Hitomi: Hello, guys! While I am not new to the FF7 fandom, this is the first time writing for it! Because I've been inspired by run4life's fanfic, Fearless (which is awesome, go check it out), I've decided to write my own fanfic here~ This takes place after DoC, so it's pretty much three years since CC and two years since FF7 itself.
I've been developing my OC for quite some time and she's still in the works of development. Her name's Alice dela Rosa (translated as Alice of the Rose; she's been inspired due to a soft spot in my heart for Alice in Wonderland (the book, not the movie, mind you; though, I do like the animated version of it too)). There are some reasons why she's named this. In my mind, as far as developing a multi-chaptered story goes (though I'm unsure whether to push through making a full length story featuring her), she starts off as an ordinary person. However, when Zack went away to join SOLDIER, she follows in his footsteps only to become a Turk. Zack and her are childhood friends and she develops feelings for him over time.
This story… Shows the dark feelings in Alice's heart, concerning Zack's death. The first portion of the story in bold is Alice's feelings that has been bottled up, concerning this tragedy. Then, it continues on in third person. I've put a quote from FFXIII in the story because it fits this situation very well. I will confirm again that this is not Reno x OC because their bond is platonic, it's Zack x OC. I hope you enjoy this.
Disclaimer: I don't own FF7, Squaresoft/Square-Enix does. Alice belongs to me.
The Rose's Thorns
"Running away and leaving behind the people you care about? That isn't love. Though you might just want to keep them safe, shutting them out of your life only hurts them more." –Serah Farron, Final Fantasy 13
I close my eyes and see another me. The former me who used to be someone constantly protected from harm. The former me who knew how to fight when the circumstances called for it but had no idea how to even defend myself properly. The former me who always continued living with a zest for life, even when knowing how to fight; even when beginning to slowly understand sadness, pain, and doubt but always ready to smile in the face of adversary.
You taught me a lot of things and I'm grateful for it. Because of you, I was able to change myself in ways I thought as impossible before and I had the guts to make new friends. I went to where you were because I wanted you to watch me grow into someone you could be proud of. But most of all, I went out in the world to find you because I always wanted to stay by your side. We've been there for each other since childhood and that's how I wanted to spend the rest of my days.
But now, despite knowing how to fight for myself, I failed to protect those important to me; including you, most especially you. Now, the sadness, pain, and doubt grow within me, slowly eating away what's left of me before. And the smiles I keep putting up now? They're broken, hollow, and numb. All for the sake of pretence, to not let anyone see what I truly feel.
Clearly, I'm pretending to be who I'm not anymore. These are the feelings that I have to hide. Feelings that can't be seen. Feelings that can't be touched.
If you're going to pry my heart open, to see the wounds and scars I've been hiding for so long…
I don't need anyone anymore.
oOo
In Edge's Seventh Heaven, depression, anger, confusion, and hurt collided within the bar as certain residents were linked to the same letter written to them by one person. Curses were loudly said as frowns and looks crossed between bewilderment and hurt were expressed on each and every one of their faces.
A certain redheaded Turk, upon reading the letter, crushed it in his now clenched fist. Eyes covered by his bangs, he was gritting his teeth. Without another word, he bolted out of Seventh Heaven in a mad dash.
"Reno!" Tifa cried out, watching him storm out as the bar door slammed loudly.
Rude was about to go after his partner when a hand cupped his shoulder to stop him. Turning around, he met the familiar face of Tseng who only quietly shook his head. Although it was hard to tell the expression on Rude's face because of his glasses, he only nodded in silence, somehow understanding that this was Reno's dilemma to deal with alone.
Apart from Cissnei, Reno was also close to her. Although Rude, too, had his bonds with her as well, Reno and her were inseparable.
"Geez…" Cloud mumbled; then, flicked his eyes to the letter, his already somber face into a worried frown. Meeting the familiar scrawl of the one who wrote the letter, a bunch of questions popped into mind.
How could this have happened? Why did she choose to do something like this and not tell them personally? Moreover, what caused her to be like this?
To Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Cid, Yuffie, Vincent, Nanaki, Cait, Tseng, Reno, and Rude,
Due to unexplained circumstances, I've decided to write my feelings here instead of telling you personally. This is the day I part from you guys completely.
I can't tell you why it's suddenly this way. It's just so complicated to explain and it'll even more painful if I ever say why. All I can say about it is… I'm not who you think I am. Not anymore, anyway.
Please, don't look for me. Letters written to my parents and Zack's parents will be received the next day, so they'll be notified of my disappearance. I haven't given them my whereabouts either, so not even they have a clue where I am now.
Thank you for everything…
Goodbye.
-Alice
oOo
A female no more than in her twenties made her way through the Northern Continent, shivering as she went despite wearing a hoodie. It had not been easy traveling this far, especially since, the last time she came here, she was riding the Highwind with AVALANCHE two years ago. That was why she had a few days' head start to travel: by the time her friends and family received the letters, she would already be gone.
Judging from how abandoned her current location was, and seeing empty buildings, she realized she was in the Forgotten City of the Ancients. Good, this was the perfect place she could completely isolate herself in from the rest of the world.
Fixing her still short black hair (which had been cut two years ago during her days with AVALANCHE as a tribute to a certain someone; now, it reached a little below her shoulders), she immediately sat down on a nearby rock and stretched her legs after walking so much. Closing her amber colored eyes, she opened them a moment after and looked up at the cloud covered sky as snow gently fell down.
Finally. I can rest and make this my permanent residence. Alice dela Rosa thought with relief, watching the snow drifting downwards. Away from Cloud and the others, so I can stop remembering…
The relief soon went downhill and, feeling this change of mood within her, she was willing herself to stop feeling the sudden pang of sadness. She clenched fists on her lap, clearly disapproving of this.
No, Alice. Don't say "I'm lonely." In order to stop the memories replaying constantly, I won't say the words, "I'm lonely."
A certain someone's words popped into mind, words from the depths of a long time ago, from the past that she no longer lived in.
"For a Turk, Alice's a pure kid through and through. She's earnest, honest, and gentle. Even though she loses confidence in herself sometimes, she always looks at the bright side and is strong because her optimism and constant determination to never give up, no matter what. She has all of the qualities for a girl to be happy… And that is why, despite how the Turk business works, I want to protect her innocence."
I'm sorry, big sister Cissnei… Alice thought solemnly, an unreadable expression on her face. To hear such words from the other female Turk, they still shone in her heart. But it only reminded her of the past that once was and her mouth was pressed into a thin line. I've nothing left. I'm not who I used to be anymore either.
Everyone… She thought back to AVALANCHE, remembering every one of their faces. Tifa, Barret, Cid, Vincent, Yuffie, Nanaki, Cait, and even Aerith despite her unfortunate fate…
Everything… It was the past unfolding now, a past with the SOLDIERs and Turks of what had been. Angeal when he was still alive, Genesis whose whereabouts are unknown, Sephiroth before his madness two years ago, Cloud during his cadet days before metamorphosing from the trauma and amnesia into his SOLDIER persona… Tseng, Reno, Rude, Rufus, and Cissnei…
I've lost all of them somewhere, never to return. A very familiar face was the last to come to mind. Black hair, blue (or were they indigo?) eyes, and a cheerful, kind smile. The person had been in SOLDIER long before he grew his hair out and got the scar on his cheek. The one who was the reason why she was strong enough to hold her own in everything. The person who she knew since childhood and the one she cherished the most.
Zack Fair.
Letting his image fade into her mind's eye, Alice felt something wet welling up in her eyes, much to her shock, puzzlement, and frustration.
Tears…? How come? I've held them back for so long, especially on that day, in order not to show people I'm weak… Why? Why now?
She didn't hear the soft footsteps behind her nor did she sense an all-too-familiar presence.
"I finally found you, yo." Swiveling her head to the side, she saw a flash of red hair and blue-green eyes. "Alice."
With wide eyes, she only mumbled his name in apprehension, "Reno…"
"Geez, woman." He huffed indignantly, apparently tired from the long travel he had to do via chopper. If there was one thing he knew about Alice so well, it was the fact that she would go to an isolated place to hide herself in when she was really upset. "You really are troublesome."
In the middle of his lecture, Alice went off the rock and ran away.
"And don't run away when I'm talking to you, yo!" Irritated, he pursued her, intent not to lose her.
Seeing that she was going into the lake, he had stopped mid-dash at its shallow shores.
"H-Hey, what the Hell do you think you're doing? !"
"Don't come any closer!" Alice shouted out, facing Reno now. She had gone far enough that the water went up to her thighs. In a considerably softer voice, she said, "Don't… Come any closer to me…"
Feeling that she needed to explain to him of her sudden disappearance, she started out with an apologetic tone, trying to cover up her anxiety.
"I'm so sorry for leaving without saying a word. I was surprised myself too, having packed lightly for the trip." Conveying uncertainty, she continued on. "I tried to tell you about how Zack's been affecting me so much, even more because of his demise three years ago, so many times—"
"You're lying." Reno cut her off, watching her flinch with wide, shocked eyes, affirming the truth. With a stern face, he resumed his assessment quietly. "You weren't going to tell us… Ever… Right? Alice."
Knowing that she couldn't lie her way out of this anymore, she only gave a reluctant nod. She clasped her hands to her chest, balling them up tightly.
"How could I say it… That Zack is… Dead? It's painful to say it let alone face it head on… So, don't tell me about it…"
Already feeling the hot tears welling up in her eyes, they were hotter in the cold weather as they streaked down her face and burned in her eyes.
"It's so sad, so don't tell me about it!" Alice made her outburst, her voice thick with sorrow and pain. Seeing her like this made Reno surprised, so he couldn't say anything to retort. Since she was a Turk, of course she would also know he, Rude, Tseng, and even Cissnei (before she made her permanent disappearance) tried saving Zack and Cloud from the Shinra army. And, in that regard, all of them failed that duty since Zack died protecting Cloud. It also explained why Alice disappeared from the Turks the same time Cissnei did: because every time they would probably mention Zack around her, it would've made her face the cold reality that he was really gone.
So, she shouldered it alone. Though she broke out her shell on the delicate subject because of Vincent, who understood her completely (there was Cloud too since they had only each other left since Zack died), she still refused to let it out.
Snapping out of his musings, he heard Alice spoke again, her voice laced with sobs.
"I… Two years ago, when the Sephiroth madness was going about… I was going to end my life there and then, but Vincent and Cloud stopped me. And it eventually came to mind that Zack wouldn't want such a fate for me either. I… I wanted to tell Zack 'I'm sorry,' should I have entered the Lifestream. I wanted to tell him I'm sorry for not saving him, for not being there when he went off to face the Shinra army alone…
"I wanted to save him, so he would still be here. We've been always together since childhood and I thought we would always stay that way… I… Had I known it was his last day to live, I wanted to tell him 'I love you' one more time before he went away for good. Why…?"
Alice wiped her face with her hands to rid herself of the tears, but it didn't do any good. The tears spilling and they couldn't be stopped, gnawing watery lines on her skin. She kept it in for far too long and Reno now saw how devastated and heartbroken she had been all of this time. People have said that Alice hid her feelings behind a smile, but that she was weeping inside. It looked to be true, just seeing her like this.
"Why can't I see him now, even though I love him so much? !"
The first person who I love so much, the only one who's forever in my heart…
"I don't know… What to do anymore. I don't know… I don't know at all."
Unable to stand seeing Alice like this anymore, Reno dared to wade further in the lake and hugged her tightly. If she had been broken all of this time, he'll be the first one to piece her back together now as he did during their Turk days. So, he might as well start out on it now by reaching out to her with this hug.
"R-Reno…?" Having momentarily stopped crying, Alice struggled in his embrace. "Reno, let go of me…! I'm not letting you see the real me like this—!"
"And that's why I'm not letting you go." Reno hushed her up with this retort. Squeezing her tightly and resting his chin on the top of her head, he muttered softly, "Stupid. I've let you go when Zack died and left you alone like this! I thought being with Cloud would give you solace because you two had only each other left when Zack was gone, but he, too, had been traumatized about it before coming back to his former self, so he couldn't have seen your grief in that state until way later. You… Don't you realize you still have a home to come back to? !"
Pulling away and placing his hands on her shoulders, Reno locked eye contact with Alice. Sea green clashed with molten gold.
"You still have AVALANCHE, you still have the Turks, and you still have me! Don't you realize we'll console you when you feel lonely without Zack? ! That we'll always be here for you and accept you? ! Aren't we friends? !"
After a long moment, Alice averted her gaze. A frown emphasizing her puzzlement and self-doubt, she voiced out bitterly, "I don't understand myself… Because I don't like myself now ever since Zack's been gone. What in the name of Gaia do you guys see in me? I don't believe you!"
"I don't even understand it myself!"
"Huh? !"
"For as long as I've known you, you'd always comfort us but never let us comfort you!" Now, Reno couldn't hold back his temper and shouted at her, lips curled in a snarl. At this, Alice had to cover her ears due to the volume of his voice. "You go disappear like this, you won't tell anyone—even me—where or why, and it really pisses me off!"
You don't have to go that far…! Alice lamented internally, a mix of her emotions on her face that described shock, hurt, and a hint of anger for being insulted like that.
"But…" His face softened, his voice gentle as he was done. "But you always give your best in everything, even if it'll hurt you in the process. That's why… I always wanted to embrace you like this, like I did just now. Because I know you have wounds you need to heal, so I need to shoulder that too. As a fellow Turk… And as a friend."
Her face was unreadable, the emotions in her heart stirring.
That's right… He knows me too well…
"I'm sorry…" Alice whispered numbly, her expression poker face.
"Ali—"
I…
"I… I love…" The pain resonating in her heart, and the grief overwhelming, she started dissolving into tears once more. Damn, she tried to keep herself composed but it was definitely not working in her favor. "I love… Zack!"
Frustration, sorrow, and hurt flashed on Reno's face when he saw her like this again. She balled her hands in fists tighter than before, whipping her head to the side as if to hide her feelings with her hair. Anger bubbled up from deep within, perhaps because of the reason for her disappearance. And yet, he had to show up looking for her when she wanted to run away.
All for the sake of protecting the happiness she has now. If the happiness with her family and friends disappeared and she was powerless to do anything about it, she wouldn't be able to believe in anything anymore. That's why she had to do this, even if it meant throwing everything away.
She was scared. She was scared of losing everyone precious to her again and she hated the mere thought of it.
I said it… I finally said the words confirming Zack's… Even though they were never meant to be out in the open… Never ever!
Meeting Reno's eyes with sharp, teary-eyed glare, Alice screamed hotly, "This is why I didn't want you guys to know what I felt! On why I didn't want to tell you guys where I ran off to!"
Without even stopping to give him a chance to respond, she continued on with a flood of emotions in every word, the tears hotter than ever, "Every time I'm around someone who knew Zack… Every time someone who reminds me of Zack or even says something about him… Something freezes in time! Those kinds of things are trying to make my present thoughts of him into past memories!"
All of this time, I pretended he was still alive in my heart… Now, he's nowhere to be found anymore and I already know that… I'm very painfully aware of that… And I don't know where to go from there…
"I don't want that! I don't want to forget anything at all!"
The wheels of time in my mind are starting to turn and turn… With an unstoppable force I'm also vulnerable to…
In her mind's eye, she saw an image with those thoughts in mind. Of twenty-three year old Zack with his back turned to her. And there was the present, twenty-four year old her, looking back at him. Zack was going one way while Alice herself was walking the other direction.
The wheels turn little by little and we move further apart, forever separated. You stay still in the past while I'm moving on in life to the now.
I hate it…
Drawing closer to Reno, she kept him at an arm's length, both hands grabbing his shirt. Shocked at the sudden contact, he watched as he saw her broke down. Her shoulders shaking, Alice felt her resolve shattering into embedded shards of pain.
"Please… Don't be kind to me anymore."
It hurts…
"Don't touch me…"
It hurts…
"Don't heal these wounds…"
It hurts…
"Don't make the scars disappear…"
The pain hurts so much… It's unbearable…
"Zack… Is lonely. He may be with Angeal, Aerith, and other people like his fellow SOLDIERs who had died in battle… But I know that he's sorry that he has outlived his parents and I know he's lonely without Cloud and me. I know that he's sad… And how he's been waiting all of this time…"
But… This pain is all I have left of Zack, aside from the gift he gave to me long ago. Unconsciously, Alice clenched the pendant of a necklace she wore around her neck. So, I'll protect it with everything I have…
Meeting Reno's eyes, blinded by tears, fury, and anguish, she spewed out venomously, "I… I hate all of you! Why do you have to come between Zack and me? ! Even if you say I've something to live for, I still feel empty and lonely because of the memories haunting me! So, what's the point of continuing to live if the person I've known, respected, and loved from the time I was born is dead? !"
The words cut through Reno like a knife easily than what any, other real knife could ever manage. Alice, saying she hated everyone when she was the type of person to cherish her loved ones? Of course she couldn't have meant it; correction: she didn't mean to say such a harsh, negative thing because it wasn't like her to say such words at all. She was broken right now, the tears and the scars pretty much obvious to see. The only thing she needed, he felt, was reassurance that he and the rest of the gang would always be there for her.
To not say it, but to show it. To show that what he said was true.
But because she doesn't believe it now, of course because she truly doubts there's anything good left in this world anymore, she brushed his words off just like that.
His eyes hardened as an idea came to mind. There was only one way to show her what he meant.
Grabbing her hand, Reno's words seemed so incomprehensible. But The Forgotten City was a silent place to begin with, so only his words were heard clearly enough for her to listen to.
"Because… You're alive."
Alice's face changed into something that was difficult to comprehend. Confusion, fine, but her fury hadn't died down. Through her tears, she gave Reno another glare. What for, even he wasn't sure. Keeping quiet, he guided her hand, with his own, to his heart.
Alice looked at him with round eyes after that, a sudden realization rushing through her as she felt the organ pulsing against her palm.
His heart… Is beating…
She had a dazed expression on her face, taken by surprise at this action. Then, her eyes softened with new tears forming, already getting his previous statement. Seeing this, he sent her a small, sad smile her way.
"Because… You're alive now… Alice…"
Hearing those words struck a chord in Alice, placing her hands over her mouth, the new tears flowing freely. The doubt erased and her loneliness crying out, she ran into Reno's arms, weeping louder than ever. And this time, she was going to cry it all out and let him shoulder her suffering without holding back. Self-reliance could only go on for so long and the barrier had finally shattered completely.
Giving her a tender look, he only held her and said nothing, letting his warmth be her solace for he knew that she needed to let it all out. It was about time she did so, so she could move on with a smile.
Yes… What a nice thought that was, wanting to see Alice smiling again as she did in the old days.
I'll come back… Everyone. Even if sadness will come in again… I know that everything will be all right again.
Because I've a home to come back to.
Hitomi: Finally done~ What do you guys think? I think I may rewrite this because… Despite how careful I am in typing and editing away before posting this up, I somehow feel a little doubtful. But because I love writing so much, I have to believe in my writing. I know that I've improved a lot, but I also know I still have a lot to learn. I… If I made Reno OOC, I'm sorry about that! I needed him to be serious (then again, he was a somewhat serious character to begin with), given the situation here. Also, the italic sentences were Alice's thoughts, in case you were confused.
Also, I also plan to rewrite this since, apparently, Sayonara Yasashii Akumu pointed out this is just like a certain Takuto x Mitsuki scenario in the manga of Full Moon wo Sagashite. I looked back and, well, needless to say, I feel a little more embarrassed. I guess Full Moon influenced me to write this, but I had no idea the scenario involving Reno and Alice was just like it until I looked back in the manga to re-read it again! Man, I feel really embarrassed. So, I'll tweak a few stuff here and there to make it the fanfic more original. But I still want it to hold an aura that the inspiration from Full Moon wo Sagashite really made this piece, so I still want things to remain as they are. I give credit to Full Moon wo Sagashite by Arina Tanemura for having me write this.
So… I hope you enjoyed it… And if I turn out writing a multi-chaptered story featuring Alice, please look out for it! For now, I think I'll settle with one-shots and/or drabbles from writing prompts concerning Zack and Alice. This is Hitomi, signing off!