Title: Breathing
Author: Pup-Ashbless
Fandom: D Gray Man
Disclaimer: Hoshino is the creator.
Pairings: None. This is a platonic fic. But hey, you may see what you see.
Summary: A companion to Smoking: It's not mine. It's impossible to have what is not yours.
What the summary says, takes place (more or less) after Smoking only from Allen's POV. Right now Allen's thoughts may be a little confusing so I'll just clear it up before hand that right now Allen is in the process of having his identity dissolved by the 14th's presence, but he's not all the way there yet.
Anyone who wanted to see a continuation from Smoking should probably thank Tossino as without her questioning I probably would not have ever thought to continue this.
Dreams came and went and Allen was sure they were memories, or figments of them.
Who are you?
People, people, people…They came slowly but went faster than Allen could grasp.
He was standing alone watching it all with a passive feeling as though his ability to decipher such meanings was being washed away by warm gentle waters that asked instead of forced him to feel in such a way.
He wasn't even sure what was wrong or right.
I think I'm dying…, was the thought quickly swept away by the tide.
"I'm breathing…"
White, black, and silver came and went like heat flashes to Allen, colors used to be abundant, but they were more or less gone no with only a flicker once and a while.
"I'm breathing…"
He remembers shouts, angry and mourning, in the dizzy state he was in before he came to this place, he thought anyway.
"I feel like there's nothing here attaching me to this place…"
Allen!
"If Mana's not here…"
Allen!
"If even Cross isn't here…"
"Allen!
"I want to wake up."
Alle-
"Who I'm going to wake up to…"
All-
"Doesn't matter…"
Al-
"Just so long as…"
A-
"They keep calling my name…"
…
"Even if I can't know just what the meaning behind this is."
….A-
"Just keep calling me…I'll be fine."
…Al-
It'll be fine, whoever is calling."
Cold water splashed his face, it must have because the white ash haired male felt a shock pulse, almost violently, down his spine from his neck and he's grasping and pulling at things he's not even sure are there.
His lungs constricted every time he breathed, he felt like laughing.
Allen!
The sound is like an echo he can't quite understand.
He hears the words, but they won't let him understand.
His vision is foggy, but he sees a person, that person is a she, and that person who is a she is the caller.
He knows her; she's something significant, something touchable.
For someone like himself who has not touched something for eternity - or maybe it's only been a few weeks – he reaches out, knowing that he can touch her.
"Hey, I like how you are always here and tell me that I matter…."
She allows herself to be touched by him and she calls him always, even if he's not completely sure why she calls him that.
"Hey Allen," Her blurry image says through, what he thinks, are very visible tears, "you're welcome."
That makes him feel good for some reason.
He thinks he's showing her that made him happy.
But he falls asleep and begins wandering the dream landscape again.
"What are you doing here?"
Allen's here in this little world that he is not altogether sure is his.
A child is opposite of him, the child's face is not covered but for some reason Allen still can not see him.
"I'm waiting…."
"Waiting for what?"
"To wake up…."
"Why?"
"This place isn't real, look." Allen waved his hand as if it to prove his point. "This world is void of anything but you, me, and the moon in the sky. The snow keeps falling but the ground never seems to be covered by it."
A world of endless white that is unable to cover the darkness.
"What will you wake up to?"
"…A world."
"This isn't a world?"
"No, this world won't accept Mana, he's not here, and I can't stay here in a place his voice can't reach me."
"Well than, that's good of you, how about you take my hand…"
The child opposite of him smiles a wicked feeling into Allen's heart and he realizes an epiphany as the child's face becomes less vague; that child across from him can only be Allen himself.
"You don't know how to embrace me, do you?" The other asks with outstretched arms.
"No…" Allen responds, shock shivering his body as though standing still was oppressive. "I don't."
Allen tackles the other - or was it the other way around? – In so many different fits of ecstatic rage that he's already forgotten why.
The only thing he does know is that they are both laughing for all the wrong reasons.
~~*
He feels the pulsing of magic.
How foolish, but dutiful.
These beings around him are thinking to strap him down even tighter, tighter than God's grip, so they can bend him but not quite yet break him.
I know God's grip, I know it as much as it beats inside my heart, you know nothing, but it's rather good of you to have a work ethic…shameful it will bring you nothing….
Shameful beings lack such knowledge to save themselves these days…
It's a bit difficult though….
Thoughts ricochet off and on in his mind like bullets to metal that it almost hurts to think anymore.
I want to stop being tired of breathing…
His lungs tightened, he breathed, and…
Stop; stop, maybe, not yet too soon, not soon enough…
The world turned to fire.
He's up, how long it took him to get up, he's not sure. The world looks blurry and gray. He doesn't bother to apologize to the people in dark robes he has apparently knocked a thunder to their possible demise.
He does apologize to the room.
He sees a blotch of gold that is slumped against the wall, barely conscious but still alive.
He wants to run over to and tend to this person and apologize even if he wears the same dark garments as the others. He does not know where the understanding comes from; just knowing he means it is enough.
The person flickers his one eye open and woozily calls out.
"Walker….?"
He, Walker, that sounds right, tries to smile politely, because that sounds right to, and wants to touch the gold colored person's face gently and ignored the wince with slight indifference since he wanted to touch this person who also was touchable.
"Maybe…"
That sounds like a good idea.
He can't do any of the though, his body won't respond to him. He's tired and confused again with the blurring and dizzy thoughts. He drifts away from this reality into another one as if feeling the tides of the ocean against his non awakened self.
~~~*
I'm breathing….
It was comforting to say that.
I'm breathing…
He was the one breathing…not anyone else…this was his body, his mind, heart, and spirit.
No one should breathe their own breath into his lungs.
Wake up…
He thought he already was?
Wake up…
He's waiting.
Wake up…
….
Wake up…. breathe!
Breathing, oh yeah, when did he stop?
Just breathe… Okay?
Since it was asked politely, he can do that.
Before he can even fathom, Allen's staring at a ceiling of darkness.
I don't like beds…I think
He doesn't know or care anymore where he is, mostly because he's sure this time he will stay for awhile, if only because his feet are bleeding and irrational thought of them falling off keeps hounding him despite knowing better.
Hey… You're awake. Now, don't go thinking your not."
The voice awakens Allen from a daze as he becomes slightly aware that maybe this wasn't a dream.
"Where was I before?" Allen hopes his voice is not as detached as it sounds.
"The Order…You've been relocated to Central and have been stationed in this room for about sixteen days and twenty hours counting." The voice responds without a beat as though –he- had been practicing.
Forcing his eyes to stay open, Allen could only see darkness with blurred images he wasn't even sure was there. Eventually impressions of a man beside him were formed enough he gathered the enough wit to ask. "Who are you?
"I'm… Savant, I'll be your personal doctor from now on… I suppose." Savant gave a comforting smile, but Allen could in a way that Allen could not tell if this man's nature was chaotic or not.
I know you…I think I do know you…Don't I…
Allen's eye's hurt as if he was staring at the sun for much too long.
The red haired young man blinked his clover colored eye and grimaced as if in distaste. "What's your name?" He finally asked, more out of need for the silence to break than actually need to know.
Allen, my name is Allen Walker….
But his mouth would not form the words. He couldn't say his name no matter how hard he tried.
Say my name…please someone…say a name I know is reserved for me alone…
The name, for once, was less important than the meaning behind it. The familiarity that people called him to identify him alone by it because of the meaning was his alone.
The man sitting beside him is silent.
Tears must be clinging to his skin for Savant is wiping away at Allen's cheeks with his rough hands with a professional but oddly respectful air.
This action relaxes Allen, despite not even knowing why or when he started crying or why he is letting this man touch him in such a friendly manner.
Allen is just content for the moment that this red headed young man has not disappeared completely from him.
Its okay… not everything has to disappear… Keep it together, even if you don't know or remember what's going on all the time you at least have enough sense to not keep still…
Allen's dreams were muddled and forgotten by the time he woke up – he couldn't even remember having fallen asleep.
The ma-Savant is still there. Half asleep and half watchful, he's watching not as a judge or savior.
Allen couldn't bring himself to feel uncomfortable.
Maybe that's what worried him?
~~~*
It took an awhile, maybe a few days, or perhaps an hour? Allen wasn't sure. His room wasn't cramped or anything, but it did not have any windows to show what outside was like nor did anyone turn the light off so knowing when to sleep was less important than just feeling tired. Not that he had slept any; at least he didn't think he had slept since waking up. It was hard to tell the difference anymore.
"So… How do you do it?" Savant asked casually. He was always causal, except when he was being annoying, which was probably half intentional and half genuine.
…Which made it all the more annoying? Allen couldn't decide.
"I'm not sure…" The man's name was on the tip of his tongue, but Allen couldn't say it, it was just too tasteless, like the flavor of ones favorite food suddenly going bland. It hadn't gone bad, the flavor was just too hard to recall again. "I can remember things, I know my name…." He didn't go on, didn't feel he needed to, not when he could decipher the code placed in front of his eyes.
"I see… you know your name… you still have your memories, sorta, but you don't feel you… recognize them?"
"Not like I can my name."
"Say your name?" It wasn't an order, just a possible request for Allen to grant.
Why don't you…you know it. The thought made its way out through Allen's eyes instead of his mouth, but all the same Savant took the message and gave a tug to his lips that could almost be sad but not quite enough to pull Allen's sympathy.
"I think I need think things over a bit, can you tell me the first thing that comes to mind when I want you to recall a memory before your time here?"
"The Order or Central?"
"The Order."
Allen grimaced as he almost received a blank until a memory of being hospitalized came to mind. He was young and still getting the hang of being alone in the world with a constant companion that was not even that but rather a owner who had up and left him to deal with Allen getting out of the building himself without pay.
It wasn't much, just sweet talking a girl who saw whatever she wanted to see in Allen who tried to show whatever she might want without giving anything at all before leaving he was discharged for free.
There was a feeling a loss for a minute before it was forcibly taken away as if someone had taken a fired heated iron and scorched it away without permission.
He would have hurled himself in fury is such a target had been present.
Alas, it was not, and Allen only had a slightly slack jawed red head to feel somewhat amused by.
"What?"
Allen, obviously, refused to see the need to feel guilt.
Manipulation was not always an evil thing; simply put Allen was only bringing forth the emotions that were already there, not creating them. If the nurse chose emotion or logical feelings to act on than that was her choice, not his. He was only creating an opening for them to come forth.
"Scary…" The red head trailed after him as if reading his thoughts.
No…not scary. What is scary is not being able to manipulate someone trying to change you to the point where manipulation is a lie bred from nothing.
At least you know the difference, or pretend to yourself you do…
Savant seemed to have felt the agitation from Allen because he kept quiet for a while.
"Where are you going from here?" The red head asked as if in longing.
"Where ever my feet take me." Allen couldn't walk, but he was still moving… Hopefully…
"You don't have a plan…?" Savant didn't seem surprised or dismayed as he just wanted to know the facts. It seemed the prospect of continuously walking without transport for who knows how long and to where was not exactly a stranger to him. Such a feeling almost gave Allen the impression of the wind…
Allen longed to go outside this small, bright, room; into the darkness of the world that did not shed light to blind his eyes but allowed him to make anything he wanted.
…Maybe taste something that hasn't been sterilized.
Suddenly he his eyes drew upon Savant's wine bottle, Savant had not drunk from it once since the he first started coming to visit. He had only placed it on the small table by the bed and paused as if waiting for something before having their talk and leaving with it the same way he came.
Allen took the wine glass from Savant, not even paying mind to Savant's wide eyed look of unguarded surprise as he took a swish of it down his throat.
His mind was perfectly fine with the action…. Unfortunately his body was not. Allen gagged as his body gave an uncontrolled spasm of movement and he didn't even realize the broken shards flying so fast from the breaking of glass on the ground until Savant nudged his arm to show nicks of blood appearing on his skin.
"I think, from my observations, you and liquor still don't care too much for each other." Savant muttered more to himself than to anyone else.
Allen didn't remember falling or the sting inflicting his hand.
All he remembered just how tasteless his mouth was.
~~~*
"Mana?"
"Hmm?"
"What are you doing?"
"Tracing my patterns on the ground." Mana always liked doing things like that. Making patterns in the ground, not that he ever used his hands; he wasn't exactly a touching type person in that he liked to touch people, animals, or other living things much - in fact Allen had only seen Mana initiated touch to him and the, now dead, pet he once traveled with – he only touched others as in shaking of hands when they initiated it. It almost seemed like Mana would not expect to meet solid skin and gave no indication he though he would even after they deed was done.
"Come, draw with me."
Allen does – and sees that their patterns by the end are nearly similar to each other.
"Were you trying to copy me?" It was a simple question, not an accusation.
"No, I wasn't really thinking about making a certain image or even paying to what you were doing, at least I think I wasn't?" Allen noticed the two patterns made by Father and Son were so intertwined and alike that it was hard to tell where one began and finished, let alone differentiated from the other.
"These patterns are my own…." And Mana glided his hands so it hovered over a line as if the air between was glass instead separating the two. "Now tell me…do you know which patterns are yours?"
Allen searched the patterns, avoiding the ones Mana touched, but still could not find anything familiar that reminded him of his touch. "No, you're patterns are confusing me. How come you knew yours even when there all mixed up with mine?"
"Because I know them." Mana said it so simply that Allen actually believed it was so. "This twist of the curve from this angle is mine, this wider curve here, is yours."
"Oh I see…"
"Really, well I'm glad. It's always good to know everything about yourself so as to not confuse yourself with anything that has no business with the real you."
"Do you think you are seeing the 14th's memories?"
"…No."
"Then what about the possibility of losing your memories by gaining the 14th's?"
"I… I'm not sure-no- I know that is not possible."
"Why not?"
"It's not mine. It's impossible to have what is not yours."
"Explain." Savant's voice managed to not be commanding or pleading but still held a firm tone for the request.
"Even though we share the same body, I don't think it's as simple as sharing the same minds. Sometimes I can feel the 14th in the back of my mind like the presence of a person you don't know standing behind you. But I don't know what he is thinking. I don't know his memories or thoughts. We can't talk to each other like you and I are, and I could be wrong, but I think it's the same way for him, maybe."
"How so?" how so, how so…Allen wondered if there was any other phrase this red head liked to say?
"My spirit- soul is my own. No one can hear my thoughts but myself. The 14th is probably just seeing what he wants to and using it to the best of his knowledge against me…. I see holes, here and there. Like I wouldn't feel or think like that, sometimes… and I become confused… then I can't seem to understand what is going on."
Allen stopped; honestly, he hated the fact he hadn't stopped sooner.
Talking so openly about his problems that only he could deal with was something only reserved for three people so far: Mana, Cross, and surprisingly L-….
"What happened to him?"
"…Who?"
"Don't," and Allen's tone was full of warning, "Piss me off, please."
Savant's mouth pursed, probably from how the topic was diverted. But relented in an almost offhand as Allen's glare withered him into knowing he wouldn't get far otherwise.
"I am not advised to say, but he is under a different assignment." Savant purposely did not say the man's name.
Allen purposely did not say that was not what he meant.
I don't… know who that man by my side was?
The seat in front of Allen was empty by the time he decided to notice.
Allen had a feeling it would stay that way.
~~~*
He was in a different room now. Darker but filled with furniture that could only belong to a room for daily visits.
A man whose presence barely flickers in his mind is sitting across from Allen. Composed, but thin of cool, the man radiated a heat so searing that one would think it was cold.
Allen instead dreamed of Mana instead. Dancing and running away as if the thing they desired was always just a few more steps away.
Hey… idiot ***** don't run so fast you won't be able to stop yourself-
That was not Mana's voice, but it was a voice Allen knew.
"Walker, are you listening to me?" The man gave off his disdain with no more then a raise of his eyebrow.
"-The evaluation will begin now, I do hope you know-"
Allen liked the color red even though it always brings a sense of foreboding.
I need things that do not break, because I'm scared that when I see shatters of pieces all around me I will not know what the meaning of whole is…
"-nd the –"
It was a bit surreal, having several different voices going on his head at once. They were not foreign voices, they were his, but they were more like echoes fluttering here and there in his head like butterflies while his dominant voice remained quiet enough to not scare them off.
"-op ignoring the consequences-"
Was he? Oh wait, that came from outside his head? Or was it inside?
"Crazy-"
Ah well if he didn't know then it wasn't as important to wonder just how right or wrong he was since even if he was crazy he wouldn't be of right mind to judge himself. Better to just keep trying. Even if what he was trying for wasn't exactly clear…
"Keep going-"
Oh right- was he talking? Better pay attention to more, it was rather out of character (he's sure anyway) for him to just nod off while leaving himself open in a conversation.
"I would like to continue." Oh look, there were people in the room, with carefully hidden surprise dancing behind their faces, just like the circus when a new rival clown suddenly announced his own laughter.
Haha.
"…Continue what?" One person asked slowly, more out of guarded wary ness then from being caught off guard. People like these seemed at least capable of faster thought processes than the others currently eyeballing Allen in the room.
Continue, what, indeed?
"Existing…" That was truth, but was it enough?
"Continue what?" the echo continued…
Allen stared not comprehending.
Ha ha… Ha ha…
No one was laughing.
~~~*
Allen didn't really think the meetings held much meaning for him, even though he did try to pay attention. It was very difficult when he thought these people held no meaning to him. Their existences might as well be the same as dirt to Allen. Something there but not anything worth sparing a thought for, actually dirt had been on his mind a lot more lately, so maybe that wasn't a good analogy.
"Hey, tell me something?"
"What?"
"Why do I know my name?"
"…What a dumb question. Everyone knows their name…"
"I shouldn't, not when…?"
"Not when what?"
"…Don't know…There was something else important, other than my name, but I can't remember."
"Why worry, if you can't remember, then perhaps it just means it stopped being important to you."
"No, earlier maybe I could have considered that, but now… It just feels wrong. Nothing like getting mad one moment and then being content again; it's like… when you feel warm when the sun is out. I can't just ignore it; it's nothing I can decide to change. It's just…natural…."
"Hmm, dummy…Can't even recall something important to you… Well why you don't find it for yourself. After all, salvation is always open and you have so far shown potential to always reach for it, even if it's always been your own fault for falling into the abyss."
"Hey…!"
Allen's in a room now, maybe a train cart. Nothing is moving. It's unnatural.
It's a dream, probably…?
There's a girl, she's young and unafraid as he approaches her to ask if he can sit by her on the bench, she says okay and so he does,
She doesn't ask for his name and wisely he returns the same.
"Are you lonely?" She was alone, so Allen thought asking that was pointless.
"No… no not really, sometimes I get a little sad. But there are people who are more than just nice to me and take care of my needs good enough." She is a smart girl who knows being nice is not always good enough. With a smile, Allen perhaps feels a kinship already for reason even he does not know why.
"I see… you've lost someone important to you, haven't you?" It was polite to at least not sound like a complete know-it-all.
"Yes… I had a Papa once. He had to go away though. Not because he wanted to…well be away from me, but because he wanted me grow up so much that he made a deal with the followers of God that took him far away."
"I see…" He didn't know what else to say, he felt horrible for not being able to bring up the words he usually could. But he didn't give in to such selfish thoughts so much he would dwell on them forever.
"Sometimes I forget his face, which makes me sad even though I know I shouldn't."
"Why is that? There is nothing wrong with feeling sad when you can't remember a loved one like you used to."
"That's just it though, I no in my mind I can't remember Papa's real face anymore. It's a cloud, some days I see wisps of it, but usually the sun will shine it out before I can make out the full pattern."
She so calming, it made him feel relaxed despite the situation.
"Do you hate the sun?"
"No, the sun is not to blame, even if I could use it as a scapegoat. This is my own memory, my own fault, I will deal with it."
"How?" Did he sound as desperate as he felt, he hoped not.
She shrugged, so childlike, and yet with such adult wisdom. Whether she senses his feelings she does not say a word.
"I love Papa, even when his face becomes completely unrecognizable, his voice gone, and his scent lost…That feeling won't go away. Because Momma told me once, that real love is not an emotion that passes, it's there for good, so I'm not always lonely when I think of it that way…because Papa will always stay with me, even though he isn't here, I'll still carry on as best as I can."
She touches his hand so lightly he almost thinks it was the wind instead.
I love Lenalee, He realizes, because she is something I can embrace with my whole self and not be afraid of abandoning me.
I love Lenalee because she always says welcome home, because she is a constant reminder of what it means to be home, because she doesn't even make an effort to show and tell me she cares…
But most of all.
I love Lenalee, because she trusts me, trusts me despite all my faults and problems, she's willing to allow the world to swallow her into the ice cold just to have me in her hope representing a hope she never asked for me to carry.
And…she's alive.
I trust you, I trust you… Were words she overcame terrors for.
Allen didn't feel burdened or heavy from such revelations. Instead he felt lighter, more together.
She doesn't just need me, she wants me. I have someone who would not see me as a part of their world gone, but as an individual who sees me as Allen, a boy who can be a savior without even trying. Who brings her peace of mind and in turn can also be someone without even trying
Lenalee, I wish I could always know your name.
But, I will never forget or forsake your love, thank you.
I always have this…
"Thank you."
"What for?" The girl asked.
"For being alive."
Thank you God, thank you for allowing me to recall someone's name, just this once when I needed to the most…
Allen's dimly aware of the train moving now.
"Don't thank me for that, you were the one who choose to be saved in the end and for that, I thank you."
She actually gave a smile that was happy that stayed even when the layers were unwrapped like a present to reveal the boy that he never did embrace.
"You're not Uncle? Are you?" It's a strange thing, perhaps any other day Allen would have considered it out of character for him, right now though it made perfect sense for him to say, maybe because it helped validate the separation of their connection.
The boy whose eye carried unorthodox light grimaced back not unpleasantly. "Never said I was, I am whatever you make me out to be." The voice comes softly, "I'm not evil you know… I know what I'm doing is wrong, I just know the ends will be better by these hands." The boy is looking at the hands that may not be his.
"Isn't that what makes you evil though?" If the situation were any different, Allen might have felt harsher anger. "Knowing your actions are the opposite of good?"
"No, the situation is different always." The boy would be more convincing to Allen if his face wasn't suddenly hidden. "Oblivion is the ultimate downfall?"
"Oblivion?"
"Oblivion, oblivious… People can always give others a break when they place the blame on oblivion. In reality it's just that people use it as an excuse to be called victims when they are the worst kind of humans."
"What kinds are those…?"
"People who choose not to care, not to notice, be oblivious when it really matters. Say what you will, but those are the people who hurt others the most."
A heated slap to the face, tears, a rebirth of a loved one that was never meant to be are the residue of memories Allen can not completely grasp "…Not everyone can know everything."
"Don't use that as an excuse. Even afterwards the least that can be done is to reflect and acknowledge, but this world is rather prevalent of people who are the opposite of that."
"I know, not everyone can have the excuse… I think we're both guilty of doing that aren't we?"
"Am I?"
"Yes, I know you like to think you are aware of everything but even you can have disillusions with your might and right to judge by placing a person's worth and unworthy ness on a scale. Since you asked, you are not the one who has the right to judge others in this life or the next. Because even you…"
A hand is held out to grasp the mirror like it was an extension of itself.
"Even you…" the voice repeats back.
"Have found value in the sins worth committing." And the shine so Innocent birthed a happy sigh from Allen.
"Get out!" He said to ripples bouncing off him.
"You… are not a facet of my personality. Just because we share the same body does not mean we are, or ever will be, the same person…so do not, ever, think you can trick me into thinking otherwise. I swore I would not let you have this life. It's over. You lost your chance at life; you're not taking away mine!"
The enemy, remember the enemy, don't let him think you'll lose sight!
The ripples wavered over him but did not overwhelm him.
When Allen woke up, he fixed his bed, straightened his clothes, and sat like a composed gentleman enough to even hold back the snicker when the door was opened to a shocked face.
"…You…?"
Allen did not know the golden braid that reminded him of sunflowers or the way the man's lips flattened in a way that always meant his mind was going into critical analysis mode. He just smiled and simply said, "My name is Allen."
And he was grateful for that.
~~~*
"So you will still seek permission to work for us?"
"Yes."
"Do you even remember what you will do?"
Allen tapped his left arm – one could possibly see a shimmer of light – and thought that was enough of a response.
Levirrer did not blink watching the strange phenomenon in front of him as the Noah boy had gone from out of touch from reality to completely stable. He just leaned forward with piercing eyes of a man trying to distinguish the shadows from the darkness in the figment of an anomaly that was this boy.
"By all rights, you should be executed. I can not have a virus creating a disease I can not make a vaccine for be free to inflict us. Why should I not dispose of you, Mr….Walker, or would is it the 14th?"
Softening his face, but not smiling, Allen replied without hurry. "My name is Allen. Allen Walker. I am who I am, who I chose to be. I will never lose sight of that."
Tapping of nails can be heard, trying to drown out the flurry of thoughts running through their minds.
"It's your call, I will continue to fight against the evils that threaten the future, and you can keep having me as your tool if you like. I am useful."
Allen does not say he will continue to stay their tool only because they are also useful tools to him. A useful tool is something to be treasured and taken care of after all. But he didn't need to phrase it that way; people like these don't always handle the truth very well.
"Well said…" A voice of deadly calm cuts down whatever static was emitting from the group. The man belonging to the voice walked in with a peculiar smile as he locked eyes with Allen in a way suggesting the men and two red robed figures no longer existed in the room with them.
"Do you know who I am?"
Allen cocked his head to the side as if the sound of the name would fall into his ear.
"No. Name wise anyway; I know what you could be. " He said simply, casually.
"What is that?" Curious dares danced behind those narrow eyes.
"I had heard, one would think you had succumbed to the Noah, but yet, tests and experts alike have shown that to not be the case. Not that we have had the pleasure of such opportunities before…" Unspoken wishes were heard, perhaps second chances could be believed in another day.
"I will be the first… and last. Your opportunities are slipping."
"What kind of opportunities are you offering?"
"I thought life was more about finding your own opportunities than waiting for unknown ones to find you?" Allen smiles, secretly enough for no one to guess what lurked behind.
"You are certainly a unknown one, wouldn't you say?" It didn't really sound like a question when the man said it like that.
"I don't have to be."
"Say what you will." The command was strong with only a layer of excited irritation.
"I fight akuma, Noah, offer the Ark's use, and do it by protecting humanity."
"Is that any different from before?"
Is it? Allen wouldn't know. He only knows what's in front of him and that his feelings are natural.
Allen smiles.
"…I see… You can not fight along exorcists. Tests have already shown you react badly to the presence of Innocence users besides yourself. You will only work along side crows on missions…"
The length of the speech went on…but Allen was fine with that, for now. He already knew what he had to do, what needed to be as well as what he wanted. He would not falter or be scared because of that.
"May I ask one present to be given back to me?"
~~~*
The golden golem shyly flapped its wings from its perch on the slightly older man's shoulder before leaping to the open arms of Allen after the human had given a smile that could only be his.
"Hello Timcanpy." He didn't say it was good to see it again, because the feelings were still muddled and chaotic. But all the same Tim was a name he knew and he enjoyed the feel of his skin being smothered by the golden ball of teeth that decided to nip him.
"I have been keeping Timcanpy for you. He wouldn't go to anyone else and reacted badly to people he didn't know." The ex golem caretaker replied carefully with his mouth flat, but not unpleasantly.
"I thank you; he's a bit troublesome isn't he?" Allen pulls the golem away with his hands after it tried to eat a large clump of his hair, though he felt no real irritation. In fact, he felt almost euphoric.
"My name is Howard Link; I will be your warden from now on." Link said it all without missing a beat, how professional.
"Of course you will." Allen said without any malice.
Link did not stare nor look away from Allen's face; it was like he wasn't expecting anything, much like one does to either a stranger or a old friend.
Allen liked that.
"Well than… I'm hungry."
Sighing, Link only replied, "I'm sure you are." Before tightening the bond on Allen's wrist with a stead hand and than offering a wrapped pastry pulled out of his cloak to Allen.
~~~*
Responsibility for ones self, Allen would not forsake it again.
I thought all I needed to be responsible for was for the akuma, for humanity, and even my friends.
But I was wrong; the thing I need to be responsible for most is I.
I need to see myself as a responsibility worth having even if everything said and done I can still find worth to walk this life on my own two feet without my friends or akuma.
Even if I'm alone, the akuma becoming nonexistent, humanity no longer needing protection from the Earl's wrath, and my friends gone…I will still keep walking.
Because I really don't want to die like this, so I will not die.
Not just because of my responsibility to the akuma and humanity, but to myself.
I'll keep walking even without knowing my own final destination.
But for now, I know I won't always have to walk constantly without rest.
I have a home to go back to, it won't ever be the same again, and chances are even if I do go back every time it will be different from what I know.
But… I know people are waiting, people, who are out there trusting me; I'm not sure if I will be able to know their names or faces, but I know... I know enough to know it's something I can nurture… even if …-
I can walk as far as I can, knowing the responsibility I carry is my own, not by force, but by choice.
"Home…I want to go home….I'm going home."
Home is where I can feel rested in my spirit…
Akuma… humanity….
"Walker… Are you ready?" The braided man watched, always watched, but never left.
"Ah, I know what I want to do, don't worry, I won't waver from my path."
Allen stepped out of the burning light and into the cool darkness.
Mana… Cross… I'm a little worried…but I'm not scared.
Allen fingered the magical bond placed on him with a peculiar interest and watched as he broke the restraints that tried to hold him down.
"For now, I will keep living for my own existence, for the first time in so long."
Notes
This was more like an interlude than an actual sequel so I will be wrapping all this up in part three (the real sequel), which will come, someday.
I'm not sure why I gave Lavi's new identity the name Savant, maybe because it means scholar.
As for the girl that Allen dreamed, I would like to think that was Suman's daughter. I don't know, she seemed to fit, and it's not like Allen doesn't know what she looks like.
Originally, Lenalee was going to have even less mention here, but she had so much in Smoking that I thought I would toss a few more bones.