'Every night… every night for the last three weeks has been the same… I just don't know how to stop them. I try to stay awake, but each time, I fail miserably. It's gotten to the point that I wander the conscious world like a zombie, barely aware of what happens around me, and when I start to lose the battle for consciousness, when I close my eyes, I'm pulled back into the this world inside my head. Every single night I dream of her, and lose her all over again. My Kanan… At first the dream is heavenly and I'm with my beloved again. She's smiling, laughing… I can hold her close and almost feel her warmth as well as the small growths of new life in her stomach… but it's at that point that the dream takes a bad turn, and the dream I clung to becomes one that I try desperately to escape. I claw unconsciously at y sheets, as if literally trying to crawl out of the darkness inside my own mind, but it's no use- I'm trapped. The dream has e and never lets go until I am forced to see it all over again…and it always ends the same messy way. Tonight was no exception.'
Hakkai awoke with such a sudden start that is early threw his small companion off the bed. Hakuryuu flew up into the air for a moment, wary of his owner's unexpected moment and hovered there for a few seconds before landing down, staring in confusion at the sorry state Hakkai was in. his poor owner was sweating profusely, eyes wide in shock and horror, and his chest was heaving painfully. It was the dream again, Hakuryuu knew, and he kyuu'd softly in an attempt to sooth his master. There was little more he could do. The strain was starting to show on Hakkai's face, but it was getting worse and Hakkai could feel his chest ache with each painful breath he took in. He weakly grabbed his nightshirt, wanting so badly to ease his own pain and do away with his dreams. It was all too much…
"Kyuu?"
"…I can't…. I can't take this anymore…. It has to stop, or I'll…." Hakkai's body shook uncontrollably. It was as if his body and mind were completely out of his control, and he hated that. Hot streams cascaded down his face for several minutes before Hakkai realized he was even crying, and he covered his face to try and stop them. Like his shakes, like his dreams, he was powerless to stop them.
"Why… why is this happening to me…? Why do I have to see it every night….?" But Hakkai was only speaking out to a darkness that could not answer back. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and could barely remain coherent throughout the day… He needed to do something. He needed to tell someone… but who? Goku certainly wouldn't understand his problem or be able to come up with an answer. Gojyo was sincere- enough. But any advice he gave wouldn't help much, Hakkai was sure. Koume….. no, this was something he absolutely didn't want her to know about. He had kept her conception a secret for a reason- he didn't want to hurt her. That left only one person… but how would he react? Would he be able to help him? Well, he'd settle for even a single dreamless night. Looking out the window, Hakkai noticed how ominously the clouds were coming together. Just what he didn't need…. Rain. There would be no talking to Sanzo that day. It seemed as though even fate was working against Hakkai for he would have to bear his pain alone once more. His heaves and tears started to slow the longer he stared outside… he was starting to calm down, but it wasn't enough. He needed…..
Pushing his covers off sloppily, Hakkai stood on shaky legs and left his solitary room. He wandered down the hall, around a corner and stopped, staring silently at one particular door. He needed…. Slowly and soundlessly, he pushed the door open and wandered through the darkness until he made it to the bed. Looking down, he beheld her…. The one who wore the face of another- the face of the one he needed the most... Kanan… Koume was sleeping on her side, breathing soft and slow- a peaceful expression gracing her face. Hakkai couldn't help but feel jealous and bitter at how well others could sleep while he was tormented each and every night. But he knew it wasn't right to blame others… Sitting on the edge, Koume shifted only a little as the bed sunk, moving onto her back. Her oversized shirt slipped off her left shoulder slightly and showed Hakkai something he did not want to see: the top of the long scar which ran down over her heart. A wound that would never heal- a wound they shared in a symbolic sense. That day, both Hakkai and Koume were wounded by Kanan… but Hakkai could never blame his beloved for what she did. She had her reasons… even if Hakkai's broken heart couldn't fathom it. It hurt, yes… every day, it hurt him. But… he could never stop loving her… never stop missing her…
"Kanan…" Hakkai almost couldn't stand just how much Koume resembled her, but it wasn't something he could change… When she first arrived, it was almost unbearable. Her hair was long, pulled back in a loose braid… he asked her to cut it, but never told her why. She was always so eager to please and she cut it just like he asked. Anything he asked of her she always did; everything he needed, she did her every best to provide….. but she couldn't give him everything- she couldn't give him the one thing he wanted…. more time with Kanan. He would never hold her again or kiss her or hold her hand… and every day, Koume served as a painful reminder of that. He hated it…. But he was powerless to do anything about it.
As he sat there lighty stroking Koume's hair, he began to realize just how far his thoughts had begun to wander into the darkness so he shook his head to banish them for the time being. The rain really did bring out the worst in him. Already, he could tell that this was not going to be a good day. He wouldn't be able to force his smile for long and Sanzo would be even more of a pill, warranting his interjections in order to keep the peace… and to keep Sanzo from killing their companions. With a sigh, Hakkai decided to go back to his own room and attempt to get a few more hours sleep before chaos ensued. He would need to be well rested in order to keep up with the day's goings on. As he stood up, however, a had shot out through the darkness and took hold of his wrist, startling him for a minute and causing him to stiffen and jump slightly. If he hadn't hesitated, he may have let out a ki ball, but he was thankful for that when he realized whose hand had caught him: Koume. She looked up at him confusedly, seeing perfectly well through the darkness with those bright red eyes- eyes almost frighteninglydemonic.
"Hakkai?" At first, Hakkai's mouth couldn't form words, so his lips moved silently causing Koume's head to tilt more. She hardly seemed tired… almost as if she'd been awake the entire time. With Koume, it was hard to tell.. what she'd done, what she was thinking… But then, Hakkai supposed that everyone, no matter who they were, had the right to their own secrets. Confused and concerned about Hakkai's lack of audible response, Koume released his wrist and sat upright, hair curling slightly at the bottom in the absence of her ribbon.
"Are you okay?" Finally, Hakkai found the will to speak and forced his best smile.
"Y-yeah… I just…" Just what? What lie would sound convincing enough to warrant his intrusion into her room? He thought she was under attack? No, her own senses would have kicked in if that had been the case. He was sleepwalking? No, he wouldn't go there. And it wasn't time to eat, either. After a while of waiting, Koume made a guess of her own.
"Did you have a bad dream?" Such a simple thing.. but it wasn't a lie. Hakkai almost felt embarrassed about admitting it, but Koume wasn't the type to laugh at someone without good reason. Instead, she frowned at him for a moment to show her sympathy before a smile graced her soft lips. She then moved to the far end of the bed and patted the mattress.
"You can sleep here, then."
"B-but…"
"It's okay," she said with an even sweeter smile. "It's harder to have nightmares when you're surrounded by good thoughts." Hakkai wasn't so sure about that, but he still found himself climbing into the bed next to her, and almost as soon as his head hitthe pillow, he felt calmer. He couldn't explain it, but something about Koume's aura was soothing, relaxing… he could already feel consciousness leaving him, and when Koume's hand began softly combing through his hair, he was defeated. Within minutes, Hakkai was already asleep, and thankfully, it was dreamless. A sleep so deep that even nightmares and bad memories couldn't reach him.