I don't own SHIELD and never will. No copyright infringement intended.
Warnings: Mentions of past physical and sexual abuse.
As part of his recovery efforts – therapy was a bitch but it helped – Grant had to make amends to those he wronged. Afraid to face the team, he put it off as long as possible, until his therapist got annoyed and told him to stop stalling. Unable to face Skye and FitzSimmons, he focused his attentions on Coulson first. Grant knocked tentatively on the door to the director's office and tried to brace himself for possible rejection. "Come in!" Coulson cried.
He grabbed the knob and slowly turned it before stepping in. "Hello, sir."
Coulson smiled at him. "How are you, Ward?"
Grant shrugged. "I'm okay. The therapy's helping, which is why I'm here, and I'm not sure if you'll want to hear this but I have to say it."
He didn't even blink. "You're rambling, Ward. And I know why you're here. Your therapist told me you're making great strides, and you want to apologize for your behavior."
Grant nodded. "I do. Director Coulson, you do not how sorry I am. My apologies will never make up for my actions, but I was too far gone to realize what a good thing I had with the team. I will always regretting walking away that day and my actions afterwards, but Garrett had me so fucked up I couldn't see straight. That's not an excuse, but it's the truth. And I don't know if I can be a better man, but I want to be. So I am so sorry for betraying you and the team. You became my family without me realizing, and I ruined it."
Coulson stood up and looked Grant straight in the eyes. To his credit, Grant didn't flinch. "I accept your apology, Grant. I think you're brave for having the courage to apologize, and I am proud of you for it. And when you and the others are ready, I will be happy to have you back on my team. There's a spot open for you."
He ducked his head and blushed. "Thank you, sir. That means a lot. And I would love to earn my place again, but it might take me a long time."
"I understand. Can I hug you now? I feel like we should hug."
Grant laughed, but nodded. When Coulson opened his arms, he willingly walked into them and held on tight. "You're warm."
"Thanks. You are a surprisingly good hugger for someone who has never really hugged people before." Coulson had to lighten the moment somehow or this was going to end in tears.
Too late though. Grant pulled away and frantically swiped at the tears. "Fuck. I can't stop crying now. Side effect of therapy. But I no longer see it as a weakness so that's progress."
"That's great. Who are you heading to see next?" He hoped the others would be as forgiving as he was, but Coulson was a little worried.
He shrugged. "Trip, maybe? Then May." He hadn't actually decided yet. But Grant had taken the first step and he felt a little better about it.
"Good luck." Coulson waved at him and then watched as the specialist walked out of his office. He was happy with the man that Grant Ward was turning into without John Garrett's influence in his life. Grant still had a lot of fucked up shit to deal with, but he seemed to be working through his issues quite well.
Grant found Trip's room next. "What's up?" Trip asked once he saw him.
He breathed in and out for a few seconds to calm down. "I just wanted to apologize for everything that I did. You had to deal with Garrett too and that couldn't have been easy. I was – am – a mess – but thank you for being there for the team when I couldn't."
Trip stared at him in confusion. "I don't remember you doing anything specific to me, but I accept. And Garrett wasn't the easiest person to get along with, but he didn't treat me as badly as he treated you. And the only reason you're a mess is because John Garrett 'rescued' you from your shitty excuse of a family and proceeded to turn around and abuse you even more. I want to help you, Ward. I think we can be friends." He was definitely willing to give him another chance – he deserved it now, especially since Ward was starting to turn his life around.
"Thank you for accepting that apology." Grant was terrified about how this was going to go next. Not everyone was going to forgive him, and he was fine with that. He had screwed up too much to ever be accepted by everyone. He was specifically saving Skye for last because he knew she still hated him, and he didn't want to face that yet.
"No problem." Trip shook his hand and then wished Grant luck.
After that, Grant chose to go see May next. She stared at him and waited expectantly for him to start. When he didn't because his nerves got to him, May rolled his eyes. "Go ahead, Ward. I'm listening."
"I'm sorry for sleeping with you as part of the mission. I never should have done it, and I shouldn't have thrown it back in your face that night. And I definitely never should have called you the Ice Queen. My behavior is inexcusable. But I do respect you and care for you. You're a part of my family too. I went a little off the deep end and took it out on you and Skye for no reason." There, he had said all he needed to. Grant still didn't feel any better, but he also wasn't finished yet.
May didn't say a word for a few minutes – he freaked out and his palms started sweating – before she decided to put him out of his misery. "That was a good effort. And I will give you a second chance before everyone deserves one. But if you fuck it up, I will kill you this time."
Grant laughed. "Duly noted. And thank you."
"Good luck with Skye and FitzSimmons!" she called as he turned around to leave.
Grant took several laps around the plane before he finally worked up the courage to head to the labs. He didn't expect Jemma or Fitz to ever forgive him, but he couldn't let his fear overwhelm him. They looked up immediately when he walked in. "Hi."
Fitz stayed silent but Jemma waved. "Hello."
Awkward silence for about five minutes before he broke it. "I really fucked up when I sent you flying out of the plane. There's nothing I can ever do that will make up for it, but I thought I could save you. And those stupid fucking things were supposed to float, not send you to the bottom of the ocean. I will never forgive myself for hurting you, Fitz, and I don't expect you to." Tears poured down his face, but Grant ignored them. "When I think about what could have happened that day, I hate myself even more. I should have fought back against Garrett for once in my miserable life, but I was afraid of him. I didn't realize that until later, but that's what it was." He looked down at the floor so he didn't have to see their faces, the vitriol on them.
Jemma's sniffles made him look back up. "Well, how am I supposed to be stubborn after that? Damn you, Grant Ward. I forgive you, especially since I know you are trying to help yourself now. That is a huge step."
Fitz didn't say anything, and Grant's heart sunk. Of course Fitz wouldn't forgive him. He still had some memory issues and wasn't completely back to normal yet, although he was getting there. "It's okay, Fitz. I understand." He went to turn around to walk out and cry in the bathroom before heading to see Skye, but Fitz stopped him.
"Wait, Ward."
Grant fearfully turned back around. "Yeah, Fitz?" He didn't want to hear whatever his friend – his brother – was about to say. He told himself he could handle the hatred, but maybe that was another lie.
"You're right. I can't forgive you, and you know why? Because you haven't forgiven yourself for what happened yet. Do that and I can forgive you. I want you to know that I'm happy you're trying to change. And I want to know this man you've become." He grinned.
The crying Grant choked on a sob and grinned right back. Unable to find the words to express how grateful he was, he slapped Fitz on the back. He laughed when Fitz did it right back. "Thanks," Grant murmured.
"Do me a favor and go talk to Skye now. I know you're avoiding her."
He sighed. "Fine, but only because you want me to." Already emotionally drained, Grant wasn't sure he could face her yet. He had hurt her more than anyone else and that she was still pretty angry about his betrayal. To deal with his fear, he headed to the cargo bay and went in on the punching bag for about half an hour before he finally worked up the courage to go see Skye.
She smirked when she saw him. "Took you long enough. Were you afraid?"
Grant cringed at how angry she sounded, and he didn't blame her at all. "A little," he admitted.
"Go ahead," she encouraged when she realized he wasn't about to say anything else.
"There are no words for how unbelievably sorry I am. I scared the hell out of you, told you I'd never hurt you and then turned around and said what I did that day. It was wrong of me and I never would have made you do anything against your will, but everything fell apart on me. And I guess I reacted that way because of Maynard made me do, what Garrett did. I didn't realize I had been sexually assaulted multiple times and that was just a normal for me as fucked up as that sounds. I lost your love, and I don't blame you at all. Everything was my fault."
"Stop," Skye choked.
"I know you'll never love me again, and that's fine with me. I just want to be your friend." Grant needed her in his life in some way, and it hurt that they'd never be more than friends but he could accept it.
She sobbed and that set him off. Trip wandered by at one point after forgetting something and stared at them both in horror. "What the hell were you two talking about?" the bewildered man questioned.
They laughed. "Unresolved issues," Grant explained.
"Whatever. Just leave me out of it." And then Trip walked away again to go find what he was looking for.
Skye smiled at Ward. "You don't know how proud I am that you've turned into the man I knew you could be. I love you, Grant Ward. And I want to be your friend because I like this new you. And I'm not saying that it will happen – I don't want to give you false hope – but we can revisit being more than that once you're a little more stabilized."
He nodded and pulled her in for a hug. "I love you too, Skye. And I mean that in a friendly way, in case you were wondering."
She giggled. "I wasn't, but I understand. And that was ten times less creepy than the time you told me in the cargo bay so score!"
He cringed at the memory. "I apologize for that too. Kinda forgot about in the mix of everything else."
"I'm accepting your apologies for all past misdeeds, Grant. I can't say the same if you fuck this up again, but I will be there to help since I want you to succeed. It's pretty awesome that you're able to do this in the first place." She wasn't going to tell him that she was rooting for him to succeed, that she was thrilled he had been able to turn his life around.
Grant hugged her again and then headed back to his room. He felt a lot better now that he had apologized to the team, something his therapist acknowledged the next time he talked to her. "Grant, you are progressing so well. You've come a long way since the pissed off mess you were when I first met you. And I know you can continue to get better. I can't wait to see the man I know you can be."
He nodded. "I'll see you next week."
"I'll see you next week." And then the laptop screen went back.
Grant Ward still had a long way to go, but the medication and therapy helped more than he thought it would initially. Without his family and John Garrett influencing his every move, the person he should have been shined through. And he was someone that everyone on his team – his true family – loved now. There'd be some backslides, of course, but Grant had the support of those around him to help get him back on his feet during his lowest moments. And he would return to the team when he was ready. But for now, making amends had been a big step that paved the way for a brighter future, one he couldn't wait to see. For the first time in Grant Ward's life, he was happy.