Title: Gollum Mania! 1/?
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Um - Gollum + sexy = scary
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: Well, if you've read my other stuff, you know my sense of humor is weird. This one's no different. No slash in this one though, I promise! More to come!
~~Rivendell~~
The peaceful tranquility of Rivendell was broken by a high-pitched, girlish shriek of joy. "It's here! The new issue of Teen Creatures is here! AND HE'S ON THE COVER!"
Girly shrieks of joy echoed throughout the Elven kingdom. Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, tucked the magazine under his robe and ran to his secret reading room - a.k.a., his bathroom. He locked the door and sat on the toilet as he eagerly turned to the article named, 'Gollum's tips to make any woman want you!' He hrmed to himself as he read the first tip aloud. "Tip number one - always compliment them. Gollum likes to use this line: 'We thinks you is beautiful, yesss, we does. We likes your round squishy things -" He nearly fell off the toilet as someone banged on the door.
"Daddy!" Arwen shrieked. "I know you've got my magazine in there! Give it to me, I need to read about what turns Gollum on so I may become the perfect woman for him!"
Elrond, not wanting to give up the magazine yet, but not being able to help imagining the prestige of having Gollum as a son in law, opened the door and handed his daughter her magazine. "Bring it back when you're done, will you? I still need to read 'Gollum's Fashion Tips'."
"Ok Daddy," Arwen said as she gazed raptly at the cover. "Oh, he's sooo dreamy!" On the cover was Gollum dressed in his usual loincloth and was tenderly holding a kitten in his hands, to show how sensitive he was of course. In big letters it says, 'This issue - GOLLUM! An entire issue dedicated to Middle Earth's hottest heartthrob! And guess what ladies - HE'S SINGLE!'
Arwen read the cover and sighed contentedly, thinking like all naïve females that she actually had a fair chance at bagging the emaciated hunk. She practically floated out of the room as she went to drool over the true love of her life in private.
~~The Shire~~
Rosie Gamgee and her girlfriends were gathered around the kitchen table, a copy of Teen Creatures in front of them. They flipped through the pages, giggling and swooning at the pictures of who they considered to be the sexiest being alive.
"Oh, look at those ribs!" Swooned one lass.
"And that hair!" Rosie squealed. "Ooooohhhh!!"
"Do you ever imagine what he has under that loincloth?" Another lass giggled, a blush creeping into her cheeks.
All the ladies shrieked nervous laughter and went into a conversation regarding the package their beloved Gollum might be hiding under that tiny loincloth. Behind them Samwise Gamgee arrived home, followed by his friends Frodo, Merry and Pippin.
"Darling, I'm home - oh no, that blasted magazine is here," Muttered Sam. He looked to his friends and motioned them towards the den. As they passed the group of women, Pippin stopped to peer over their shoulders at the magazine.
"Oh! Has Gollum lost more weight? Blast, I'll never get down to that size!" Pippin mourned. Merry grabbed him by the collar and yanked him away.
"Uh, Rosie, when will dinner be ready?" Sam asked.
"Um, why don't you make your own, Sam dear?" his wife murmured as she continued to stare at the magazine. "Although I dare say you could afford to skip a few dozen meals." She looked up at her chubby husband, then down at the super scrawny Gollum. "If only you looked like that," She sighed.
Sam snorted and rolled his eyes. "Sorry, I don't feel like spending 500 years being consumed by an evil ring to achieve that look." He stalked away, his friends following, Merry dragging a protesting Pippin.
"Wait! I want to read about the Gollum Super Diet!" Pippin whined.
"Pip, I've told you already, being that skinny is NOT healthy," Merry growled as he pushed his cousin down into a chair in the den.
"But the lasses think he's so sexy!" Pippin cried. "I want to be sexy too!"
"Oh, shut up," Frodo groaned. "At least you don't have reporters beating down your door wanting to know what it was like to travel to Mordor with the Great Middle Earth Sex Symbol." He sighed. "Now I wish I HAD let you kill him, Sam."
"Told you," Sam grumped.
Pippin was still stuck in his previous line of thought. "Gollum wears a size 0 loin cloth, you know! I'm never going to be able to get down to that if I don't start exercising more and skipping meals!"
"Pip, you are doing no such thing," Merry scolded. "Don't worry, it's a fad, this whole thing will pass and our plump Hobbit bodies will be in style again!"
The four Hobbit men nodded grimly and lit their pipes.
~~Isengard~~
"Oh joy! Oh rapture!"
Grima Wormtongue ran into Saruman's main chamber to see what was going on. "Master?"
Saruman the White danced about gleefully, naked except for a tiny loincloth. His bony limbs flailed about as he did his dance of joy. You could almost hear his bones clacking together. "The new issue is here! Oh, look! A full size pull-out poster!" He tore it out gleefully and pranced over to attach it to a blank space on his wall.
Grima grimaced as he looked about the room. This room, well, nearly the entire tower, had become a shrine of sorts to Gollum. Posters, cut out articles, and every Gollum-related product that had ever been made decorated their home. Grima was getting seriously creeped out, and considering how creepy Grima was already, that said a lot.
Saruman fussed over the poster until he was sure it was perfectly aligned and then pranced over to his special altar, where he had a picture of Gollum surrounded by dozens of lit candles. He knelt and began to chant, "We loves us Gollum, yessss we does!"
Grima sighed and went to catch some fish for Saruman to eat raw.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.
Warnings: Um - Gollum + sexy = scary
Archive: Just ask
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.
A/N: Well, if you've read my other stuff, you know my sense of humor is weird. This one's no different. No slash in this one though, I promise! More to come!
~~Rivendell~~
The peaceful tranquility of Rivendell was broken by a high-pitched, girlish shriek of joy. "It's here! The new issue of Teen Creatures is here! AND HE'S ON THE COVER!"
Girly shrieks of joy echoed throughout the Elven kingdom. Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, tucked the magazine under his robe and ran to his secret reading room - a.k.a., his bathroom. He locked the door and sat on the toilet as he eagerly turned to the article named, 'Gollum's tips to make any woman want you!' He hrmed to himself as he read the first tip aloud. "Tip number one - always compliment them. Gollum likes to use this line: 'We thinks you is beautiful, yesss, we does. We likes your round squishy things -" He nearly fell off the toilet as someone banged on the door.
"Daddy!" Arwen shrieked. "I know you've got my magazine in there! Give it to me, I need to read about what turns Gollum on so I may become the perfect woman for him!"
Elrond, not wanting to give up the magazine yet, but not being able to help imagining the prestige of having Gollum as a son in law, opened the door and handed his daughter her magazine. "Bring it back when you're done, will you? I still need to read 'Gollum's Fashion Tips'."
"Ok Daddy," Arwen said as she gazed raptly at the cover. "Oh, he's sooo dreamy!" On the cover was Gollum dressed in his usual loincloth and was tenderly holding a kitten in his hands, to show how sensitive he was of course. In big letters it says, 'This issue - GOLLUM! An entire issue dedicated to Middle Earth's hottest heartthrob! And guess what ladies - HE'S SINGLE!'
Arwen read the cover and sighed contentedly, thinking like all naïve females that she actually had a fair chance at bagging the emaciated hunk. She practically floated out of the room as she went to drool over the true love of her life in private.
~~The Shire~~
Rosie Gamgee and her girlfriends were gathered around the kitchen table, a copy of Teen Creatures in front of them. They flipped through the pages, giggling and swooning at the pictures of who they considered to be the sexiest being alive.
"Oh, look at those ribs!" Swooned one lass.
"And that hair!" Rosie squealed. "Ooooohhhh!!"
"Do you ever imagine what he has under that loincloth?" Another lass giggled, a blush creeping into her cheeks.
All the ladies shrieked nervous laughter and went into a conversation regarding the package their beloved Gollum might be hiding under that tiny loincloth. Behind them Samwise Gamgee arrived home, followed by his friends Frodo, Merry and Pippin.
"Darling, I'm home - oh no, that blasted magazine is here," Muttered Sam. He looked to his friends and motioned them towards the den. As they passed the group of women, Pippin stopped to peer over their shoulders at the magazine.
"Oh! Has Gollum lost more weight? Blast, I'll never get down to that size!" Pippin mourned. Merry grabbed him by the collar and yanked him away.
"Uh, Rosie, when will dinner be ready?" Sam asked.
"Um, why don't you make your own, Sam dear?" his wife murmured as she continued to stare at the magazine. "Although I dare say you could afford to skip a few dozen meals." She looked up at her chubby husband, then down at the super scrawny Gollum. "If only you looked like that," She sighed.
Sam snorted and rolled his eyes. "Sorry, I don't feel like spending 500 years being consumed by an evil ring to achieve that look." He stalked away, his friends following, Merry dragging a protesting Pippin.
"Wait! I want to read about the Gollum Super Diet!" Pippin whined.
"Pip, I've told you already, being that skinny is NOT healthy," Merry growled as he pushed his cousin down into a chair in the den.
"But the lasses think he's so sexy!" Pippin cried. "I want to be sexy too!"
"Oh, shut up," Frodo groaned. "At least you don't have reporters beating down your door wanting to know what it was like to travel to Mordor with the Great Middle Earth Sex Symbol." He sighed. "Now I wish I HAD let you kill him, Sam."
"Told you," Sam grumped.
Pippin was still stuck in his previous line of thought. "Gollum wears a size 0 loin cloth, you know! I'm never going to be able to get down to that if I don't start exercising more and skipping meals!"
"Pip, you are doing no such thing," Merry scolded. "Don't worry, it's a fad, this whole thing will pass and our plump Hobbit bodies will be in style again!"
The four Hobbit men nodded grimly and lit their pipes.
~~Isengard~~
"Oh joy! Oh rapture!"
Grima Wormtongue ran into Saruman's main chamber to see what was going on. "Master?"
Saruman the White danced about gleefully, naked except for a tiny loincloth. His bony limbs flailed about as he did his dance of joy. You could almost hear his bones clacking together. "The new issue is here! Oh, look! A full size pull-out poster!" He tore it out gleefully and pranced over to attach it to a blank space on his wall.
Grima grimaced as he looked about the room. This room, well, nearly the entire tower, had become a shrine of sorts to Gollum. Posters, cut out articles, and every Gollum-related product that had ever been made decorated their home. Grima was getting seriously creeped out, and considering how creepy Grima was already, that said a lot.
Saruman fussed over the poster until he was sure it was perfectly aligned and then pranced over to his special altar, where he had a picture of Gollum surrounded by dozens of lit candles. He knelt and began to chant, "We loves us Gollum, yessss we does!"
Grima sighed and went to catch some fish for Saruman to eat raw.