyes fluttered in pleasure.
God, she was so warm and tight against her fingers that Katniss closed her own eyes and focused entirely on the action of fucking Johanna. Not really fucking, though. This felt much deeper than two friends getting each other off. She wanted Johanna to release her worries, too. To show her that she cared about the other girl. That she was sorry for what happened to her. That for reasons outside of her grasp, she wanted her badly.
She saw Johanna's fingers go to the top of her folds and rub her clit in slow movements as Katniss curled her fingers against her walls. Johanna's hand shot up from the side of the bed and wrapped in Katniss's hair, tugging on it rather painfully. Then she was treated to two sensations she would never forget: the feeling of Johanna's walls pulsing and clenching tightly in orgasm against her fingers, the wetness soaking her hand; and the sound of her name as Johanna's groaned it lowly almost directly into her ear.
Johanna's head thumped against the mattress, missing the pillow, as she blinked rapidly. Katniss tried to, as unobtrusively as possible, wipe her hand on the bedsheet. She snuggled into Johanna's side and wrapped her arm around her waist. She thought she'd feel cold, still with no clothes on, but she was inescapably warm.
If she was the girl on fire, Johanna was the spark.
Johanna's breathing slowed down considerably as they moved back into their normal positions; Johanna behind Katniss, holding her around her middle with her lips pressed to her neck. She pulled the blankets up around them and they settled into each other and began to fall asleep. "Is this going to be weird now?" Johanna whispered, and Katniss could feel her eyelashes fluttering against her neck.
"Between us?" Katniss questioned and she felt Johanna nod. "Why? Is it weird for you?"
"No," she began, "but I'm not the one with the hometown honey and the boyfriend who thinks I'm a mutt." Katniss sighed. She must have tensed up without knowing because Johanna began to move away from her. Katniss grabbed Johanna by the wrist and wrapped her around her stomach tightly.
"Where are you going?"
"If you don't want me to stay, it's okay. I won't be offended. I'm a big girl."
Katniss rolled her eyes and then rolled over her body so she was nose to nose with Johanna. She found that Johanna was much more honest when she was forced to make eye contact. "I want you to stay. Will you stay?"
And then she said the one word that made Katniss's heart feel like it was being filled with helium but also completely shattered inside her chest. One word that would complicate the rest of her life. Though it didn't erase the deliriously warm and calm feeling inside her body, it certainly didn't help her sleep. But to hear it from Johanna's lips, sleepy and earnest, was completely surreal.
"Always."