I can't believe I'm at such a point in my life. I don't wanna live anymore. What's the point? I'm not gonna go anywhere in life, and god I wish I could just escape. Yeah, you hear that God? You, up there so high. Please take me. This life is to scary for a wimp like me. Sure other people have worser problems than mines, There are little kids that are fighting to survive. Ones with skin, lung, heart diseases. God please take some girl or boys cancer and give it to me, let them be free to live the life that every child should be able to live. I've lived my childhood, and now at the age of 15, I can't. I just can't. Period. My mom and my brother they say, it's ok. You failed Freshman year, it's normal, just focus and you'll pass. Lies. Sure, I'm not dumb. Not even. But I won't go back there,to that hell of a public school. I know so many kids don't have the opprutunity to go there. But I had it, and I wish I never did, I wish I could give it to someone else. It's terrifying. Anxiety creeps over me even when I think about it. All the people, with judging eyes. They can see how frightened I am. Why? Why, can't I be fearless like..Taylor swift, or the cheerleader in blue and gold. Is it because I was teased when I was young? It couldn't be, because that only made me strong. I didn't think they'd hurt me. Not at all. I just..can't. And that's why I don't deserve to live. I need a remedy, could those pills really help this type of deep dark anxiety? I don't know. I don't know anything, and everything is happening oh so fast. Summer is at it's end, and why do I have to go back there? Can I run away? No. I have nowhere to go. Home won't feel like home anymore. Because I will refuse to go. Hell, I'd rather get tooken by the police, get thrown into juvy or something crueler than that. Suicide won't be that far out of reach. Just get one of the jailguards guns, pull the trigger. Bang. I'm done. God that'd be great. Thinking about killing myself it makes me smile. And really I am just hiding from my problems. And all my problems may seem so simple and stupid to you but to me. They are giants. Hideous, gimangous giants. That I can't fight. I can't beat them, they're clawing me down,and with ever scratch, I bleed more and die a little more inside. I can't even watch my favorite tv show without feeling an emptiness so deep in my soul. Yet my mom says, I have to keep going. Why? For her. Just to please her. What type of mom takes pleasure in seeing their daughter suffer so badly? She undestands. Yeah. OF course she does. Yet she says I still have to go, to that place, that hell, that is burning me to pieces, smitherens every single day. I'm not protected. I have no armor. And I'm melting slowly. I can't be myself, my personality, my smile, they are all gone. And now I'm all synthetic. All fake. Sure I can feel happy, for one second, watching seddie. But then it fades, and I'm being phony once again putting on a brave façade for my brother, for my dad. For my mom, even though, she probably sees through me. I cry, when I talk about it, but now typing it, I feel no emotions. Not a bit of sadness, nor bitterness or Anger. Because that's just how it is. If only I were dead. If only. Heres a knife. Stab me, right in the heart, it's not like it's functioning. What good could It do? I'm going nowhere in my life. I don't think I'll ever go anywhere, except for to the streets of Chicago when my mom kicks me out at 18 (If I even make it to that age) I'll be a prostitute..ha. No. That's a laugh. Nobody would want to touch something as hideous as this. I'll just..be a begger. Cup in my hand, asking for help. Like. A hobo..but not even the good kind. I'll die alone, hopefully sooner than later.
A/N : So..just letting out how I feel. Review if you can give me some help, or mabe if you have ever felt the same way? Idk. I doubt someone has. Im a freak of nature.