Ise Nanao really had no idea how this sort of thing kept happening. For years now, alcohol had been strictly forbidden at official gatherings such as taichou's meetings, fukutaichou's meetings, seated officer conferences, academy curriculum planning sessions… any occasion where actual work was supposed to get done.
And yet, this was probably the sixth time she sat at a fukutaichou's meeting where everyone had alcohol to drink. She'd filed complaints the last five times, but apparently no one had actually read those. Or maybe her helpful taichou had filtered them out of the division's outbox. She wouldn't put it past him, the only times he ever paid attention to the paperwork was when he was trying to undermine her very legitimate position.
At least this time the originator of the idea had made sure to supply everyone with the type of alcohol they liked. It must've been Matsumoto, Ise suspected. Or maybe Iba, she knew there had been incidents of this type in the seventh before. Or possibly Abarai, or Hisagi. Hell, with the proper encouragement even Kira was a possible culprit. Probably not on his own, though, he'd never had the backbone for that sort of thing. Even Kusajishi, the little ball of chaos was a suspect. Though thankfully the pink haired menace had been supplied with equally pink lemonade. If she were drinking sake as well…
Ise had to suppress a shudder when she thought back on that one incident with the mixed up glasses that the Shinigami Women's Association had unanimously decided to never mention again…
As she took a sip from her glass of red wine, she realized that it was really very good, so probably expensive, which made Omaeda climb higher on her list of suspects.
So caught up was she in her musings that she missed whose idea it was that gathered so many enthusiastic acknowledgements. The idea itself… gods, did she really have to waste her time on that sort of thing? She rubbed her forehead while debating whether she'd manage to sneak out unseen. Probably not, as her seat was on the opposite side of the room from the door and she would have to pass everyone to get there. Then again, they were being so loud and unruly her departure might get lost in the arguing.
It was sort of a miracle that Soul Society functioned as well as it did (not very, but still…) considering its leadership.
"Okay, okay, so we're all clear on the rules, right?", Kusajishi's voice raised over the others. She'd always been talented at being loud. Part of the reason she'd become the leader of the Shinigami Women's Association, really. And when there was a game involved…
"The game is 'Best Taichou'. Everybody picks out one thing that their taichou is better at than all the others, and based on what everybody says we pick out the best one overall, alright?" Everyone nodded their agreement with the rules, some more emphatically than others. Nanao was only narrowly able to avoid rolling her eyes as she nodded into her wine glass. As if they'd ever be able to reach a consensus at who was best overall.
She could be properly filing last month's reports right now… but she realized the consequences of refusing to participate in a game with Kusajishi Yachiru, so she resigned herself to her fate.
"So who wants to go first?", Yachiru yelled excitedly. For a moment there was silence, while no one wanted to start, but plenty of people looked like they were just itching to say something.
"I'll go!", Abarai Renji declared, raising his hand.
"I thought you don't like your taichou", Hisagi said, eyeing Renji suspiciously.
"Well, that's not true. I want to beat him, and I resent him for what he did to Rukia, but that doesn't mean I don't like him", Renji defended his position.
"Kinda sounds like it, though", Kira said.
"Well, maybe, but I do respect him, and what's even more important: I want to win the game", Renji declared proudly. He cleared his throat, and then stood up to lend his speech more weight. Nanao was sort of reminded of kindergarteners telling each other how great their daddys were by the whole idea.
"As you all know, no one is more dedicated to keeping up law and order than Kuchiki-taichou", he started, earning himself a snort from the thirteenth's fukutaichou. Renji looked a little sheepish at that. "But that's not what I want to put forward for this game."
"Biggest stick up the ass comes to mind!", Iba cut in, earning himself a look from Sasakibe-fukutaichou next to him.
"True, but I want you all to consider something else. Kuchiki-taichou is the head of a noble house, a model shinigami, concerned with all of his duties…" he took a deep breath, and even Nanao found herself wondering where this was going.
"And also filthy rich. So, I nominate my taichou as the richest", Renji declared with a look of triumph on his face and sat back down.
"Oh, good one", Rukia, who was living from that self same money, cooed.
"Bah. The Kuchiki clan's not that rich", Omaeda said with a dismissive gesture. "I'd be surprised if they even have three quarters of what we have."
"Yeah, but you're not a taichou, you don't count. Kuchiki-taichou is the richest of all the taichous", Renji retorted. Nanao noticed Sasakibe-fukutaichou look as though he wanted to say something, but then he just looked back at his tea cup.
"So? What does he do with his wealth? The second division has heated floors, automatic doors, and fresh flowers everyday. What does the sixth have?", Omaeda said, still clearly unimpressed with Renji's argument.
"Yeah, alright, he's a cheap bastard, but that doesn't change the fact that he has the money", Renji defended. Omaeda just grunted and crossed his arms, but didn't raise any further objections.
"Allright, so Kuchiki-taichou's the richest", Matsumoto said. "Who wants to go next?"
"What about you?", Hisagi said. "Since you asked."
"No, I'm still working on my speech", Matsumoto declared and took a large swig of sake to underline that point.
"Well, I could, I guess", Hinamori said timidly, when no one immediately jumped at the chance. She looked around the table as if she was expecting there to be objections. When there were none, she started "So, my taichou…"
"Stand up!", Yachiru interupted. "Like pineapple-head did. For the deco… dec… decoration!"
"Decorum, Kusajishi-fukutaichou", Ise felt compelled to correct.
"Yeah, that!"
"O-okay", Hinamori said and stood up, looking slightly embarassed. "My taichou…" she took another deep breath before blurting out, "My taichou has the biggest teeth!"
"Huh?", several people exclaimed. "That's what you're gonna go with?", Renji asked. "Seems a little… superficial" Coming from the man who'd picked money as his taichou's best attribute.
"I know, but… have you seen them? They're gigantic! I've never seen teeth like that before."
"Be that as it may…" Nanao started to say, before she was loudly interrupted by Iba.
"Objection! Komamura-taichou has really big teeth, too!"
"Oh… well that's true, I guess", Hinamori said. "But Hirako-taichou's teeth are really very noticeable."
"So? What else do you got?", Iba demanded, crossing his arms.
"Um…" Hinamori looked around the table with that deer in the headlights look of hers. "Straightest haircut?"
There was a moment of silence.
"Yeah, changed my mind, you can have the teeth thing", Iba conceded.
"Thank you!", Hinamori said brightly, as if that was an accomplishment and sat back down. Nanao took another sip from her wine. If this was the level of things being compared, maybe her taichou would actually stand a chance.
"I'm done with my speech!", Matsumoto burst out and jumped to her feet without waiting for any acknowledgment. She took a moment, rolling her shoulders, and straightening up, to imbue herself with gravitas. And to present her boobs even more blatantly, Nanao thought, doing her best not to let her face fall, the way Rukia's was at the moment.
"As you all know, there are a lot of things that I could choose from, Child prodigy, youngest taichous in the Gotei 13, single most diligent office worker among the taichous… but there is one thing, with which he absolutely beats all of the others. My taichou…" she chose to leave a dramatic pause just as her predecessors had done. "Is the cutest!" she concluded with a squeal and a wide grin.
"Uh… Rangiku-san, I don't think he'd appreciate you saying that about him", Hinamori said.
"He doesn't appreciate being called Shirou-chan, either, but that's never stopped you." Matsumoto retorted. "And you all have to admit it's true. Those large eyes, that scowl that just looks adorable that tiny face, and that itsy-bitsy captain's cloak…"
"Itsy-bitsy? He definitely wouldn't appreciate that", Renji said with a snort.
"Well it's true. It's so short, it didn't even reach my knees when I tried it on."
That left several people at the table blinking. "You tried on his haori?", Hinamori squeaked, scandalized.
"Oh come on, don't look at me like that", Matsumoto said. "I mean we've all done it, right?" She looked around the table to gather agreement, but most people were pointedly not looking in her direction.
"I sort of wanted to, but I'm pretty sure if I did Kuchiki-taichou would kill me, and then bill me for the damage Senbonzakura did to the coat. But I know someone who did…" Renji trailed off and looked at his neighbor with an exaggerated turn of the head.
"I resent that accusation", Rukia, his neighbor, said primly. "I would never steal Ukitake-taichous clothes. That would be a serious breach of trust between taichou and fukutaichou."
Renji kept staring at her, unblinking.
"… I may have tried on one of Nii-sama's, though…" There was an uproar among the table, and Rukia scrambled to defend herself. "It was in the laundry anyway, he never found out."
"Well, you know, back when the design was about to be finalized, I modeled some options for Genryuusai-dono", Sasakibe-fukutaichou said, taking a sip from his teacup, as everyone stared at him, surprised that he'd chosen to take part in their discussion. And was capable of speech.
"Wow. You're old", Iba, the only one rude enough to say it out loud, offered their combined sentiments. Sasakibe-fukutaichou just tilted his head, and said nothing more.
"When we're out in the wild, sometimes Ken-chan lets me use his as a tent!", Yachiru threw in with enthusiasm. "It's huge!"
"Didn't you steal one, too, Shuuhei?", Iba asked.
"What? No, I would never steal Muguruma-taichou's haori!", Hisagi said. Then realization seemed to hit him. When she realized just which realization would be likely to hit him at that point Nanao tried her best to hide behind her wine glass. "But there was that one time with Tousen… When Ise-san and I played that prank on him."
"What prank?", Yachiru asked excitedly, half climbing on the table as she did so.
"Well, we switched out Tousen-taichous coat for one of those flowery pink ones Kyoraku-taichou wears, to see if anyone would tell him", Hisagii explained. Nanao found herself quite suddenly the focus of attention. She took a sip from her wine, then folded her hands in her lap.
"I have no recollection of any such event", she declared, mentally congratulating herself for not blushing.
"Right…", Hisagi said, stretching the syllable far longer than it was comfortable with. "Well anyway, while I had custody of the coat, I tried it on."
"You really did that to Tousen? I thought you respected him so much", Renji asked, confused.
"I respected the ideals that at the time I thought Tousen-taichou represented", Hisagi retorted, looking a bit as if Renji had made him bite something bitter. "That didn't mean I didn't think the guy needed to lighten up. It was a harmless prank."
"So, did anyone tell him?", Rukia asked eagerly.
"No, nobody did. Not even Kyoraku-taichou, even though we stole his coat."
"He thought it was hilarious", Nanao added.
"I thought you had no recollection of any such event?"
Nanao found herself suddenly quite occupied with looking elsewhere.
"Okay, Ise is a delinquent, does that really surprise anyone?", Matsumoto said, hands on her hips. "More importantly, can we agree that Hitsugaya-taichou is the cutest and move on? I want to get more sake, but if I lean over the table while standing my boobs might spill out."
That immediately got all the attention at the table. Nanao felt slightly scandalized when she realized that across from her Sasakibe-fukutaichou had quirked an eyebrow in interest. But that was hardly comparable to how weirded out she felt when she saw Kurotsuchi Nemu unsubtly and unapologetically take out a camera and point it at Matsumoto.
A sane person really needed to take control here. Looking around the table and realizing that she was the only one even remotely qualified, Nanao let out a long suffering sigh, that encompassed annoyances far beyond this one measly meeting. "Yes, Matsumoto-san, I think we can unanimously agree that Hitsugaya-taichou is indeed cuter than all the other taichous, and you can sit back down."
Matsumoto smirked triumphantly and gingerly folded her hands over her gigantic cleavage as she sat back down to the soundtrack of several disappointed groans.
"Great, so why don't you go next, Nanao?", Matsumoto encouraged. Because I can't think of a positive attribute for my captain, Nanao was half tempted to say. But then Yachiru, who was unfortunately sitting next to her poked her in the side and cheered.
"Yay, Fukutaichou's turn!"
"We're all fukutaichous here, Kusajishi-fukutaichou", Nanao felt the need to point out as she stood up, resigning herself to her fate, knowing that where Yachiru was concerned, all resistance was futile.
"But you're the best fukutaichou!", Yachiru said as though it was glaringly obvious. Nanao was quite flummoxed by that statement, until it was followed up with, "'Cause of the Shinigami Women's Association!"
"Right", Nanao said, silently disappointed that this wasn't the endorsement of all her hard work she was always secretly waiting for. But far from surprised. "Well… my taichou…"
She looked around the table, trying to come up with something to say. All eyes were on her, and apparently they thought she was dramatically pausing as the others had. They looked even more interested the longer the silence went on, while in Nanao's head only images of flowery pink coats, huge amounts of sake and a Zanpakuto that played children's games floated.
"My taichou is the most ridiculous", she finally concluded when really nothing else came to mind.
"Objection"
All eyes turned to the calm voice that had spoken, and when Nanao realized that it was Nemu, she was baffled that the other fukutaichou would ever label her precious 'Mayuri-sama' that way. Most of the others seemed to share that sentiment as everybody stared at her.
Nanao was the first to regain her composure. "Fair enough, I suppose. Then I put him forward as the taichou with the most sexual harasment claims filed against him. Though I'd need to consult my files to know the exact number."
"You keep files about that?", Hisagi asked, incredulously.
"Naturally. It's in a drawer labeled Time wasters along with our flower budget and all alcohol related property damage reports", Nanao explained, pushing up her glasses.
"Aw man, why does my taichou have to be so well behaved?", Matsumoto complained, taking a hearty swig of sake. "At least that paperwork would be fun."
"You know, I believe he has the most claims, but I don't think he'd ever win the game with that. Don't you have anything nicer to say?", Renji asked, looking a bit uncomfortable.
"Not really. How about Captain who can hold his liquor the best?", Nanao suggested half-heartedly.
"Yeah that's better", Renji said, satisfied and several of the others agreed. Nanao sat back down and wished from the bottom of her heart that Kyoraku-taichou wouldn't actually win with that. Because knowing her fellow fukutaichous she wouldn't actually put it past them. And if that happened she would have to strangle someone. Not quite sure who, but her taichou would probably be near the top of the list.
"Yay, my turn now!", Yachiru declared, and stood up. Which put her eyeline below the table. For a moment only the pink crown of her head was visible, but then she jumped up on the table.
"Ken-chan is the strongest!", she declared triumphantly and crossed her arms.
That immediately caused an uproar. "Oh come on, the guy doesn't even have a Bankai!" "I find that improbable" "I bet Komamura-taichou could kick his ass if he really wanted to", were just the shouts that Nanao managed to make out. Sasakibe-fukutaichou cleared his throat meaningfully, and took another sip from his teacup.
"No no no, that's not what I mean!", Yachiru said, stomping her foot on the table. "Not with sword and magic and stuff. Just when he beats you up. Like with fists and stuff!"
"So you mean you suspect him to be the physically strongest?"; Nanao tried to translate. She had lots of practice from the Shingami Women's Association's meetings.
"Right! He's got lots of physics!"
"I stand by my point", Iba insisted. "Komamura-taichou's a gigantic fox-wolf-person. Now I don't really know who'd win in a fight between them, because Komamura would never agree to it, but you're not getting the point because we just don't know."
"Ken-chan could totally beat Wolfy", Yachiru said and looked insulted. Nanao had to suppress the strong urge to hide under the table
"Uh… excuse me, but I would like to make an objection as well", Kotetsu Isane said, speaking for the first time all meeting.
"Unohana-taichou? I mean with Kidou, definitely, but physically?", Matsumoto asked, sceptically.
"Just because she doesn't do so often doesn't mean she can't. And there is a reason that the entire eleventh division is scared shitless of her", Isane defended her point, blushing slightly when she uttered the word 'shitless'.
There was a very short staring contest between Yachiru and Isane. Incredibly short because Isane looked down at the tabletop almost immediately. "Okay, whatever, but Ken-chan's definitely the craziest!", Yachiru decided, switching strategies.
"Objection"
Once again all eyes were captured by Nemu, who looked as unmoving as ever.
"Oh right", Yachiru said, an earnest look in her wide eyes. "I forgot about Mime. Okay, then Ken-chan has the best hair accessories!"
Renji opened his mouth, closed it again, and then repeated that. "You know, I feel like I should protest that but… yeah you can have that", he conceded. Thinking over the comparison of Kenseikan or bells Nanao couldn't quite decide which was worse.
"Yay!", Yachiru said, and jumped back down onto her chair, apparently satisfied with any attribute that Ken-chan could win.
"Now it's my turn", Rukia declared and stood up, putting her eye level quite a bit lower than it was sitting. At least she could look over the table. "And I think this one is going to go uncontested", she said proudly. "Ukitake-taichou is the nicest Captain we have."
"Objection", Isane said almost immediately. "Everybody loves Unohana-taichou."
"You just said the entire eleventh is scared shitless of her", Rukia shot back.
"Well… but everybody else…", Isane said weakly, knowing she'd already destroyed her point.
"Everybody loves Ukitake", Rukia said decisively. "He's good looking, friendly, always has an open ear for everyone. He always gives Hitsugaya-taichou candy, you know."
"Oh, good point, then I object, too", Matsumoto said.
"You do? I mean I like Hitsugaya-taichou, but I don't think I've ever even seen him smile. You're not actually suggesting he gets that category?", Renji asked, doubtfully.
"Because of the candy thing. He absolutely hates the candy, and every time he gets it, he wants to freeze Ukitake's feet to the floor, but he doesn't, because he knows that would be bad for Ukitake-taichou's illness, and he doesn't want to do that because he's so nice", Matsumoto declared.
"…", Renji said, pointedly.
"That does not win you this category", Rukia said.
"Yes, I know", Matsumoto said, putting her chin on her fist. "But I still felt it warranted mentioning."
"So, is everyone done with their half assed protests? Because I own that category and you know it", Rukia said smugly. Lording her superiority over them might have worked out a little more impressively if she didn't have to look up to do it.
"Yeah, you can have that one", Hisagi said. "But it's my turn next." He stood up, while Rukia climbed back onto her chair.
He crossed his arms and paused, looking at everyone at the table one by one before coming out with it. "Muguruma-taichou is the manliest."
Again, a shower of protests rained down from several of the others. Nanao knew that Kyoraku would probably want her to intervene on his behalf on that topic, but she just couldn't be bothered.
"Ken-chan's way manly!" and "Komamura-taichou's manlier than that", were heard above the others, mostly because their originators had really loud voices.
"Soi fon's got bigger balls than all of them!"
A beat.
"Figuratively, I mean."
"Well, hear me out", Hisagi said. "My taichou's shikai is a knife. Small hunting knife, you know? Only a real man can take a weapon like that out to fight against hollows." Hisagi looked quite pleased with himself for that.
"Oh, whatever. Beards are manly, right?", Iba said, and continued without waiting for an answer. "Well Komamura-taichou's got fur. That's like a beard for the whole body!" Nanao took a moment to marvel at that particular piece of logic before tuning back into the conversation.
"…-chan's got lots of scars, that's way more manly than cuddly hair!"
"Oh, scars are manly, I like that one", Hisagi said brightly. "Tattoos too, right, Renji?"
"Ever think you might be trying to hard?"
"Also, the pervy tattoo doesn't get man points!", Yachiru said. Hisagi froze and stared at her.
"How do you know it's pervy?", Nanao asked, her voice a few octaves higher than it usually tended to be.
"Ikkaku said it's pervy, and to never ask about it again", Yachiru said brightly. Nanao wasn't the only one at the table breathing a sigh of relief.
"That's not true, that's not what it means!", Hisagi protested.
"Really? What's it mean, then?", Renji asked.
"Well, when I was little, Muguruma-taichou saved me from a hollow, and that's what inspired me to become a Shinigami, and to honor him I got the same tattoo as him."
"So, what does it mean to him, then?", Matsumoto asked.
"Uh… I don't know, I never actually asked him…", Hisagi admitted, looking at the table.
"So it probably does mean what we're all thinking, and all of Seireitei thinks your either a pervert or gay or both because you're walking around with it in the middle of your face", Matsumoto said in a bored tone of voice. The color Hisagi blushed at that statement went beyond red. There was some purple mixed into it, and apparently his ability to speak was a casualty of that. He fell back onto his chair with an audible thump.
"I would like to continue", Nemu said and stood up. "My taichou is the smartest", she said without any pauses or further explanation.
"That's not true!", Kira protested. "Being a mad scientist is not the same as being smart."
"He has amassed large amounts of data."
"Still not the same thing as being smart."
"Well, then, he's the craziest", Nemu said, taking the rejection of her first idea in stride.
"I don't know, are we really comfortable declaring either him or Zaraki-taichou as craziest? I think it's a draw", Renji said thoughtfully. Nanao was quite suddenly hit with the intense hope that none of the contents of this game ever made their way back to the people being discussed here.
"Fine. He has the best make up." No one seemed to have any objection to that, seeing as only Unohana and Soi Fon would be prone to wearing make up and neither seemed to particularly care for it. Completely disregarding the random lipstick stains Kyoraku-taichou was sometimes covered in, of course.
Satisfied with the lack of opposition, Nemu sat back down again.
For a moment no one took the initiative.
"You do all know that this game has a foregone conclusion", Sasakibe-fukutaichou said in a dignified tone. Not that he ever spoke any other way.
"And what would that be?", Nanao inquired, pushing up her glasses.
"Well, as you all know, Yamamoto-dono is the soutaichou."
There was a beat as everyone processed that.
Matsumoto was the first to summarize their combined feelings. "So what?"
"That should be obvious." Nanao took a moment to marvel at the arrogance in that statement. Even though she did not take this game seriously at all, it rubbed her the wrong way that he'd just assume a surefire win.
"Your taichou's rank does not mean that you win by default", Nemu calmly said. "Especially considering the nature of the aspects having been compared up until now."
"Alright, then let me rephrase that. He is the wielder of the most powerful fire element zanpakuto. The most powerful zanpakuto in all of Soul Society", Sasakibe said, finally putting his tea cup down and looking at the others in earnest.
"I see your 'most powerful fire element zanpakuto' with a 'most powerful ice element zanpakuto' and raise you a 'not yet fully realized potential'", Matsumoto declared.
"Rangiku-san we're not playing poker", Kira reminded her.
"Really? 'Cause I was about to bet my clothing."
"Please do!", Hisagi said, suddenly recovering from his temporary muteness.
"Pervy tattoo wants to perv on Booby-san!", Yachiru yelled, effectively shutting Hisagi up once again.
"Hitsugaya-taichou does have a lot of potential, but at the moment you have to realize that he would not be able to beat Yamamoto-dono."
"Yes he would. At cuteness!", Matsumoto reminded them of her previous point. "Pick something other than power to compare, that's boring."
"Well…" Sasakibe finally looked a little less sure of himself. "He has the best beard?"
"Remember, Komamura is made of beard…"
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It was quite a nice day out, really, Hitsugaya-taichou observed as he neared the third division that was the host of the fukutaicho meeting this time. It was sort of ironic, he mused, that he was escaping his paperwork in order to make Matsumoto do hers. Not that he was sad about that.
He'd recently come up with a new strategy to get her to do at least a little of her work. He'd started following her around more, hoping that pestering her about her work more might have some effect. His efforts had been effectively halted quite soon, though, when he'd found her at her quarters applying hot wax to her legs. Hearing her explain the concept, seeing her rip the hair from her legs and her subsequent offer to do it for him as well had left him sufficiently traumatized.
Now though, picking her up from her meeting and making sure she didn't go drinking with her friends in the middle of the afternoon and go do some work instead, that seemed harmless enough.
That was what he thought at least, until he got within hearing range of the meeting room and realized there was lots of shouting and some other sounds that sounded suspiciously like punches being thrown. He had no idea what topic could've enraged the fukutaichous to such dissent, but he was suddenly quite worried.
As he got closer he heard Kira's voice saying something about "golden curls" followed by Ise saying something about curls not being a big deal. Someone else was shouting "Fur doesn't win every hair related argument!"
"My taichou doesn't even use gel", Matsumoto yelled, nearly drowning out someone else saying "tripped over his beard once, it's so…" before that got lost in the shouting as well. A shrill voice yelled "… spikes almost as high as me!"
Hitsugaya had no idea what was going on, but he was growing ever more certain that whatever it was was probably not putting Soul Society as a whole in too much danger. And he probably didn't really want to know what's going on.
There was a loud bang. Really, he should do the responsible taichou thing and go in there to restore order. Make sure no one was killing each other, yelling at all of them about professionalism and maybe even have some of them arrested if they didn't see reason.
A teapot crashed through the window and landed right in front of his feet. The young taichou blinked a few times. And then turned on his heel deciding he was never here.
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A/N: Thanks for making it this far. This was just a random idea that popped into my head, and I'm not sure how it got to be this long. Hope you liked it, and I'd love to hear your thoughts, reviews make me very happy :)
Omake:
When a few weeks later every taichou received a certificate in pink crayon declaring their best feature, they knew better than to ask, and many threw theirs away (including the cutest taichou, the bendiest taichou and the richest taichou). Not all of them, though.
Iba Tetsuzaemon dropped all the files he'd been holding when saw the certificate for "cuddliest taichou" on Komamura's wall a few days later.