She wants to get married, she wants it perfect
She wants her grandaddy preaching the service
April tucked her hair behind her ear, the red in her hair standing out brightly in the afternoon sun. She looked over at Jackson and he could have blushed that she caught him already looking at him.
"What are you thinking?" he asked quickly, trying to cover up his staring.
"Um, well," she mused, her pretty cheeks turning pink. "Libby thinks that she and Jared are going to get married."
"And, are they?" Jackson asked, weirded out to think that Libby was thinking of getting married. Libby wasn't even that much older than he and April.
"Probably not," April said. "Well, maybe. They love each other and they've been dating for two years. Why wouldn't they?"
Jackson shrugged. Maybe because Libby was barely into her twenties and it seemed so weird that he knew people that were thinking about getting married. "I don't know."
"I was thinking about weddings," April continued, her voice soft. "And, I'm so glad that I only have one older sister because what if I were Alice and I had three older sisters? All the good wedding ideas would be gone!"
Jackson chuckled and shook his head at her. "You know Libby. She'll still think you stole all of her ideas."
"Yeah, probably. What do I know about weddings, anyway? I'm not going to get married for, like, ten years."
She'd be twenty-five and it was so hard to picture the two of them being that old. "I don't think I'll ever get married."
"What? Why?" April demanded, her brown eyes burrowing into his. "Don't you think it would be great?"
"Great like my parents or great like the rest of the divorce rate?"
She bumped her shoulder against his. "I'm sorry. I see why you'd think that. I just think that if you find someone you love and they love you back, why not just marry them? It's the best way to show that you love someone, right?"
Jackson tried not to make a noise in the back of throat and April rolled her eyes at him.
"Don't be a stick in the mud!" April exclaimed. "Imagine how beautiful a wedding could be!"
"Do you have the answer to question three?"
April sighed. "Okay, stick in the mud, I can take a hint. I just think that you shouldn't say never."
"Never will I ever."
April laughed again. "Fine, fine! All right, question three …"
She trailed off as she stared down at her chemistry notes, the early spring breeze rifling her hair. Jackson shifted on the hard bench, just staring at her instead, not listening to a word that she was saying about their homework. She had pretty red hair and Jackson would much rather sit in the park and watch her soft curls go in the breeze.
Yeah, she wants magnolias out in the country
Not too many people, save her daddy some money
"Don't you have sisters to do this with?"
April laughed at him and Jackson tried not to fall in love with her laugh. She was twenty-two, her leg crossed under her as they sat on his living room couch, her wedding planner on his coffee table. He glared down at it because it was her wedding planner and not their wedding planner but somehow, he was still sitting here, talking about flowers.
"They're driving me nuts!" April complained. "They think they get more of a say on my wedding than I get!"
"What about Matthew?" Jackson asked. Two years of them dating, and he still stuttered over the other man's name. It wasn't Matthew's fault. April was great and there was no reason why anyone wouldn't fall in love with her.
"He's busy," April said. "You know how it is, being a paramedic."
"You're writing exams and trying to plan a wedding!"
"I have one exam left! And, it's fine, I studied. I'm fine! How are your exams?"
"Fine," Jackson said. He didn't really want to talk about university but he also didn't want to talk about her wedding.
"I think I want magnolias," April said. "Do you think it's not enough? But we're getting married in a barn, there's going to be fields and butterflies and … It's perfect, don't you think?"
"It's your wedding."
Jackson sat down next to her on the couch. April was getting married. Sometimes, he felt as though it hadn't properly sunk in yet, because sometimes, he would think those words, and he would feel as though he'd been punched in the stomach. She was getting married, to Matthew, who was religious and kind and understood her … but who couldn't possibly understand her in the way that Jackson did. He knew that it was true but he also knew that it was unfair to think it. He had met April when they were in middle school, when his mother decided that going to the best public school in the area was going to be a good dose of reality for his pampered ass. He had been the new kid – gawky, scrawny, too big of an ego. She had been all knees and braces, her hair a tangled mess. She'd been chewing on the end of her pencil when he took the empty seat next to her, which was right up front, in front of the teacher. She had just met Matthew in university. Matthew couldn't ever take those years from Jackson, but he and April were going to have something that Jackson couldn't ever take away from Matthew, and thinking about it drove him insane.
"Magnolias, Jackson, tell me more."
"You picked the magnolias! You tell me more about them!"
She laughed at him. "My mom thinks I should go with really bright colours, white dress and all but there so simple and pure. It's what I want and a wedding is supposed to be all about what we want, right?"
"I'm not getting married, you are."
"Right. Matthew wants me to have my flowers and he said I shouldn't let my mother run my life."
"That seems like good advice."
She threw her pen at him. "Come on, Jackson, be my best friend. What else are you here for?"
Jackson's heart stopped in his chest for the briefest moment and then he forced a smile onto his face. Best friend. If that was what she needed him to be, that was what he would be. He could admit to himself that he loved her enough, that he could give her that.
"I think magnolias are going to be perfect, April."
She beamed. "Thanks!"
Ooh, she got it all planned out
Yeah, I can see it all right now
Jackson tapped his fingers along the top of the white tablecloth, looking at the champagne flute in front of him. He didn't understand the point of rehearsal dinners. Didn't people already know how to get married? Jackson was bored. Weddings were boring. April's older sister, Libby, had gotten married and he had been April's plus one. The only way that they had gotten through it was making fun of everything behind Libby's back and sneaking drinks. By the time the reception had ended, April had been the drunkest that he'd ever seen her, which was a very low bar, since she barely ever drank and Libby had a limited bar, since there were plenty of children running around.
He turned as he felt a hand along his shoulder. He knew, before he saw her face, that it was going to be April. There she was, a knee-length, soft green dress on, a champagne flute in her own hand.
"I can't believe it, Jackson, can you?"
No. Absolutely not. "What? Are you surprised an engagement led to a wedding?"
April just laughed at him and then leant in, like they were conspiring about something. "I'm getting married tomorrow."
Jackson leant back into her, their heads close together. He whispered, "I know."
"You want to do something bad?"
"You don't do anything bad."
"I know. And I'm going to be a wife and … I've never snuck out of my house before."
She had never had to. Her parents would always let her go because she was a good girl. Especially when Jackson was involved because he was from a nice, respectable family, and weren't they just such good friends? Even her family had never thought that they were doing anything or amounted anything more than friends.
"You want me to sneak you out of your house?"
"Please? I can't see Matthew the night before the wedding and I don't want to spend it alone or with my sisters. Please? I want to spend it with you."
Jackson couldn't tell her no. He had never been able to tell her no, even back when her sisters called her an ugly ducking and she was too skinny and too awkward to ever being considered pretty.
"All right. I'll be there. But I thought you'd want beauty sleep before your wedding."
"You know me. I can't sleep before big things. I'd have to knock myself out and that's going to be worse."
"Midnight?"
"Midnight," April agreed. "Just for an hour or two."
"Whatever you want. Tomorrow's your day."
She grinned brightly at him and then Matthew called her name and she spun around. Jackson watched her be encircled by his arms. They were a pretty, perfect couple, sickeningly sweet as he dipped her back, even though there was no music and no one was dancing, just because he could. Matthew had proposed to her with a flash dance. He had ambushed her when she was with her study group in the library. Well, Jackson thought of it as an ambush. April had delighted in the attention, calling it romantic.
He finally had to turn away from the happy couple, attempting sus out one of their school friends to take his attention away from April's big day. He found his mother's date, instead. Catherine had been close to April as they had grown up – Jackson assumed she had always wanted a daughter and April, though she never would have admitted it, liked not having to compete with her sisters for attention. She had invited a world-renowned plastic surgeon to be her date – some man named Mark Sloan. He was sipping from a metal flask that he wasn't good about hiding in his suit pocket. Jackson leant against the wall next to him.
"Do you just hate weddings that much?"
"I hate love," Mark corrected. "Why do you look like crap?"
Jackson stared forward at April, who was laughing at something Libby had said. She was so beautiful when she laughed. "I don't look like crap."
"Got a thing for the bride?"
"What? April? I –"
"Have absolutely no reason to lie to me." Mark shook the flask a little and Jackson could hear the liquid sloshing around. It had to be harder than the champagne that April and Matthew were serving exclusively. "I'll trade you a shot for the truth."
"I've been in love with her since we were fourteen. I never had the balls to tell her. He did. I'm her best friend, you know?"
Mark handed him the flask. Jackson made sure April wasn't watching when he took the drink. He tried not to gag on it and Mark just laughed at him.
"Isn't it a bitch, loving people that don't love you back?"
Jackson just stared at her for another moment and then he looked over at Mark. "So, what do you do?"
He laughed. "I don't know. I've never loved someone enough to say it. Not my style."
Jackson took another drink from the flask and Mark took it back.
"Hey, hey," he said. "What is it you want to hear? You want someone to tell you to stand up at that wedding and either ruin your life or get something great? Or do you want me to tell you to keep quiet and either ruin your life or keep something great?"
"You are not helpful at all."
"No, I'm just here to be pretty."
"Where is my mother?"
Mark shrugged. "I'm only here because no one says no to Catherine Avery. Do you think I'd be in Ohio if I didn't have a choice? Ohio. Me."
Jackson just nodded. April was posing with Matthew for pictures, their mothers handing them funny props from the box they had gotten. It was like watching a scene from a movie.
"He believes in God too," Jackson said. "Morals, faith, kids, future. Everything lines up for them."
"Then, you've made a decision."
"Was there ever a decision to make? I tell her something, and I end up hurting her. She loves him too or she wouldn't have said yes."
"Or are you trying to talk yourself into making that decision?"
"Imagine you had a son," Jackson said.
Mark promptly took a swig of the whiskey. "Nope. No kids. Not yet."
"Imagine. Imagine you had a son you loved and you were a good father. What would you tell him?"
"Where's your father?"
"Don't know," Jackson said quickly.
"Ask your mother."
"She'd swat my arm and demand to know what I was thinking. April's getting married and I had better respect her decision because he had the balls to say something and I didn't."
Mark thought carefully, staring over at the bride and groom. Then, he straightened up and faced Jackson. "All right, son."
"I'm listening."
"If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there." Mark broke into a wide grin. "How was that?"
"Kind of great. Actually, really great."
"See, Mark Sloan knows what he's doing."
Jackson wouldn't have gone that far but he let Mark have his moment. He looked back to April, who tucked a strand of her long hair behind her ear. Tonight, when he picked her up, maybe he should … Maybe Mark was right … Maybe he'd spend so long wishing that he had said something. Was that fair to him? Was that fair to her? Did she deserve to know?
"Flask's here all night."
"Won't it run out eventually?"
"A man never travels without backup."
Mark opened the side of his jacket, revealing an inside pocket that was clearly holding another flask. He slapped the one they had been sipping out of into Jackson's palm. It felt half-full at least.
"Here. You keep it. Something to think about."
Jackson looked down at the flask as Mark wandered off.
He had a lot to think about.
I'll wear my black suit, black tie, hide out in the back
I'll do a strong shot of whiskey straight out the flask
I'll try to make it through without crying so nobody sees
Jackson hadn't slept enough. Not by a long shot. April's hour or two of sneaking out had turned into four a.m. burgers and fries at the all night diner they had frequented as children. She'd been in old blue jeans and a soft plaid shirt, looking like the April he had always known, but she'd still had on the nice make-up from the reception and that definitely hadn't been the April he'd always known.
He looked at the clock. He had time. She was getting married at five in the afternoon, her reception carrying them through the sunset. He had just over an hour before he was due to be at the church with the rest of the guests and he was holding Mark Sloan's now empty flask in his hand, staring at his mother's expensive whiskey collection.
Jackson could admit to himself that the headache probably wasn't from the lack of sleep. Not entirely. It was from the fact that he had chickened out when he was looking at April, dipping her fries in her milkshake and talking about when final exam marks might come out, like she wasn't getting married in the morning. And he was telling her about how hard she had studied and how she wouldn't have to worry about exam marks because she was so smart, like he wasn't in love with her. After he had dropped her off and watched her climb back through the window that her mother left open, he had driven home and finished off Mark's flask before flopping in bed, having nightmares about her wedding.
Was it disrespectful to show up to her wedding with a flask?
He wasn't going to tell her. He wasn't going to get sloppy drunk. He wasn't going to ruin her wedding day. But he would need something to get himself through it without being a total ass.
He picked the top shelf whiskey. He might as well have one good thing today.
Yes, she wanna get married
But she don't wanna marry me
Jackson remembered clearly when he realized he was in love with April. He was sure the actual falling in love was sweet and slow and gradual, since looking back, he couldn't remember not feeling it, but it had taken him so long to put what he was feeling together to make it make sense. They were fourteen and going into ninth grade and Jackson had just broken up with his very first girlfriend. If the title of girlfriend could be stretched so far to apply to Stephanie. He had met her when he was travelling with his mother. She had been a volunteer or something at St. Jude's hospital. He had met her, waiting for Catherine to get out of a meeting. They had spent the weekend talking and laughing and had written letters for the rest of summer, deciding that it would be more fun to get actual mail, but the letters had very quickly slowed, and Jackson hadn't been bothered by not hearing about her because April had come back from church camp.
She had come back from church camp with no braces and a tan and was out of Libby's hand-me-downs and Jackson might not have noticed if it weren't for the simple fact that everyone else they went to school with seemed to have noticed. People were looking at her –boys not quite brave enough yet to speak to her and girls who wondered who had taught April Kepner to put on mascara. April had been aware, if only vaguely, of her transformation, asking if Jackson thought the barely noticeable mascara looked ridiculous on her face and if she thought that her teeth were straight enough. Jackson had never seen April look in a mirror more than that first week of ninth grade.
And, then, April Kepner who grew up on a pig farm and had callouses on her palms from the hard work that she put in at home, showed up in the first dress Jackson had ever seen her in and though he didn't want to be one of those shallow boys who only looked at a girl's legs, the fact remained that April had really good legs. She had sat down next to him in the morning and he was looking at a blue patterned dress – still modestly long but that flirted with her thigh and showed off her shoulders. It was when she nervously asked him if he liked it that his heart had double thumped in his chest and he first thought about kissing her.
It was that night, when he was laying in bed and still thinking about kissing her that he thought that he loved her too. It had been a passing, drifting thought, but it had stuck with him ever since.
I remember the night when I almost kissed her
Yeah, I kinda freaked out, we'd been friends for forever
Their after-school pattern had been studying in the park after school and then going over to the diner near the park for milkshakes. April had to be home for night chores and for dinner. Jackson had ended up staying often. Catherine travelled and, even when she was home, though she was a good mother and he never felt neglected, dinner with her loud family and little sisters was better than his mother quizzing him and talking about her day at the hospital. That pattern had lasted them all the way through high school and, then, into university. They had both stayed local for it, though Catherine had kicked up a fuss and said he could get into any university that he wanted to and what about your future, Jackson? But Jackson had never felt sure enough to answer any sort of question about his future and so he convinced his mother that if he could go to any school now, he could go to any school later.
April hadn't been quite ready to leave Ohio. She was still doing her nightly chores but she had convinced her little sisters to take over for her for the night, since she and Jackson had midterms coming up. They drank coffee and ate pie and tried not to let all of the cue cards blur together. At two a.m., she put her head on the table and Jackson had to move her hair away to keep it from getting in the remains of whipped cream.
"Should we go home?"
"I don't know it yet!"
"Yes, you do!" Jackson insisted. "Come on, I'll take you home."
"We'll meet back here and study tomorrow," she said.
"You take school way too seriously." It was only their first year. She didn't have to be so serious.
"Can I tell you something?"
"What?"
"I've been talking to your mom –"
"April, about what?"
"I want to be a doctor."
"What?"
"I've always been thinking about it, you know, being able to help people and make a difference and I was sharing that with her. I think I'm going to do it. I'm going to go to med school."
"Wow. That's –"
"Why I have to take school so seriously," she said earnestly. "I want to do this but I want to make sure that I can do this before I set myself up to fail."
"April, when was the last time you ever failed at something?"
"I don't want this to be the time I do." She blinked slowly and then sighed. "So, tomorrow morning?"
Jackson looked down at the mess across the table. Med school. April was ambitious enough to gun for med school all on her own, the very place that he knew he was going to end up. He didn't hate the thought of being a doctor and he thought that he could make a really good doctor, but he wished that he had the opportunity that April did: to make the decision all on his own.
"Tell you what, let's go back to my place. You can spend the night and then, as soon as you're up, you can wake me up and we'll get started again."
"We're still coming back here for breakfast."
"Yeah but this way you can quiz me in the car."
April smiled at him. "I love you, you know."
"I know."
April was free with saying 'I love you'. She said it to people she cared about, the animals she fed on a daily basis and the animals she fed on the streets. She was a bleeding heart with a soul of gold. She'd be a good doctor; she was a good friend. And he couldn't be happy with the fact that she was here for him at all because every time she said 'I love you' with that look of friendship in her big brown eyes, Jackson was still waiting for it to be something else.
He paid the bill while April gathered up their binders, packing away the papers but leaving the cue cards on top.
"I didn't say you could quiz me tonight," he groaned.
"Oh, come on, it'll let me know where we have to start in the morning."
"Excuses, excuses."
Jackson held the car door open for her.
"Define Schwann cell," she said, taking her seat and looking up at him.
"No."
He shut the car door and though he couldn't actually hear her laughing at him, he could definitely feel the fact that she was laughing at him. She was still grinning brightly when he took his spot in the car.
"Is it because you don't know?" she teased.
"I know what they are."
"So, tell me."
She was leaning on the centre console, so close that he could feel her body heat. He leant in toward her, their faces so close together that if Jackson just moved a fraction of an inch, he could kiss her. April had never kissed someone and he was wondering if she was hoping that her first kiss would be him. They were so close and Jackson moved a little bit, watching her eyes. Her eyelashes fluttered and then they shot open.
"So, tell me," she repeated, and Jackson's heart lodged in his throat.
"A glial cell. Wraps around the nerve fiber in the peripheral nervous system."
"And?" she prompted.
They were still close. He could smell the coffee they'd been drinking all night. He could be suave, he could say 'and I'd like to kiss you'. Instead, he chickened out, and gave up his chance. "and forms the myelin sheaths of the peripheral axons."
April didn't say anything. She didn't move either.
"Was I right?"
"Yeah." She sat back and the moment was completely broken. "You're too smart for me, Jackson. I wish I had your brain."
"Please. You and your studying is the only reason I know anything."
He started the car and their bantering went back to what it normally was.
And he just let it.
And I always wondered if she felt the same way
When I got the invite, I knew it was too late
Jackson hid the flask in his jacket pocket, knowing that Catherine would have his head on a platter if she knew. He could let his mother suspect whatever it was that she wanted but he couldn't let her know anything for sure.
"Jackson?" Catherine called. "Are you ready to go?"
"Yes. Are you?"
"No, almost!"
Well, that was a lie if Jackson had ever heard one. Catherine was beautiful and she wanted everyone to know it, though, objectively, Jackson could admit that it was a hard thing to miss. His mother wasn't out of place in her scrubs and wasn't afraid of getting her hands dirty when it came time to do it but when Catherine Avery left the house, she did so to make an impression, an April's wedding wasn't going to be an exception. Catherine loved April and would want to look her best for that very reason.
"Mother, you're beautiful. We can leave at any time."
"Flattery will get you nowhere!"
He rolled his eyes and walked toward his kitchen. He'd spent more than enough time being bored and staring into the refrigerator that it was where his feet took him. He didn't open it, just looked around at the glossy countertops and the sleek fridge. It was a monument to him: his child's drawings, report cards, and photographs. Anyone looking at it would be able to pinpoint the exact moment he and April had met, because, since that time, there was hardly a photograph that he was in alone. And, there, at the top, in the middle, was her wedding invitation.
Catherine thought Matthew was a good man. There wasn't a person alive who wouldn't agree. Matthew was … good. It was why it was so hard for Jackson to hate him because he couldn't come up with a reason why he should say that April should be with him instead. There were times he and April had gotten close, ways she had looked at him that Jackson knew he wasn't overthinking, and the fact that it had always been him and her. But it was like he kept telling himself and like he had told Mark Sloan last night. He had never had the courage to say something and she had found Matthew. A paramedic her mother had introduced her to at church, who liked the same boring things that she did, who was just good. He didn't have a temper or any kind of addiction. There wasn't even an argument they had that Jackson could point to and tell himself 'aha! See, they're not compatible after all!'.
It hurt because he knew that Matthew did love April too. It was so hard not to love April. And that was how he knew it would be so hard to let go of her. He hadn't thought that she and Matthew would last and so he hadn't tried to when she had first mentioned that they were going on a date. It was after their third date, when April had called him to say that they had their first kiss, that Jackson knew that something here was different. April had gone on a few, scattered first dates throughout university. Coffee with people in her study groups, mostly, and it had never gone far. He could only think of three people who had ever gotten a second date before they gently let each other down and went on their separate ways. She hadn't kissed anyone until then and he knew that it meant something to her.
Which meant Matthew meant something to her. And he was left to play supportive best friend. He thought that he had been strong enough to do it but the closer they got to the wedding, the more planning she was doing, and the more she talked about her dress, the less that he wanted it to happen. He had to let her go. He had to be that kind of friend. He couldn't be that person for her.
Maybe if he said it to himself enough then it would come true.
He finally heard Catherine's heels crossing the floor.
"Well, how do I look?" She spread out her arms and turned in a circle.
"You look great. You always look great, Mom."
Catherine grinned and patted his cheek. "I love you. You're such a good boy."
"Thanks."
"Do you have the wedding gifts?"
"Already in the car, Mom."
"Good. Good. Let's go!"
Jackson wished they didn't have to.
And I know, her daddy's been dreading this day
Oh, but he don't know he ain't the only one giving her away
"Mom! Alice won't get out of my way."
"Kimmie! Alice! You are too old to be acting this way!"
Jackson side-stepped April's younger sisters, calling out a greeting to Karen. April's mother turned and smiled happily, leaving a mixing bowl in Libby's capable hands so that she could hug Jackson.
"It's been forever since I've seen you!"
"It hasn't even been a month."
"I remember when I saw you every other day." She patted his chest. "April's out back with Joe."
"Thanks."
Jackson left through the back door, spotting April and her father, walking arm in arm in the distance. They were heading toward him and so he stuck his hands in his pockets and headed off at a steady pace, meeting them.
"Hey, how are you?" April asked, looking up at him.
"Good, great." He looked up from the ring on her finger. "Joe, how are you?"
"I'm great."
"April!" Kimmie screamed from the back door. "PHONE! MATTHEW!"
April perked up. "I'll meet you at the house."
She took off at a run, like she was a teenager with her first boyfriend, and Jackson and Joe fell into step with one another.
"Matthew," Joe said.
"You don't like him?" Jackson asked.
"No, I didn't say that. He's a good kid and Karen loves him and he loves the girls but … She's only twenty-two."
"I know."
"My girl's going to be a doctor," Joe said.
"She'll make it."
"I know. I think that she should get her degree before she marries that boy. If he loves her, he'll wait, but, what can I do? She's not a baby anymore and it was always hard to tell April what to do. She's always had such fire. You know that."
Jackson knew. It was easy to think that April could be pushed around. She was soft, sweet, and it was hard to convince her to look on the bad side of people. She had a spine of steel to match her unwavering faith.
"She'll be a doctor. She'll have that fire. April wouldn't let anyone take that from her."
"It's so quick too but it just sneaks up on you. Alice and Kimmie are starting to look at boys. It scares me. Libby was boy-crazy and I was so worried about April when she and you started spending all that time together."
Jackson and Joe slowed just feet from the house.
"I never had to worry about her when she was with you. You stayed kids together and that was a gift to her. She's still so innocent."
"Well, like you said, we're only twenty-two."
Jackson and Joe looked at each other for a minute and Joe went to open his mouth to say something else, but they were interrupted by April. Like Kimmie before her, she hung out the back door.
"Guys! Come on! Alice is going to eat everything!"
"I heard that!" yelled an indignant Alice from inside followed by Kimmie's devious snort of, "I think she meant for you too."
"Come on. Karen made steak. I know you love her marinade."
"I love of all of Karen's cooking."
Joe laughed and clapped him on the shoulder. "You're a good kid. Come on." He dropped his voice, "You know Alice will bite into our shares."
Jackson followed Joe into the Kepners' warm dining room, taking his usual seat next to April. He looked down at the ring on her finger again as she handed him the potatoes. Three months from now, she'd be a married woman and this spot would belong to Matthew, the man who was really going to belong to this family.
The way Jackson always felt he had.
I'll wear my black suit, black tie, hide out in the back
I'll do a strong shot of whiskey straight out the flask
I'll try to make it through without crying so nobody sees
April's wedding venue looked exactly like she had described it as being. Beautiful, rustic, the sun shining down just like it should be. Jackson carried the wedding gift that Catherine had carefully picked out and placed it on the edge of the table. On top of it, he placed the small bag that was his gift to April. Cheesy though it might have been, he had collected all of the school notes that they had spent hours passing back and forth. He had made sure that he ended up with most of them and he had spent the week leading up to the wedding collecting them. He knew that April would think it cute and sweet. He knew how she would hug him later, thanking him and laughing about the silly things that had consumed him back then. She'd want to sit down and read them with him.
His whiskey haze early this morning had almost written down a confession note to her, putting it right on top and then handing it to her before she could say her vows. It was a thought that had sat heavily on his mind and if Jackson was a lesser person or if he wasn't so honestly in love with her, he might have done it. But he knew that he would never forgive himself if he told her by ruining the real day of.
He moved by the gift table, into the spacious barn. Guests were haphazardly sitting in their rows, mostly bunched around and talking, waiting for the signal that they should take their seats. It was mostly family, a few scattered friends. Catherine was talking with Libby's husband and it wasn't hard to spot Mark Sloan, leaning against the wall of the barn. Jackson moved through the throng of Matthew's family to approach the older man.
"I didn't think you'd actually be here."
"You have to do what Catherine Avery says," Mark said. "She's a great woman, though. I wouldn't come to Ohio for someone who –"
"Wasn't an Avery?"
"Not that much of a scumbag," Mark insisted. "I was going to say who didn't demand so much respect from the people around her. She didn't think very highly of me when we met. I'm a plastic surgeon."
"Ah, yes.
"She doesn't think it's quite the same level."
"No, but Mom's on a very different level than most people."
"We had to team up on a case. She could do her thing, of course, but, uh, it wasn't going to look very pretty down there when she was done, if you know what I mean, and the man had a little more pride than that. She said I have steady hands."
"High praise."
"I like to think of us as friends. I don't know if she'd agree yet but I came all the way to Ohio for her so I have to be closing in on that, right?"
Jackson shrugged. "The only person who knows my mother's mind is my mother."
"True of all women," Mark said. "Speaking of women, how's yours?"
"We're at her wedding."
"So, did she turn you down or did you not take my advice?"
"It wasn't right. If she loves him and she wants to marry him …"
"She's not married yet. If she loves you, if you love her …"
"You married?"
"No."
"I rest my case."
"All right but you were the one begging me for advice last night. Imagine I'm your son."
"I don't sound like that!" Jackson exclaimed, loud enough that a man turned to glare at him. "Also, I didn't say I was your son and it wasn't the right advice."
"Ah, so your … How old are you? Sixteen?"
"Twenty-two."
"Same difference in stupidity levels," Mark said dismissively. "Anywhere, was I?"
"You were telling me why I was stupid not to take your advice."
"Right. Your whole twenty-two years of experience means more than my well-lived years on this earth."
"You don't even look that old."
"I'm like a fine wine."
Jackson wasn't sure where he was going with that and he dropped the subject, grateful that Catherine was walking their way.
Yes, she wanna get married
But she don't wanna marry me
"Well, you two look like you're having a serious conversation. Room for one more?"
"Kid needed some manly advice."
"Oh?" Catherine's eyebrows nearly reached her hairline and Jackson wanted to elbow Mark and tell him to shut the hell up. "What kind of manly advice would that be?"
"Mark's telling me about being a plastic surgeon in case I'm interested in that route."
Catherine glanced at Mark who started to look sheepish.
"I think I hear someone calling my name. Do you hear that?"
"You don't know anybody here," Jackson pointed out.
"All the more reason why I should go investigate it," Mark said, and then he was gone before Jackson could grab him to use as a human shield.
"Sit with me, honey," Catherine said, taking one of the closest seats to them. Jackson had no choice but to take the chair next to her. "What's on your mind?"
"Nothing. April. It's her wedding day."
He didn't like the way that Catherine was looking at him, like she was seeing everything that he had been trying not to say.
"Are you happy for her?"
"What kind of question is that?"
"Don't deflect."
"I'm happy that she's happy."
"But?" Catherine prompted.
"I didn't say 'but'."
"No. I heard 'but'. Jackson, I've watched you and April grow up. I think I've noticed more than you wanted me to."
"But I thought that, somehow, in the end, she'd be happy with me." Jackson couldn't quite look Catherine in the eye. "I missed my chance."
"Yes, you did."
"Mom!"
"Well, I'm not going to lie to you."
"I'm not going to do anything stupid. I just … I'm trying to get through today, that's all."
"Then what?"
"Then, I figure out how to really be happy for her. She's my best friend. She's still my best friend."
"Of course. She'll always be your best friend."
The longing in his heart overwhelmed. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"I am here, Jackson, if you ever need to talk about it."
"I know but I don't. I can't. I –"
He looked up as Libby walked into the barn, gesturing at he and Catherine.
"April's out front. She wants to see some people before Matthew arrives and people need to take their places."
"We're on our way," Catherine said warmly. When Libby went to collect some people loitering on Matthew's side, she turned back to Jackson. "Coming?"
"I need a second to breathe."
As soon as his mother was out of sight, he took a shot of the whiskey.
But she got on her dress now, welcoming the guests now
I could try to find her, get it off of my chest now
But I ain't gonna mess it up, so I wish her the best now
He couldn't stay. The realization hit him as soon as the warmth of the whiskey did. He couldn't stay and watch her get married and face the realization yet that she was gone. Best friends or not, she was going to be a married woman and things were going to change. Matthew was going to take his place in so many aspects and gone were the days of spending hours together and falling asleep on top of one another because they were watching a movie. There wouldn't be anymore impromptu daytrips in his car or helping April with her chores because she was moving into the apartment that Matthew was renting until they decided where to buy a house.
He couldn't watch her say 'I do' and he wondered how long it was going to take her to forgive him for that. Maybe she wouldn't notice. It was her wedding day. She was going to have bigger things to think about than where in the audience he was sitting.
Jackson headed for the altar, glad to see a backdoor. He felt for the flask and then decided against another sip before sneaking out the back door. He looked around the side of the barn and caught sight of April, her red hair pinned back and her white wedding dress everything that she had ever dreamt it would be. She was so beautiful and she looked so happy, talking to Catherine and Mark while her mother checked the time on her phone. His stomach flipped and he took a step toward her.
If you love someone, you tell them.
No. He wasn't going to take this away from her. It was what he had told himself all along and he wasn't going to second guess himself at zero hour. He stepped back behind the barn, watching her for another minute as she looked over her shoulder, where Catherine was talking to Karen, and then she looked back at Mark, who was still standing in front of her. He clasped a hand on her shoulder and she looked down at her bouquet. April stood up a little straighter and turned and looked toward the entrance of the barn and that was when Jackson knew he had to go. He stuck his hands in his pockets and leapt over the fence boarding the property, taking the short walk toward the town centre. He took another shot along the way.
What did he have to lose now?
So I'm in my black suit, black tie, hiding out in the back
Doing a strong shot of whiskey straight out the flask
I'll try to make it through without crying so nobody sees
Jackson took a seat on the bench facing the diner they had frequented during high school. He looked down at his watch. The wedding march might have started by now. It probably had. He looked up at the sun. It was a warm day and he knew he should be sweltering in his suit but all of him just felt empty and cold.
He closed his eyes and he could hear the notes of the music as clearly as if he were sitting in that barn. She was going to be on her father's arm with her bouquet of magnolias and she was getting everything she ever wanted. It was no less than she deserved and Jackson truly hoped that it was the happiest day of her life. He picked at his pant leg and then, not having anything else to do, he reached into his pocket and pulled the flask out. He was finding that he didn't really enjoy the taste of whiskey but he liked the feeling that it left him with.
Had she and Joe made it down the aisle yet? Was her hand placed in Matthew's? Had the preacher started his vows?
Probably.
He wondered if he had made a mistake, leaving. If the sitting here and imagining what she was doing was truly worse than seeing it play out in real time. April got married and he was watching blades of grass sway in the wind, thinking about high school and trying to pinpoint the exact moment that he should have said something, let the feelings that he'd been carrying come pouring out and how he should have been her first kiss. It wasn't fair to think. It wasn't fair to assume that she would have liked him back but he honestly thought that, at least one point in their years of friendship, that she had liked him back and if he'd had courage at that moment, it would have been their happily ever after.
He unscrewed the top of the flask.
She'd probably said 'I do' by now.
He wondered how drunk he'd be by the end of the flask.
"JACKSON!"
Yes, she wanna get married
Yes, she gonna get married
But she ain't gonna marry me
April?
"JACKSON!"
Jackson shot to his feet, turning slightly, and there she was. His heart stopped in his chest because she was running toward him, her shoes in one hand, the other holding up the billowing white skirts of her wedding dress.
"April?" he whispered.
"JACKSON!" she yelled again.
"April!"
He started running toward her too and was more than ready for when they met in the middle. His arms went tight around her waist and her picked her up into a hug. She smelt of soft, floral perfume and he buried his face in her neck, inhaling deeply.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, putting her down on her bare feet. "You're getting married."
"I know! I was!" Half-hysterical looking, April heaved for breath and gripped onto his forearms. "But I was standing there and I was facing Matthew but I was looking for you. I read all those notes from high school. The wedding music started and I was reading notes from eleventh grade and then I was walking with my dad and everything was exactly how I had wanted it and it was all I wanted except … Except, it wasn't because I was thinking of your mom's date."
"Mark Sloan? Why were you thinking of Mark Sloan?"
"He came to talk to me before the wedding when you didn't." She shook his arms. "Do you know what he said to me? I couldn't stop thinking about it and you know what, he was right?"
"What did he say?"
"About how if you love someone, you say it and yell at and it doesn't matter how scared you are, you have to say it."
"Yeah, I think I've heard that somewhere before."
"It was supposed to be easy. A good man who loved me and God? Matthew's amazing! So, when I think: who am I standing up to say I love? The answer should be my fiancé, right? But it wasn't. It was you. I couldn't think of Matthew, I couldn't breathe. I wanted to love him so bad but it's not him."
"I love you," Jackson blurted before she could.
A slow smile spread over her face and she blinked, tears clinging to the ends of her lashes. "I was really hoping you were going to say that."
"Do you love me too?"
She had run away from her own wedding, all but confessed it without actually saying the words, but he needed to hear it. He wouldn't be able to make himself believe it if he didn't hear her say it.
"Jackson, I love you too."
He grabbed her up in his arms again and spun her around, her lips meeting his. Her hands slid through his short, curly hair and she laughed as he put her down, her lips still tingling.
"What's so funny?"
"I'm a runaway bride! Me!" She looked half-hysterical and Jackson knew her well-enough to know what was coming.
He took both of her hands.
"What do we do now!?" she asked.
"Whatever we want to. You've got me, April."
Joy broke through her worry. "Whatever we want?"
"Whatever we want. What do you want to do?"
She thought for a second and then she kissed him again.
Whoa, but she ain't gonna marry me, no
Unedited.
The song is Marry Me by Thomas Rhett. I've been thinking of doing a companion from April's perspective. Let me know if anyone is interested.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Marry Me, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash marry dash me. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~