When I was younger, I would play with my Barbie dolls and Polly Pockets. When I was younger, I used to paint my mother's toenails and braid her hair. When I was younger, I used to sing the mother cat's little kittens to sleep. When I was young, I was innocent.
But then I grew up. All at once. And, shit, it was painful.
On my very first hunting trip, my very first time in the middle of nowhere, I lost all my innocence. The boys were tracking a larger arch demon, but I had found another, smaller one. It had possessed a little girl, seven years old, same as me. The demon took the body away from her parents and into the woods. Cas was sitting on the hood of the Impala. Dean and Sam were inside, checking maps and facts. They were focused on the real job.
They had decided it was time I killed a demon. Cas rolled up his plaid shirt sleeves and handed me a demon knife. I stalked off into the woods, following the little footprints. I remember being giggly and nervous.
"Keep going!" Cas called out when I stopped and turned to him.
"What do I do when I find it?" I asked, wishing he would at least come with me.
"Stab it!" He jumped off the hood and walked towards me. "You've done loads of practise. I'm sure you'll have no trouble," he whispered before pushing me past the first few trees of the wood. I stumbled forward, found the footprints and followed. It didn't take me long to find the girl's body.
She was lying limply by a tree. As I got closer, I thought something was wrong with her head. Her eyes were closed so I couldn't tell if she was possessed or not.
At this point, I was still innocent.
Then I realized, her neck had been snapped. Her head was twisted to an odd position. I went to call out to Cas, but a hand over my mouth made me stop. I jumped and spun around. It was Cas, telling me to keep quiet.
He pushed me off and away, back towards the car.
"This is… more important than I thought," he mumbled, a gun and knife in his hand. I was backing away, scared but still innocent.
Then Cas let out a helpless yelp and I saw the blood drain from his face… through his eyes. I couldn't scream or move or do anything progressive. I stood there, numb but still innocent.
Something black and cloudy moved into his mouth and seemed to swell near his throat. He was lifted into the air then fell sharply on his knees. His eyes were wide, pleading. He fell face first, thrashing around. The gun and knife flew from his hands. I stumbled towards him, looking down. He looked up to me, his eyes completely black. Shit. I was shaking with fear, but still relatively innocent.
Cas' body was shaking like mad, his head thrusting around like a fish out of water. He was fighting the demon. I gripped the demon knife tight in my hand. I heard thudding footsteps coming towards us, but Dean and Sam were still far away.
Cas' eyes drained back to his usual sparkly blue, blood still trickling down his face.
"Scarlett," he let out a throaty noise mixed with a whine. "Kill me."
It was his eyes. So real and there and strong. The way they pleaded with me. The way they had already lost all hope. So filled with fear yet acceptance at the same time.
I did it.
But it wasn't really me. It was Cas' eyes that did it. Sure, it was my knife in my hand through his throat, but it wasn't me.
Didn't matter though. I lost all innocence in that one swift move.