Story Title: All In a Day's Work
Author: Sancia Chislaine
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It's just another typical day at work for Hermione, Draco, Harry, Pansy, Blaise and Theo.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters, names and related indicia are trademark of Warner Bros. and J.K. Rowling.
Author's Note: This is a PWP. Just something that wouldn't leave me alone.
To: H. Potter, H. Granger, D. Malfoy, P. Parkinson, B. Zabini, T. Nott
From: The Minister of Magic
Subject: Job Well Done!
On behalf of the Ministry of Magic, I would like to commend you all on a job well done. It brings me great satisfaction to see that you were all able to cooperate on such a momentous project and put together such well thought out and entertaining events. I look forward to attending the upcoming game and all events planned in hopes that this will be the first in a long line of traditions.
Thank you for your hard work and dedication to this project and all the best of luck on this week's events!
To: H. Granger
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Every book?
Granger, I'm curious. Have you checked out every book at the Hogwarts library?
To: D. Malfoy
From: H. Granger
Subject: Re: Every book?
Malfoy, as important as you see such a ridiculous question it is so to that I find it entirely irrelevant and therefore deem it unnecessary for me to answer you!
We have an entire QUIDDITCH TEAM scheduled to arrive by MUGGLE car in less than 30 minutes. All of whom speak FRENCH and since our French translator won't be here until 2pm which is approximately 3 hours from now, I would think that you of all people as the Head of the Department for International Wizarding Relations would have a more appropriate and job related question to ask me!
For example: How do we clear an entire team through customs when no one at the Ministry can at the moment understand a word they're saying!
To: B. Zabini, P. Parkinson, T. Nott
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Frazzled Bookworm!
Granger's got another broomstick up her ass. Something about no one being able to speak French at the Ministry. I'm thinking that I should have told her that I do…
Bet's still standing though. I'll even up the stakes… 50 Galleons that GRANGER HAS CHECKED OUT EVERY BOOK IN THAT LIBRARY!
To: D. Malfoy, B. Zabini, T. Nott
From: P. Parkinson
Subject: Re: Frazzled Bookworm!
Do you know how childish you are being, Draco Malfoy! Not only do you have this blasted cow flapping around this department like she's lost her bloody head but I am in no way involved in such a stupid and CHILDISH bet! Some people (meaning me!) have a life that does not revolve around being completely infatuated with Hermione Granger (unlike you and Zabini!).
And Zabini! Have you lost your bloody mind! GRANGER HAS READ EVERY DAMN BOOK IN THE WORLD!! Also, don't you have a job that requires you to keep her OUT of my office when she's "frazzled"? Bloody bint can knock some poor chit over with all the arm waving she does! What's all that noise about anyway?
PS: Pumpkin, don't forget to pick up Madeline from the babysitter's tonight.
To: P. Parkinson
From: T. Nott
Subject: PUMPKIN!?
Pansy you daft cow! I am not your bloody Pumpkin and I WILL NOT pick up your godforsaken cat from your mother's house! I'm sure Zabini and Malfoy are already crowed over laughing their heads off at me! What did I tell you about calling me Pumpkin (in public!)?
To: H. Granger
From: B. Zabini
Subject: Pink is my favorite color!
Granger, if your incessant hand waving taps your monitor one more time I'm absolutely sure that your screen will hit the floor therefore amounting to you having to come into my office to use my computer where I will more than likely be unable to resist the urge to stare at those lovely legs of yours.
So please, refrain from the chicken flap that you're accustomed to doing and close your legs. Although the view of those pink knickers are definitely very appealing.
To: H. Potter
From: H. Granger
Subject: Zabini's a Pervert!!
Harry!! He's at it again! Zabini!! He's… well he was looking up my skirt!!
PS: Do I flap like a chicken?
To: D. Malfoy
From: H. Potter
Subject: Control Zabini
Of course the subject alone should tell you what I don't have the time to explain.
PS: Have you found anyone at all to house the Horntail yet?
To: B. Zabini
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: DISGUSTING!
Zabini you little shit! Stop looking up Granger's skirt for Merlin's sake! And do you know if she's gotten anyone to house that French lunatic's Horntail?
To: D. Malfoy
From: B. Zabini
Subject: Re: DISGUSTING!
Hagrid's going to keep it at Hogwarts for the week. He even got the old bird to let him use it for his class. My bet's that those little creatures are going to have strokes when they get a load of that thing!
PS: You're just jealous anyway, Malfoy. She's got on this pink, lacey little number.
To: H. Granger
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: CLOSE YOUR DAMN LEGS WOMAN!
In case you haven't noticed, ZABINI IS LOOKING UP YOUR BLASTED SKIRT and HE'S TELLING ME ABOUT IT!
PS: Pink lace, Granger? I always figured you'd wear white cotton. Can't say I don't approve though.
To: B. Zabini, D. Malfoy
From: P. Parkinson
Subject: CONTROL YOUR DAMN HORMONES!
As fun as I'm sure you both think it is to have Granger barging into my office screaming her head off about what perverts the two of you are. Let me assure that if the two of you don't act like professionals for the rest of today and that crazy bitch has to come back into my office, I will CASTRATE the two of you and then feed your unusually small dicks to the giant squid at Hogwarts! ARE WE CLEAR!?
To: P. Parkinson
From: T. Nott
Subject: I LOVE YOU!
Pansy darling, I'm sorry. I LOVE YOU.
What time would you like me to pick up Madeline?
PS: Did I mention how beautiful you look today, Princess?
To: T. Nott
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: PUSSY cat!
Did I mention how beautiful you look today, Princess?
Afraid she'll threaten to castrate you to, aren't you?
I must say, I'm appalled PUMPKIN!
To: D. Malfoy
From: P. Parkinson
Subject: FK OFF MALFOY!
Stop reading MY wiz-mail you sneaky little shit! And what the hell did you say to Zabini? He looks like he's going to be sick all over his office floor.
To: H. Granger
From: H. Potter
Subject: Kiss!!
Did you go to the lobby with Malfoy? Ron is about to have a bloody heart attack! He swears he just saw MALFOY KISS YOU!
DID MALFOY KISS YOU!!
To: D. Malfoy
From: B. Zabini
Subject: GRANGER!?
Did you kiss Granger in the lobby? Potter just sent me the most… well there isn't quite a word for what sort of wiz-mail that was! According to him, Weasley was just coming in to the Ministry when he saw you drag Granger across the hall and into the elevator where you started to devour her!
DID YOU KISS GRANGER, MALFOY!?
To: H. Granger
From: P. Parkinson
Subject: Shagging on company time?
Well, my oh my Granger. I must say I'm rather impressed. Kissing Malfoy on company hours? But then again I heard it was a bit more than that, wasn't it?
What's it like to shag against the elevator doors?
To: D. Malfoy
From: H. Granger
Subject: EVIL LITTLE SHIT!
How dare you! You loathsome, evil, little COCKroach! How dare you tell Pansy that I shagged you in the elevator! Or for that matter how dare you tell anyone that I kissed you!
I swear sometimes I wish I could just choke you!! Harry's been to my office twice to make sure I'm not hiding you under my desk or some nonsense like that! Not to mention Ron rushed in here a while ago like he was a bat out of hell for Merlin's sake! Asking me if I used protection and if I was keeping the baby!
HAVE YOU LOST ALL OF YOUR MARBLES MALFOY!?
YOU… YOU… YOU'RE FOUL… AND EVIL!! AND LOATHSOME!! AND VILE!!
To: H. Potter
From: B. Zabini
Subject: BLACK EYE!
Potter, you're an amazing man! Yes a splendid man!
To: B. Zabini
From: T. Nott
Subject: Surprised?
Zabini, I couldn't help but notice… SINCE WHEN THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN GAY!
To: D. Malfoy, H. Granger
From: P. Parkinson
Subject: Zabini/Potter?
Theo just told me the most shocking thing. According to him he was over at Potter's office a while ago and happened to come across a wiz-mail that Blaise sent to Harry.
And I quote, "Potter, you're an amazing man! Yes a splendid man!"
WHY AM I NOW FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS?! Did you two know?
To: P. Parkinson
From: H. Granger
Subject: Re: Zabini/Potter?
They're not gay Pansy. I'm assuming you haven't seen Malfoy within the span of the last 15 minutes. But then again if you had you wouldn't have sent me that ridiculous wiz-mail about me shagging him against the elevator doors, would you?
Anyway, Harry came down from the Sports and Games Department and read the wiz-mail I sent to Malfoy when I found out about the rumor that's been spreading in this department as well as International Relations, Sports and Games and Wizarding Law. Turns out that Malfoy thought that it would be a good idea to smirk at Harry; therefore Harry popped him in the eye.
I'm assuming that Blaise heard about the incident and was praising Harry for a job well done.
PS: THE FRENCH ARE COMING!!
To: D. Malfoy
From: P. Parkinson
Subject: Shinny much?!
My oh my, aren't we quiet? So Potter socked you in the eye, did he? I'm assuming that what Weasley actually saw was your dear old dad and his new tart, wasn't it?
I must say, like father like son. To think, what were the odds of the man picking up with a bushy haired brunette, eh?
He just came by to see me. The Granger look a like's son wants an autograph from one of those French meat heads. He'll be stopping by your office in a little while. I believe he went across to Zabini's office first.
Try to get that eye fixed before he sees it. I'm not in the mood for your mother to call me or Granger for that matter, and complain about the poor working conditions at the Ministry.
To: H. Granger
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: WTH?!
Why in the… Let me rephrase that Granger because I would like an answer to my question.
Why has my mother been calling you? In fact, since when has my mother been calling you?
To: P. Parkinson
From: H. Granger
Subject: Narcissa
Why in Merlin's name would you tell that man that his mother and I have been spending time together? Do you know what you've caused!
The bloody man barged in here like he was being chased by a hippogriff! Asked all sorts of odd questions. Like if we ever talk about him and all that rubbish. Do you know how humiliating it is to explain to a woman's son that I have tea with his mother every Friday and discuss books! EROTIC BOOKS!
PANSY PARKINSON I HOPE YOU GET RUN OVER BY A YETI!
To: T. Nott
From: B. Zabini
Subject: Narcissa is a MILF!
Have you heard that your girlfriend and Granger and Narcissa Malfoy have tea and discuss PORN! I think I've died and gone to heaven. Can you imagine how sexy Narcissa Malfoy saying breasts would be?
To: T. Nott
From: H. Potter
Subject: Control Zabini!
Why is Zabini sending me wiz-mails about Narcissa Malfoy's breast? I'm not in the mood to walk all the way down from Sports and Games to strangle him. I mean even I can say that Narcissa is quite the piece of… well you get the point but anyway I'm not about to start fantasizing about the woman because she's been in a porn movie!
To: D. Malfoy
From: H. Granger
Subject: YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD!
How dare you tell people your mother's been in a porn movie?! You are such an ungrateful little cockroach! Narcissa would be so hurt if she ever found out! I can't believe even you would do something so wretched!
PS: Thank you for getting the entire team to the hotel and picking up that blasted dragon!
To: H. Potter
From: B. Zabini
Subject: Granger Porn Movie?
Did you know Granger's been in a porn movie? Pansy says Malfoy's got a copy of it! Who would have ever thought the bookworm was actually a little minx. I must say Potter, who would have thought that you and Weasley have been holding out so much from us for years!
To: P. Parkinson
From: T. Nott
Subject: Sex Tape?
Who in the BLOODY HELL have you been SHAGGING!! BEHIND MY BACK!
To: H. Potter
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Hypocrite!
Potter, you lying little HYPOCRITE! I remember just two weeks ago YOU were mouthing off about all your virtue and respect for women and what not and guess what Granger just sent me!
A WIZ-MAIL!
YOU'VE BEEN SHAGGING PARKINSON BEHIND THEO'S BACK!
I can't begin to tell you how disappointed Granger is. She even came into my office after she sent the damned wiz-mail. GRANGER NEVER LEAVES MUGGLE RELATIONS TO COME TO MY OFFICE!
YOU'RE A FILTHY HYPOCRITE!
To: H. Granger
From: P. Parkinson
Subject: LYING BITCH!
You dirty little bitch! I'm without a doubt, Granger going to murder you before 7pm tonight. I can't believe that you of all people would spread rumors about me and Draco Malfoy having an affair!
If anything I should be the one telling all your friends about your secret little fantasizes to shag him on his mother's dining table.
YOU'RE SUCH A LYING LITTLE BITCH!
To: H. Potter
From: H. Granger
Subject: She's lying! I swear!
DON'T EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO HER! SHE'S DELUDED!! MALFOY AND I AREN'T … NO!!
DO NOT LISTEN TO PANSY PARKINSON!
To: D. Malfoy
From: B. Zabini
Subject: YOU'VE BEEN SHAGGING GRANGER ON MY DESK!?
Malfoy our friendship is OVER!! OVER I TELL YOU!!
To: P. Parkinson
From: H. Potter
Subject: Dinner?
Pans, Ginny wants to know if you and Theo are still coming over for dinner after work.
To: T. Nott
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: The cat's dinner?
Pansy wanted me to ask you if you were going to the cat's dinner after work?
To: H. Granger
From: B. Zabini
Subject: Dinner at the Cat's?
Are we really going to have dinner at some Cat's restaurant? I AM ALLERGIC TO CATS!
To: H. Granger
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Guess what?
I WANT TO KISS YOU!
To: H. Potter, T. Nott, P. Parkinson
From: B. Zabini
Subject: OMFG!!
DRACO MALFOY AND HERMIONE GRANGER ARE ABOUT TO SHAG ON HER DESK!
Finally at seven o'clock that Monday night, Blaise, Hermione, Draco, Harry, Ginny, Pansy, Ron and Theo sat at the crammed Potter table and sorted through their day while they enjoyed dinner.