A long time ago, Man did some stupid crap, and so an appropriately chastizing angel had to guard the hypothetical land of Eden for quite a bit.

Said angel stood at the gates with the sword setting set to "flaming" for what seemed like an eternity. The human concept of boredom or restlessness did not occur to him; he was one of the Highest's most powerful servants, and was created well, even if not exactly in His image.

One day, a flock of angels came up to Eden from Earth. One spotted the lone guardian. They began whispering amongst themselves. Presently, Lucifer, Michael and a thoroughly besotted Azazel flew up to address the angel.

"Were you here the whole time?" asked Lucifer.

"You missed an interesting journey Down there," said Michael.

"Slender like a dream..." gurgled Azazel.

The angel appeared to puff up like a dove. "I have been quite busy. What, pray tell, have you all been up to?" He glanced with dove-like curiosity at Azazel.

"Sex!" cried Azazel. "Loads'n'loads!"

The angel quirked its head.

"A most heavenly past-time," Michael said, blushing. "Now I can truly understand His will in creating thus..."

The angel looked to Lucifer. "We invited everybody," said the handsome angel. "All the hosts, the powers, the principalities, even that spoilsport Metatron. They all had a good time."

"I thought you'd invited everyone, Lucifer," said Michael, pondering. "But you'd keenly forgotten this faithful one."

"All ish ash God willsh..."

"My pardons, you three, but what is this 'sex'?" asked the angel.

The three looked at him in silence. "It is unfathomable," said Michael.

"Like the Lord?"

"Not... exactly."

"Quite exactly!" Lucifer said, laughing. "Who would have known that such an experience comes from such anatomical necessities! It is the perfect sublimation of the Lord's will on the world below. Heck, some angels are practically giving themselves human genitalia to continue the experiments up here."

"Nothing can be more perfect than the Lord."

"Oh, surely," said Michael. "After all, the... 'sex' act lends itself to certain imperfect situations."

"Like sticking it up an animal's behind," said Lucifer, looking at Michael.

"That was clearly an accident!" squawked an offended Micheal. "Never again shall such an abomination come to pass!"

"Seriously though, I was probably the most drunk back there, but even I could tell pig ass from human."

The angel finally looked like it was interested. "Can you teach me the sex, then?"

"Sure! Let me just head on home, wash up... I'll be back here quick, so be ready." Lucifer flew off. Azazel followed. Michael also left, after doing a routine inspection of the angel's charge.

The angel was left yet again in silence. It thought on the sex, and on the thought of having been left behind, even by that Metatron. Miracle of miracles to get that one off his desk in the High Reaches.

Unfortunately, all thoughts of the "sex" evaporated when the angel heard the Summons. It flew up, irresistibly, way Up to the Highest One's presence.

"Some of your brethren have committed abominations below," the Presence said in booming, James Earl Jones (though the angel wouldn't get the comparison until much much later) voice. "Enforce my Will: that these creatures never be allowed to exist on the beautiful earth."

"Is this related to the 'sex'?" the angel asked.

"Go."

So the angel went down, thoroughly missing Lucifer's appointment, and rained fire and brimstone upon the children of angels. He was pretty good at it; he was made well. Only in the end did he stop and think to ask anyone down here about the "sex", but no one could answer.

When he returned to Heaven, he found a lot of things had changed. There'd been some sort of coup, for some reason, and fully a third of the host had left Heaven for greener pastures.

But he didn't forget he still had his appointment. After making inquiries, he approached Lucifer while he was debating something with Michael at the Lower Reaches of Heaven. It sounded serious, but he had to know.

"I'm here, Lucifer. Let's go down."

"Don't!" cried Gabriel, an angel, who held him back. "Lucifer and his folk are anathema now."

"Is this because of the 'sex'?"

"What? No!" And she proceeded to explain the matter of Lucifer to him.

Then, some stuff happened and Lucifer and the group of angels behind him all fell from Heaven. He wrenched himself free from Gabriel's grasp and stood at the precipice, looking down into the depths.

He turned to Michael. "Can you teach me the sex?" After a long pause, the other angel disappeared in a flutter of feathers.

The ex-guard of Eden had other duties to fulfill. He was proud to say he did these well. The Flood, Sodom, Gomorrah, Egypt, Judaea—he was faithful. And busy.

Once, he approached a Great Personage in Babylon.

"Sure, I'll teach you the sex," said the lady. She looked vaguely Greek. "Before that, could you scrawl this message on that wall over there?" She pointed to a space before a reclining king and his retainers.

"Then will I know the sex?"

"Sure." He went and scrawled.

The angel was punished for directly intervening in history without God's consent, though He was able to exert damage control by having a mortal interpret the Greek goddess' insult about the Babylonian pantheon's virility into something appropriate.

The angel was made to write lines, like a scribe, alongside the insufferable Metatron. He was made to do this for a few centuries, give or take.

While there, the question kept eating at him, and his angelly mind was filled with quite-unangel-like imaginations about what sex meant.

Once, he asked: "Tell me about the sex," to which Metatron said, "No."

Eventually his sentence was done, and he was let out on Earth to administer yet another round of killings. Before that, though, he begged a leave of absence from the Boss.

"I want a leave of absence," he told the Presence.

"Alright," He replied.

Elated, he pursued his agenda with zeal. Though because he'd forgotten his flaming sword, he resorted to using other means to kill off humanity. All in all, the Black Death did as well as he'd hoped, even if there was none of the usual fire.

Speaking of fires, he was approached by certain dragons during his ministry.

"They tell us you sit close to your boss," said one.

"Not anymore. They reassigned me," he replied.

"Could you, maybe, probably tell Him to keep his angels in check time and again? You folks have been fighting amongst yourselves a lot and it's getting pretty bad for business. Not," the dragon hastened to add, seeing the blank look on his face (misconstruing it as rage) "—that your present occupation isn't right and proper. Oh no. We agree that humans need to be reined in to somewhat counter their rabbit-like tendencies to reproduce... All the sex they get all up to—"

"Excuse me," he interrupted. "But do the humans know much of this sex?"

"Oh, yes quite a lot, in fact. More than we dragons, or any of the gods and goddesses around. They'll say the best lays are with the puny humans."

"There he goes, that boob-obsessed drake!" shouted a dragon from behind.

"Shut up!"

Such was the idea newly stuck in his brain. He knew he could find his answer in humans. He had a lot of time to think about the problem while he was sent to guard Eden again—for failing to kill all humans as commanded.

Eventually, something broke. All the years of pushing his holy featherbrain towards solving the concept propagated by Messrs. Michael, Lucifer and Azazel all those millenia ago had now alighted upon the most appropriate solution of all.

Had there been a lightbulb atop his head, it would have lit up; instead the halo on top of his head brightened ever so slightly.

"I have to be a human, for just a while," he decided. He didn't know how to proceed. But he could use his vacation time to find out how.

With his sentence done, he asked of his Boss the leave he was promised.

"Sure, go ahead," said the Presence. It appeared distracted.

He went around Heaven, but found it empty. He hoped to find an angel who knew how to become human.

He went down to Hell, but that was empty too.

He went on down to Earth, searching for a way to become a human, for just a while.

He came across the dragon who'd spoken to him awhile back. "I want to be a human," he announced.

"I'm kind of busy here," grunted the dragon. The angel didn't notice, but the dragon seemed gravely wounded.

"Only for a while."

"That sounds interesting."

"It is so I can learn of the sex."

"Seriously, I'm bleeding out here and here you are talking about s-s-sex."

"Would you happen to know how?"

"To have sex? Nope."

"That's too bad. Also, I meant about becoming a human."

"Sure, all you need are- wait aren't you an angel?"

"I don't know how."

"Are you shitting me?"

"I do not have the requisite parts. I do not eat, hence I do not defecate."

"Alright, shut up for a bit. Let me think."

The angel waited.

"Alright," said the dragon. "I'll help. And you'll help."

Some decades later (though it wasn't apparent to the angel), Issei Hyoudou was born. While on the outside he was quite a normal child, inside the angel and the dragon waited. The latter rested, while the former guided the flesh-body's functions.

"Alright, you're going to have to follow my lead." said the dragon. "We might have to wait a while."

"How long?"

"Sixteen, maybe eighteen years."

"Oh, not that long then."

"Right."

"And by then I'll have learned the sex?"

"By then you'll have all the sex you want. But only on that time."

"That sounds fair."

"I'm Ddraig, by the way."

"My name is only the Lord's. But you can call me Raziel."

"Nope! Sorry, wrong. You're Issei now."

"Oh, of course. Yes, I'm Issei. For a while."

"Let me sleep a bit, then I'll walk you through this tricky phase to humanhood. I think they call it the baby phase. Be warned, it can get tedious."

"Try sitting next to Metatron for a long while. That's tedious."

AN:

Drafted by Shurpuff, proofread and edited by Honore (Merlin).

May or may not be continued.

Thanks for reading!