The Books

Written for Probending Circuit (Round 3).

Team/Position: Red Sands Rabaroos/Earthbender
Prompts: (Dialogue) "Don't look at me like this!" | (Character) Toph | (Quote) "It is hard to understand addiction unless you have experienced it" - Ken Hensley
Word Count: 2082

Note: This is written for the addiction of someone who eats something inedible. Please enjoy!

There is no doubt about it: being part of the Gaang, even years after the war was over, was stressful. I had my own way of dealing with it, but that's a different story. Though, I suppose it became a key component to this one.

It is, after all, hard to understand addiction unless you have experienced it.

Only a year ago, Sokka pulled me to the side from a training session with Twinkletoes.

"There's something wrong with Suki," He had said worriedly. "She looks frazzled more than usual and she won't tell me why. Now, I'm afraid of stressing her out even more."

I think all of us had noticed something was wrong with our beloved Kyoshi Warrior. We constantly had to snap her out of these little dazes, she would leave in the middle of conversations without explanation, and Katara was always pulling her hand away from her mouth to keep her from biting her nails. My fellow loud mouth was uncharacteristically quiet.

Still, I had assumed something was going on with her and Sokka. Maybe the lovebirds were trying for a kid or having relationship troubles what with living in different places for half the year. It wasn't my business.

When Sokka had come to me for advice, it meant that it was nothing like I had assumed.

I found my chance that night. Suki had slowly faded from the conversation, opting instead to stare at her food and bite her nails, Katara too far to stop her. Sokka laughed at a rare joke from Zuko, turning to see Suki's reaction, when she abruptly got up and walked out of the room.

There was a moment of silence where I assume everyone was waiting for someone to make a move. Sokka hesitated, so I got up and told him I'd take care of it.

I followed the vibrations of her footsteps to her temporary room in Zuko's palace. She locked the door before I could get there, but I don't think she even realized I was following her.

With a sigh, I knocked on the door, and called out, "Suki?"

She dropped something, but picked it back up before I could figure out what it was. "I'll come back in a sec!"

"Suki, let me in," I said, ignoring her lie, as I jiggled the metal door knob.

"I just wanted to… uh, wanted to look something up in my book! I couldn't remember what this one character said and- and it was just killing me, so I-"

I rolled my eyes and stopped listening to her. I focused on the lock on the door knob and bent the metal back, successfully unlocking the door. It swung open lamely.

Suki stood there like a buffalo-deer caught in headlights. I still couldn't tell what she was holding in her hand, aside from it being heavy.

I held out my hand, waiting for her to give it to me.

"I told you. It's-it's a book," she said as she reluctantly put it in my hand.

Though I didn't have much of it, my prior experience told me that this was a book. I traced the cover and found nothing odd about it other than it being some lame romance-type novel from the lettering. It was when I traced the edges of the paper that I could tell that it was not a normal book.

I had begun to flip through the pages when Suki told me, "It's my stress book."

"You tear off pieces of the pages when you're stressed?" Or entire pages sometimes.

There was a moment of silence. I felt like my father, confronting a child for doing something she wasn't supposed to be doing. Except, in this instance, the child was ashamed, unlike I ever was.

"I eat the pieces of paper."

I'm not sure what I was expecting her to say, but it certainly wasn't that.

"You… eat the paper?" I had repeated back.

"Yeah."

I closed the book, trying to wrap my mind around it. While, when I thought about it, it wasn't that crazy, but it also wasn't an action I could picture someone up and doing. Sitting there, reading, and then you… tear off a piece of paper and eat it? I don't read, so I still have no idea if that thought occurs to some.

"Why?" was the only question I could find myself asking Suki.

She shrugged, apparently having to think about the reason. "I don't know. I don't even know how it started." She settled onto the bed. "It just helps me think- especially with everything that's going on."

I sat beside her, my hand brushing on a strip of paper. I tossed it to the side and hoped she hadn't noticed. "You have a lot of people worried, Suki. What is going on with you?"

She let out a stressed laugh. "Too much, Toph. I think my mom's going to step down from Chief of the Kyoshi Warriors and nominate me to be the next leader when I'm not even around my group as much as I'd like to be. My group is in desperate need of new trainees with some girls leaving for their families and I can't even be there to help Ty Lee because I'm here. Or I'm in Republic City, helping you organize the police force. Or I'm in the Southern Water Tribe where half the women there pretend I don't exist because I'm Earth Kingdom and the Chief's son should marry Water Tribe or whatever. And to top it all off, I found a necklace a month ago and I think Sokka is going to propose to me when he doesn't even know-" Suki covered her face and her body began to shake.

I realized she was crying and I tried comforting her by wrapping my arm around her shoulder. "Suki, it's OK. I don't think Sokka is going to judge you for eating paper."

She shook her head, wiping her eyes. "No, not that. Toph, I lost the baby. I was pregnant and I didn't even know it until I had lost it. And- and this goddamn paper-eating compulsion is only increasing the stress because I didn't want anyone to find out!"

I'm not normally the person to have to comfort others. That's Katara's job. And Suki's when we all used to drink together. In fact, out of everyone in the gaang, Zuko would be more likely to comfort someone than I would and when Sokka told him the story about Yue, he replied, "That's rough, buddy."

So, when Suki started to sob in front of me after telling me the weight piled on her shoulder, I felt this pull in my chest and I had no idea how to get rid of it. But I did have a little knowledge on how to help Suki.

My arm slipped from her shoulder. "That's… a lot on your plate. I honestly have no idea how you feel, but I sympathize."

"Toph, I have no idea what to do right now. I just… I need a break." She wiped her eyes again.

Upon impulse, I grabbed her hand. "You should take everything one step at a time. You feel like everything is rushing at you at once, so you need to separate it. And Sokka is really worried about you. You should talk to him first."

"About the engagement or…" Her free hand moved to her stomach.

"Both. He deserves to know. Then, tell him everything you just told me. If he really wants to marry you, he also wants to help you. You don't have to deal with this all alone. Aang taught me that a long time ago."

And, you know, I'm pretty proud of how it went. Suki and I spoke for a little longer before I let her spend some more time in the room. I took the book with me just in case. Eating paper was a little weird and I'm sure that it's not healthy for her. I also hoped that once her stress went down she wouldn't resort to it.

Now, it's been a year and we're all back in Zuko's palace. Suki told Sokka everything, her mother ended up staying as chief per Suki's request and train the new recruits with Ty Lee without her asking, and Sokka proposed to her last night (she said yes). Everything is looking up.

I open the door to Suki's room to grab her for dinner when she shouts, "Don't look at me like this!"

I guess I wasn't paying attention to what she was doing, but I 'see' now that she was kneeling on the floor with a book in her lap. I am positive that there are pieces of paper missing in it.

She tosses the book across the room as though it that would make it disappear. "I was just doing some… reading!"

"Oh man," I groan. "Suki, I thought you were less stressed with your mom and Sokka helping you out."

Suki gets up, her hand nervously tracing her necklace. "I am! I am definitely less stressed thanks to everyone helping me… but the paper eating doesn't happen because I'm stressed. I think… it's an addiction. I can't help it."

"Paper eating can be an addiction?" I ask aloud, not intending to offend Suki, but she ended up burying her face in her hands.

"It's so embarrassing, Toph. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've tried, I really have, but I go crazy without it. I can't even focus if it's been too long without eating paper."

For once, I feel like I can relate to Suki. Not having that control. That seems to describe my life. "I get it, Suki-"

"No you don't! Toph, you helped me talk and sort things out with my friends and family, but you can't help me sort things out with myself. How can I lead the Kyoshi Warriors if I get addicted to eating paper? You don't understand what this is like."

I let out a small laugh. "Suki, when was the last time you saw me drink something?"

"Last night. Everyone drank wine." She shrugs, no idea what I'm talking about.

I shake my head. "I drank grape juice, not wine. It's been almost two years since I've drank alcohol. Suki, I know what it's like to have an addiction. I know how it feels to not have that control and how worthless you feel because of it. And I especially know how ridiculously hard it is to stop that addiction."

"How? Every time I try, I cave in. Why can't I just control myself?" She sobs.

"Suki, this isn't something you need to control by yourself. I didn't stop on my own. If Katara hadn't realized what I was doing to myself, I could be in a much worse place than I am today."

"I can't believe I didn't know." Suki takes my hand like I had taken hers. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, Toph."

"I thought I could do it on my own," I tell her with a small smile.

She is silent for a moment before she says, "Oh."

"Have you told Sokka?" I ask her.

She admits to me that she has not.

"You have to. You have to. If you're ashamed of this and you want it to stop, Sokka is going to help. He's your best friend and he loves you. I know he does."

Suki smiles at me. It's nice to see her genuinely happy. "I don't know. Sokka might have you for competition as best friend. You're a better friend than you think, Toph."

I get up from the bed. "I appreciate that. I'll believe if I can help you get over this. You don't deserve this stress. Now, time for dinner. I'm taking that book again."

"Please do," she laughs.