Full Summary: Everyone just has one of those days, and Roy Mustang is no exception. And what better way to start this series of unfortunate events than to wake up bright and early to face it all head on? Includes an Elricest crack for future warning. Rated T for suggestive themes, crude humor and language.
All Genres:Humor/General
I know that probably the several who know me and my stories were not expecting a Full Metal Alchemist one, but hey, what can I say? These type of stories get to me... When I first heard of FMA, I didn't think much of it; it was mostly a feeling of indifference. That is... Until I got bored of waiting for my other fandoms to come and I watched a few episodes. Really to say this all in a short statement, curiosity got the best of me.
Honestly, I don't have that much to say except the fact that I was bored when I wrote this. It starts of slow with rare laugh-worthy moments, but believe me, the end will make up for it.
Disclaimer:
Edward: Oh joy... More Elricest shi-
Alphonse: Stop complaining... When I read your expressions it's almost as if you like it, brother.
Edward: -wince- Al! Shutup!
Roy: Stop this ridiculous sharade! It's annoying!
Edward: Don't tell us what to do! This isn't your story!
Roy: It's as good as! And since she doesn't own either of us, I could beat the shit out of you if I wanted to, so don't test my patience!
Edward: What patience?! You've been walking around all day like a stick has been shoved up your --
Roy: What was that, Full Metal Midget?!
Are sincerest apologies, but the following scene has been cut for reasons of more violence than led on in the story's description... Enjoy this nice short story instead.
Brigadier General Mustang's Long Ass Day
A young man in uniform strode down the halls of his job building tiredly. He shivered a bit before turning into the next corridor. It figured that he had to report to work today a quarter after five for some unknown meeting. Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong, an old friend, informed him of the reporting the night before.
To add to this rather unfortunate string of events, he had chosen to walk to the building this morning. There was no expectance honestly that a stray dog would find him interesting to chase. Not feeling up to being irritated further, the soldier kicked the stray squarely in the jaw, sending him running with his tail between his legs, but just when the man thought the irritation was settled, a little girl began crying about animal abuse. Her mother ended up lecturing the man dearly for at least ten to twenty minutes for hurting other living things while ignoring his defensive reasoning.
And just as he turned away from the annoyed citizen and began walking across the next street, a car struck him head on. The driver got out as soon as possible to check the poor man for injuries, but he hurriedly dusted himself off and continued on, replying that it was nothing serious.
Finally he had checked in the building, happy to see that he was right on time, but only to find that no one else had checked in yet. Calling Lt. Colonel Armstrong with the nearest phone, he soon found that the meeting was moved up to eight o'clock.
So now, here he was inside his work building within the dead silence and he was strictly alone. Not feeling up to going home, the black-haired Brigadier General simply explored the building for sections he might have never seen. Already he could tell that it was going to be a long ass day…
"Brigadier General Mustang! I have a report for you!" (1)
Said man looked around for the one calling him, but his eyes quickly landed on a short young man. He recognized him to be one of his most trusted subordinates.
"Fuery?" he asked momentarily.
The Master Sergeant paused to catch his breath before standing up straighter, "The Elric brothers requested your presence on the main floor." (2)
"The Elric brothers? Why are they here?" Mustang hesitantly queried as the man panted heavily in front of him.
"I'm not sure, but they wished to talk to you as soon as they arrived. Do you want me to tell them you're unavailable?" the other asked suddenly.
The man looked at the other soldier for a split second before slowly shaking his head, "No, I'll speak with them."
"Alright, sir. How was the meeting?" Fuery questioned with a slight polite smile.
Mustang paused for another moment before answering, "Same as always… It was about nothing sincerely important and it was boring as hell."
"Nice to know I'm not missing out on anything. See ya, sir," the other laughed quickly before rushing passed the man.
Mustang spared him another glance before walking on toward the stairs. He checked his watch briefly before turning onto the staircase. 10 A.M. He was frankly surprised that it was still morning, seeing as it felt like two o'clock instead of ten. Looking up, he was suddenly caught off guard by another presence.
Another poor soldier was heaving a stack of papers up the same staircase, blinding his sight of everything directly in front of him. Mustang had noticed too late, but didn't hesitate to swerve around the other man nonetheless. Unfortunately, the two had been too close and the Flame Alchemist tripped over the other's foot in the next moment, sending him running ungracefully backwards down the set of steps. A pair of his co-workers on the lower floor providentially caught him.
"Are you alright, sir?"
"That would've been a rather nasty fall, eh?"
He looked up wearily to come face to face with two more of his most trusted minors, "Yes, thank you Havoc, Falman…"
They steadied him immediately as the one with papers apologized hurriedly for his cause. Mustang shrugged it off indifferently, excusing it as another unfortunate event to his day. He brushed himself off before looking at the other two while hiding his embarrassment.
"Right… As you were gentlemen," he ordered regally before continuing on.
They watched him leave quietly before facing each other, shrugging, and doing what they were told. It was quite obvious that this wasn't the first misfortune to the higher-up's day.
Finally, the soldier reached the main floor's main room, and two blond heads caught his sight immediately. They were talking mutedly to one another and they were standing quite close, but Mustang barely noticed. Their backs were facing him, so he walked up quickly to make his presence known.
"If it isn't the Elric brothers. To what do I owe the honor?" he asked, wanting to surprise the two, before coming to a stop just behind them.
They whirled around in alarm only to look up at their former co-worker, "Sir?!"
He raised a eyebrow slightly, "Edward, you're not a state alchemist anymore and Al, you never were. Just call me Roy."
"What? We finally on a first name basis?" the older brother inquired with a slight attitude appearing.
Roy smiled a bit, "Well, if you're more comfortable with the formal addressing, then I guess that works too."
"Roy sounds good," the younger boy replied for the other. Just as Edward had begun to retort, a swift elbow was brought onto his stomach, and he slouched away with a groan.
Mustang laughed momentarily before closely observing the Full Metal Alchemist's right arm. The sleeve was empty.
"Funny… May I ask what happened to your auto-mail?"
"Nothing major… It was just a little mishap with brother doing something reckless and such," Al spoke up quickly as his brother remained behind him, soothing his most recent wound.
"I see," the older man said slowly before nodding and shrugging the ordeal off, "So back to the main point here. Why the sudden need to visit the military?"
"Well… As you can see," Al started quickly, "Brother still doesn't have his body the way it was before, so you can imagine our reasons for coming back. But really, we only need a place to stay for the night. You think we could borrow one of the military dorms?"
The officer seemed to take it into consideration for the moment as Edward finally felt the energy to stand straighter. It was now that the Brigadier General could see how Al was slowly surpassing his older brother's height. Already the younger brother was at least an inch or so taller. He didn't think much on it though. Hurriedly, he thought over their request before reluctantly nodding in agreement.
"Alright… I suppose one borrowed night wouldn't hurt. Just try and keep it quiet for the other soldiers, alright?" he answered finally with a sigh.
"Right," both answered immediately; Ed in a bit of a weaker manner than his brother.
The three bowed for the other slightly before turning and making their way to their own personal destinations. The soldier sighed heavily once more.
"Those brothers are more trouble than they're worth…"
A slight whimper was evident within the rally of gunshot blasts. Mustang stared at his assistant in disbelief, fear and frustration. He now stood on one foot with his assistant's small puppy trembling in fear behind it. Gunshot holes surrounded the area of his boot that was now wet with waste. The woman set the gun away without much change of expression.
"Black Hayate… It is considered rude to relieve yourself on a commanding officer,"
He was in more shock seeing as she could say it with a straight face, "H-Hawkeye! You just shot at your commanding officer!"
"If I may correct you, sir… I shot around my commanding officer," she pointed out blankly.
"Lt. Hawkeye… I can handle being mistaken for a fire hydrant, but I'm not too fond of being thought of as an obstacle in target practice," Roy explained quickly, finally letting his boot drop.
"My apologies, sir…" his assistant replied without missing a beat, "But not purposely meaning to change the subject, I just remembered a report that came in for the Elric brothers a few minutes after they arrived. For some reason, it was requested to be brought to them by you personally."
Mustang's stance sought change almost immediately before his expression turned serious, "Is that so? Well, do you have it then?"
"Yes, sir," Lt. Hawkeye answered rapidly before fishing it out of her pocket and handing it to him, "Oh and… My apologies for the accident. I'll see to it that you won't be mistaken for a lavatory again."
The soldier nearly laughed at his most trusted co-worker before nodding briefly, stating his thanks, and turning to leave. Yes… Today was just one of those long ass days…
Proceeding regally down the hall, it was easy to observe that not many soldiers even stayed in the military dorms this time in the stationing. Most officers stationed here at the moment lived here in Central as well, so the Elric brothers should not have been any trouble to find a dorm for.
Mustang continued on through the solitary sounding of his own shoes on the marble floor before picking up a strange echo down the corridor. It sounded almost like a moan, and soon his interest began to get the best of him.
Striding up, he soon found that it had been emitted from the dorm assigned to the Elrics, and he stopped dead as another sound came through.
"Ugh… Al… Harder!"
It took all of his strength, self-control and seriousness to stop himself from coughing his heart out. The Brigadier General backed up into the wall behind him with his gloved hand covering his mouth in shock. Standing silently, further echoes reached his ears.
"Al! Harder! We have-er! …to get this over with!"
"I'm trying, brother! You don't how difficult it is to fit it in here!"
The man's eyes widened at the not-so-subtly-hinted statements of supposed intercourse. They were brothers! It wasn't right! It never had been right! But even so, Mustang couldn't help but wonder that it seemed the younger brother was on top. Most would think it almost insulting when dealing with incest.
"Agh!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Does it hurt?"
"What are you talking about?! Of course it hurts! I guess it feels good to have it finally in but it hurts like hell!"
This time the young man had to cough slightly. It was by then that he was pretty sure he had died a little inside.
"Ugh… I said harder!"
"Dammit, brother! You're so impatient. I'm the only one who can do this with you at the moment so shut up and let me work!"
"If you're working so hard, why'd you stop then?!"
"It looks like there's something in the way of it… I can feel it."
"What?!"
Just plain 'What' didn't cover it in Mustang's mind. These young teenage boys were seriously at it, and the soldier was too frozen in place to break it up.
"Fine, try pumping it again…"
Another cough from the Brigadier General…
"Eh… You better be grateful… I'm only doing this because I love you that much."
"Can we talk about gratitude later?! Right now it feels like it's in there in a very awkward way."
"It looks right… But I haven't done this before so I can't tell…"
"Let's try another position…"
"I don't think another position would work as well as this one though, brother."
By this time, the young commanding officer was keeling over in a fit of silent coughing. He just could not believe what these boys were actually doing.
"It's such a tight fit… Ugh! I don't think it'll go in any farther!"
"Of course it can! Just thrust it forward, Al!"
"Fine… I'm gonna pull it out and then thrust it back in and hopefully it won't feel as painful, alright brother? I think that's how you do it anyway…"
"Alright, you do that… I never paid attention to any of the processes I watched, anyway. Ack! I know I said harder but jeez! I'm still human! Lighten up, will ya?"
"Sorry… I'm just getting a little frustrated."
That's it. It seemed Roy had finally reached his limit of shock. His mind was reeling with disbelief and it seemed evident that he just could not take anymore. He had heard a lot of obscene situations in his life, but none were as obscene as this mentally scarring session. Mustang straightened himself quickly before positioning himself to barge in and disrupt the boys' intercourse. Another groan sounded and the young soldier found himself shouting as he rammed into the dorm.
"What the hell do you boy's think you're doing!? You're brothers!This is a military base! Not a soundproof hotel! If you boy's want to-"
He was cut off as soon as his dark eyes finally focused clearly on the brothers. They were on the bed all right, and Edward was clearly shirtless, but the sight he soon observed did not exactly fit the one he had pictured.
Both boys stared up at the officer as if he had lost his mind. Al held an impressive auto-mail arm in hard attachment to his brother's shoulder and it appeared that some of the inner bars were having trouble connecting and latching on. Edward seemed to have a slight pained expression as he was wincing continuously while staring at the Flame Alchemist. All three looked on in shock.
"Something wrong, sir?" Al was the first to speak up.
Mustang blinked, obviously speechless, "I… Uh… Eh… I… I um…"
"Wow, the Flame Alchemist finally doesn't have anything to say… I must say I'm in shock," the older brother retorted arrogantly, "And yes, sir… We are, in fact, aware that we are brothers."
"But! Out there! What you were saying! I mean…"
The boys blinked blankly at the officer for another moment, "Something you heard that you didn't like, Roy?"
He blinked back. Edward's expression suddenly turned suspicious, "What exactly did you think we were doing, Brigadier General Mustang?"
The man could do nothing but stare and allow the question to move about his mind. A short moment passed by once more before he straightened himself quickly.
"Ahem. Nothing. It was merely a diminutive misunderstanding and now it's over with, but I'm sure you're not interested-"
"On the contrary, sir. We are very interested as to what you thought we were doing," Edward's glares were becoming more venomous by the second and the soldier couldn't help but gulp a bit.
"But-…" he defended quickly, "I… Uh…"
"If you were thinking what I think you were thinking out there, sir…" the boy's glares came head on hard.
The officer coughed as Al stared in slight confusion. He recovered quickly to retort, "Well… Er… In my defense, it sounded quite obvious."
"That's not the point! You're right! We are brothers, you closet pervert!" the Full Metal Alchemist pointed out loudly before standing up from the bed, "Just how sick-minded are you!?"
"Now just a-… Look, anybody could've thought-"
"Yeah, but you?! I thought you would know better!"
"Intellect has nothing to do with this! Hints were placed long before-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa… You've been thinking Al and I were…"
The other two blinked hard at Edward. Finally, Al interrupted their tirade.
"He's been thinking you and I were what?" he questioned suddenly.
The constant blinks were shifted to the little brother in tense silence. Now, Al was never one to consider naïve or slow, and it didn't take him long to understand before he suddenly stared at the soldier in disbelief.
Roy winced under the sudden piercing gaze.
After a long silent moment, Al suddenly spoke, "Wow, sir… Do you always believe what you hear?"
"…"
The other two looked on for a long tense while before the man finally found his voice again, "… Well… No, that's not-"
"Then what exactly is it, sir?"
"…"
"Look, as I've said before, it was a rather convincing conversation. You should know, when someone shouts 'harder' in a bedroom with a partner as company, that the first plausible explanation that comes to mind-"
"Whoa, wait a sec," Ed disrupted quickly, "Is that supposed to mean that it sounded like I was on bottom?!"
"Well yes, as observations would illustrate it,"
"Oh, hell no! If that's-"
"Er… Brother…?" Al began slowly.
The other held up his had immediately, "Not now, Al!"
"But-"
"I said not now, Al!" he countered again, "Look Roy, even if one is shouting 'harder', that doesn't always mean that they're the one that's on bottom! I mean, I'm the older one-"
"Wait…" the soldier spoke suddenly, "Are you considering the fact that intercourse between you and Alphonse actually might be even plausible to happen?"
"…"
It was then the younger Elric snickered a bit, "I tried to tell you brother. You walked right into that one."
"…"
This time, Roy snickered. The Full Metal Alchemist seemed to have nothing to say for the moment as the other two began to laugh harder and harder at his downfall. His skin tone was changing evidently by then; displaying an array of seven different red qualities on his wide-eyed face, causing the pair only to laugh harder. And finally Mustang began to think, maybe the day wasn't going to be so long after all.
Hope you enjoyed it enough to review! And if you want, tell me if you laughed or not and if so, how hard? I'm quite curious to be brutally honest.
(1) Apparently this story takes place after the movie and I let Mustang keep the rank Pride gave him to keep him from snooping around. Although I have to admit, calling him Colonel Mustang would've been easier, but I wanted Al in his human form for the story so it would have only made sense if it took place after the movie.
(2) As I've said, this takes place after the movie, so they shouldn't be in the Alchemist's dimension, right? I don't know... They've spontaneously found some way back without using that door? It could happen. Anything's possible, right?