Don't Say It's Alright

"Sam?" Sam looked up from the book he'd been reading. His mother stood in the doorway of his room. "Hey, what's up."

"Uhm, can I talk to you?" She appeared nervous, fiddling with the hem of her t-shirt. He frowned. "Yes, of course. Come in." He gestured her to come inside.

She nodded and stepped forward into the room, closing the door behind her.

She sat down across him.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

She stayed silent.

"If it's about the food supplies that are running low, I've already made some arrangements and-"

"Sam. I'm sorry."

There, she said it, no going back now.

He stopped and frowned. "What. Why?"

"I know I've been distant. And I know I should have talked to you sooner."

So much sooner.

He was silent, staring at her.

Mary swallowed.

"Sam, I'm sorry that you had to go through so much because of me. Because of the deal I made. I can't even begin to imagine what that had to be like for you. For you both."

The end came out in a whisper.

Sam opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He tried again. "Mom, it-"

"No, don't," she cut him off. "Don't say it's alright, because it's not. Don't say that I don't have to be sorry. It's okay to feel hurt and angry. To feel sad. To scream, to cry. It's all okay. You're allowed to feel those feelings. You don't have to pretend that you're alright when you're hurting. That you're alright with how everything has gone and with how I handled everything up to now." She took a deep breath, steadying herself. "I know I was distant. And even when I said that I was trying. It wasn't enough. I was not trying hard enough. Because honestly, I was scared. I was so scared to lose you. That you would hate me or couldn't forgive me, but I know that was stupid of me. You're allowed to feel and think everything you want. I have no control over that. I have no right to want control over that. I made the decision of making that deal back then. It was my choice, and it brought back the love of my life. But it doomed you both, my two sons."

Mary swallowed again, throat dry. She looked up to see Sam still staring at her. His expression was something she couldn't read.

She waited.

Sam's eyes filled.

Suddenly she bent forward, and before she knew it, she had put her arms around her youngest son and wrapped him into a firm hug. Sam's body went rigid for a moment before he relaxed into her hold. He dropped his head on her shoulder, leaning on her.

He sniffled. Obviously trying to hold back.

"It's okay to cry, too. You know." She whispered softly.

And he did, silently.

After a while, he began to speak.

"I was angry and sad. I felt lonely. When you only communicated with Dean through text, when you left us alone again, when you didn't ask. Sometimes it felt like you didn't care. And sometimes, deep down, I thought it was my fault. That it was something I had done, and even that it was just me. And it hurt. It really, really hurt."

His words were grated out, but she only nodded and listened. Blinking to hold back her own tears.

He let out a shuddering breath.

"But,"

Sam suddenly moved, untangling himself out of the embrace.

His eyes were red and wet but calm.

There was no hatred, no disgust. Just... acceptance.

"But I also understand."

Eh?

"Over the years I've come to understand a lot of things, learned so much about myself and others. We all live in this world, and it's not perfect. We are all human. And I understand why you made the deal. You made it because of love. You couldn't live without John. I understand. And what happened, happened. We can't change the past. But what we can do now is move forward. We have each other, and that's all that counts."

He smiled a watery smile at her, and for a while, they stared at each other.

"Okay, mom?"

Mary cleared her throat and nodded, still a little overwhelmed. "Okay."

"Okay." Sam visibly relaxed and let out a breath. He wiped at his eyes and reached over to grab a few tissues. "Here." He gave them to her, and she thankfully took them from him.

For a few moments, he looked away from her. Then he turned back to her and opened his mouth.

"Mom, thank you."

She smiled at him.

"Sam, thank you, too."

If the show doesn't want to give us this scene, I'll write it myself... I'm really disappointed, I've been waiting so long for Mary and Sam to have the conversation about the deal, but they never gave it to us. The show likes to gloss over some really important issues. *Glares at the still not fixed fake voicemail*

Okay well, I hope this was okay. I just felt writing this little scene, but don't know if it's any good. I suck at writing dialogue...

Still, I hope you enjoyed.

All the mistakes are mine.