First off, we own nothing! Except the trashcan. Riot owns that, and his name is Timmy.
Second off, no flame intended. It's just to make you laugh. Major BB fan here and I don't think Brennan is really a whore.
Third off, Who Boned Bones? Part I of III.
"Welcome to the Maury show! Today's guest, Temperance Brennan! Come on out, Tempe."
Temperance walks onto the stage waving nervously as the crowd erupts in applause.
"Hello, Tempe-Oh, who's this?" Maury stops when he notices a man walk out with Tempe.
"Special Agent Seeley Booth, FBI. "Seeley barked, pulling Temperance closer.
"Ohh-kay. Well, let's get to the chase. Temperance, why are you here today?"
"Well, Booth thinks I should know who the father of my child is, although I'm doing perfectly fine taking care of her myself-"
"That's not the point, Bones. The father should know he has a child. And hey, I've been helping!"
Temperance snorted and shot Seeley a look. "I never asked for your help, booth!"
"Booones! I want to help and me being a possible candidate-"
"Whoa, whoa-"Maury interrupted. "possible? How many donors are we talkin' here?"
Temperance huffed up. "If I've calculated correctly, it would have to be in between April 6th and 7th. So approximately twenty-one."
And the crowd goes. "OHHHHHH. WHORE!"
"Wow, okay. Well you certainly get around, don't cha?"
"It was a very stressful two days, Maury. I needed my release."
"So, Seeley. Do you want to be the father?"
Seeley beamed. "I do, Maury. Even though Bones' and I aren't in a relationship-due to that goddamned line- I would love to have a child with her. And even if it isn't mine. I'll still be there."
"Wait, so you and Bones-"
"Don't call me that!" Temperance snapped.
"Sorry, Temperance . So you two aren't together. Just had a one-night stand?"
"Well, you see what happened was-"Seeley started.
"Booth was in a coma, and he thought we were together. Married. And the dream was so vivid; Booth swears he slept with me. And well, I might have. Although I think I'd remember a night with Booth, I'm sure he is a very wonderful lover in-"
"Alright Bones, enough of the sex talk!"
"Right-"Maury stated. "So, let's see our other baby-daddy's!"
"WHOOOOOREEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"So our first possible donor, Elliot Stabler of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit! Here's what Stabler had to say."
"Okay look, I may have left my wife for Olivia, but I am a one-woman kind of man! I would never have anything on the side! Temperance, I think you're looking in the wrong precinct. Might I suggest you take a look at the Criminal Intent detectives? I love Benson and I'd never do that to her. I certainly didn't bang you up against a trashcan!"
"CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY!" Detective John Munch yells from the crowd.
"Talk about Drama!" Maury laughs. "Our next donor, Neil Caffrey of White Collar!"
"Well, Neil couldn't be present for this interview. But I'm his partner, Peter, and I've got Neil on a very, extremely tight leash. I only left him alone with you, for like fifteen minutes. No way he's the father."
"Sam Merlotte of TrueBlood."
"Hey, I run a bar. Lots of alcohol. I don't remember, but who knows? If I'm the dad, I'll help ya out."
"Castiel of Supernatural."
"Uhhhhhhhhh, can angels have children? I thought my swimmers went in a circle?"
"Gregory House of House."
"I only like prostitutes and Cuddy. And apparently Wilson according to all you Fan-girls."
"Dextor Morgan of Dexter."
"La-la-la um, I'm not sure what to say…"
"Richard Castle of Castle."
"Tempe, I don't think I'm fit to be a father."
"Reuben Palchuck of Trauma."
"Look man, it's Rabbit! And I tell ya, Helicopter sex is hot. Tempe, we should do that again some time."
"Johnathon Dorian of Scrubs."
"Duuuude! Where's my chocolate Bear?"
"Henry Fitzray of Blood Ties."
"I'm dead. My father would have be-headed you for this kind of accusation. Filthy."
"Bill Nye of Bill Nye The Science Guy!"
"Tempe, I love you! Our children would be so smart! We should stay together and make many little Tempe's!"
"Buffy of Buffy The Vampire Slayer."
"Yes, I have a penis."
Seeley Booth jumps up. "What the fuck? Buffy!"
"I'm sorry, Angel. I thought you knew!"
"I'm not Angel right now, Buffy. I'm Booth. And that is so nasty. I can't believe I fell in love with a dude!"
"Well it's not like we're in love now! You're all goo-goo with the bone lady!"
"Angel will always love you, Buffy. Or well, maybe not now."
"Ohhh-kay! Next Donor!" Maury screamed, shutting Buffy and Booth up. "Burton Guster of Psych."
"Nah man! I'm not into white chocolate!"
"Brian of Queer as Folk."
"Hello? Gay! I so thought she was a dude."
"Doyle of Angel."
"I died nine episodes into the first season, thank you. And Buffy, that's totally sick."
"Damon Salvatore of Vampire Diaries."
"Ha, I can't have children. You taste very good by the way, Temperance Brennan."
"Fez of That 70's Show."
"Woooo Yaaa! If I'm the father then they'll all know that I totally got some!"
"Michael Weston of Burn Notice."
"Don't tell Fiona. We were separated, but still. I can't be the dad, it'll ruin her."
"Jackson Gibbs of NCIS."
"Gibbs can't be here. He never shows up to anything."
"And of course, you Seeley. Although I don't think you really count."
"I swear we slept together! Bones, I know every inch of your body! You have a birth mark right below your-"
"Dude, we've all seen that mark. No need to share." Rabbit yells.
"THE RESULTS ARE IN!"
"Whooooreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAURY MAURY MAURY!!!!!!!!!!"
"Temperance, you're baby-daddy is…WHAT-THE?!" Maury stood up and threw the papers.
"What is this shit? Who even put his blood in the testing room? Temperance, you'll sleep with him, but not me!? This is bull!"
"What?" Temperance asked, picking up the papers.
"Oh!" She said. "I forgot about him."
"WHOOOREEEEEEE!!!!!! WHO IS IT?" The crowd yells.
"Well, it seems Jerry Springer is the father."
"JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY!"
Jerry walks on stage as Maury stomps off.
"Well, in Jerry's final thoughts, I boned Bones!"
Detective John Munch walks on stage. "I want my Jerry Beads!" *Tosses of shirt and proceeds to poll dance*
And the problem with potato salad is…it sometimes rains.
TO BE CONTINUED: Timmy the trashcan will have his revenge, and this time, which movie star is the father?