Even though the sun had gone down hours earlier, the strain on my eyes was only just beginning to hit me. Even though I didn't want to admit it aloud, I was no longer as young as I used to be and too much of this bright screen in this dark office would impair my eyesight.
I rose slowly to turn the office lights on before the darkness would stress my vision, a dull ache in my back throbbing from being seated too long. I took extra caution not to make a misstep that might merit a hospital visit. Weaving my way through the maze of desks, I noted how the office transformed with the darkness. It felt like a foreign land. In a way, it was a novelty; in another, it caused my heart to beat faster from nerves.
The expanse of the empty, abandoned space resembled that of my own home too closely for comfort. The similarity reminded me of awaited me and gave rise to the question of whether I should have called Koichi to tell him I'd be late again tonight. No, it's not like he even cares about what time I come home…He wouldn't even be worried. He probably isn't even home himself.
With those dreary speculations distracting my mind, I neared the switch and reached out to flip it when I tripped over something most definitely out of place. The ground rapidly approached my face; I braced for impact. Crap, this is going to hurt, I thought, but before I hit the ground something caught me deftly—something with familiar long-fingered hands that swept me up into a protective embrace.
I hadn't even realized there was another person still in the office until Kippei had wrapped his arms around me to break my fall. I gazed into his eyes, which were obscured by shadows, surprised but grateful. Startled, I gathered he must have been the object I'd tripped over. What exactly had he been doing on the ground when he should have gone home hours ago?
"Sorry about that," he murmured sluggishly in a dazed, thick voice, as though he were waking. His eyelids fluttered rapidly, the glazed look in them fading quickly as he stared back at me in apology.
So it was him. I shook my head slowly. "Thank you for catching me." After a moment, I added, "Mr. Ebihara, I thought you finished and left hours ago like everybody else." The lilt at the end of my statement made the observation sound more like a question.
He seemed to consider something before he answered. He avoided my confused gaze. "I had other things to take care of, is all." Was it just hours of staring at a screen addling my brain, or did he seem kind of strange? Is he…nervous?
"Oh," I said lamely, inexplicably disappointed. What more had I been expecting? It's not like he waited for me. He just had other things to do before going home. The fact that he'd been sitting by the door had nothing to do with it.
Even so, I found myself tempted to indulge in the fantasy that Kippei had waited after hours for me. It made me feel so light inside that I was surprised with myself.
Add that to the firm yet delicate hold Kippei had on me and my insides were a tangle of fluttering nerves. My heart pounded fiercely, from a different kind of nerves. With the two of us pressed together like that, his face and his lips and the memory of how they could steal my breath mere inches away, I began to recall the other day…
And I unintentionally flushed brightly.
Kippei became flustered at the sight. "W-what are you going red for?"
I hinted, a little reluctantly, "My arm is going numb. Could you let me go, please?"
"Huh? O-oh! Right." He noticed our positions at last, causing a flush to creep across his pale cheeks. It was such an adorable sight that I had to bite my lip before I giggled.
Kippei stood and offered me his hand. I took it, ignoring the current of electricity that flowed through our connected hands. I released it as soon as I was up, and took a small step back to distance myself from the heat he emanated. Kippei patted his suit down but didn't move. I struggled to forget the feelings our proximity had provoked as I straightened my clothes.
"Thanks."
A moment passed in awkward silence. Trying to cover it up, I began, "Um, so, about the project—"
"About the other day—"
We stopped when we heard the other trying to speak.
Kippei encouraged me to speak first. "It's about work, right? Please, go on." His face took on its familiar businesslike countenance.
I nodded, wondering what he'd been about to say. "Everything for the elementary school project is coming along smoothly. All that is left is for the furnishings to be delivered, and then we will be set."
He gave me a curt nod. "Very good. Have you been visiting the site at all?"
I responded dutifully, "Yes, I've been there at least once every day to observe the progress."
"I'm glad to hear it's coming along well." He paused, seemingly debating something internally. Finally, he continued, "You're enjoying your job, aren't you?"
I nodded truthfully, allowing myself a small smile. "I'm having the most fun I've had in a long while. This job is very satisfying. I can't imagine doing anything else in my life."
He hesitated, but for such a brief moment that if I hadn't been watching him so closely, I might have missed it. "If I may ask…"
"Yes?"
"How have you been since then?"
"What?"
"Err, nothing. Never mind."
I considered pretending to not have heard him, but decided against it. For some reason, I wholeheartedly felt I could confide in Kippei. Not only that, but I didn't think I could lie to him about this, not when he so obviously cared about my answer.
"I—that is, I haven't had the chance to really talk to Koichi yet. When I tried, he shot me down and since then we haven't spoken much." Despite the honesty with which I divulged him, I hastily turned away from Kippei so he wouldn't see how troubled this confession was making me. I was already burdening him enough with my words. "It's so difficult to address that I don't even know what to do anymore."
Kippei stood silently by me.
"I'm starting to forget how I felt when I decided to get married. And why after all he's done I wanted to make it work."
His jaw tightened almost imperceptibly.
"Mr. Ebihara, am I…starting to lose myself?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kippei's fist clench. Even though I'd thought I could speak my honest mind, my cheeks reddened with embarrassment as the atmosphere grew more awkward as the seconds passed. I must be annoying him with all my problems. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore and tried to shrug it off by laughing.
"Haha, what a stupid question. I shouldn't let this bother me too much. We can't have my work suffering because of it, after all." Still, he said nothing; he hadn't so much as glanced my way. A heavy weight settled in my chest, uncomfortable because I wasn't sure why I felt so disheartened out of nowhere. The sensation that pressured me to reveal my true thoughts vanished, leaving me to withdraw into the shell encasing my heart.
"I should go home," I blurted out, swiveling around and making a mad dash for my desk to gather my stuff. My hands trembled as they randomly stuffed files into the bag on the desk. I tightly pinched my cheeks while I faced away from him, begging my watering eyes to dry. Stop it. Don't cry now! Please, don't let me cry in front of him…
The strangest sensation enveloped me as Kippei hugged me from behind. He rested his chin on my shoulder, burying his face in my neck. I could feel his hot breath against my skin. He gripped me as though supporting me.
"Stop trying to act so strong for my sake. I can't bear to see you like that…I'll go crazy."
"Mr. Ebihara…w-what are you…?"
"Cry if you need to. Lean on me as long as you need to. I told you I'm here for you; I always will be. So please, rely on me…."
The kind lilt to his low voice made my chest ache unbearably. Unbidden, salty tears spilled down my cheeks and plopped onto his arms where they were draped around me.
I don't deserve this kindness, I thought. Someone like me doesn't deserve the care of such a wonderful person, nor do I deserve the right to care for him.
I had to pull away. I couldn't stay here in his arms; it wasn't right. I'd chosen Koichi over him—a life which was, as I came to realize in just a small turn of events, a life filled with endless suspicion, boundless betrayal, and a torturous agony that left no room for even the illusion of content or happiness.
And it wasn't supposed to be like that. I desperately sought a way to make it work, but one person cannot fix such a massive problem alone. I couldn't blame myself for Koichi's damned selfishness but I did anyway. No good husband would put his wife through that. No, scratch that—no moral human being would go through with such abuse. But Koichi did. And I accepted all of it, weak and submissive like the pitiable wife I was.
Nonetheless, Kippei still cared for a pathetic person like me. He had no reason to save me from my sorrow. We were nothing more than a boss and his subordinate, so how had things progressed so far? That day, that kiss. It had swept me off my feet, brought me back to life, a lifeline of sorts to my sinking self. I realized that I'd fallen in love with him, but refused to accept his feelings. How cruel did that make me, stealing the feelings of a man whom I had no right to be with, but whose side I wanted to stay by regardless?
"Why?" I whispered, torn between my conflicting desires. "You shouldn't. You'll only be tainted by my idiotic self who can't even be honest about how she feels."
"If anything, you'll be the one tainted by me. Loving such a beautiful woman, who is already married? But I can't help myself." His grip tightened, his voice cracking slightly. "Why can't you realize your true worth, just how precious you really are?"
I clenched my hands over his, trying to convey to him all my sentiments. He blocked my signal. He wouldn't let me go. Because I didn't want him to. My tears fell more heavily. "There's nothing precious about me."
He spun me around to face him, dark eyes boring into the depths of my soul. I felt like he was trying to communicate what he wanted to say through his gaze, as though he couldn't speak the words aloud. His long fingers stroked my cheek soothingly, softly, as though holding a fragile treasure in his hand; I leaned into his touch unconsciously, eyes lowering.
More firmly, he used that hand to guide my gaze back to him. I looked up at him, confused as his face drew closer. I felt his heart beating quickly where my hands lay on his chest. The familiar din of late-night traffic outside, the hum of electricity in the air, all of it disappeared beneath the sound of our breathing and my heartbeat in my ears.
Time stopped in this one moment, for us alone. The tension in the air was palpable as face approached mine. The distance never closed. He trembled slightly with the straining effort of holding himself back as our lips met on a breath of stolen air. I yearned for him, for this kiss, this closeness, but I wasn't ready for it. He held back for my sake. With this lightest and most agonizingly desperate of touches, the realization of how much he cared about my feelings came to me. Tears welled in my eyes again as my emotions swelled painfully. Only an inch away, he rested his forehead against mine and wiped away the wet tracks of tears. He kissed each of my eyelids gently, guiding my face into his chest. I shuddered, releasing a deep breath to calm myself.
Sensing a calm settle over me, he drew back to gaze at me. His soft, relieved smile melted my heart, making me forget our circumstances momentarily. A light blush blossomed over my face. He made me want to smile in return.
His features softened perceptibly. "You smiled," he murmured gratefully. "That smile—it's one of so many things I love about you. I hope you can realize one day just how amazing it is to see you with it."
My heart throbbed in my chest at his words.
"It's not just your smile. It's your voice, the way you use it to speak your mind and how you hold it in when you most deserve to be heard. It's your pride in your work, and determination to improve at everything you do even when you're under intense stress or in an impossible situation. But most of all, it's your strength."
I couldn't hide my surprise, couldn't force back the self-resentment that arose with his statement. "I'm not strong at all."
His fingers tenderly caressed my skin. "Your desire to be happy so overwhelmed the me who couldn't let go of his past that I easily fell in love with you before I realized what was happening to me. Even though the fault all lay with the cheating husband, you took that heavy burden upon yourself. Through all that, I worried constantly whether you'd break…but it was needless. Look at you—you remained standing through it to this very moment."
I clenched my hands into fists, staring at the paleness of my skin against the black of Kippei's suit. "Even if you say so…it was only because of you. I'm too weak to stand on my own."
At this, Kippei wrapped his arms around me once more. He put one hand on the back of my head and guided my face to his chest once more to console me. "This is what I mean. Your heart has become so strong that you won't let anything penetrate it. Not just what has the potential to hurt you, but my words and my feelings as well. It's driving me insane."
I tried to push him away then, his words unintentionally reinforcing my resolutions to keep him at a distance. "See? I'm only hurting you. I'm not worthy of someone as wonderful as you. Why do you insist on being so kind to me?"
He sighed irritably, holding me tighter by shifting his grip. He gazed into my eyes with a firm resolve. "Because I love you. I can't leave you alone; I won't."
My breath hitched in my throat. No matter how many times I heard him say those words, I'd never get used to them.
Murmuring softly, he continued, "I keep thinking of ways I could have you, but it's all so wrong it's frustrating. I could never take a woman who doesn't want me back."
I clutched the front of his suit, very aware of how I blushed. That's not true, I wanted to tell him. I tried to look up at him, but his eyes were shut tight and couldn't meet mine. Seeing his strained features and red cheeks, my confused, wavering heart could only hold the words back.
"I want you to believe that I'll never make you cry," he declared, his eyes reopening at last. I saw myself, distraught and conflicted and disheveled, reflected in their soothing brown depths. "Won't you divorce your husband and be…with me?"
"Mr. Ebihara…" I breathed into his suit. He leaned back just far enough to look into my eyes. His expression was indecisive, then determined. He stroked a stray lock of hair behind my ear, one hand resting on the back of my neck as he tilted my head up. His face drew near once more.
"Oh, no. When I see you looking like that, I can't hold back anymore."
His lips finally met mine. Sighing, I closed my eyes as I gave myself over to him. He sensed my surrender and crushed my body between his and the wall, surrounding me in his encompassing warmth. I released a strangled noise. He used my surprise as an opportunity to deepen our kiss, his tongue flicking out to lick my lips, my mouth unable to resist his request.
Every sensible thought flew out the office window and down to the concrete city street levels below. Now, even if I wanted to, I had no hope of escaping his hold.
His passion overwhelmed me; I couldn't resist his fervor. All the tension he'd kept inside as he resisted his earlier urges released. In the wake of his sudden outburst of desire, I found my resolve disintegrating. My arms lacked the strength and resolution to push him away from me. Instead, they wrapped around the back of his neck, bringing us even closer, welcoming our tightening embrace. Their foundation weak to begin with, the walls I'd built between us since our last encounter crumbled away.
I really did love Kippei Ebihara. The clouds that had obfuscated the truth—my attempts to save my disaster of a marriage—had been blown away by the realization that after all the searching I'd done, after all the wanting and wishing and yearning over the past several months, I'd found a love that moved me in a way I hadn't experienced even in high school twelve years ago.
We left the office together. As Kippei whispered words of love and reassurance to me to throughout the night, I thought that maybe, even though I'd lost the knowledge of how to, I could find it in me to wholeheartedly trust another man with my heart.