KEEP BREATHING

Chapter 1

(Leia)

My worst fears have come to pass.

Han pilots the Falcon towards Gallinore, where our only daughter is in critical condition from injuries sustained during an attack.

"How many times is he going to hurt her?" Han snarls as we hurtle forward. The 'he' that Han speaks of is Jagged Fel. He and Jaina were romantically involved when she was in her first two years of training, but he broke it off, saying that he needed to concentrate on his career. Jaina took it very hard. I know that she's in love with him. I think he might be in love with her as well, although she's indicated that their relationship is in a holding pattern.

"Han, he's her commanding officer."

"And that puts him at fault!"

"Even a commanding officer can't account for all variables. You've said so yourself."

"He put her in the line of fire!"

I decide to shut my mouth. There's no point in trying to discuss anything rationally with Han at the moment. I'm not rational and I know it. I'm trying to find somewhere to put my horror and fear and anger, and Han needs to work through these things in his own way. I know my husband of nearly twenty-five years well enough to realize he's horribly frightened.

"If I find his sorry ass, I'm going to use him for target practice!"

{You've had trainees who died in attacks}, Chewie reminds him gently.

"And I took responsibility for it!"

{You weren't their commanding officer when they died}.

"I still feel responsible for it."

"I'm going below," I say quietly to Han. This is not simply to escape his wrath, but to do what I really want to do: have a good hard cry in private.

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(Han)

{Let me take the controls for a while}, Chewie says to me.

"I'm fine!" I'm not trying to take it out on him, but I'm not about to be pushed around by my copilot.

Leia's gone below. I suspect she wants to be upset in private. That's the way she is. Just because she's poised when she's being watched doesn't mean she doesn't hurt down to her soul. I'm the only one that she shows that side to.

And I'm worried that if I join her, I'm totally going to lose it.

Fact is, I can't think straight. All that runs through my head are images of my baby girl...the first time I met her, wrapped in a pink blanket...when she would run and hug me around the leg when I got home...teaching her about tools and how to repair things...showing her how to pilot...hugging her when her teenaged friends were cruel to her...when Jagged Fel broke her heart, the first time...

And now, because of him, my little girl may not survive.

Leia's in our quarters (yes, it's the same as the captain's quarters but we haven't called it that in a long time). I hesitate before pressing the button that will push the door open. Leia sometimes needs her privacy and I respect that. But the fact is, I really need her right now.

I walk quietly into the room. Leia is silent, trying to hold up as she's been taught all her life. I sit down next to her and wrap my arms around her. And the floodgates opened. She shook as she wept, and tears blurred my vision.

Keep it together, I tell myself. I've gotta be strong for Leia and our baby girl.

I'll schedule my nervous breakdown later.