Summary: I dedicate this one shot to all those people, like myself who have experienced the death of one of their precious people in their lives. This story is for you.
Disclaimer: I don't own Ao no Exorcist
Silence, that's what I hear as I'm standing here. My eyes wander until I see you, in all your glory, a small smile set on your face. Instantly, I take a step forward, until your eyes direct me to the titanic gap between us. I stumble, and I have to adjust most of my weight on my right leg, because the other is hovering dangerously over that crack. I take a step back, and when I look down, I can see nothing but a never ending darkness that threatens to swallow me up. On my side, there's nothing but sorrow. Yet, when I look across to you, all I can see is a pure whiteness, which suddenly lifts all feelings of despair that cover my side. I stretch my hand towards you, but you shake your head. You're telling me that it's not my time, not yet, your eyes add. My throat constrict with the tears that don't want to come. I bring my shaking hands to my chest, and I can feel the fabric of my shirt rub against my fingers. "I miss you so much" I whisper, but you already know that. You don't react to my words, nor does the smile leave your face. You just nod.
It's been some time, since I saw you without a glass covering your face, confining you in that small rectangular box shape. It's been so long, since I heard your voice, yet you won't even open your mouth. Your eyes soften, as I struggle with the words that I've always wanted to say since that night. The regret, the sorrow, the anger all tangle on my tongue and only a sigh escape my lips. I close my eyes, thinking that it would help but it doesn't. So I open them, and I gaze at you once more. Your face hasn't changed at all, in fact you're still wearing the same clothes you wore that night and it makes the hurt even worse. Strings of flashbacks attack my mind, and before I know it, I drop to my knees. I bow my head and squeeze my hands into fists. Why can't I say what I want-no need to say?! I'm usually the one who speaks his mind yet my stupid brain won't cooperate with my mouth so all that is coming out, is unintelligent nonsense. I need to apologize, to tell you how much I regret those words that night. Even now, when I think about it, it feels like the words are digging into my skin, leaving bright red marks for only me to see. Those are the scars that are so hard to hide, yet so easy to recognize. Before I know it, I'm a crying mess. My body shakes with little sobs. I can almost hear you poking fun at me, telling me that I'm a baby for breaking down so easily. But I don't care. I bawl out my eyes.
When I'm finished, you're still there, with that patient look on your face. You point to your own cheek, and I know that you're referring to mine. I roughly wipe away the stray tear on my own, and you smile. That is the stupid smile that I hate to love. The one, where just the corner of your lips are turned up in that lazy way of yours, the way it somehow reaches your eyes, the way that with just that simple gesture, you could lift my spirits. I stand up with uneasy steps, and I can see you studying me, as though you're trying to memorize my features, like you'll forget what I look like, when it's supposed to be the other way around. I take a deep breath, as a headache forms. When I look into your eyes, I dissect everything your lips won't say. It's all there. The love, the happiness, the forgiveness...the forgiveness is hard to swallow. My hands go slack; the fists disappear as my fingers go lax and my palms smoothen out. "You..." is all my fucking brain can come up with. My eyes immediately fall to the hole separating us. That's it isn't it? This separation is the remainder that we're too far from one another now. But somehow, as though sensing that you want me to look at you, I do. Your eyes take on a runny hue and I know those are tears. So you are human, I think. I snort at the thought, while you take off your glasses. Using your sleeves, you dab them away. I've never seen you so vulnerable before, and it causes a tug that starts from the pit of my stomach, before it trails all the way to my chest. You place your glasses back on, and we stare at each other. 'I'm sorry' your eyes translate, and I shove my hands in my pockets as I bite the inside of my cheek. I can taste blood. I stubbornly glance at you.
'Why? I should be the one saying that' my own eyes spell out and your Adam's apple bob, as though you're chuckling, though you don't utter a sound. 'I'm sorry' blue softened ones whisper and for a moment, I can see that you're startled. Even when I was a child, I was reluctant with my apologies, so it's not surprising that you react that way. But since your death, things changed. I changed and for a miniscule minute, you sense this.
'It's okay' your eyes say, and the urge to cry comes back. The blood swishes around my mouth now.
'No, it's not' fierce blue eyes spoke. Your eyes take in mine. 'I am sorry about what happened, about what I said to you' they explain.
'I know that' those wise orbs of yours clarify. 'Because you're my child and I know these things' are left hanging in the air, right above the crevice that divides us. Then, I can feel it. You're being called away. 'I love you and your brother forever, like we promised, right?' you question me, and I can feel a smile cutting through my tears.
'Forever' I respond. You're fading, or is it me? The opening is getting larger by the second, putting much more distance between us. "I love you, dad" I whisper, and before I leave, I get a glimpse of your wide eyes. I know I didn't say it as much back then but I'm saying it now. I know that this is the last time we'll get to meet each other and I also know that you deserve so much more, but that is all I can offer. However, right before we disappear from each other, your eyes say 'It's more than enough'.
I wake up, thrashing around the bed, with the sheets sticking to my skin. I gasp, and cough, as I try to get my breathing under control. I can hear my brother's worried concerns, as he gets up, but I drown out his voice. My heart is thumping against my rib cage, threatening to flop its way out into the world. My face is wet, and sweat has slicked my skin. I knew it was a dream. I knew it, the moment I saw you standing there. But I also knew that you were as real as I wanted you to be. I cover my face with my fingers but I can still see your face. Now, it's more vivid than the picture hiding under my pillow. For the third time that night, I cry. I can feel my brother freeze up but just like before, I don't give a damn. "Stupid old man" I whisper with a bittersweet smile on my face. It's just like you to show up in my dreams, telling me to let go. I can see your eyes in the back of my mind, telling me 'Heal. Move on'. "It'll take some time, stupid old man" I whisper, and that foolish smile of yours enters my mind as well. I clutch onto my sheets, and without a word, I lay back down on the bed, before turning away from my brother who still hasn't moved. "It'll take time" I whisper to myself again before closing my eyes, and drifting off to a dreamless sleep this time. That's the tricky thing about the death of someone close to you. For you see, the people who have to deal with their loss are the ones who experience a state worse than death. Grief is worse than decay. But, that's just part of the process, because one day, you'll wake up, and find that you can think about that person, without breaking down into a slobbering mess. Why? It's simple really. If grief is worse than decay, then time is the greatest healer in the world. (Not excluding love of course) Therefore it's okay to mourn, to cry our hearts out, to let go of the pain, and the hurt that has us ensnared in their hold. So until that day, take your time but there's something you must know, something I was taught only recently. Someday, whether it's now or in the future, you must remember to let go. Only then, you can cross that gap into happiness.
Author's notes: *whew* this was really something. I wrote this story during one of the most troubling periods in my life and before I knew it, I wrote it in the first person perspective. I've never liked to write this way, but I decided that I needed some serious therapy and for me, that involves writing, so it came out like this in the end. Thanks go out to my cousins, Rose and Patrick who helped me with everything going on. ^. ^ Love you guys.