Atlantis Orientation by ShipperWriter
Summary: New job. New rules. New players. Somebody's gotta break the rookies in.
A/N: Inspired by a story on a Chipotle cup. For more info, see discussion over on GateWorld's John/Elizabeth relationship thread.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except my car that took me to Chipotle, the lunch I bought, and the laptop I'm writing this on.
"Welcome to Atlantis 101"
"Good afternoon, and thank you for choosing to participate in this small, unofficial orientation. My name is Chuck. If you stick around long enough, you might find out my last name. That is, if you aren't culled or infected with nanites first.
"If you'll go ahead and open your packets, you'll see that there is a brief summary of the command structure here on Atlantis. Of course, our boss is the wonderful Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She is strong, determined, addicted to work, coffee, and a certain brown haired colonel. Research has found that it is wise not to inquire about any secret relationships or her hidden stash of chocolate. The last few Expedition members that did that were assigned to waste duty. Again, she is strong and determined. Do not forget that.
"Next, we have Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, the most expert carrier of the Ancient gene currently residing on Atlantis. Yes, his hair is like that naturally. No, he does not harbor secret romantic feelings for Rodney McKay, or Teyla Emmagen, or Ronan Dex. Lieutenant Watts found that out the hard way. As I recall, she fell down a stairwell in close vicinity to Dr. McKay's lab. Never determined exactly what happened. In any case, crack pilot, extremely loyal to all members of the expedition, and has a mini fridge full of beer in his quarters. To date, it has never been empty. We still can't figure that one out. If anyone cares to bet on how that's possible, please see Dr. Bingham in the lab on level 36.
"In charge of all the scientific departments is Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay. Please keep in mind that while the doctor is arrogant and pig-headed, he can lecture you about meaningless scientific matters until you turn blue and your eyes explode in your head. If you call him Meredith, for any reason, and manage to survive without any harsh consequences, there will be a small gathering in a secret lab on the East Pier to celebrate.
"Teyla Emmagen has lived here on Atlantis ever since the Expedition arrived to Pegasus. She is Athosian, mild mannered, and humble. Please make a note, do not agree to a sparring session with her if you are in less than excellent health. You will be out of commission for a week. Do not underestimate her. For more information on the Athosians, please sign up for next week's class, Pegasus Cultures 101.
"If a picture's worth a thousand words, Ronan Dex is a novel. Previously a captive held for sport by the Wraith, he came to Atlantis shortly after the disappearance of Lieutenant Aiden Ford. For more information on previous members of the Expedition, feel free to attend the slideshow, Red Shirts of Atlantis. If you can't understand why it's called that, don't bother coming. More on Ronan. He is a man of few words. If you can't answer a question with less than five words, he will ignore you and walk away. He doesn't want anyone to know, but he was married, with a son. He is a huge teddy bear, and has a tendency of giving people hugs when they least expect them, sometimes, when they least need them. If he tries to encounter you after a bantos class, run to the infirmary.
"And that brings us to Dr. Carson Beckett. Like Colonel Sheppard, our Scottish chief medical officer has the Ancient gene, which allows him to utilize some of the Ancient equipment that only those with the gene can. He also hosts a support group, called, 'Help, I'm stuck with the Ancient gene and I don't want it'. The meetings traditionally start with the bagpipes being played. Ear plugs are sold for two dollars in the store room.
"That wraps up the introduction to the senior staff on Atlantis. Enjoy a brief intermission with some coffee and pastries, and we'll resume shortly with 'Welcome to Atlantis 102' or, as it's commonly known, 'The List of "If You Do, You're Dead"'. Special guest speaker will be Major Evan Lorne, Colonel Sheppard's second in command.
"Thank you, and enjoy your break."
Next time: "Welcome to Atlantis 102", The List of "If You Do, You're Dead"