Title: Retrospect

Pairing: Xander/Angel (mostly)

Content Warnings: Slash

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just worhip it.

Author's Notes: This fanfic is set during Season 3. It starts at the end of the story, goes back to the beginning and then works it's way back up. Basically, while rewatching Season 3 I noticed it was rampant with moments and exchanges between Xander and Angel that with some clever manipulation and reading between the lines could have hinted there was more going on than others knew. I used this idea to create this story, incorporating not only events from Season 3 episodes, but actual dialogues and scenes so people could see how things fit in.

A few important notes on the format of my writing:

** = Replacement quotation marks to indicate actual dialogue from a television episode

---- = A memory that includes an actual scene from the show

___ = A memory of my own original conception and creation

Italics = Thoughts/Inner dialogue of a character.

Enjoy!

The air was rampant with the very pungent odor of smoke, burning wood, and what Xander assumed to be about fifty feet of fried, snakey, Mayor Wilkins goodness spattered about, as he stood, hands in his pockets, and watched as firefighters futilely attempted to contain the fires that burned Sunnydale High to the ground.

It's really over, Xander thought to himself. The Mayor was no longer an issue, except for maybe the custodial staff. Faith was getting some long deserved sleepy time, and the threat of the ascension was no more. Vampires had been dusted and demons had been slain, yet Xander felt something was lacking. Perhaps it was closure.

Four years of what could only be described as sheer and unadulterated hell at Sunnydale High, or the giant bonfire that now stood in its place, were finally over. Xander had graduated-- well technically, even though the ceremony was interrupted by a giant demon snake and the school, and said demon snake, were blown to bits and Xander was definitely tired, to say the least.

Yet a nagging feeling persisted in the pit of his stomach. Was it hunger? Nah. Well he actually was quite hungry, but that wasn't the root of it.

He turned his attention away from the school, banishing a fleeting thought of Darn I should've brought some marshmallows!, and surveyed the area. A dozen ambulances, students and faculty being attended to by paramedics-- the worst was definitely over, but even as Sunnydale was burning to the ground it still managed to bring chaos to those who had survived.

Xander did another very brief inspection of himself. Other than a scrape or two… or three or four, all limbs and appendages were still very attached and fully functioning. He was alive.

And this was a relief beyond any words Xander could muster, as ever since news of the Mayor's plans to attack at graduation, Xander had this unwavering suspicion that he wouldn't make it and Sunnydale would win its claim over his soul. Not that he hadn't been robbed of it already by the horror that was high school, but he was undeniably alive. And damned happy about it.

His mind took him back to just two days before the now averted apocalypse to one of his usual stimulating conversations with Cordelia in what was now the very charred halls of Sunnydale High.

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Cordelia was in line to pick up her cap and gown as Xander sauntered over to the now available spot next to her.

Noting his presence, while examining the gowns with clearly a disapproving expression on her face, she complained, **I can't believe this loser look. I lobbied so hard for the teal! No one ever listens to me! Lone, fashionable wolf!**

Xander was signing off for his as he replied, with a slight smile, **I like the maroon. It has more dignity.**

**Dignity? You? In relation to clothes I'm lost in a sea of confusion,** she responded, as they took their gowns and walked away from the table and further into the hall.

**I just want to look respectable in this… considering I'm probably going to die in it!** he exclaimed, his expression suddenly turning to worry.

**Excuse me?**

**I'm telling you, I woke up today with this feeling in my gut. I just know,** he paused and looked around at the bustling student body before resuming, **there is no way I'm getting out of this school alive!**

Cordelia surveyed him with a look of pity. **Wow you've really mastered the power of positive giving up!**

Xander spoke again, his voice rising frantically, **I've been lucky too many times! My number's coming up,** he was on the verge of panicking now, **and now we're short. One more rotation and I'm stateside! You know what I mean?**

Cordelia simply answered, **Seldom; if ever.**

She walked away leaving Xander dismayed.

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Xander smiled, coming out of the memory he was recalling and back to the very frantic, yet somehow relaxed reality.

Yup. He reveled in the fact that he had done something that didn't happen often-- proved himself wrong.

He suddenly wondered if that was a good thing, his survival that is, as the lingering pang in his stomach fluctuated at the sight of… him.

He was standing away from the craziness of the rescue crew and firefighters calmly as smoke billowed around him, illuminated by the red and blue ambulance lights. Still. Watching him.

Xander's heart suddenly felt a twinge similar to that in his stomach as he caught Angel's gaze. Stupid hormone-controlled body and organs, Xander thought to himself. He wondered why every time he looked into Angel's eyes his heart fluttered, and he felt butterflies in his stomach, yet his brain never rose to the occasion and sent off sirens to use his better judgment. It succeeded a number of occasions, he reminded himself, but at this point in time his emotions would win the battle over his head. At least temporarily.

He was worried, as he began to take the first step toward Angel, if he would turn and walk, maybe even run, in the other direction. He had said if they survived, he would leave, and not say goodbye. Xander knew this, and his head told him not to give in. Not to make a scene. Not to run over there, not caring what rescue men, students, or Scooby may have seen him, fling his arms around Angel's neck and beg him to stay. He knew he couldn't do it. But his heart told him maybe Angel lied, or changed his mind. Regardless, couldn't just stand there either, and risk Angel leaving without knowing… Xander wasn't sure what he wanted Angel to know, but he knew it couldn't go unaddressed.

So he composed himself as he cautiously, but assertively, began to walk slowly in Angel's direction. He sighed in relief when it became apparent Angel was not going anywhere, and slightly quickened his pace. His heart began to race, and he didn't care if Angel and his very astute vampire senses could hear it. He never took his eyes from Angel's gaze as he closed the distance between them, until he stood a foot away from the man, who at one time held his heart. Who Xander knew deep down, still held it in his undead hands.

Nothing was said-- at least not literally. They simply stood and let their eyes do the talking. Every time Xander looked into Angel's penetrating eyes (a description he'd borrowed from Buffy's diary [which he never intended for her to find out he had briefly read]) he felt as though the vampire was searching his soul, or reading his thoughts, or both.

Angel's expression was blank, but Xander could see so many emotions in his eyes. Relief. Anger. Regret. Sorrow… Love. And Xander wanted nothing more than to communicate those exact feelings he reciprocated through speech, but he felt talking wasn't appropriate. At least not yet.

Somehow, a mutual understanding was met, triggered by Angel looking around at the frenzy just over Xander's shoulder, and he followed the brooding vampire as they sought a place away from it all. A place where they could be together, maybe talk (for perhaps the last time), in private.

They continued to walk until Angel stopped under a tall tree which had surprisingly been unaffected by the explosion and fires that ensued. He slowly turned to face Xander with those pain-love-filled eyes, now a bit moist (and Xander hoped this was not simply his mind playing tricks on him or a side-effect of the smoke) and gazed into Xander's, which were about to spill over with tears.

Before Xander knew it he was in Angel's embrace, and despite the lingering noise of the crews at work, surviving students chatting, and the smoke that seemed to be everywhere, all Xander knew was he was in the arms of the man he loved, and it was right. It was perfect.

Xander didn't know how long they stayed this way, which often happened in moments like these, and he didn't care to know. He simply stroked the taller man's hair, who had his head nestled between his younger love's neck and shoulder. Xander was definitely alive, and although his head wasn't sure it wanted to admit it, he was happier Angel was alive as well.

Angel lifted his head and began speaking, hardly above a whisper, "I couldn't leave without knowing you were-"

"I know," Xander interrupted. "I'm okay. And so are you, and that's the most important thing."

Angel painfully met Xander's eyes again, and opened his mouth to speak before, several times, closing it. He finally managed to utter, "But-"

"I know," Xander repeated. With one word (one conjunction to be exact his inner Willow reminded him) his world came crashing down. He choked on his words and he tried to hide the way his voice faltered before saying, "It doesn't change anything."

Angel lightly brushed Xander's cheek with his hand, and Xander began to tremble. Stupid body, he thought to himself. You always betray me! The last thing he wanted to do was show Angel how much this was hurting him. One of them had to be strong, and since he lacked Angel's vampiric ability to sense other's bodily functions and emotions, he couldn't be sure how strong Angel was behind his, for the most part, collected expression.

He knew Angel knew though. He always had a way of knowing what Xander was thinking. Suddenly he moved and Xander flinched, shrinking from his lover's embrace.

"Xander?" Angel muttered, for the first time letting his face and his voice betray his front-- showing hurt. "Xander, I-"

"Angel, no," Xander said forcefully, as he could no longer prevent his tears from spilling over his eyelids. "If you- if you kiss me… I may never want to let you go."

He felt his knees weaken as he said the word "go", but of course Angel was there to catch him before he fell too far, and despite his protest, Angel, as he always did, knew what Xander really wanted.

Xander's whole body became warm as Angel's lips pressed incredibly gently against his, and before he realized what he was doing his eyes were closed and he had his hands in Angel's hair and was pulling him in, deepening the kiss. At first it was tender and loving, but quickly became possessive and pain filled. This was beautiful. Even though Xander knew Angel was still leaving, it was perfect and as he promised, he didn't want it to end.

But before Xander knew it, the kiss was over as Angel whispered in his ear the three words Xander least wanted to hear right now, or maybe most wanted to hear, "I love you." Xander sighed, and felt as though the rest of the world had completely disappeared-- apart from him and Angel. Angel kissed that spot on Xander's neck, his spot, the spot that tickled him, but in the best sense of the word, before adding, "And I-I'm so sorry."

"Angel, I-" but before Xander could finish, his body came back to its senses and he realized he was no longer in Angel's arms. He opened his eyes slowly, and saw what he feared the very most. Angel was gone.

And for the first time since the very last vampire had been dusted in battle, Xander wished he hadn't survived. Because if he hadn't survived at least he wouldn't have to face the pain of knowing the one true love of his life was leaving, and no matter how much he told him he loved him, and knew that love was returned, he would not change his mind. Angel wanted-- no-- needed to find his redemption, and Xander couldn't-- no-- wouldn't stand in his way. But at least, had he died, he could have been spared what he was sure would be months of crying and cursing and asking God why he could be so cruel.

But his head, finally stepping up to the plate, took a hold of him. Get a grip Xander, he thought. No matter how much you want to collapse, and cry, and curse and everything else you want to do, you have to be strong. You can do this… you can learn to live… without him.

Xander began repeating to himself, you can learn to live without him, using it as a defense mechanism to keep his body from shutting down; his heart from stopping to beat, as he feared it may should he let it gain dominance over his head.

You can learn to live without him. You can learn to live without him. He continued to chant this to himself, as he began to take steps back towards reality, and every time he thought he might fall he would say his chant to himself, and would somehow, although he wasn't sure he believed it to be true, find comfort and the courage to keep going.

After gaining full control over his body (and only partial control of his emotions) again, and breathing regularly once more, he searched the crowd of people for one of his friends-- any of them. Even Cordelia would prove to be a comfort right now with her shallow judgments and irritating sarcasm. And then he saw… her.

An ultimately short girl, with blonde hair was standing a few yards away from him. It wasn't too long before she noticed him, and the next thing he knew they were in an embrace. Nothing like the one he'd just shared with… but different. Overtly comforting. Like a brother and sister.

Buffy was the only person who could relate to his feelings right now, even if she didn't have the slightest clue that they were in fact in the same boat when it came to…. Xander had to remind himself he wasn't the only person who was being left behind in Sunnydale by.... In fact he wasn't even the first.

"I'm so glad you're okay," she said, squeezing him tighter.

"Oxygen becoming an issue!" Xander squealed, as Buffy let out a short giggle and let him go. He composed himself and continued, "A few scrapes and cuts, but nothing a bit of time and a band-aid or two won't heal."

Buffy took his hand and squeezed it tight, but not too tightly. Tightly enough to be pleasant and warm. He mustered up all of his energy to sound unaffected by the recent events. Well, as unaffected as someone who had just survived the apocalypse could sound, and asked, "You okay?"

"I'll live," Buffy replied after a thoughtful stare. And with that, they began to stroll through the crowd in search of the others.

They noticed Wesley being wheeled on a stretcher towards an ambulance, almost begging for something to relieve "the pain." They simply looked at each other and shared a smile and silent laugh as they walked on, and he was lifted into the ambulance. Xander noticed Buffy looking around, with a subtle franticness, clearly one that wasn't associated with her searching for a fellow Scooby. Xander knew who she was looking for.

**We got off pretty cheap, considering.** he said, with one final look towards Wesley.

**Seems like we did** Buffy replied without even briefly ending her search. Xander followed her movements as she began to walk ahead of him, finally stopping in front of her. He felt his heart twinge again, and was utterly surprised. He hadn't been sure it was still there.

**He made it through the fight,** he told her, meeting her gaze. She looked into his eyes, and Xander saw clear hurt, similar to the hurt he had seen in… He continued, **I guess maybe…** another twinge, **he took off after.**

He easily noticed Buffy trying to put on her resolved face, but the hurt remained in her eyes.

He did what he could possibly do best to make her feel better, and gave her his best attempt at a comforting smile, before turning, his smile fading and walking away. She needed a moment alone. Maybe he did too. And he shook his head, thinking, Buffy would never know how much they really had in common.

His vision was stimulated at the sight of brilliant red hair, and he knew he'd spotted another friend. Not surprisingly, next to the red-haired girl was a short, spiky-haired blond holding her hand. As he approached them, he began to think about his relationship with…

You can learn to live without him, he assured himself, but somewhere in his continued chant, and pursuit of Willow and Oz, he became lost in memories of his… Angel.

To be continued...

A/N: Okay, so now to go back and reveal exactly how Xander and Angel got to this point. PLEASE R&R!!! I put a lot of work into going back and not only scanning the episodes for these Xangel moments to work into my story, but getting accurate transcriptions of the dialogue, so I would love to know I'm not doing this merely for the fun of it (although it is fun [in a nerdy way])