Disclaimer: As always I own nothing but the original characters and the situations all characters find themselves in. Everything else belongs to someone else and I hope you enjoy and let me know what you think.

To my friend Lena for Xmas, as she has a great fondness for Chairman Meow.

Tail Of Two Cats

Everyone knows that cats were worshipped in Ancient Egypt like gods. Those Egyptians, they were smart people. The Christians don't worship us the way they should, but they gave us the Christmas I am currently celebrating so I forgive them for being a little dim otherwise. We cats are so totally worth worshipping and anyone who says differently is either a dog or a dog lover. Both are stupid and should not be allowed to give their opinion on any subject other than how to be stupid.

And I, especially, am a cat worthy of worship and admiration. I go by many names, in case you were wondering. Many awe inspiring, powerful, and really impressive names.

But you can call me Chairman Meow.

Chairman Meow is the name my pet gave me; I could have probably come up with something even better. My pet is a warlock named Magnus Bane, you might have heard of him. He's almost as famous and awesome as I am. I think he's a pretty awesome pet, except when he's trying to trim my claws or fur. I get more than a little testy when he does that. Thankfully Magnus hasn't done that in a while since Alec came into his life. Alec is my new pet. He helps me keep Magnus in line and distracts him from doing those sorts of horrible things to me. Magnus is too busy trying to make Alec bright and glittery for the holidays to worry about me. I love my new pet, but if it's every creature for himself in this case.

I would be on cloud nine now that I have Alec for a pet too, but there's one problem with my Alec that keeps me from those cloudy heights. And that's the fact that he comes with baggage. Furry baggage. And like anyone with my level of awesomeness, I have enemies; and my greatest enemy is the creature who also calls Alec his pet.

Church.

I've only known him for a few weeks and already I can say that I've never hated a cat more. I might even hate him more than most dogs. He wasn't even supposed to be living with me and my pets, but apparently he missed Alec so much that Alec's mother asked if HE couldn't come live with us too.

Unfortunately no one asked me.

I'm just thankful that we don't have to live in the same loft. If we did I'd go bald from stress. And I would not look good bald.

Alec bought the loft the one Magnus and I share and my two pets knocked out the wall between their bedrooms, which was the only room they apparently wanted to share. And I couldn't exactly blame the Shadowhunter for not just moving in with us, Magnus's floors are often sticky and there aren't a lot of nice things to sit on the way there is in Alec's loft. Magnus says there's not enough color in Alec's loft, and maybe there isn't, but there are lots of comfy things to sit on and the floors are always clean. I never stick to them the way I sometimes do to Magnus's. I hate when that happens.

But now I have to stay on Magnus's side as much as possible because Church never leaves Alec's place. In fact, he took one look outside the shared bedroom and turned tail for Alec's side so fast he was a blur. He hadn't been back since then as far as I know.

And being that awesome, I know everything.

"You don't know everything, you fluffy twit."

)

Chairman Meow could feel his white fur start to stand on end even more than usual as he turned around to see his enemy strolling towards him like he owned the place. Which, since they were in Alec loft, Church thought he did. Chairman Meow's nemesis considered Alec's side his side since Alec had been his pet first. Chairman Meow was sure that Alec loved him more, but Church refused to believe him. Church really was that stupid and deluded. The fluffy white cat was sure that there must be some dog in the other cat's family tree somewhere. It was the only logical explanation for the fat feline's gross stupidity in Chairman's mind.

"What do you want, Church?"

"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that question? This is not your side of the residence."

Like he was going to take that stuffy attitude of his?

Chairman puffed up with plenty of his own attitude as he glared at the other cat. "Alec is just as much my pet as he is yours, Church, and that means I can come here whenever I want. And FYI, I own this place as much as you do. More then you, in fact, since MY pets own both lofts together and you say Magnus isn't yours. And furthermore, Magnus's loft is slightly bigger than Alec's so that means I own more of our 'residence' than you do!"

"It's funny that size matters to you, given how small you are."

At this point Chairman Meow would have charged and bit Church, but the Persian had shown himself to be very good at swatting him around like a fluffy ball of yarn until someone made him stop. This was just one of the many reasons why Chairman hated him, for anyone who was wondering. Not that it wasn't obvious in the white cat's eyes.

So Chairman Meow was reduced to hissing at Church, which the other cat never took seriously. The big meanie.

And sure enough, the bastard just rolled his eyes at him and turned around to go back the way he'd come. Chairman Meow especially hated when Church did that because Church always waved his tail back and forth when he left, reminding Chairman of a matador waving the red flag in front of the bull, daring him to try something.

"I hate you, Church!"

"Again with you deluding yourself into thinking I care."

Chasing after Church, which was a lot harder to do than it should have been, it didn't surprise Chairman Meow in the least that the other cat was heading straight for Alec. Church just loved to kiss up to Alec when he was around, just to rub it in his face that Alec has been his pet longer then he'd been Chairman's. And he couldn't even rub in the fact that Magnus had been his pet longer because for some reason Church didn't WANT Magnus for a pet, the white cat silently fumed. Not that Church objected to Magnus petting him and stuff, but Church was apparently a one pet sort of cat.

Chairman Meow considered this more proof that Church was messed in the head.

Alec was in his living room by his tastefully decorated Christmas tree, stretched out on his leather couch while reading a book. The Shadowhunter loved that couch a lot and Church did too. They often cuddled up in it while listening to music or reading or watching television. Chairman Meow didn't like seeing them all cuddly like that because then he felt left out. He couldn't get up on the couch unless someone helped him, since he wasn't allowed to use his claws to climb it. Alec didn't mind picking him up, but Church smirked at him when Alec did that which really got under his fur.

After all, Chairman Meow thought to himself grumpily, it wasn't his fault that he was sho- not as big as Church.

And who wanted to be a fat giant anyway?

But luck was with Chairman this time because Alec noticed him coming up to the couch right away and put his book aside, stroking Church with one hand while he lowered the other to the floor so that Chairman could use his hand as his personal elevator.

Then Chairman Meow was placed on Alec's stomach beside Church and the Shadowhunter petted them both really well, just the way they liked it. They loved when Alec stroked them because he was always really slow and gentle when he petted them, not like other people who gave them a quick pat on the head and then shooed them on their way. Alec was the slow and steady sort and they loved him for it.

Chairman Meow glared when he heard a familiar snicker beside him, reminding him again of Alec's main flaw. Turning his head Chairman hissed at Church, annoyed beyond words that the damn cat existed in his world. There was always such a superior air about Church, even though there was nothing superior about him. It really, really pissed Chairman off.

"What are you snickering about?" Chairman Meow demanded to know, trying to focus on the smug jerk, which was hard since Alec was scratching him behind his ears. He really, really loved that and couldn't help but purr like mad.

"I'm snickering at you. What else?"

Just another example of why he hated the other cat, Chairman thought darkly. Which was why he thought that someone should have done the world a favor and drowned Church by now. Or better yet, turned Church into a dog so that he wouldn't be such a disgrace to the entire cat race. But no, not only was Church a cat, but he was a cat Chairman knew he was going to be stuck with forever.

He was not looking forward to that at all.

)

Having lived for over a hundred years Church thought it safe to say that he knew a thing or two more than the average cat. That Chairman Meow was the strangest cat he'd ever met said something about how bizarre a cat the fluff ball really was. The white cat didn't annoy him the way he apparently annoy Chairman though. He actually found the other cat more than a little entertaining.

Who wouldn't find a living Q-tip amusing?

He didn't even mind sharing Alec with Chairman Meow, since it seemed like a small price to pay for getting to live with his favorite pet. He definitely did not want to go back to the Institute without Alec. Not that it hadn't been a great place to live, but once Alec was gone…well there was no one there that the Persian had wanted to cuddle up with. Alec's parents rarely paid attention to him even when they were home and as for Jace, well Church liked to see as little of him as possible. Isabelle's wasn't so bad, but she tended to forget about him when she was dating someone which was often. Though she was as funny as Chairman Meow when she was drunk, he'd give her that.

But still, Church loved Alec best.

"He loves me more, you know."

Rolling his eyes at the other cat's statement Church considered ignoring him, but Chairman Meow usually went nuts when he did that. And as fun as that was to do, he wasn't in the mood to fight with him at the moment. He just wanted to be stroked and that wasn't going to happen if they got into one of their spats. Alec didn't like it when they fought. Plus it was almost Christmas, which meant goodwill towards all men and cats.

"He loves Magnus most." Church pointed out with a knowing smirk, leaning in to Alec's scratching fingers.

Church could see how much this annoyed the little furball, which was no surprise. How could the furball argue after all? Alec and Magnus might be their pets, but the two belonged to each other first and they both knew it. Their pets had a bond that even someone with a brain as small as Chairman's could see.

Not that Church thought Chairman Meow was dumb, but given how small the other cat was his brain couldn't be much bigger than a pea.

"Are you two getting along today?" Alec asked his pets, looking down at them in amusement as he scratched the two cats behind their ears.

Together the two cats nodded for their pet's sake, Alec giving them a look that said he didn't buy their agreement. Fooling their pet was not an easy thing to do. Of course Alec and Magnus had no idea how bad things were, since they weren't smart enough to speak cat, but they were reasonably intelligent for their kind and had picked up on the cats' less than friendly vibes.

)

At that point Magnus appeared to drag Alec off the couch so that they could head to his side of their home for his big Christmas party. Magnus had been talking about this particular party all week so Church knew there was no chance he was going to get to spend his evening lazing around with Alec. Nope, Alec was being dragged off to said party whether he liked it or not. The warlock had been decorating for it all afternoon and Alec had only gotten out of that because Magnus had quickly realized that decorating wasn't Alec's forte.

Church really, really hoped Alec wouldn't have to dress up his head like Magnus's for the party. The warlock was wearing antlers and had dyed his hair red with green and white sparkly tips. The man had also somehow colored his lips to look like a red and white candy cane. Church found that fact particularly disturbing.

"He better not put sparkles all over my pet tonight." Church grumbled, more to himself than to Chairman as they were set on the floor by Magnus, so that the warlock could tug a reluctant Alec to his feet.

"There's nothing wrong with sparkles." Chairman Meow shot back, even though he hoped that too. Alec was always a little cranky when he had to spend a lot of time removing the sparkles he always seemed to end up decorated with. Alec never let Magnus put much sparkly stuff on him, but Magnus tended to rub off on Alec literally.

Church's expression said he didn't believe that for a minute. "Then why don't you leave me alone and go roll around in some of those sparkles?" The Persian suggested, thinking that a break from the pissy cat would be a really nice early Christmas present.

"Maybe I will."

And with that Chairman Meow headed off to join the party, leaving Church behind.

)

Chairman Meow really regretted his decision to join Magnus's party two hours later when he ran into the main bedroom, not stopping as he headed straight for the door that led into Alec's side of the loft. Leaving a trail of glitter behind him Chairman Meow hurled himself through the cat door flap and headed for the stairs that led down to the main floor. Stumbling down the too big stairs in his hurry the little cat landed at the bottom in a heap, whimpering a little as he lay sprawled there. Looking up when he heard the pattering of footsteps, Chairman stared up at Church in misery.

Just when he'd thought things couldn't get any worse.

Church blinked at he stared at the other cat, not quite able to believe what he was seeing. Someone had taken what he assumed was hair gel to the cat's fur, making them stand out like mini spikes. Red, white and green spikes. With loads of glitter thrown onto the fur for good measure. And there were three bows around the fluff ball's tiny tail and another around his neck.

Looking at the miserable cat, Church slowly shook his furry head. "Thank God I don't go to his parties."

"Magnus didn't do this to me! He was too busy making out with Alec to notice what those damn drunk elves were doing to me. They were going to pierce my ears and put ornaments in them! "

Cringing in sympathy Church moved in to get a closer look. "You're a mess."

If he could have cried he would have. Hunching his shoulders Chairman was more miserable than he could ever remember being. He looked like a freak and it would be hours before the party winded down. And now Church had seen him and…and…

Whimpering, Chairman Meow put his paws over his eyes, revealing that his claws had been painted red as well.

The little cat's pout didn't last long though, Chairman Meow's eyes opening wide when he felt himself being lifted into the air. And then suddenly he was being moved, suspended by the nape of his neck like he weighed nothing. Squirming, Chairman tried to get a look at the other cat, shocked speechless over what Church was doing.

"Where…where are you taking me?"

Church didn't answer, Chairman realizing belatedly that the other cat couldn't have spoken if he wanted to. Church's mouth was a little full at the moment.

They walked across the wood floors and to the loft's main floor bathroom, the larger cat big enough to push the door open with its side. As soon as there was enough room to slide in Church did so, carrying the smaller cat with him. Using the toilet seat as a stepping stone Church hopped from there to the main sink, dropping the cat into the basin there.

Realizing belatedly what the cat indeed to do Chairman was opening his mouth to complain when Church used his head to push the tap off to the right, sending icy cold water spraying down on the smaller cat.

"COLD!"

"Opps." Leaping onto the other side of the basin, Church quickly turned on the tap to the other side. "Better?"

"Than what? Getting my ears pierced?" Glaring up at the other cat as the hair dyes ran off his body in colorful rivets Chairman quickly closed his eyes so as not to get anything in them as he forced himself to walk under the spray to get as much of the guck off as possible. "Why are you helping me anyway?"

"Maybe I'm just trying to drown you?"

"Ha, ha, very funny."

"You're looking pretty darn funny to me."

"Oh, bah humbug."