A/N: Another piece revived from the dead. Short and sweet. Happy Mother's day everyone!
Gift
I listen to you sleep as I hold you close. It's just you and I, my darling, serenaded by the pitter-patter of falling rain outside our window. Can you smell that smell in your dreams? That's the scent of peat burning from the fireplace. Reminds me of home, it does. No silly, not here. Home is green and budding with some of the prettiest wildflowers you've ever seen. Maybe I'll take you there sometime when I get the chance.
It seemed like only seconds ago when I heard you cooing along to my butchered rendition of "Éiníní." Laughter bubbles from your tiny lips at my attempts to get it right, but it's always in a good way, so I don't feel too bad.
The rhythm of your breathing is slow and deep against my chest. You look so peaceful I can't help but stroke your head and be proud of myself for once. Destruction has always been my curse, my fancy. I never once thought I was capable of creating anything else if it didn't consist of the tools of my trade.
Not too long ago you were just a bump in my belly, an innocuous vision I'd bring to life with the warmth and nutrients my body pumped into you. So small you are, yet so strong are the ties that bind us. When you're in pain, only my touch can heal you. When you cry, only my voice can soothe you. In your eyes, I am God, whereas to everyone around me I've been nothing but a failure and burden.
I tire of trying to be more when everybody's one step ahead of me. In the end, I've learned to accept who I am, but sometimes that's not enough. I've let people mark me with labels I dare not speak in front of you. Your aunt's were always the most creative, if not painful. But what can she say now? Someone like you walked into her life once and she threw them away like an unwanted memory. I wouldn't do that. Why? Because I'm everything she's not. We share nothing but blood, parents, and last names. Don't grow up hating her like I did, though. Take it from me, I know where it gets you.
Looking at you stirs so many thoughts I can't verbalize. I wasn't sure I was ready for this day, but like tomorrow it came and I've never looked back since. When I see the light in your eyes and the enthusiasm in your stubby arms as I tickle your nerves into submission, I know it's worth it. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if I…lost you. No, sweetie, I'm not crying. See? I'm all smiles. Your grandfather was never fond of tears, let alone inadequacy…ahem. But discipline? Oh yes. How else do you think I learned self-defense? Sorry. I shouldn't teach you to be violent.
You know, I can't help but wonder how you'll turn out after you've grown. Will you tease people like I did? Will you push the ones away who only want to help?
Your eyes are blue like mine. Eyes hold many secrets. You're too young to carry any, but soon you'll realize everyone has them. As for your father…yeah. It'll be awhile before you get to know the man he really is.
Oh, why am I thinking this? You wouldn't understand a word, even if I said it to you aloud. But you will, one day. As I watch you, I can only think of the future and smile. Because I don't want you to be like me. I don't want you to be like Da. What I want you to be is you, my hope, my dream….
My gift.
Éiníní: An Irish Gaelic lullaby.