Title: Eyes. Thoughts. Heart
Rating: PG 13 / R for some language
Summary: While dealing with the shadows of her life, Callie was told to do some processing. References of past events in the life of Dr. Torres might be metioned in this fic.
Disclaimer: Characters and refences to Grey's Anatomy all property of ABC and Shonda Rhimes.
A/N: This is Callie's journal. A bit of insight of how she sees life, what are her thoughts, and how the heart process all. All critics, good or bad, are well accepted.
"Easy? Comfortable? That's what you have to said for this ... Blasphemy? And you still have the face to call me and ask for acceptance and tell me that you are in love with that woman? You are no daughter of mine ..."
I keep replaying that over and over and over in my head 'no daughter of mine' ...
I was a geek, a dork, I was anti-social, and that was high school. Once in college things changed (call it hormones). Hell, I was a slut! One different guy every 2 nights. That was the rule, grab him, take him, and kick him. Love was a too complicated "job" for me at that time, until I met this guy named Axel. 3 years in college, he was in his first year and ... I don't know. In that moment, was this tingling that goes from your heart to between your legs and you believe is love? Yeah, that.
So we were in a relationship, for 6 months, he got quite popular cuz he tamed the easy A of campus, they said, and then, after I declared my love for him, all he had to said was that he cheated. Just like that. I became, not a slut, but ... The bitch. Yep. For a whole year before I was gone of that horrible place.
Ok! To the point. So you already know about George, and Erica and blah blah blah, we talk every night, don't we? Well, now I am really in love, as you know, and its ... A roll coaster? A crack high? A nightmare? A dream? I ... I don't know. I really don't. I have the one person who has lifted me in ways that are no human. I tried to find, to go way back to when I started with her and is just, all. Every bit. Every little thing, every detail, every I love you, every time we make love is ... An experience of their own.
But I've lost not much, but a significant part of me ...
So here I am, sitting on the roof of my amazing place of work. Where I become a hero. A god. I save lives, bring smiles to families; I bring hope to the human kind *insert Star Wars theme here*. Here I'm someone better, even with the lost of the lives of patients. Here is where I can be me, and only me, and not get judge about it.
This might surprise you but I'm smoking. Is a little shocking, even for me but, the thing is I needed to feel the taste of nicotine and menthol on my tongue and all the way down my throat and deep to my lungs. It kills, and I know. Man, do I know, but is like a release. I feel like I'm in therapy with myself, and no, I am not high.
So why I'm smoking? Let's go to the first paragraph of all this shit I've written on you tonight.
That's the last call I made to my dad and how it ended almost a month ago. Isn't it lovely?
I know he doesn't hate me, I know he does still loves me but is unsettling. Unsettling that those words came out of him. That, right now, I don't know where we stand, if he's going to forgive me ... I know he loves me but, in the mean time, what the hell I'm supposed to live with myself?
Love bussiness is bullshit. Period... That is until I go home and see my hot amazing and awesome girlfriend, so nevermind.
Arizona told me to process. That I wasn't talking, that I was faking life, those were her words and the pain and worry in her eyes cut me deep and nicely. That I was beginning to be like a robot and that I was losing my SHINE ... I will never get that side of her.
The thing is, that one month later, I'm here, writting this down cuz ... Well, I miss him. I do. And I'm an adult. In a relationship with an amazing woman. Who loves me, surround with people who only want the best for me but ... I miss him.
He was my backbone, the one I could lean on for so many times and, now is like ... If I lean, I will fall hard on my ass. And I feel like, somehow, I've failed him. All the plans he had, I crushed them with this but I can't change. Being with Arizona has showed me that saying no is always an option and that, if you want, you should take it.
Oh! I got a page. But we will keep talking about this when I'm done.
C