Title: If You Love Me With All Of Your Heart
Author: Chaos
Beta: None, tragically.
Pairings: Sirius/Regulus
Warnings: Angst-ish, incest.
Ratings: M probably.
Spoiler Warnings: None. Pretty much everything related to this takes place only inside my head.
Disclaimer: Nope. Not even remotely. There is a paradox here. Something to do with the fact that if I owned them you could sue me for lots of money but because I don't I have no money to be sued for. I don't know. I'm tired. I think it makes sense. The title/cut lyrics are also not mine. They're from an Angus and Julia Stone song.
Summary: "It's a little chilly for flying." Regulus's voice is still flat, neutral, but it has the air of the calm before the storm.
Author's Note: Um. Not beta'ed. If anyone is willing to look over it for me I would be indebted to you.
Started writing this a loooooong time ago for a prompt on the kink meme and not only missed the closing time of the meme but also probably totally missed the point of the prompt. But I'm posting it anyway now that it's finally finished, so enjoy!
Sirius runs his fingers over the close weave of the tapestry, tracing his own name. Merlin but he hates the thing. He hesitates, palm pressed flat to the spot where his parents unholy union branches out into Regulus and himself. It's probably the last time he'll see the damned thing. His thumb runs gently over the tiny patch of bare wall where Andromeda's name used to be. If he ever sees it again he's willing to bet that'll be him. A blemish on the family tree.
He shifts his hand, reading the name next to his in the meagre light making it in through misted glass panels on the front door.
"It's not going to change." He spins around at the intrusion then immediately relaxes.
"You never know in this family. Maybe you'll decide you don't want it anymore." There's hidden hope for a bright future in the feeble joke but Regulus doesn't laugh. Instead he steps out of the shadows on the stairs and crosses to stand beside his brother, studying him with hooded eyes that take in the trunk and broomstick with an economy of movement and emotion.
Sirius coughs nervously, recovering his brother's attention.
Regulus steps closer, examining his brother's light school shirt and the muggle jeans (the ones he'd hidden in his trunk before coming home from school, like a dirty little secret).
"It's a little chilly for flying." Regulus's voice is still flat, neutral, but it has the air of the calm before the storm. Sirius flushes and looks down at the shoes Moony had referred to as chucks.
"This doesn't concern you Regulus." Regulus takes another step closer, invading his brother's personal space as he pushes him.
"Doesn't concern me?" He asks, the first hints of bitter anger biting at his tongue. He catches his breath and finds himself studying the floor too (this was supposed to be about rational argument, it wasn't supposed to get emotional). Sirius's blush deepens.
"Reggie-" Regulus pushes his brother back, feeling the impact jarring through his body as he hits the wall, obscuring the threads that make up the family tree. He can feel Sirius's breath mixing with his own and it's a heady sensation. He sways where he is and it takes more effort than he'd like to pull himself back to the moment.
"I hate being called Reggie." He points out in a dark whisper before closing the distance between them, hands balling in his brother's shirt as he kisses him.
It's not like it was before. Before was all about exploring and everything was tender and slightly hesitant (a new side to Sirius's brash personality). This is about dominance and need. Regulus need Sirius to stay. He needs to show him that whatever Potter and his gang have got Regulus can be better. That Regulus is all he needs.
For a moment he thinks it's working, feeling Sirius's eyelids flutter closed as he exhales heavily into Regulus's cheek. Feeling Sirius's arms fold around him, circling his waist before moving up to cup the back of his head with a gentle palm while a rough thumb strokes the delicate skin just behind his ear.
Then the moment passes and Sirius's eyes snap open. He pushes blindly and it's Regulus who stumbles back because Sirius has his back to the wall.
Regulus wipes his mouth with his sleeve, trying not to shiver. Trying not to look shocked or hurt (there's always another way).
"Regulus." Sirius's voice is broken, almost pleading, and Regulus pulls himself back together. "Please don't…" The words hate me choke him and instead Sirius finishes "do this." The words come out on a sigh.
"Do what?" Regulus looks up abruptly. "Remind you?" Sirius looks away.
"To yourself." He clarifies. "Don't do this to yourself Reggie." Regulus looks away again, unconsciously mimicking his brother's defensive pose as he rubs his arm and, against all reason, feels tears prickling at his eyes.
"Do what?" He asks again, the words coming out harsh and cracked. He doesn't look up this time and so it comes as a surprise when Sirius's shadows falls across his moonlit feet and his brother's hand finds his shoulder.
He tries to pull away but Sirius is still taller and stronger (like he always will be). His other hand slides across Regulus's cheek and into his hair as he steps closer and through his cool fingers send chills racing across Regulus's skin he doesn't try to pull away again.
"Don't hate me." Sirius's voice is rough as he forces the words out and Regulus can feel the tears spilling over. Even as Sirius's hand shifts in his hair he stubbornly refuses to look up. There's a sigh. "Don't forget." He says. "Don't tell yourself that none of it meant anything. It- It did." Regulus looks up at him.
"But not enough to make you want to stay." He's surprised by how choked his voice is but not by the bitterness. It's settled solidly in his stomach and he can't help it if some of it is colouring his words.
Sirius sighs again and pulls Regulus against him. He presses his brother's cheek against his neck as he mumbles into his hair.
"I love you Reggie." Regulus sniffs. "But Moony-" Regulus stiffens but still doesn't try to pull away again.
"Lupin." The name is practically a curse. "The werewolf." Sirius pulls back, not forcing Regulus away but holding him at arms length.
"Who told you that?" He asks, anger sparking in his eyes. Regulus snorts and shrugs, looking up at Sirius through his fringe.
"But he's why you're leaving?" The bitterness is still simmering in his gut but all he can manage at the moment is sudden exhaustion. It's pathetic. Maybe later, when he's curled up in his room and the bitterness has reached a rolling boil he'll find the energy for anger.
Sirius shrugs and nods.
"Moony needs me." He says (with devotion glowing around his words, the kind of devotion he'd never show his brother). Regulus looks up at him.
"And I don't?" He tries. Sirius looks away, guilt colouring his words.
"Not like he does." It's noting more than a murmur and Sirius is staring at his feet again. For lack of anything to say Regulus steps forward, pulling Sirius's head up with slender finger as he kisses him again.
He throws everything he has into the kiss, desperately trying to prove how much he needs Sirius to stay.
But this time Sirius doesn't respond and he's left standing there with his grip slowly tightening on his brothers shoulders as he grows more and more desperate. Eventually he shifts his attention, dragging his lips across his brother's jaw and down his neck.
And finally (finally) Sirius's hands come up.
But it's all wrong because Sirius isn't pulling him closer. His hands are almost clinical on Regulus's shoulders as he pushes him back.
"Regulus." Now Sirius sounds tired. "Reggie, this isn't right.
"Please." He manages, swallowing heavily. "Sirius, I need-" He's not sure where he's going with that sentence. Need you to stay, need you here, need you to love me (because no one else will). But Sirius seems to understand, his hands coming up and sliding into dark hair.
He stares at Regulus for the longest time, eyes flickering over his face in a look that seems to see everything. He licks his lower lip in thought, biting it gently as he studies his younger brother.
"I'm sorry." He whispers, sounding truly penitent. Regulus closes his eyes, drawing in hope on a deep breath.
"It's ok." He whispers, bringing his hands up to trace the lines of his brother's face. "It can be ok. Just don't go. Please, please don't go." Sirius sighs, leaning forward and dipping his head just the tiniest bit to kiss his brother.
For a moment the kiss is chaste, almost innocent.
Then Regulus presses forward, cementing the connection, and Sirius seems to give in.
He runs his hands down his brother's body, tracing lines all over through the thin cloth of his nightshirt. Regulus sighs into his mouth, losing track of himself in the sensations as he slides his hands up, unbuttoning Sirius's school shirt and skimming his fingers over the bare skin.
Sirius finally settles with one hand in the small of Regulus's back while the other rests on his waist, just barely touching with the tips of his fingers. Regulus stands with one hand over Sirius's heart and the other on his collarbone just where it meets his neck.
And a perfect eternity is compressed into the seconds that they stand there. Regulus can feel Sirius coming back to him and everything is right with his world.
But quite suddenly Sirius pulls away.
They stand, perfectly still, only connected by their hands on each others bodies, staring. Sirius with a dark look in his eyes and Regulus with heartbreak leaking out from behind broken shields.
"No." Sirius says, his voice only a whisper but entirely decided. "I'm sorry." He turns, leaving Regulus to stare at the tapestry.
He listens to the sounds of his brother leaving. A muttered shrinking spell and the sound of the door closing quietly are all he gets. He closes his eyes briefly, fingers trailing across Sirius's name on the tapestry as he turns and heads back up the stairs.
"Sure you are." He mutters to himself, tracing his lips with a finger (still tingling) as he slips back through the shadows towards his bedroom. There'll be hell to pay in the morning.