Chapter 1

I wonder if they would notice if I just stopped talking.

Just one day, out of nowhere became a mute.

I think it would take them a while, it's not like I'm the most outgoing individual in the world. I was nothing important to many people; I was just another person.

An invisible.

An outsider.

A wallflower.

I curled further into myself, my knees closer to my chest to hold in the screams that were bubbling behind my lips like molten lava, hot and wild.

My arms were like a vice around my legs, holding myself together, holding my broken self inside of me.

I heard the car pull up outside and my mother unlock the door and come inside. I was about to get out of my closet when I heard her new boyfriends voice. He was vile and he was a user. He mooched her money and took the home she gave him for granted. It made me sick.

I was staying put.

I furrowed around in the dark for my flashlight and my old tattered copy of Pride & Prejudice. I had read it more times then I could possibly count but I didn't care. The cover was falling off, the spine was crumbling away & the pages were dotted with fingerprints.

I was a few chapters in when I heard my mother coming up the stairs and knocking on my door. Begrudgingly I put my book down and threw them on the bed, opening my door looking darkly at the wrinkled and lined face waiting for me.

"Yes?" My voice was monotone, no emotion.

"Darling, we're going out for dinner and I was wondering if you wanted to come with us. We were just going to go to the local Italian place, y'know? The old one down the road? Bella Italia I think it's called. Please come with us, don't stay cooped up here all the time."

She smiled at me and tucked a wayward strand of my brown hair behind my ear.

"Um...It's okay. Ill stay, I have some things I need to get done. Ill just have the leftovers."

"Alright. Don't know if I'll be home or not tonight, we may get a hotel if we are too drunk…you know me. Bye sweetie."

With a swirl of bad perfume and the stench of liquor, she was gone.

I could tell she meant well. My mum used to be my best friend and when I was a child we did everything together. But when my parents divorced when I was 7, I hadn't taken things too well.

For a while I had been put in the mental hospital for Spilt Personality Syndrome. My other, my split, was totally unlike me. She was wild and loud. She was reckless and a rule breaker. I was not. I was quieter and shy. I was a bookworm and my self-confidence was pretty much at the I-don't-care-anymore stage.

Amazingly, people still couldn't tell when I switched, when I was no longer there and Marie was.

They just thought that I was acting out, being strange and weird. People at school just called me a freak and avoided me like the plague.

It was fine with me, I liked being avoided, and it meant I didn't have to deal with people.

People were just too hard to relate to when you're someone like myself. My school wasn't large, which was another problem I faced.

The whole year had only about 100 people in it, boys and girls. Then again, the town's population was only a mere 4000 people, or around about that many.

My Dad only lived a few minutes away in a small white house that I was born in. My mum still had legal custody of me because she had the larger salary at the time of the divorce case.

Now, she was broke and my father was the Chief of Police.

Talk about ironic.

I was lucky most of the times when Marie had gotten us both arrested that Charlie had been there to swoop me back in because he understood that it wasn't me.

It was her.

It was always her.

The last few days I had been considering moving back in with my father. I knew he wanted me to move there and my mother and her new boyfriend were moving to Jacksonville, a sunny little place that was the complete polar opposite of this icy cold town.

Usually, I would spend the weekend with Charlie and the weeks with my mother. Well…that was the arrangement when I was a child. Nowadays I usually hid there while Mum and Phil screwed each other senseless. It was a good place to go and do my homework, plus I got to spend more time with my father.

Charlie was a man of few words, which suited me just fine. It was always a comfortable silence and we hardly ever fought. If we did it was just about him worrying that I wasn't making the right choices, which was when I reminded him that it wasn't me making the choices, someone else was pulling my strings…. metaphorically of course.

I looked at my calendar and I saw that tomorrow my 18th birthday would be rolling around and I would be able to leave this place. A rush of joy and hope soared through my veins and filled my body with a feeling that I hadn't felt since before the divorce.

I smiled and grabbed my phone off the bed, dialling the local police station to call Charlie.

The phone rang and on the 4th dial, someone named Mark answered. It must have been the new guy Dad had hired to help answer the phones.

"Hi Mark, It's Bella. Is Chief Swan there please? I just want to ask him something, nothing urgent."

He mumbled a quick okay and I was transferred while I listened to bad country music that I was barely able to decipher. Talk about crappy reception.

"Bells? Everything okay?" He sounded rushed and worried. I never usually called him while he was at work.

"Hey Dad. Yeah, everything is fine. I was just wondering if I could still take you up on that offer of moving in. If you still want me to of course."

I crossed my fingers, hoping he would say yes.

"Jeez Bell's. No need to ask. You're my daughter; you know I would have had you move in years ago if it were up to me. Just pack all your boxes and I'll get the day off so I can come and help you tomorrow. Have you told your mother? That's gonna be an event."

He chuckled darkly into the phone but sounded excited nonetheless.

I sighed.

"No, not yet. I was just hoping she wouldn't even notice. I mean she doesn't at the moment so why start now?"

I scowled and started picking furiously at the bed linen. It was a hideous pink, like the rest of the room. I had picked it all out when I was 7 and it hadn't been changed since because of my mothers love for drinking and not my welfare.

"Bella…" He reprimanded "Just talk to her about it, and if she says no remind her that you're an adult now and no matter how hard she tries she has no legal ties over you anymore. Tell her…it's your birthday present to yourself. I have a present for you as well. I hope you like it."

I was surprised by Charlie's words.

When he spoke he let through the authority of the Chief of Police and was completely on my side. Usually he chose no side because of the flame he still held for my mother. I didn't ask why he liked to torture himself by loving her still; I didn't want to know. It wasn't my place to ask really.

"I'll talk to her about it tomorrow when she see's me packing my boxes. If she doesn't ask, then she will find out with the letter I leave her. If she is too drunk to notice then that's her fault, not mine."

I could feel the fogginess that came with Marie trying to pull me under so she could have her two cents and 'protect' me, as she liked to call it.

Aww...C'mon sweets. Let me out, Charlie needs to hear what I have to say about his old lover.

Umm...No. You can stay where you are. We have to go to sleep if we're going to be packing all day tomorrow.

Fine…I'll just talk to him tomorrow. I've missed Charlie.

Marie sighed happily and faded away. I had been thankful that she had been giving me so much time to be by myself. It was strange of her but she seemed to notice that I needed that time so when she was able to come out then she wouldn't be completely rejected by people who knew her.

I needed time to adjust. Once I was adjusted, I would let Marie come out and deal with the problems I couldn't, she was good like that.

Charlie sighed and I could almost see him nodding.

"Alright. When I get home I'll get your old room cleaned out so you don't have to keep using the guest room. You like purple, right?"

Purple?

Yes! I laarrrvvv purple, it looks nice on us Bell's. Tell him purple is just dandy. Oh, and tell him I love him and I'll talk to him tomorrow.

I could hear the smugness and rolled my eyes.

Jesus, Marie. Can't I just have one day to myself?

Eugh…no. No you can't. We're equal partners in this.

I sighed and pushed her from my thoughts.

"Bells?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah, I'm here. Yeah, purples fine and Marie says hi…and that she loves you and will talk to you tomorrow." I ran my hand over my face and into my hair, tugging on it.

"Oh," He sounded surprised but pleased.

"She can hear me, can't she?"

I could see his face in my head, scratching his head. He was still new to the whole idea of Marie, but he had taken it the best so far. My mother had hidden her from him for years but when I started acting out in rebellious ways for no obvious reason, she had to tell him.

Yesum. I suuure can.

"Yeah Dad, she can."

"Hi Marie. I love you too sweetie and I'll see you tomorrow, okay? We need to catch up. How about your favourite pizza for dinner, then we can play some ball. How's that sound?"

I could feel Marie glowing happily. Her emotions got the better of me and I found myself nodding involuntarily and smiling like a giddy schoolgirl.

Oh my fuckin' God! Shit Bell's, he is so great. Tell him it's perfect.

I smiled at my split's childlike happiness at something so simple, the swearing aside, and relayed her answer to him.

"Alrighty then. I look forward to seeing both of my girls tomorrow. Talk to you later."

I smiled at his affectionate words and I could feel Marie almost bursting, then out of nowhere, I felt her take over.

"Bye Charlie! You're so fucking awesome! I love you!" Marie shouted with happiness and joy, and just as fast as she said it she was gone, happily humming songs in our head.

I started blinking furiously as my mini 'blackout' ended, I could see again and furrowed my brow at my lack of control over my own brain.

Charlie just chuckled. "I take that wasn't you?"

I could hear him smiling and my tone came across dry. I rolled my eyes and smiled.

"No, it wasn't. But she felt like she had to say something. She's pushy and nosy like that."

"Okay. You take care and get some good sleep. I'll speak to you tomorrow, I have to go."

"Thanks a lot for this it means a lot to me. Don't forget to be safe, okay?" I smiled and fiddled with my sleeve.

"I wouldn't have it any other way sweetie. I always am. Bye."

"Bye."

And with a click he was gone, a dial tone replacing his rough but warming voice.

I snuggled up under my covers. I wasn't hungry. The meatloaf leftovers I had tipped down the sink because it smelt like rotten eggs.

My mother couldn't cook to save herself. Plus when she did she usually got 'distracted' by Phil and I had to save it, which usually meant starting again and letting her take the credit.

I was too nice some days.

So tomorrow…we are packing so we can go and live at Charlie's house right?

Yup. That's the plan.

What do you think the Bitch is going to do? Stop us?

She will probably try, but we're 18 tomorrow. She can't stop us anymore. If she did it's a federal offence, plus I don't think Charlie would ever let that happen.

Good. Okay, lets go to sleep. I don't know about you, but I'M pooped.

Yeah, Yeah.

I gradually felt Marie fade away and I was once again as alone as I ever would be.

It was kinda nice having her there all the time, but sometimes the headache of having another person in my head got to much for me to handle and I would just go crazy at her. After I did I usually felt bad, but if she got us in trouble then I would make her come out to deal with it because I was sure as hell not.

It was her fault that she got angry with the guy in the pub, but it was his fault that she almost killed his sorry ass. He had touched us…and I don't mean he shook my hand or anything normal like that. I mean he touched us…or Marie that is. Marie made sure he knew what he did wrong and smashed his face in broke two ribs and most likely some internal bleeding was caused.

Marie was always my protector. Whenever I was scared, or hurt or in danger Marie would come out and protect us from getting hurt. She was a skilled fighter and knew self-protection and first aid. She was fiery and lethal; you never wanted to get on the wrong side of Marie. I knew what she knew, obviously, but it wasn't conscious knowledge; it was there, but I couldn't tell you what. I did know first aid though, that was always there I was so clumsy I had to know.

When I was in the mental asylum they had locked me into my bed and fed me a various array of drugs to push her away. But I had fought them, hard. Every time they gave me drugs I kept them under my tongue…that was until they had figured out what I was doing and decided to feed them to me intravenously through a drip.

That really screwed with my plan.

I did gradually feel her fading away, her voice slowly becoming nothing but a tainted whisper in the recesses in my mind.

It scared me and made my emotions soar.

I felt happy but alone, more alone then ever before.

I felt like part of me was missing, cut out and grotesquely shredded into millions of raw and bloody pieces.

I didn't like it.

Eventually my mother got arrested for trafficking methamphetamine and the Child Protection Services found out I was in the hospital with no parental guardian. This was when my mother had been forced to tell Charlie what was happening with me so he could get me out of this depraved and bitter place.

He was my saviour, my angel.

He was my knight in a shining police outfit. But he was also my Dad.

I remember the night when he came in. I had been lying in the giant white bed, strapped in with rough leather cuffs that chaffed at my soft skin

There was a man who used to come around in the night to check on the patients. He liked small children and many times had tried to get me to things to him that no 8 year old should ever do or see. That night, he was more persistent then usual. He pulled down his pants and tried to make me grab him. I could still feel the vomit rising in my throat as I threw up all over my sheets and all over him.

He screamed and tried to hit me just as my father came in. He had been wondering the halls trying to find my room to come for a visit. It was his first time seeing me here.

When he saw this vile man on top of me, a mere child, he ripped him off me and punched him straight in the face.

It was, of course, a perfect blow.

He broke his nose and fractured the guy's cheekbone. Dad then pressed the nurse button on the side of my bed and within minute's two nurses, a doctor and 3 guards were in my small room, disgusted at what they saw.

The kind nurse named Joy that I had grown to trust had a furious expression on her face as she shot daggers at the bleeding man on the floor, her arms scooping my numb frame up and setting me down in the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

"Bella…can you tell me how long has this been going on? " She stripped me out of my little pink pj's and pulled me under the showers warm spray of water.

I felt it washing away all the badness that consumed me, and for that few minutes, I felt pure.

I shook my head furiously not wanting to relive it any time soon. She nodded in understanding and continued washing me, gently soaping my bruised body and being careful of my cuts and lovingly washed my hair. At that moment, she was more of a mother then anyone I had ever known in my life.

There was the shining radiance, a motherly glow that shone around her head like a halo, a symbol of all that is good and right in the world. It shocked me; I was in awe of the absolute perfection she embodied.

I wanted it, selfishly, for myself.

Later that night I was transferred into the children's ward because I wasn't deemed a threat to myself anymore because protective Marie had faded into a dim whisper that was much to quiet to influence me anymore.

The whole feel of the ward was different. It oozed warmth, a kindness and happiness. It felt calm and safe compared to the cold environment I had come from. It had colour and life.

I made friends, much to the happiness of the doctors and my father, and with continual and consistent therapy sessions with a lady called 'Miss Honey' (which I'm sure was made up) I was ready to go home 2 short years later.

Home to Charlie and our little white house. To my purple bedroom and fairy lights. To First Beach and all the rain that tiny little town near Washington could offer. I was 12 now and I hadn't been home in while. I was faced with puberty and a new school, making friends and trying not to relapse. It was a heavy amount of stress but I managed, mostly.

Charlie was great, he was always there when I needed him and was ready to help with anything I needed. But it wasn't always enough. Sometimes I needed that woman's touch. I got to know Sue Clearwater a bit better as she helped Charlie, as I got older to deal with woman's problems. I mean, how was a man who could hardly show any affection at the best of times to talk about how her body was changing and growing into a woman?

Let's just say it was best left unsaid.

I lived with Charlie for a while until my mother was released and I went back to live with her. It was okay for the most part until she met her new boyfriend and yet again, it was the same old Mum, back again for round 2. After a while of me dealing, Marie came back and I was really glad. I had missed her and she had a lot of catching up to do, or so she said. I was happy that she seemed to grow with age, like me and didn't stay at the age I created her. I didn't tell anyone about her of course but as we got older, Marie rebelled and we were discovered.

I stared up at the ceiling and sighed happily. This time tomorrow I would be with Charlie, and for the first time in years, I felt happy.