Disclaimer: A big disclaimer that some/quite a bit of the spoken dialogue is not my own. I took it directly from the show since I didn't want to challenge/change canon in that way. So a huge thank you to the writer of the show, Jordan Hall I believe (and I apologize profusely if that is not accurate) for writing such memorable dialogue.
A/N: Spoilers for episodes 2.19 and 2.20 of Carmilla!
I thought so much of the acting for these episodes, and especially 2.20 was done nonverbally that I was inspired to write this. Each chapter is the telling of the same scene, but from a different perspective. The first scene of the first two chapters is totally made up and my own interpretation/headcanon of what might have preceded the second scene in those chapters, which is canon in action but, again, my own interpretation/headcanon of what each character is thinking/feeling internally. That means I very well might have some of the motivations wrong, but only time will tell. Either way, I very much hope you enjoy.
"You know, we could just go. Leave this ice-blasted wasteland behind, and let these immature children reap what they've sown with the Baron," Mattie said. "I could take you back to Morocco with me."
Carmilla looked over at her sister with a small, sad smile on her face. "You know I can't do that, Mattie."
"Can't and won't are two different things, Carm. That girl is going to be the death of you." They'd been over this so many times in the past few weeks that most of the heat had left Mattie's words. Carmilla hoped that her sister had finally come to the realization that she wasn't going to change her mind, she wasn't going to leave Laura. She couldn't. At least not yet.
"Yeah, but I'm already dead," Carmilla retorted, her smile turning into a grimace as the ball of pain in her chest that seemed to be a constant these days tightened even more. What was meant to be a teasing, light-heartedly flippant answer had turned more emotional than she had expected. She hadn't realized until just this moment that she really did feel more lifeless now than she had in a long time.
Mattie heaved a heavy sigh. "Can we at least agree to go find some dinner so that statement doesn't become as true as you're making it out to be?"
Honestly, Carmilla didn't feel much like eating, but she did need to keep up her strength. She'd binged on more blood than she was proud of that first week of her break-up with Laura, and it still left an unpleasant taste in her mouth when she thought about what Laura must think of her for her loss of control. True, she hadn't killed anyone, she hadn't killed anyone in a century or two except in self-defense, but she hadn't been subtle about her distasteful feeding habits either. Needless to say, she was a little ashamed of her behavior, but it had to be better than letting Laura know how hurt she really was.
A minute nod of her head was all it took for Mattie to gracefully push to her feet. Carmilla was once again struck by how elegant her sister was, and she wondered if that was how Mattie had been in life, or if she'd learned it over the centuries she'd been a vampire. She was deadly grace and beauty personified, and Carmilla had to admit that she admired that easy display of power to some extent.
"I get to pick our meal," Carmilla added, knowing that Mattie wouldn't object if only to make her feel better. And true to Carmilla's prediction, Mattie just shrugged and gestured for her to lead the way.
As acute as Carmilla's vampire senses were, they were even more sensitive when she was in her feline form. And tonight, she was looking for a very specific type of prey, so she let herself transform into a large panther-like creature. Truthfully, Carmilla took great joy in her other form, although right now it just felt freeing to be someone, or, more accurately, something else. Something with a purpose that wasn't so utterly unattainable. Something with a completely different goal than what her human half wanted, but would never have.
Carmilla caught the scent she was looking for not long after starting her search. Ever since Vordenberg had established his somehow superhuman Hunters, the scents of those initiated into the group had changed. They were still primarily human, but there was a tinge of something else – something supernatural – underneath that. There was something about their scents that actually warned Carmilla to stay away, but she was too stubborn to listen.
She had to feed to survive, and with Vordenberg's new anti-vampire edicts, that meant there was no place she could easily procure blood bags anymore. Now, the only way to feed was directly from the source. And if the Hunters wanted to 'detain' her and her kind, than Carmilla was only too happy to use their blood to sustain her life. It was just another way to stick it to Vordenberg and his Hunters without declaring outright war since she still hadn't killed any of them, yet. Carmilla was working on the theory that they were essentially innocent students who were just being used by Vordenberg to do his dirty work. Whether or not that was true, Carmilla didn't know, but it kept her from killing them, kept her from turning into the monster they all thought she was.
By the time Carmilla realized that something was wrong, and that they weren't the only ones hunting tonight, it was already too late. It had been too easy following their would-be dinner dates without being noticed. After all, she was prowling around as a freaking giant black cat, and Mattie was the most wanted vampire on the Silas campus. She should have felt that something was off, but it wasn't until the first arrow shot past her, barely missing her flank, that Carmilla registered how screwed they really were. Vordenberg and the Hunters had set up a trap for them, and they'd stupidly walked right into the middle of a shooting gallery.
A barrage of arrows quickly followed on the tail of the first. Neither she nor Mattie had cause to fear much, but an arrow through the heart would at the very least incapacitate them until the Hunters could finish the gruesome job they'd obviously been tasked with. Instinctively, Carmilla knocked Mattie to the ground and covered her body, refusing to lose the last person in the world who loved her. She dragged Mattie to cover in the bushes, hoping that her instincts were taking her in the right direction and away from the shooters.
Carmilla had almost gotten them both out of the line of fire when a bolt of pain spiked through her chest and shoulder. It jolted her out of her feline form and the next thing Carmilla knew, she was flat on her back with the shaft of an arrow sticking out of her chest. Her first thought was of Laura, and she wondered if her stupidly courageous human would even care to find out what had happened to her.
But then Mattie's worried face swam into her hazy field of vision. She couldn't quite focus on her sister, and the words that Mattie was yelling at her didn't make much sense over the deafening sound of rushing blood in her ears.
The pain in her chest was crippling. Carmilla raised her hand, groping for the arrow to pull it out. It was frustrating, and a little scary, how clumsy and leaden her arms had become. The effort it took to even force them off the ground by her side was great, and it totally drained her usually expansive reserve of energy.
When she finally got her hand up to her chest, Mattie pulled it away before she could command her clumsy fingers to wrap around the shaft of the arrow. "Out, Mattie," Carm cried with as much force as she could muster. "I want it out." She tried again with even more determination to pull the arrow from her chest, but still couldn't get a grasp on the damn thing. The jerky movements only served to cause her more pain, but that was probably what convinced Mattie to help instead of fighting her.
"For God's sake, I'll do it. You're just going to hurt yourself," Mattie hissed, her voice a peculiar mixture of anger and concern that Carmilla had never heard before. As much as Carmilla had insisted on taking the arrow out, she wasn't fully prepared for the jolt of pain that radiated from the center of the wound through her entire body as Mattie pulled the projectile from her chest. She let out a sharp cry and fought against the blackness that threatened to eclipse her vision.
Carmilla wasn't sure if she actually did pass out for a minute or not, but the next thing she was semi-consciously aware of was Mattie frantically encouraging her to get up. "They're coming. We have to go, darling." Even simple things were difficult for Carm to process right now, so she didn't respond as quickly as Mattie obviously thought she should. "We have to go, now," Mattie said more vehemently, getting to her feet and pulling Carmilla up alongside her with a rough jerk. Fear was evident in Mattie's voice, and that more than anything triggered what was left of Carmilla's severely waning reserves to get herself moving.
"We need to get you someplace safe, darling," Mattie said a little more gently as they began hobbling away from disaster behind them as quickly as possible.
Safe. It was a concept that honestly felt quite foreign to Carmilla even though she hadn't really feared mortality in a long time. Still, Carmilla's most primitive brain knew where she felt the safest, where she was the most at peace. It wasn't a place, it was a person. Laura.
The trek across campus was mostly a blur for Carmilla. All she could remember was pain, and trying her hardest to fight against the unconsciousness that pulsed at the edge of her vision with every step, waiting for that one moment of weakness to put her down permanently. She had to keep going, more for Mattie's sake than for her own. Mattie wouldn't leave her, and Carmilla refused to be the reason that her sister got killed if Vordenberg's Hunters caught up to them.
Carmilla didn't know where Mattie was taking her. Neither of them had any allies anymore, but she was too weak and disoriented to care. Giving any thought to their potential safe haven was not a priority for Carmilla when she could barely put one foot in front of the other. Wherever Mattie was leading them, it had to be better than the certain death that waited behind.
A shiver coursed through her body when she felt the slight change in air pressure that indicated they'd entered an enclosed space. The warmth that Carmilla had expected to feel from being off the chilling, windswept landscape of the quad never came. Apparently, she'd lost more blood than she'd thought, and it was not a particularly good sign that she wasn't even hungry. She needed to replace the blood she'd lost and get her strength back.
Carmilla heard a crash as though from far away, and she tensed for another attack. Unfortunately, she was beyond useless in her current state. At the moment, she might even welcome death if it came quickly enough. But no attack ever came. Instead, Carmilla felt a familiar hand splay across the bottom of her rib cage right before a warm body pressed up against her left side. Instantly, Carmilla's thoughts turned to Laura, but she knew it was just her imagination playing tricks on her, conjuring up the one person in the world she wanted most.
Moments before she thought she might finally collapse, Carmilla was lowered onto a seat. It sent a jolt of discomfort through her body, but she was grateful that she could finally rest. She was tired and her limbs had started to go numb.
Carmilla felt Mattie leave her side, but she wasn't worried. Warmth still blanketed the other side of her body, and it was beginning to seep inside of her, chasing away the cold and loneliness if not her physical pain. She would choose the pain of her body over the one in her heart any time.
The smell of blood, this time not her own, tickled her nose a second before she felt the plastic blood bag press against her lips. She drew from it because she needed the strength, but it was all she could do to keep the blood down. One meager sip was all she could manage, but it was enough to focus her back in the present for a short time.
"Mattie, where did you bring me?" It hurt to speak and her own voice sounded foreign to her; a little too hoarse, a little too raw.
When her sister didn't answer, Carmilla cracked her eyes open. It took them a moment to adjust to the painfully bright artificial light, and even after all of that, they would only focus for a second at a time before blurring once again. Still, it was long enough for Carmilla to see the pointed look Mattie was throwing over her shoulder to the other side of her body, and Carmilla slowly turned her head in that direction, well aware that any sudden movements might cause her to pass out.
Her vision dimmed as she moved her head, but she resisted the sweet pull of unconsciousness. Laura's face swam into focus for a brief second before Carmilla had to shut her eyes again. "Oh, perfect," she muttered. Why was it that Laura always had to see her at her worst? Vordenberg's anti-vampire propaganda, and admittedly some of her own ill-conceived actions, already had Laura thinking the worst of her, and this mess wasn't going to do anything to change those opinions.
"Yeah, it's terrific to see you too," Laura said. Carmilla could hear the hurt in her voice, and it made her heart clench in protest, but she was utterly spent. What little infusion of energy the blood had given her was gone, and Carmilla was too tired to explain herself, even if she could come up with the right words to comfort Laura. Something as simple as 'I'm sorry' just wasn't going to cut it in this situation. There were far too many things between them at this point, and Carmilla didn't have the brain power to coherently talk about any of them right now.
Shortly after that, Carmilla felt the warmth in her body recede as Laura moved away. She mourned the loss immediately and instinctively tried to lean more heavily on Mattie. But her sister was suddenly gone as well, and it was all Carmilla could do to keep herself sitting upright instead of face-planting on the desk in front of her. She was sure that some of Laura's viewers would love to see that, but the humor of the situation was quickly lost to the pain pulsing through her body in ever increasing waves.
Distantly, Carmilla could hear arguing going on behind her, but the words were being fired too fast for her to process, as though they were spoken in some foreign language she didn't know. The only thing her taxed brain could grasp was that Mattie and Laura were once again at each others' throats. She wished that the two most important people in her life could get along better, but that seemed like a pipe dream. Laura was convinced that Mattie was a merciless killer, and Mattie didn't understand how a tiny, insignificant human could infatuate her so totally. Likely, they were both just afraid that the other would be too much of an influence on her.
Carmilla heard someone leave and instinctively knew it was Laura. She'd been living with Laura long enough, both this semester and last, that her body had become attuned to the human. Carmilla's senses had become even more acutely synced to Laura when they'd been together, but, unfortunately for her, that sensitivity hadn't decreased when they'd broken up. Sometimes it was torture being in the apartment with Laura when she had to restrain herself from doing all the little intimate things she used to, but the alternative of cutting Laura completely out of her life wasn't appealing either.
For what seemed like an eternity, Carmilla was lost in her own pain. A couple of times, she felt Mattie put the blood bag to her lips, but she pulled away every time. It felt like acid was eating through her stomach, and she doubted that she'd be able to keep it down, so better to save it for a time when its effects wouldn't be wasted.
The next thing Carmilla registered was being drawn back against a small warm body, a very familiar body. If she hadn't hurt so much, or been such a bloody mess, Carmilla would have gladly collapsed into that warm embrace. It was exactly what she needed, and while her physical body still throbbed with pain, being cradled in Laura's arms again was a soothing balm for her soul. This was where she wanted to be forever; wrapped in Laura's arms, surrounded by her intoxicating scent. She could almost believe that Laura loved her.
Then she was pulled away from that comforting embrace. A blanket was wrapped around her shoulders, but it couldn't replace the warmth that she'd lost. Nothing could.
The pain in her chest escalated as she was pulled from her seat. Someone – not Mattie – ushered her across the room. She bit her lip against the pain of moving again, thankful that she didn't have to take more than a dozen excruciating steps before she was lowered onto another cushioned surface. There was no fight left in her as she was directed to lie back, and Carmilla had to assume that whatever was happening met with Mattie's approval because she didn't have the strength to help herself. If Mattie wasn't dead, Mattie would protect her.
Something sharp dug into the epicenter of her pain and Carmilla was barely able to bite back a yelp. Her muscles twitched, wanting nothing more than to make it stop, but attacking the 'surgeon' wouldn't end well for anyone. At least it didn't go on for long. Carmilla felt the shard stuck in her chest push slightly deeper before it was drawn slowly from the wound. The burning was still there, but at least the sharp pain like a red hot poker stabbing her in the chest had dissipated.
"How are you feeling, darling?" Mattie asked, her voice a lot closer than Carmilla had expected. She'd totally missed Mattie's move across the room.
"Like an overly-enthusiastic veterinarian just played Operation with my innards." Carmilla wasn't feeling particularly snarky or sarcastic at the moment, but old habits died hard. And maybe if she pretended to be back to her old self, she would be.
"Well, if that's the case, it's good we'll be staying put for awhile, while you recover." Mattie knew her better than anyone, so it shouldn't have been a surprise to Carmilla when her sister saw right through her ploy.
Still, another question niggled at the back of her mind, demanding to be asked and keeping her from lapsing into unconsciousness. "How did you get little Miss Tightly Wound to agree to that?"
"She promised you were done with your little spree," Laura said from across the room. Apparently not everyone had left with the would-be surgical team. Then again, with the way her night was going so far, it shouldn't have been a surprise that Laura was still here to witness her misery.
"You have got to be kidding me." Carmilla knew that the bargain Laura and Mattie had made was probably best for everyone, but it still stung a little to be used as a pawn in their game. Unfortunately, she was in no condition to put up much of an argument. In fact, Carmilla wondered if it would be a terribly bad idea for her to just pass out now. They were safe for the moment, so it sounded like a solid plan to her…