I gripped the knife in my hand, my training taught me to never let go of my weapon. I felt the blood and rain cling to my dirty cargo pants. The iron cross still around my neck. It was identical to his. The body lay on the ground, a bloody mess. With crimson eyes closed and his mouth slightly agape, he looked the most peaceful I've ever seen him. His silvery-white hair was matted with blood; it stuck to the side of his face as if it was glued. The shirt he was wearing was drenched with rain water and congealed blood, a hole in the middle showing his wound. I could hear police sirens and see blinking, florescent lights. I didn't have much time.
My hands were shaking more than a man with Parkinson's disease. Tears streamed down my face, like a never ending waterfall. All the feelings that had been bottled up for so many years had finally come out. He was my brother; he would have hated to see me like this, a monster, but I hated seeing him the way he was, an addict. I fell to the ground and held his bloody body to me, the thunder sung above me, it was soothing to listen to as I closed my eyes and remembered, years ago we had been so close, until that one time.
We were at a friend's party when he decided to get drunk and when he gets drunk he gets aggressive, but this night was worse than any other. He said and did some unforgivable things. I ignored him and his impractical ways for weeks, but he just kept doing it. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex… Death. After a while it got too far out of hand. Something had to be done! The argument we had is still fresh in my mind. This is how my story began.
"What are you thinking? This is exactly why I didn't want to be a part of this anymore!" I shouted, infuriated at him for his ignorance.
"What? We are in this together! We're brothers; we stick together till the end!" he was so hung up on the ridiculous idea that we had to do everything together. The amount of times I've had to save him the most dangerous situation and I get the stick for it.
"That's it, isn't it? You just can't face the fact that it is the end. It was the end for you a long time ago. You can't keep this up; I'm not going to be there for you anymore, Gil. I've had enough of this. I saved your life in the war, and how do you repay me? By becoming the most ungrateful, unforgiving, disrespectful idiot, and what about Roderich? He's our brother as well" I'd had enough of holding back the obvious truth.
"So you're going to pull out the war card again? I thought you'd have a bit more decency, and Roderich hated me, he only had time for you, not that I care." he cocked his head to one side as he said it. That response really made my blood boil.
"You want to talk to me about decency? Grow up Gilbert! I hope you realize the extent of the damage you've done. All you ever do is cause trouble. How many friends have you killed now?" I hated arguing with him but I had to get through to him somehow.
"…8, not including Ivan." He had aged as he said that. The realisation dawned on him. It all came crashing down on him like an unsupported building, but there is a difference between the unsupported building and him. The building had no support, he did.
All of his mistakes, problems and addictions came flooding into my mind and into his as well. There was an eerie silence as we remembered every incident. He had fallen to his knees in defeat, no longer was there a puppet master to hold him by his strings and keep him upright. Silent sobs seeped through his muscular body. He didn't deserve comforting. He needed to understand the truth. The chaos that was our lives had become too much for him, so he created his own personal world where everything was perfect. It didn't help him, it just made excepting the truth harder.
After that, he had changed. It wasn't for the good though. A new puppet master has picked up the strings and started again. His drinking habits had become worse. He wouldn't come home for weeks on end and then return looking like a complete mess. Usually I was the one to pick up the pieces. Before-when he had friends-they would help him, but he just ended up killing them one-by-one in a drunken rage. The only reason I wasn't dead was because there was one thing he stuck to and that was 'we're brothers, we're in this together'. Incredible.
I walked into the house, expecting Gilbert to come barrelling down the hallway drunk, but instead I was greeted with dark, lonely silence. It was deafening. I quietly made my way to the kitchen, and as I turned the light on I found Gilbert fast asleep on the table, there were about ten empty bottles of beer surrounding him, making his face look slightly green. I left him where he was and went to bed, which brings us back to me sat on the grass in my front garden clutching my dead brother for dear life. Or in this case death.
As I turned on the bathroom light, I heard someone come into my room, so I quickly grabbed knife from my bedside table. I turned to find Gilbert standing in the doorway with a smashed empty beer bottle. He was still drunk.
"Gil, put down the bottle, and we can talk." I knew he wouldn't, I was just trying to stall him.
"You weren't there for me bruder, what am I meant to do without you?" He had a hurt expression but I had a feeling it wasn't real.
"what-" I was cut off by a broken beer bottle coming at me, I ducked and rolled over and quickly got up again, just in time to block a sloppy punch he tried to throw at me. He kept attempting to hit me, not many of them meeting their intended target. I pushed him off me and ran downstairs to call the police, or anyone for that matter. I heard his footsteps coming down the steps, loud and slow. I ran outside, it was easier to fight outside, even if it was raining.
I heard nothing for a while, and then he came sauntering out the house with a knife in his right hand. A drunken smile plastered on his face. Without any noise he came at me, swiping at my torso, but only catching my vest. I hit back, slashing across his body in one hard strike. He clutched his bleeding stomach before weakly running over to me; he managed to land a couple of blows, nothing major. Then I found him on the floor. Dead.
Lightning had added to the thunder, casting a light glow onto the street around us. I had never seen the weather so bad in this part of Germany since the war. The police were coming, getting closer and closer with each non-existent heartbeat.
My blond hair fell into my tear-stained eyes, rain dripping off the ends. I lay down on the grass, my brother beside me. I was falling deeper into subconscious by the second; I had passed out completely by the time the police came to take both me and Gilbert away.
When I woke I couldn't see anything. I was no longer lying on the ground in the rain, but I felt cold hard metal instead. I tried to sit up, but I was exhausted and my entire body felt as if it was on fire. The walls that imprisoned me were made completely of metal, there was no window, there was nothing apart from the 'bed' I was currently on. There was nothing I could use to break out, I didn't have my knife or any of the other weapons stashed away in my cargos. Footsteps sounded out at least 10 metres down the hall, but getting closer each minute. They stopped at my door. Keys jangled around until a high-pitched squeak emitted from the metal door. An officer stood proudly at my door with a frown on his face.
"Your bail has been posted." Bail? Who would even think that I deserved to be set free? I didn't say anything as the officer let me pass him. He was watching me with a wary expression that showed obvious distrust. I followed him through the dimly lit hallways. Officers strolled past, going about their daily shift. All wore the same uniform, the same expression; it was comforting in a way. I had never been one for smiles and hugs. The rest of the prison flew past in a blur.
"You're one lucky man, no-one ever posts bail for idiots like you" I could tell that this was a rare occurrence and he wasn't very pleased with the outcome.
"I am not lucky, nor am I an idiot, I just knew the truth, unlike most of the oblivious people on this earth" I said in a hushed tone, before turning my back and heading to the entrance where they unlocked my handcuffs and handed me my weapons. I thanked them and walked out into the moonlight, my boots silent against the gravel.
As the gates opened I could see a figure standing alone. His coat flapping in the wind. The brunette curl on the top of his head stuck out as usual, the light from the prison reflected off his glasses. I recognised him straight away. Roderich. I saw his expression first; his violet eyes looked upset but relieved. I stood in front of him, tears threatening to escape from my eyes.
I didn't bother saying anything, knowing that Roderich would rather not listen to an apology that wasn't even meant for him. It was meant for Gilbert.
"…lets go, this place is depressing" he turned on his heel and walked back to the car. Typical Roderich, always to the point, with no intentions to comfort me. He's right as well, I don't deserve this and he knows it, yet he's continually there for me. He will pick up the broken pieces that otherwise couldn't be fixed and turned them into something worthwhile. I, on the other hand, turn everything good into something bad-as did Gilbert.
I knew that there wasn't much point with conversation so the ride home was a heavy silence filled with regret and shame.
The Austrian's house was usually peaceful. Beautiful. Tonight, it looked dark, cold and empty, just like me. I walked up to the spare room, which had recently been turned into mine considering how many nights I've stayed here. I stood for what felt like ages, just contemplating the last 24 hours of my twisted life.
"Are you going to just stand there? Or are you going to tell me what happened?" I didn't move; I heard him walk to the window, clearly waiting for me to explain myself.
"Where's Eliza?" I asked, avoiding his question. Eliza was his fiancée; my guess is that he didn't want her near me.
"She's at a friend's, now don't change the subject, just tell me what happened." I closed my eyes. I scrubbed my face with hands before turning to face Roderich.
"I was merely trying to defend myself from the drunken psycho albino. I was trying to calm him down" I cringed at the raged Austrian in front of me.
"Calm him down? He's really calm now! Isn't he?" I turned away at that.
"If you're going to criticize me on a mistake I knew I made, I will walk back to prison and have them put me back in my cell." Silence.
"You will not. I dread to know what would happen to you in there." Now I was confused, he switched sides so quickly I wasn't sure what was going on. There was something off about the way he was talking about this.
"Why do you care? That is where I'm supposed to be, I murdered our brother! Mein gott! Where else am I meant to be?" he turned to face me, a hurt expression covered his pale features.
"Someone has to care! I love you Ludwig, but you're not making it easy for me." I loved him too, he was my brother, I had to. I felt like such a hypocrite, I shouldn't be here. I fell onto the bed with an ungraceful display, flailing my arms and legs. Roderich snorted and left without another word, I was rather glad. I didn't want to talk anymore.
'Might as well have a shower, I don't need another reminder of what happened' I thought as I stripped myself of the bloody remains that were my vest and cargos. The bathroom was large. A bath in the left hand corner and a shower in the right. I turned on the hot water, letting it rain down on my beat down body, the blood turning the water underneath me red. It felt good.
I turned off the water and grabbed a towel from the rack. Wrapping it around my waist I walked into my room to find new clothes set out on the bed for me, neatly folded, just how I liked it. I dried off and changed quickly, before heading downstairs.
A soft piano melody sounded from the study. Roderich did always love his music, that's what separated him from Gilbert and me. I stepped into the study listening to the tune change from Beethoven to Mozart. He didn't stop playing as I came and sat next to him. The tune was very familiar and stirred something that had been buried for years. In that moment it all came spilling out. I broke down. All the pain, regret, mistakes turned into floods of tears. I felt physically sick, choking on the involuntary sobs that raked through my body.
The melody stopped, I felt arms come around to embrace me. I just sat there and cried until I could cry no more. It was like a giant weight had just been lifted off me, I must have looked so pathetic, and I just want to go back to prison. The warmth that was provided from my brother wasn't comforting in the slightest, but it was nice to know that he cared.
"Are you feeling better now?" truthfully, I wasn't feeling better but I couldn't be bothered to tell him that.
"Ja, I just think I need some sleep, that's all." I stood and left, ran up the stairs and locked my bedroom door behind me.
Weeks passed. I didn't sleep all that well. Nightmares plagued my mind, they weren't really nightmares, more like horrible memories from my life that have scarred me mentally and physically. I couldn't deal with it, but I wasn't a child, I couldn't go running to Roderich, though I wished I could. I woke up one night covered in cold sweat and tears. I had to leave.
I stepped out into the rain, pulling my collar further up in a feeble attempt to keep me warm. I had no idea where I was going to go, I just walked and walked. Luckily Roderich's house is in the middle of nowhere.
"Where do you think you're going?" I stiffened. That wasn't Roderich's voice, it was his. I turned to see him standing there, arms crossed with the usual smirk on his face.
"Wha-? Y-you're s-supp-posed to be d-dead." I had to be hallucinating.
"Dead? Who said I was dead?" the police.
"I killed you! How are you still alive? I held your dead body!" his face looked shocked and confused, but quickly changed to disbelief.
"When did you kill me? I do remember waking up in the hospital but they said that I was attacked by a lunatic, I didn't know it was you!" so he did manage to survive. I didn't feel guilty anymore, I felt betrayed, cheated. He was meant to be dead, not in front of me. I refused for my life to go back to the way it was before.
"You were drunk, you threw a beer bottle at me, and I was trying to protect myself, when I stabbed you. You fell to the ground. Dead. Why are you still here?" I was going crazy. I didn't know what I going to do. I should get Roderich to sort this out. My head was starting to hurt. Gilbert came to take a step closer.
"Don't come near me! You're not real, I'm hallucinating. Argh! I don't know anymore." I clutched my head and fell to my knees in confusion.
"I am real bruder." He kneeled down in front of me, so we were level with each other. I pushed him away and stumbled to get up. The rain was getting heavier; soon it was going to be hard to see, especially since it was the middle of the night.
"Ludwig? What's wrong with you?" he sounded genuinely confused. I would be if my brother just told me he'd killed me, but I knew that he was just playing a game.
"Nothing wrong with me. Why would there be anything wrong?" my smile was bittersweet. This is a two player game. I stood up straight, giving me an advantage. I had always been taller than him. I slowly reached around my back and pulled out the gun stashed there. I kept it behind me for now.
"Well you seem to be a bit off tonight, that's all." We were playing with each other. Stalling. We have a sick relationship. I saw a glint of metal in his right hand; I raised my gun as he raised his. My blues eyes never left his red ones. They glinted teasingly. I saw his finger tighten on the trigger, I copied. Everything went in slow motion from there.
He pulled the trigger. I rolled away but not before it could catch me in the arm. I groaned, got up slowly still aiming at him, my finger hovered of the trigger. One small move could sort this. I could shoot him and go to jail and have no life, or I could let him shoot me, also ending in me having no life. I ignored the excruciating pain in my left arm and weighed my options very carefully. He decided on the latter. I let him do it. I closed my eyes as I heard the gun fire. There was no pain, no gaping hole in my body. I opened my eyes to find him once again lying on the ground, a mess of tangled limbs and blood. This time for good. I didn't cry this time knowing that I didn't kill him and that he chose for him to die. Blood loss took over my vision as I passed out on the wet ground.
When I woke it wasn't on wet ground. I was once again in a metal room with no window and a 'bed'. I sighed and found that as I tried to lift my left arm, it was held in a sling across my body. Wow. Last night was real, but this time I was innocent. Great, now I was stuck here. Roderich wasn't going to come and post bail. Not this time. I had betrayed his trust, once again. Like before the door to my cell opened to find an officer but I had a feeling it wasn't because bail had been posted. He had hand-cuffs in his hands, I held out my right hand for him, not bothering to argue or protest knowing the consequences would include pain.
"You have a visitor, your brother's here to see you" I was nervous, what would Roderich think of me now? I just nodded and followed him to a room somewhere in the prison; I didn't really pay attention to its location. I sat down opposite Roderich, emotionless.
"I didn't kill him this time, he killed himself" I said it with as much dignity as possible. Roderich stared at me for a few seconds before answering
"I know that, you know that, but they don't know that. You said yourself you didn't deserve to be let out before. I personally don't think you belong here but they just want to keep for a few months to see what happens. I mean, you kill your brother, who is really alive then he shoots you and shoots himself, that's quite the experience" he lent on his elbows watching me intently, hoping to spark a response.
"I've had worse and you know it. I don't feel even guilty, he ruined his own life. I think in that moment he finally realized that. It was too much for him before, but I think that was just the end for him and he knew it." I stared into space as I spoke.
"Okay, I've had enough of hiding the truth, the reason I posted bail was because I knew Gilbert was still alive, the doctors had told me but to make sure that you thought he was dead, so then you didn't do it again. I told them you were a relatively calm person, but they thought otherwise. I wanted to tell you, but they just wouldn't let me." That's why he sounded off when we were talking back that night when I got back.
"Well, they didn't tell him that I attacked him so, I guess they were trying to keep both of us in the dark. Why didn't you tell me? I would have been fine with it." Actually I would of killed him all over again, just for good measure.
"Well, the doctors weren't sure you could handle it" right, well that was true, I couldn't handle it, I'm just glad that no-one else apart from Gilbert saw my breakdown.
"Huh, no-one knows the truth these days, they just believe it as fake justice, it makes me sick. Almost as sick as the amount of Jews I had to kill." I ran a hand through my messy hair as I said it.
"That is why I live in the middle of nowhere." Ha. No it's not, he lives there because he hates people in general, if he could have it his way, well, it would be interesting.
"I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, well Gilbert, convinced me I was doing the right thing and when I got the iron cross, wow, I thought I was the best… now look at me." I held the iron cross tightly in my uninjured hand.
"No-one can blame you for that, well they can but that's not the point. The point is that Gilbert is dead, for better or worse, who knows." He stood up, I followed suit.
"I'll see you in a few months then" I replied, trying to get my head around everything that had been said just now.
"Hopefully by then you will have figured out the truth and what you're going to do with yourself." He pulled his coat over his shirt and turned around to leave.
"I hope I figure out the truth too" I said that more to myself then to Roderich. He nodded a goodbye; I nodded back before being escorted back to my cell, where I was left in the darkness to figure out the riddles and puzzles hiding me from the real truth about my brother.
The next few weeks went past in a bit of a blur. I spent my days in my cell, letting the world go by as if I was completely oblivious to it. I wish I was.