Warning for character death and Re:Digitize: Decode spoilers. (Edited and updated: 08/14/15)
In an instant, she decides to lie.
Perhaps the lie is harmless, perhaps it isn't. She's never been sure about what's harmless for normal humans. She's never understood what sentimentality is either. Even love is little more than a construct.
But it's a fluttering construct, a butterfly instead of a heart.
Her first instinct, honed by years in this world of endless days and nights and everything dying and being born while she's stuck between growth and no growth and evolution and experimentation, is to squash it and squash it brutally. She's the only one here who can stay, who will stay. So there's no point in smiling, no point in dragging out the inevitable.
Except… now she is.
Why? Why?
Mirei can't put words to why, or feelings to it. Feelings have never matched her face. She doesn't know how to look confused or afraid, or even sad. She knows a smirk and the comforting tilt of a smile.
She knows she doesn't want them to leave her.
That is a stupid thought. They have to go back. She dragged them in to begin with.
She still wants them here. She still wants to be there.
She still wants.
"Mirei!" Taiga says her name with such an absurd feeling, rather like being ticklish. If she grasped the word 'goofy', it would be the only word for him. "Let's go!"
Love is a construct she cannot create. But…
"Yes." Her voice is weak and shaking, but he hears it and thinks nothing of its more unusual softness. "Let's."
She thinks she might love him.
So, she can lie too. She can play pretend. That's what you do when you leave the garden for the day.
The first feeling she grasps is the warmth. The warmth of millions of human bodies, each lacking the coldness of fighting in endless battles and seeing most of their life seeping into the dirt. The warmth of time passing, slowly, completely, a viscous circle. It is far outside of her, far away from this building.
She opens her eyes, lets them wander. Empty room. Dust tickling her nose. She knows where this is. The memory is faint. The memory is lost. She still knows this place.
Her feet move before she can stop them, shuffling steps. Her computer is resting on her arms and she pulls it close to her chest. It's the first thing she's ever made, the only thing to last and now its Digizoid case is a comfort because she doesn't know where to go and it's honestly quite frightening.
She knows fear is meant to be deeper than this. Perhaps this is exhilaration instead.
"You! What are you doing here?"
Security. They must have heard her walking. She hadn't tried to hide it. Looking back, that was silly. She's too used to humans being harmless. These might have guns. Could guns hurt her now?
"She's with me, weapons down."
Yuuya. Smooth, arrogant, every inch an heir in just a few words. His stride follows after, not a hint of swagger as there had been, but no less authority. His shoes don't make a sound. "I wanted her to check the security down here again. Since she got past you without any trouble, I suppose that means we have a few problems." He reaches her side and sneers, taking her arm before she can pull it away, "Maybe you all should be assigned to a more exciting post if it is that easy for a civillian to slip by you."
They stutter something; she finds it almost satisfying. Yuuya ignores it, not speaking until they are out of sight. "I wonder what it says that you ended up here."
His words are casual, and she thinks that she doesn't have to wonder. She has a past of monotony, a present of logic and a future of… what?
"If you come up with an entrancing theory, I'll hear you out."
He laughs. It's a surprise to hear it without the edge, the bitter edge that comes from growing up too fast. "Certainly, if I can spare the energy." A pause. "Welcome back."
The words don't fit, not his mouth nor the reality.
She has the proper answer, regardless. She practiced it on Taiga. "Thank you."
By the lift of Yuuya's eyebrow, perhaps it isn't the right answer.
She pretends not to notice, and focuses on the strange disconnect of her and her legs.
Taiga and Akiho are such strange people. They hug freely and long and it's almost claustrophobic. There's a well in her chest and it hurts because she has a strange desire that they never let her go.
They do of course and then Taiga smiles so brightly she thinks the sun is back up. "How did Yuuya find you?" he asks.
Mirei doesn't shrug. She's never understood it. "Instincts or perhaps security cameras." A smirk plays at her lips. "Were you worried?"
"Yes!" The answer is instant and makes warmth pool in her face. Her lips twitch again. "Of course! I mean, you're..." He trails off and red races down to his neck. She wonders if he is ill.
Are crushes the first stage of an illness?
"He's a worrywart," Niko supplies with a cocky smile. His arrogance is outright and goodnatured and fails to hide the sparks in his eyes. They were all worried about her.
It's comforting, it's frightening.
It hurts.
She has nowhere to live, no one waiting for her. It trips on her tongue to say so, so she doesn't.
Akiho picks up on it regardless. She had always seemed more intelligent than the boys at these sorts of things. She brings Mirei home like it means nothing and the pain in her chest is just as strong. Mirei thinks she might smile.
If love is a construct, friendship is a concept.
She could poke it full of holes if she wanted.
Then she thinks of the Vitium. Her eyes sting. She rubs them without comprehension.
"You can use some of my pajamas." Akiho chirps like her Digitorin, shamelessly bright and like a fireplace. "My parents got them for a growth spurt I haven't had so it'll work better for you."
The heat wants to crawl into her again and Mirei only nods, holding it at bay. Her emotions, normally so faint, so busy sleeping, are now everywhere, now trying to make a point. It's like the pain in her chest. It's like the light. She finds it horribly disorienting. "Thank you," she finally says.
"Don't be so awkward!" Akiho plants the fabric into her arms. "We're friends after all. You brought us together. You helped us meet our Digimon. Don't worry, don't worry!"
Mirei goes to change, the word 'friend' echoing in her ears, mixing with the pounding of blood. She's never bled before, not anytime except for puberty and she isn't certain that is blood even now.
Scary…
She's reminded of her early days, small, left in the desert, wandering into a forest, collapsed under a waterfall, when she had no memory, no self, no nothing.
When she was alone.
Even before… the sea… the sea beneath the trembling ground, the constant…
"Mirei!"
She lowers her hands slowly. Blood oozes from her nails, grooves etched into her temples. Akiho has a hand on her back. It takes her a moment to realize she is on the bathroom floor, kneeling there. Her glasses have hit the floor, without a single crack.
Akiho rubs her back without thought and it hurts and it's warm and Mirei does not understand why the simple action is either of those things.
She asks and Akiho's face ripples. She doesn't understand either? But she is the real person here. Then Akiho smiles, as though the answer is like understanding a math equation.
"Because sometimes, when people want to throw up, the feeling makes them a little more sick before their stomachs can relax. And… cause, knowing someone is there, knowing there is someone around, is the best medicine."
Mirei looks at her, puzzled. It helps to have people with you? Does it? Then… why…?
Why was I…?
The scars on her feet begin to throb.
She isn't sure if she wants to think about it any further. There are too many variables with no hypothesis.
Mirei isn't used to this type of confusion.
Rina doesn't seem to care about confusion unless it's hers. Mirei doesn't mind this, as it's a sign of her honesty.
That doesn't mean she is completely oblivious, rather it means the opposite. An inconvenience to her friends is an inconvenience to her and that's just not interesting.
Mirei isn't sure if she can make sense of that.
Rina reaches over at random and tugs at her cheeks, forcing them upward.
Mirei bats her away, pawing back."What on earth was that for?" She wants to sigh because Rina always does these strange things, but seeing as she is supposed to try and understand humanity, being one of some sort, she figures it's imperative to figure it out.
"You need to smile more." She continues to tug at Mirei's cheeks and it seems like it should hurt. "Taiga can't just look at you staring off into space forever."
Mirei feels her ears heat up and she has to wonder why. "Do I?"
"Well, it's that or you're thinking about something important." Rina flops back onto her bed behind Mirei herself. "He thinks you're cute!"
"Cute?" She parrots the word because it's not something she has heard until being around the others, or perhaps once or twice from Jijimon. It's never been directed at her.
"Yup yup!" Rina laughs. "Course, he doesn't realize it. He's a boy, and boys and girls recognize their feelings a lot differently. Cause you like him too. I know you do and you know you do! Right?"
Mirei looks down at her and thinks about it. She likes her friends… as much as she's ever liked anyone. But Taiga… he was the one who knew the answer, who performed the experiment willingly despite every indication he really shouldn't. Taiga had helped her. And his face back then… when they were supposed to separate.
"It's possible," she finally says.
Rina grins. "So yes, right?"
Mirei wants to nod, but an ache in her chest says that will give Rina a satisfaction she doesn't need.
Or perhaps that pain is from something else.
Taiga often makes excuses to hold her hand. He seems to think she'll wander off and never come back. It's an entertaining prospect, but with nowhere to go, she doesn't see much merit in it. She does not mind the handholding either. As Tailmons, her cats did the same thing. She was still too small for them not to worry about her, not to panic over her back then. As far as she has been able to tell, they always have thought that.
She doesn't mind. It is a tactile gesture that makes her chest warm. The warmth is accompanied by pain yet again, but she supposes it's a small price to pay.
Taiga takes her hand under the patio table, holds it in the city while they go to the park. He seems afraid to let go.
"Your hand is warm," is his reply when she asks. His face is pink, so perhaps that isn't why. Or perhaps it is. She can't say for sure.
Her face heats up, and yet she can't smile. She tries though, and for some reason that makes him look away.
"Are you ill?"
"N-No..."
This makes Yuuya laugh. Nico tries to punch him.
Mirei wonders who has the more confusing social dynamic: boys or girls. Or maybe it is simply all of them.
The pain hurts her legs.
Love is a construct. Friendship is a concept. They are intangible, but perhaps they are real.
"That's so cute!"
Mirei looks up from her computer. The connection is so much slower here… She tilts her head to see what Akiho is looking at.
"The dress?"
"Yeah!" Akiho twirls around with it, the gentle red fabric almost overwhelming. "We should get you something light to wear too. It's summer." A pause. "Taiga might think it's cute anyway."
"Is… everyone aware of this?"
"That he's about as love with you as he can get?" Akiho laughs. "Everyone except him."
Mirei hums to herself, soothing her heartbeat, feeling the familiar agitated thrum in her torso. "Is that right?" There's something to use in that.
"Don't toy with him Mirei," Akiho chides. "Not until you look even cuter than you are."
There's a compliment in there somewhere, she assumes, because of Akiho's guileless smile. "Where would I begin?" A part of her is rebelling against this. Taiga never commented on that sort of thing before.
"I'll show you. Come on, it'll be fun."
Mirei nods. She doesn't feel like that was a question she was meant to answer, but Akiho seems happy enough.
She can only hope the younger girl doesn't notice how heavy her breathing is.
Yuuya is always busy.
It's a fact of life apparently, much like Rina refuses to wear shirts unless it's winter and Taiga's mother beats the laundry six times. He is always busy with one thing or another.
Regardless, he still nearly orders her to sit with him in his office room once a week. She doesn't complain. It's interesting to see GIGO from the inside, think of what memories it stirs up. There aren't many, Yuuya often asks her about them. However, after a while, he simply asks her any questions. He's always expectant, and she found that amusing.
So she expects answers right back. He's the easiest one to tease. Taiga is too oblivious.
He's almost the hardest to fool.
Taiga never hesitates to act once a decision is made. Mirei's found the trait useful and irritating. It caused a rift in a team that already had too many. It's stopped the Vitium, like they wanted to be.
It also causes him to do something that makes all of their friends have the most unusual reactions.
Today is apparently a lunch date. Mirei has stopped paying attention to anything during the walk, let alone what they are doing. It is getting harder to breathe. She's surprised it's going so slow. Only one month and the exhaustion has yet to be unbearable.
Perhaps it is her lack of focus (she should know better, truly, considering where she lived.) that causes her not to notice, but she's pulled from it all abruptly by Taiga putting their lips together.
The sensation isn't uncomfortable but it's most certainly different.
Their lips touch and it's surprisingly warm. It feels… almost peaceful.
Then Rina and Akiho shriek at the same time and Nico swears in surprise. Taiga pulls away and Mirei stumbles, feeling her balance take a severe nose dive. Yuuya catches her arm. She hides her wince and looks over at him. "Something the matter?"
"That was forward," Yuuya supplies. He's smirking but the smirk has an extra edge. This must be a small social cue she's missed.
Taiga's face turns pink. "S-sorry..." They all relax. What were they worried about? "It was forward. You just looked worried about something, so I… I just-"
"I didn't mind." She still doesn't. A part of Mirei would like to repeat the experience. The rest of her would just like to sit down.
It's getting worse.
Nico is rarely alone with her.
She believes it's on purpose. She doesn't mind this, not that she has a reason to.
He twitches a lot when they're in the same space and he keeps glancing at her. Perhaps he sees.
Then why doesn't he speak about it?
It's not worth asking. It is one thing to pry into things that may concern her, but it's another to completely nose into his business. They've never known each other very well, and he's never been as close to her as the others.
Yet somehow he is the most attentive. He tells the others to slow when she senses a strong ripple and she needs to sit. She wakes up sometimes to find a blanket over her when Taiga isn't around and gets into arguments with Yuuya when she needs to be distracted.
He knows, she realizes. His father must have helped him to figure it out, whether he meant to or now.
She's grateful for his silence.
Mirei isn't sure it's worth it however. Her time is running short.
Mirei knows her time is now. She knows and she is aware she cannot lie about it any further. Her chest thrums and aches and her limbs and lungs sing a mournful farewell. She wishes she could tell her partners goodbye, but perhaps they have already left into the Digital Sea. Will she return there as well? Will she reincarnate with them? Become the Digimon she has always felt she was?
Or perhaps she is a true human now, from living in this world? She doesn't know.
All she knows is that her death is coming. All she knows is that it is sudden and it will be painful.
Mirei also knows that she is afraid.
She sits against a tree trunk and breathes. She breathes slow and even and sweet. It's so good, so good to breathe through her failing body. Will the others come? From her vague email? They did before. She wants to see them. She wants to remember they care because they do. She has no theory to support that but enough evidence and she care about them too.
She… she cares about more than her garden and her cats.
She wants to see them before she dies.
She wants to see him.
"Taiga." Mirei mumbles the word. It's not a prayer, not a benediction; she has never believed in those things. She has believed in hope. Are they the same? Are they connected somehow?
She is so silly, thinking of these things now.
"Taiga," she mumbles. "You're infecting me. You've infected me."
She's accepting that. She wants that.
Mirei turns to watch the sun travel downward. How many has she seen now? How many days has she missed counting the rising stars and thinking of the old mythology? There's a stinging in her eyes. She pushes it back. It's just another pain to add to the rest, to add to her end.
Maybe she will leave this world alone, like she was born into the Digital World alone. It would be quieter. It would hurt more. How would the others feel? She sags back against the tree. I don't wish to see it… that pain in their faces.
That was why she had come here in the first place. Her vision blurs and she removes her glasses, rubbing her eyes and pinching her nose. "Am I going to go blind and deaf before I die? That would be somewhat awful..."
She closes her eyes. Her headache eases ever so slightly. Better, so much better. She lets out a soft hum. It is still lonely. Mirei is alone again. What's going to happen to me?
Angewomon had assumed she would go as they did, as the Digimon returned to the sea to be reborn, so would she. LadyDevimon told her it was too soon to think of such things.
She thinks now that they're both wrong and that she is scared. They are not here with her to make it better and that is her fault. No one is here.
"Everyone..." Her eyes sting and then her cheeks are wet. It hurts. It hurts. She doesn't know what she is doing but it hurts. "I miss you… I want to see you."
Friendship is a concept. Love is a construct.
She cannot have either. She cannot feel either.
But she is. There is no logic to this and she doesn't know where the pattern would be to begin with.
"I..." Her throat closes in on itself. It's never done that before. "I..."
"Mirei!"
It's a chorus of voices and it forces her eyes open, her body taut. She can't move her neck but she can still hear them shouting her name.
"Mirei!"
She forces herself to move, to look away from the trees, to see them. They are so close and so far. She wants to get up, but her legs don't answer. When they stop, they each have their own expression of horror.
"What?" she whispers. She can't see her face, but she makes herself look down at her flimsy hands. "Oh… I see… how intriguing..." She no longer has the body of a young adult. She is little more than a pre-teen, perhaps even a child. Akiho's clothes are pooling over her. It's almost cute. "If only I had the energy to study this."
"Idiot," Niko says and the word is fond and cracking his voice. She thought he was supposed to have hit puberty by now. "This isn't the time for scientific theory."
"Isn't it always?" She lifts her shoulders and pulls her arms forward, resting her hands in her lap. "Have you never... found time to wonder?"
"Once again." Yuuya's voice is a sigh, "You are deviating from the topic at hand."
"That is because you all are enraptured with it." Her eyes sting and her lips twitch like a cat's nose. "I have to wonder how you all can be curious and narrow-minded at the same time. Haven't you learned from Sherlock Holmes?"
"Stop it!" Akiho shouts. "Stop doing this! We need to help you! What do we need to do?"
Her chest hurts. "Nothing." Mirei wonders where the even voice comes from because it can't be her mouth. "I did this to myself. There's nothing that can be done. I'm dying."
"You're what?"
Taiga's eyes… she can't look away and she wants to. Her tongue fumbles. She's stuttering, how can she stutter now? "I...I wanted to come with you all… I knew the consequences of doing so, being what I am." She makes herself tear away her gaze, looking at all of them. She thinks her diminished appearance is softening them somehow. She has less urge to kick baby levels, if any at all when she sees them, so it must be something similar. There's a term for it. She can't recall it.
Yuuya steps closer. She can't find the energy to move away from the aggression in his face, like she would have, or even to react to it and flee, as this form would do. "You… you're not an ordinary human after all." His voice is satisfaction and resignation. He knew, of course. Mirei had assumed one of them would figure it out before she said anything.
"I don't understand," Taiga says and his voice sends throbs up her eardrums. She wants to block it out.
"My body is only data," she replies with her cat's smile. "It always has been. It couldn't last in the human world. I wanted to test if it could, my own experiment. I suppose I was correct… if only for a short period of time." She hisses before she can stop herself. The pain is like the heat of lava now. "No matter. The experiment needed to reach its conclusion anyway… you all need to go onto normal lives. With this, the Digital World will leave you be you see… I was too selfish..."
They move closer, like a pack of dogs. Her eyes are burning but she can see their shapes. Even with her glasses on, they blur.
Mirei isn't sure, but she might be smiling. "I didn't expect it to end like this," she says. "I thought I was going to be alone. But, I am not, am I? You are with me, you are all with me..." Chest pain, so much, heavy lungs. It's going to hurt. Dying is going to hurt.
"I… I..."
I'm afraid…
Warmth, something warm. She makes her eyes open, sees the dark of Taiga's sweater, feels his arms gently around her. He's trembling. There is water leaking from his eyes.
"Oh..." she breathes. "Oh, I apologize, I have made you cry..."
"Stop that..." Taiga swallows. "Stop trivializing it! You're dying… you're scared… it's okay to be scared. We're here and it's… it's not fair. We won! We were supposed to win..."
Her arms twitch. It's a weary sensation. But she raises them anyway, forces them around Taiga's waist. In this form, she can't even clasp her hands together. "Don't let go," Mirei murmurs. "Please, everyone, stay."
It is the first real hug she has given someone in living memory. She can't waste it.
She knows they don't have to stay and watch, it might even be easier if they didn't, but they do. They stay and they speak of memories, tell stories of themselves, talk about things she has never heard before. Mirei will take all of this with her into the sea, or the sky, or wherever it is she's going to go. She will remember this.
"I love you," she whispers. The others are dozing when the moment comes. Taiga barely stirs, but he hasn't let her go. "I love you. I shouldn't have, but I love you. I shouldn't be able to. I love you, Taiga. I love our friends. I love this feeling." She is babbling. She has never babbled before. So many new experiences. "I don't want to go. I want to stay, don't let go."
Taiga touches her forehead with his lips (a kiss, she remembers in a hazy dream, a kiss) and somehow it is more than when he did that to her mouth. Her face is warm, her body is warm. "I won't," he whispered. "Promise. When you come back, it'll be a better world, one you can be with us in."
She laughs. It's almost a giggle. "If it's you all, I suppose I will just have to test that theory." There is no pain. There is only relief, only freedom.
Only tears, love, and Mikagura Mirei fading away into the setting sun.
Taiga, years later, finds himself wandering the borders of Digital CITY. Yuuya had called them to help build this place, the reincarnation of File CITY, while he was a college student. It was the project he had never realized he needed.
It had been the closure he hadn't realized he needed.
He doesn't think of Mirei.
Well, that isn't true. He thinks of her. Often. When children laugh (because he thinks he has only heard it once), at the sound of puppies in someone's yard (for the time she almost brought them to his house not knowing any better), when the newest theory is proven right or the latest computer comes on sale, he thinks of what she loved, even though she couldn't understand the word any better than he could.
It's almost inescapable with the others.
They've all moved forward with their lives. It's still weird to think that there's a life after someone's death, and that it will come whether you're ready for it or not.
Nico barely speaks of her, but of his father and his aging mind, while he advises the future of the CITY, of the Tamer Union to come. He's always excitable even now. Not even Rina is like that and she is making toys for children. She is visiting hospitals with the biggest smile and silliest heart.
"I don't think Digizoid is toxic for children under three," she tells him once and he laughs himself hoarse because he has no idea either.
Yuuya strides up beside him, sharp in his suit, slender under its weight. "How is it?"
"The view?" Taiga laughs, looking at the Digital World below them. "Incredible. The wait time, not so much."
Yuuya laughs. It has never been able to be a deep sound, but light, airy almost. "You're one to talk. You're usually late." His fingers brush Taiga's sleeve and Taiga rolls his eyes.
"I think you've helped me manage to work out that issue."
He chuckles again. "Wherever should I fix you next? Your fashion sense is impossible."
"Don't you dare. I like orange and blue."
They both snort. It's hardly true anymore and they both know it.
Taiga sighs in irritation a few moments later. "Where are they?"
"The apprentices are in training before this. They might have been punted into a shower." Yuuya pauses. "Knowing Akiho, they were definitely punted into a shower."
Taiga buries his coughing into his elbow. "That's just like her." He turns around, half facing Yuuya and half the passerby. "I hope she doesn't try to wash off all of the sweat. We'd be here until the next holiday." He musses his hair. "Do you know what's got her so insistent on meeting with us?"
"I believe she said something about the YMIR algorithim," Yuuya replies thoughtfully, smirking at something Taiga can't possibly know. "That program from File CITY. She believes they need to avoid reactivating it after that Chronomon fiasco."
Taiga nodded. "That's Akiho all right, and you too."
"Being prepared for eventualities is not necessarily a similarity." Yuuya almost looks put out with him. He's long since lost the "I run the GIGO company, therefore I am a complete bastard" look in Taiga's presence. You lose that after a few drinks and Taiga's insistent dragging him to Christmas dinner, among other things.
"It's not necessarily a bad thing either."
Taiga dodges the playful swipe towards his ear, hearing the bounce of rubber against tile over Yuuya's amused grunt. Fortunately for him, he manages to catch said kickball under his foot.
"I'm sorry." The little voice that spoke is slightly high. The little girl, purple hair loose at her ears, peers down at the from the top of a the park fence. "Could I have my ball back please? Plotmon hit it too far."
"Sorry!" chirps the little Digimon. Another Plotmon lets out a bark of laughter
Yuuya lets out a snort. Anyone who apologizes like that is never sorry. "If only you had hit him, you could have gotten out more dead brain cells."
"I resent that." Taiga tosses the ball over and the little girl lets out a faint giggle that makes his blood chill.
"Thank you very much," she says, beginning to lower herself from the fence. "I apologize for disturbing you."
"Wait!" Taiga fails to swallow his outburst. It's not the first time. She pauses and looks at him. Yuuya is looking at him. The purple is too much, too bright. But it's there. "How..." he falters. "How is your heart?"
A puzzled frown makes its way across her face. Then she smiles and something warm bubbles up a smile. "It's fine sir. It's perfect. Thank you for asking."
"Sa-yo!" whines the voice of the Plotmon. Sayo turns and drops out of sight behind the fence, not looking back.
"That was an abstract question," Yuuya notes.
Taiga smiles and rests his hand over Yuuya's sleeve. "No, it isn't."
They all had kept their promises, in their own way.
A/N: Hello! More gameverse! Make me stop! Actually, don't this is fun. Hey Onix, this is all yours. Anyway, thanks for reading and please drop a review in the box, it really helps me out, along with anything else you offer. thank you again!
Challenges: Jigsaw Puzzle challenge number 20, Pairing Diversity prompt 16: I love you (pairing: Taiga/Mirei), AU Diversity (alternate ending!AU) prompt 46. file, Diversity Writing Challenge H31. Write an alternate ending, Monthly Challenge 5: write in present tense, and Valentine's to White Day Advent day 8. Write a death!fic.