The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is loafing about. Just some more madness from my tiny little mind. You just can't take these people anywhere.
Thanks For The Update Comic Book Gal
"GOD DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!" Mallory Archer screamed in her office at the Figgis Agency. Behind the closed door the sounds of things being broken were heard.
Cyril, Archer, Pam, Cheryl and Krieger were outside the door listening in. "Wow," Archer winced. "I haven't heard her go this ballistic since the first time Trudy Beekman won that Woman of the Year award."
"And the second," Pam added. Another crash was heard. "And the third…"
CRASH! SMASH! SMASH!
"She is not taking this well," Cyril winced at the sound of something breaking was heard.
"Understatement of the freaking year," Pam groaned.
CRASH!
"What's got her panties in a twist?" Ray asked as he walked up with Lana.
"A number of things," Pam said. "But the big one is that ODIN shut down this huge terrorist ring in France and they're getting all this great publicity."
"Oh…" Lana and Ray looked at each other.
SMASH!
"It was on the news and in the papers this morning," Cyril sighed. "Some people are saying ODIN is one of the greatest spy agencies in the world."
"Ohhhh…" Lana and Ray winced.
"ONE OF THESE DAYS!" Mallory screamed. "ONE OF THESE DAYS I WILL BURN ODIN TO THE GROUND! I SWEAR THIS TIME I MEAN IT!"
"How are those douchebags still in business?" Archer asked. "I mean last I heard Len Trexler's brain got figuratively turned to salad."
"Thanks to us," Cyril groaned.
"Apparently Trexler has a new second in command that's actually good at his job," Pam explained. "Don't know who it is but…"
"But they are going to regret the day they ever crossed me!" Mallory swung open the door. She held a bottle of scotch in one hand and a newspaper in the other.
"So ODIN caught some terrorists?" Lana winced. "That's…no big deal."
"Not just some terrorists Lana," Mallory threw down the newspaper on the desk. "A cell of a certain group of name stealers! WHO I WILL NO LONGER SPEAK THE NAME OF! OR EVEN HEAR THE NAME OF!"
"You mean…?" Archer winced. "Those guys?"
"YES!" Mallory shouted.
"Ohhhhh…" Everyone winced.
"Yeah ooooooohhh!" Mallory mocked. "That should have been us! If anyone is going to take down those people who can't even be original enough to make up their own name…"
"Well maybe we'll get the next batch?" Pam said cheerfully.
"Heroic ODIN my supple taut ass!" Mallory screamed. "How much you want to bet those ODIN idiots probably hired those losers but then they double crossed them somehow?"
"Mallory!" Lana gasped. "I don't think even ODIN would hire terrorists."
"Why not?" Mallory snapped. "The CIA did!"
"She has a point," Archer agreed.
"It gets worse!" Mallory snarled. Then took a swig from the bottle. "Read the end of the article."
Cheryl picked up the newspaper and read. "When Grace Ryan's credit card was declined at Macy's, the TV reporter responded by physically grabbing the cash register and throwing it…"
"THE END OF THE ARTICLE ON ODIN YOU BRAIN DEAD BIMBO BILLIONAIRE!" Mallory screamed.
"I'll read it," Ray took the paper. Then he hit Cheryl on the head with the paper.
"HEY!" Cheryl snapped.
"Thank you!" Mallory sniffed before she took another swig.
Ray skimmed and read the article. "Let's see…Major terrorist cell…ODIN…Blah, blah, heroic efforts…minimal loss of life…Here it is. ODIN's representative said that taking down…That terrorist organization…Should not be confused with the failed former illegal spy agency of the same name. Because these…terrorists…are more dangerous and competent than the members of the former spy agency of the same name."
"Well that's just mean," Krieger said.
"I hate them so much…" Mallory growled. "I HATE THEM!" She threw the bottle which barely missed Cyril. It broke against the wall.
"We're talking about ODIN right?" Cheryl asked.
"Yes!" Mallory snarled. "I hate ODIN! So much…."
"We could always burn their building to the ground," Cheryl suggested.
"YES!" Mallory shouted.
"NO!" Everyone else shouted.
"Why not?" Cheryl asked.
"Yes, why not?" Mallory asked. "This is the first good idea that Glue-ella DeVil has ever had!"
"We are not committing arson against ODIN!" Archer snapped. "No matter how much they deserve it."
"Pussy," Cheryl folded her arms.
"Fine. Krieger," Mallory growled. "Do you have any exploding mice left?"
"I could make some," Krieger suggested.
"Mallory no," Lana sighed. "No! Things are bad enough around here without you resorting to one of your dumb revenge schemes."
"What?" Mallory was offended. "Name one time one of my plans to humiliate ODIN failed."
"How about that huge failure that was the diamond heist that nearly got Archer and I killed?" Lana asked. "Or the time you tried to get the UN contract away from ODIN? You remember? With the German assassins and the whole making it look like a murder/suicide/arson thing at Trudy Beekman's apartment."
"The incident in Belgium at that hotel," Ray added. "Remember? You called in a phony bomb threat at another location to throw ODIN off the scent of the terrorists we were tracking. And what happened?"
"Turns out the terrorists really were right where you said they'd be," Lana added.
"Well what kind of terrorist runs an operation out of a toy store?" Mallory snapped. "Who was their real estate agent? The Joker?"
"Actually you're thinking of Toy Man," Pam corrected.
"Who?" Mallory asked.
"There's a Superman villain called the Toy Man who uses toys to commit terrorism," Pam explained. "So that would be more fitting in this case."
"Thanks for the update Comic Book Gal," Lana quipped. "Oh and remember all those award banquets we were at with ODIN?"
"I remember most of the idiocy that happened was the fault of you, Sterling and the rest of the Brain Dead Bunch!" Mallory snapped.
"Operation Spork wasn't our fault and you know it!" Archer barked.
"Oh that…" Mallory winced.
"Don't forget Operation Umbrella," Cyril called out. "That was a nightmare."
"I still have dreams about all that mayonnaise flowing through that hotel lobby," Krieger said. "I find them highly erotic."
"Look we're not even in the spy game anymore," Lana said. "So ODIN is no longer our problem. Besides we did kill a lot of their agents over the years. Wrecked a lot of their operations. Not to mention drove Barry insane…And I'm pretty sure Len Trexler isn't exactly in charge. So can we just call it even? Or at the very least pretend to call it even?"
"She asks knowing the answer is no," Archer groaned.
Mallory looked deflated. "You're right Lana."
"See Lana! I told you…" Archer began. Then he did a double take. "Whaaaa…?"
"She's right!" Mallory admitted. "I said it!"
"Did Hell just start serving ice water?" Ray blinked.
"As much as I hate to admit it we're not in ODIN's weight class anymore," Mallory grumbled. "We're measly private detectives. And as the past several months have proven…Not very successful ones! Until we get some decent money and cases, there's no point in challenging ODIN. Not yet anyway."
"Well at least you realize that insane revenge schemes aren't the answer," Lana sighed.
"So we should work on plausible revenge schemes," Cheryl spoke up.
"Are you sniffing a new brand of glue or something?" Mallory asked. "Because your brain cell seems to be actually working for a change!"
"Mallory! MOTHER!" Lana and Archer snapped at the same time.
"Two good ideas in as many minutes?" Mallory pointed. "That's a record for her."
"Maybe we should do something else today?" Cyril asked. "Something more productive."
"Like what?" Pam snapped. "We don't have any clients and our cases are so cold you might as well stock them in the freezer!"
"How about we get out of the office and do some kind of…" Cyril struggled to think. "Team building exercise?"
To this most of the Figgis Agency responded with angry groans and complaining. Except for Mallory. "That depends," She said. "Can the exercise be releasing Krieger's flesh eating radioactive pigs in ODIN's offices?"
"NO!" Everyone but Cheryl shouted.
"Lame!" Cheryl groaned.
"I agree!" Mallory said. "Lame!"
"Okay where can we go to calm Mallory down and cause as little property damage as possible?" Lana sighed.
"Well I'd suggest a bar," Ray said. "If I didn't suspect Ms. Archer would get drunk on absinthe and go on a rampage with Cheryl tagging along."
"Well you're not wrong there," Mallory admitted. "Fine no, bars. Where else?"
"Definitely not the zoo," Cyril groaned.
"I said I was sorry about the whole monkey incident," Archer said.
"No, you didn't!" Cyril shouted. "I still have nightmares about the monkeys flinging their…"
"The mall!" Pam interrupted.
"Monkeys fling malls?" Cheryl blinked. "Since when?"
"No, Glue Guzzler!" Pam said. "I say we all go to that new mall that opened! The Beverly Plaza!"
"Is that like the Beverly Center?" Lana asked.
"It's comparable," Pam admitted. "It's got everything in there. We could walk around and relax and enjoy ourselves."
"Hanging out a mall all day?" Archer scoffed. "That's like grody to the max dude!"
"Besides going to a mall just reminds me how little money I have to spend," Ray groaned.
"Not if Cheryl pays for everything," Pam pointed to Cheryl.
"No, no! No!" Archer protested. "This is not going to be Archer and The Agency Go to the Mall!"
"That does sound like an overdone concept," Cheryl remarked.
"Archer's right," Lana said. "Going to a mall is ridiculous. We should go somewhere…I don't know. Like a museum or something?"
"Oh that's even better," Mallory said sarcastically. "We could watch priceless works of art burn to the ground!"
"Seriously?" Cheryl's ears perked up.
"Sarcastically," Mallory looked at her.
"Damn," Cheryl pouted.
"Lana that does sound like a bad idea," Ray said. "Besides remember what happened the last time we went somewhere culturally significant?"
"You mean that fancy famous old hotel we went to for my birthday?" Pam asked. "Uh…"
"Let me refresh your memory," Ray gave her a look. "There was a bar there and they had a two for one special on tequilas. The next thing we knew…"
FLASHBACK!
"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Pam rode through the hallway of the hotel on a Harley with a dolphin puppet on her hand and a naked Cyril behind her.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Oh," Pam winced. "Right…"
"Can't take you anywhere," Lana gave them a look.
"Really?" Pam gave her a look. "Have you forgotten what you and Archer did in that elevator? You were…"
"We know Pam!" Archer interrupted. "We remember. Sort of. Mostly."
"Screwing each other like crazy," Pam went on.
"I knew that," Archer said quickly.
"Oh," Lana winced. "Right."
"How could you forget?" Cheryl laughed. "At least twelve people called security to complain!"
"How could you forget what you were doing?" Archer snapped. "And as soon as I asked the question…"
"What did I do?" Cheryl asked.
"Well…." Ray sighed.
FLASHBACK!
"RARRRR!" Babou the ocelot ran amok in the bar. People fled for their lives.
"Look out!" A waiter screamed. "It's crepuscular!"
Cheryl sat on a piano laughing like crazy, eating expensive glue as a piano player played. Then she took out a match, lit it, jumped off the piano and set the piano on fire.
"AAAAHHH!" The piano player screamed as he ran off.
"Geeze la rue," Cheryl hiccupped. "You would think the man never played a piano while it was on fire before."
FLASHFORWARD!
"Oh," Cheryl realized. "Right…"
"You're one to talk about security," Lana groaned.
"What was I doing again?" Krieger asked. "Oh right…"
FLASHBACK!
"PIGGLY! STOP EATING THAT NICE MAN'S LEG AND HELP ME STEAL THIS LIQUOR!" Krieger shouted as he took bottles from the bar.
FLASHFORWARD!
"On the up side I got enough booze to get us all liquored up for about two days!" Krieger said cheerfully. "But Piggly drank it all…"
"You people are animals," Mallory sniffed.
"Said the woman who almost got arrested on an attempted rape charge," Ray gave her a look.
"What?" Mallory huffed. "I don't remember…. Oh, right…"
FLASHBACK!
At the bar at the hotel…
"Come on…" Mallory purred as she slid up against a dapper well-dressed older man in his seventies. The drink in her hand barely stirred. "How about a little quickie in the bathroom?"
"Isn't that a ring on your finger?" The older gentleman coughed.
"So?" Mallory asked.
"I think I will take a rain check on that," The older gentleman tried to pull away.
"It's pouring now," Mallory made a predatory grin.
"Oh look at the time," The older gentleman tried to get away. "I have this thing I have to go to in the morning…"
"So maybe we can have breakfast together?" Mallory grinned. "In bed…"
"CAN'T YOU SEE HE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU?" Cheryl was heard shouting. "BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO OLD!"
"SHUT UP!" Mallory screamed. "GO PLAY WITH YOUR OCELOT!"
"I really should be going…" The older gentleman tried to leave.
"Oh don't leave," Mallory held on.
"Please let go of me," The older gentleman tried to pull away. "What do you have? Robot monster hands?"
"You're confusing me with Lana!" Mallory snapped.
"Who?" The older gentleman asked.
"Never mind," Mallory said. "Come on baby…"
"No means no!" The older gentleman tried to get away. "Somebody! Anybody! HELP ME!"
"Wow! Can you be any more desperate?" Cheryl was laughing.
"Cheryl you…" Mallory did another take. "IS THAT PIANO ON FIRE?"
"No," Cheryl said as the piano burned.
VRRRROOOOOOOOOOM!
"PAM! CYRIL!" Mallory was distracted and let go. "CYRIL PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! YOU TWO…"
"AAAHHH!" The older gentleman ran away.
"Wait! Come back! Come…Oh forget it!" Mallory snapped. "PAM! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT MOTORCYCLE? PAM!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"That man ran from you faster than a tax dodger runs from the IRS," Ray remarked.
"He was playing hard to get!" Mallory snapped. "I would have had him if it wasn't for you and the other idiots. Speaking of which, what were you doing during all of this?"
"Uhhhh…." Ray thought carefully.
FLASHBACK!
"I thought I'd never escape that horrible woman," The same older gentleman breathed a sigh of relief as he hid in a bathroom stall with Ray. "How can I ever thank you?"
"I could think of a few ways," Ray raised an eyebrow suggestively.
"Well," The older gentleman grinned. "This night is looking up…"
FLASHFORWARD:
"I was in the bathroom," Ray said honestly. "A lot. Those appetizers went right through me."
"So did that guy Ms. Archer was trying to bone!" Pam snorted. "Hey-O!"
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.
"PAM!" Ray snapped.
"You little…" Mallory hissed at Ray.
"Hey it's not my fault that I'm irresistible to men!" Ray barked. "Well gay men…"
"Now I'm really depressed!" Mallory groaned. "Thanks a lot idiots!"
"You're welcome!" Cheryl said cheerfully. Mallory glared at her.
"Look we need a change of pace," Pam said. "So let's go to the mall for the day."
"Seriously Robin Sparkles?" Ray said. "What is your obsession with the mall?"
"The malls out here are kick ass!" Pam said.
"I don't want to go to a damn mall!" Mallory snapped. "And I don't want to go to a bar either."
"WHAT?" Archer was stunned.
"Are you serious?" Ray was shocked.
"I know," Mallory sighed. "I can't believe it either."
"Wow," Lana was concerned. "You really are depressed."
"Well I just restocked my bar so it's cheaper to drink here," Mallory waved. "But yes, I don't feel like my usual cheery self today."
"If you just restocked your bar what were you breaking in your office?" Archer asked.
"My empties that were already in the trash," Mallory waved. "And a few odds and ends. I needed new furniture anyway."
"Damn it Ms. Archer!" Cyril shouted. "We can't afford new furniture!"
"Relax Mr. Moneybags," Mallory gave him a look. "I will pay for my own furniture out of my own pocket. Once someone cleans my office."
"Not it," Ray said quickly.
"Not it!" Pam and Cheryl said quickly.
"Not it!" Lana, Archer and Cyril said.
"Not…DAMN IT!" Krieger groaned. "I'll go get the automatic broom…" He went off.
"But seriously Mother," Archer asked. "Isn't not wanting to go to a bar a sign of depression or something?"
"Only in your world Archer," Cyril said. "For the rest of us on Planet Earth, wanting to drink at a bar is a sign of the opposite."
"I already took three or four Xanax," Mallory waved. "And they're starting to kick in. At least I think they were Xanax…"
"You think?" Lana asked.
"Uh…" Mallory blinked. "Question: Is Xanax supposed to be purple?"
"I don't think so," Lana said.
"Okay then," Mallory blinked. She then sat down on a couch. "Then I think I took something else. And it's just starting to kick in…"
"Hang on," Archer said. "KRIEGER!"
"WHAT?" Krieger shouted back.
"IS XANAX SUPPOSED TO BE PURPLE?" Archer asked.
"With a yellow stripe down the center," Mallory added.
"WITH A YELLOW STRIPE DOWN THE CENTER?" Archer repeated.
"NO!" Krieger shouted.
"ARE YOU SURE?" Archer asked.
"PRETTY SURE," Krieger shouted back.
"Yeah I don't know any medication that's purple with a yellow stripe down the center," Cheryl said. "And I've taken a lot of medication over the years. And I mean a lot!"
"That I believe," Ray said.
"Now I know I took something else…" Mallory groaned as she sank lower into the couch. "Oh boy…Oh dear…Here I go…"
"Mother…?" Archer asked.
"Sterling dear…" Mallory spoke in a funny voice. "Mother is going on a little trip."
"Oh God no…" Archer groaned. "Not again!"
"KRIEGER!" Ray shouted.
"WHAT?" Krieger shouted back.
"DID YOU MAKE A PURPLE PILL WITH A YELLOW STRIPE FOR MS. ARCHER?" Ray shouted.
"NO!" Krieger shouted.
"ARE YOU SURE?" Cyril shouted.
"YES!" Krieger shouted back.
"ARE YOU REALLY SURE?" Pam shouted.
"YES!" Krieger shouted.
"REALLY?" Pam asked.
"I SAID YES!" Krieger shouted.
"WELL SHE TOOK A PURPLE PILL WITH A YELLOW STRIPE!" Archer shouted.
"WELL IT WASN'T ONE OF MINE!" Krieger shouted back.
"ARE YOU…" Cyril began. "KRIEGER COME OUT HERE SO WE DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT EVERYTHING AT YOU!"
"I HAVEN'T FOUND MY AUTOMATIC BROOM YET!" Krieger shouted back.
"FORGET THE GOD DAMN BROOM!" Archer shouted. "DID YOU GIVE A PURPLE PILL WITH A YELLOW STRIPE TO MY MOTHER?"
"NO!" Krieger shouted. "THAT'S NOT ONE OF MINE!"
"ARE YOU SURE?" Archer shouted.
"Yes!" Krieger stormed in. "I've made purple pills and yellow pills. I've made purple and pink pills. And pink and yellow pills. But no purple pills with yellow stripes!"
"Oh," Archer said.
"I don't even do stripes," Krieger said. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to paint stripes on little pills? I'm more of a tye-dye kind of guy."
"Well if you didn't give her the pills…" Lana said. "Do you have any idea who would?"
"Can I see them?" Krieger asked.
"Mother where are the pills you took?" Archer asked. "Mother? Mother?"
"Hey…you…" Mallory had a strange look in her eyes. She pointed to Archer. "I know you right? You're…What's his name…Good old What's his name… Good to see you! How are ya?"
"Wow," Lana blinked. "She went from Bitchville to Wacky Land in one minute flat."
"She probably took the express train," Cheryl shrugged.
"What the hell were those pills?" Cyril was stunned.
"Who knows?" Archer snapped. "Knowing her it could be some leftover experimental acid from some government black site in Arizona!"
"Mexico actually…" Mallory spoke up. "Ooohhh Mexico…"
"That's even worse," Krieger winced.
"When was the last time she was in Mexico?" Archer asked. "I think it was…Oh great. I hope these pills aren't expired! I'd hate to go through that again!"
"So this has happened before?" Ray asked.
"Are you kidding?" Archer asked. "She went on more trips on my spring breaks than I did!"
"Ooohhhh…." Mallory looked out of it.
"Should we call an ambulance?" Cyril asked in a worried tone. "We should do something right?"
"I am doing something Cyril!" Archer knelt down and looked at his mother in the eyes. "Mother! Mother! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
"Kind of hard not to with all that shouting," Mallory winced. She turned to her side. "See what I have to live with Duke? It's a wonder I haven't gone deaf yet!"
"Duke?" Pam blinked. "Ms. Archer there's nobody…"
"So Duke," Mallory spoke to the imaginary person. "How's being governor of Fiji? What? What are you doing now? So where is this Club Scud? Really? Huh…"
"Ms. Archer?" Pam said. "Are you okay?"
"Boopsie?" Mallory looked at Pam. "What the hell happened to you? Did you gain weight for a movie part or something? Or…?"
"Boopsie?" Pam blinked. "Oh no…I recognize that name."
"Me too. It's okay everyone," Archer said as he stood up. "I know this one. She'll be fine. Just don't let her drive or take a shower…Or let her do pretty much anything but sit there."
"What's going on with her?" Lana asked.
"She's having a Doonesbury Flashback," Archer said. "Which is actually better than when she gets Peanuts Envy."
"Where the hell did your mother get those pills?" Cyril asked.
"Please! My mother has more drug connections than the head of the Mexican cartels," Archer said. "She was one of the first people to try Viagra. Said it didn't work but then she had the bright idea to give it to one of her boyfriends. The rest is history."
"Okay…" Cyril sighed.
"She's taken more drugs during one weekend than the entire crowd at Woodstock," Archer added.
"We get it," Cyril sighed.
"When pharmacies run low, they call her to restock," Archer went on.
"I said we get it," Cyril gave Archer a look.
"When her dog licked her while she was sweating," Archer went on. "I swear to god it looked like it was getting stoned. You know like those frogs you can get high from by licking? It was just like that."
"We get it!" Cyril snapped. "Your mother has taken a lot of drugs!"
"My lab rats look at her," Krieger added. "And they are impressed by her stamina."
"Oh don't you start now!" Cyril snapped.
"You know that song Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds?" Pam spoke up. "It was originally titled Mallory on the Floor with LSD."
"Okay so…" Cyril groaned.
"Last mosquito bit her had to go to rehab," Ray added.
"Here we go…" Cyril groaned.
"She's been high so many times she's earned frequent flier miles," Ray added.
"Seriously?" Cyril gave Ray a look.
"She's taken so many pills she could pass as a Tunt," Cheryl spoke up.
"That's true," Pam admitted.
"So we're all just going to rip on Mallory now?" Lana asked.
"She's been bombed more times than towns during World War Two!" Pam added.
"Apparently yes," Cyril groaned. "By the way Inappropes Pam!"
"Still too soon?" Pam asked.
"Hey Mike…" Mallory said in a funny voice as she looked at Cyril. "How's it going? How's your wife JJ? Is she still trying to be some kind of crackpot artist?"
"Wow," Pam remarked. "Mike isn't even married to JJ anymore. She really is having a flashback."
"Can we focus on doing something for Mallory before she dies?" Lana barked.
"She's not going to die Lana!" Archer rolled his eyes. "I told you. I've seen this before. She's just going to ramble on in her comic strip fantasy for a few hours then pass out. This is one of her least violent drug fueled episodes. So the best thing to do is take advantage of it."
"Wait," Cyril held up his hand. "A Doonesbury Flashback is less violent than a Peanuts Envy one?"
"I know. You would think they were the other way around but no," Archer sighed.
"How…?" Pam began.
"She has issues with Lucy," Archer explained. "That's all I'm going to say."
"This is something we don't want to know do we?" Ray sighed.
"No you do not," Archer sighed.
"So what do we do?" Lana asked.
"About Lucy?" Cheryl asked. "She is a crabby…"
"About Mallory!" Lana snapped.
"Well…" Archer looked at his mother who had a glassy look in her eye. "It looks like she's starting to slip into Phase Two. The drugged out dazed state so she's not going anywhere. So we should go somewhere. I suggest a bar."
"We cannot leave your mother alone drugged out of her mind on the couch!" Lana barked.
"Yes, we can!" Cheryl disagreed.
"What do you want me to do Lana?" Archer asked. "Hire a babysitter? We're already nearly in hock with AJ!"
"What about calling Ron?" Pam asked. "He can come pick her up."
"That's a great idea," Ray said. "Archer call Ron."
"I don't know his cell phone number," Archer said.
"Call your mother's house then," Ray asked.
"I don't know that number either," Archer said. "I have it on speed dial."
"Well then speed dial the house!" Ray snapped.
"That doesn't do any good," Archer said. "Ron usually goes out for the day."
"Can't you speed dial Ron's number?" Pam asked.
"I don't have it geniuses!" Archer snapped. "I think I said that just a few seconds ago!"
"Why don't you have Ron's number?" Cyril asked. "He is your step…"
"AAHH! AAH! AAAH!" Archer interrupted him.
"Your step…" Cyril tried again.
"LA NA LA NAAAA!" Archer interrupted.
"Really?" Cyril sighed. "Still? After all this time?"
"They've been married for over four years now!" Ray snapped. "And you still can't deal with the fact that technically Ron is your step…"
"AAAH AAAH AAAHHH!" Archer interrupted with loud yells.
"Oh real mature," Cyril groaned.
"LA AAAAH! LAAA AAAHHHHH!" Archer put his hands over his ears. "LA LA LA! NOT LISTENING! LA! LA! LA!"
"Laaaa, laaa, laaaa…" Mallory followed in a sing song voice.
"I will call Ron," Lana got her phone.
"Wait, you have his number?" Archer took his hands off his ears.
"Yes, I have his number!" Lana said. "Ron is…well technically step…"
"LAAAA!" Archer shouted again.
"Grandfather!" Lana shouted. "Step-Grandfather!"
"Oh," Archer blinked. "Okay that's not so bad."
"Asshole," Ray shook his head.
"Seriously?" Pam gave Archer a look.
"What?" Archer asked.
"Hello Ron?" Lana spoke into the phone. "It's Lana. Listen there was a minor incident at work today…Well Mallory took some pills and now she's kind of out of it. Archer says not to worry but…Purple with a yellow stripe. No, it's a Doonesbury Flashback. Not a Peanuts Envy. Okay. Oh so this has happened before to you too huh?"
"How does Ms. Archer know about Doonesbury?" Pam asked.
"She made me read it when I was a kid," Archer told her. "In order to help me understand the world and stuff. I think she liked the comic but didn't want to admit it."
"She certainly has a lot in common with Duke you gotta admit," Pam remarked.
"Uh huh," Lana spoke into the phone. "Uh huh. Uh huh. But…Okay. Fine! We'll bring her home. Thanks a lot Ron."
"Well?" Cyril asked as Lana hung up.
"Ron is at the track," Lana said. "Apparently he and Mallory had a fight this morning so long story short…"
"We're stuck with her," Pam groaned.
"Just throw a blanket over her," Archer said. "She'll be fine."
"Archer you can't abandon your mother when she's like this," Lana said.
"Why not?" Archer said. "She's done it to me!"
"He does have a point," Cyril admitted.
"What were we talking about in the first place?" Cheryl asked.
"I honestly don't remember," Cyril groaned.
"Wow we really do go off tangent a lot don't we?" Ray asked.
"A little too much," Lana sighed.
"So let's go to the bar down the street," Archer got a blanket out of a desk drawer. "Leave Mother here. And later off one of us will give me and her a ride to her house."
"Why do you need a ride?" Lana asked. "I ask knowing the answer is that your stupid car won't work again."
"There's something weird going on with the tires," Archer admitted. "Only three of them spin and the one in the back won't. I don't know how that happened."
"I don't know how you got conned into buying the worst lemon in the world," Ray asked.
"He probably didn't look at the skin hard enough," Cheryl spoke up. "It has to be bright yellow with no wrinkling."
"Not an actual…" Ray began. "Never mind. Let's just go get some drinks."
"But what about work?" Lana asked.
"What work?" Cyril snapped. "Honestly right now I'm so relieved that Ms. Archer isn't going to kill us I'm willing to knock off early."
"Finally!" Archer draped the blanket over Mallory's head.
"Night night…" Mallory said in a strange voice before falling asleep.
"See? She's fine," Archer waved.
"Interesting definition of fine…" Lana rolled her eyes.
"Let's go get wasted!" Krieger cheered.
"Yeah!" Pam and Cheryl agreed.
"Hang on," Archer went into his mother's office. He came out with a credit card. "Drinks are on Mother!"
"That makes it even better!" Ray grinned.
"Some detective agency this is," Lana groaned as they left. "The only thing we can find is a bar."
"Maybe we'll get lucky and find some sanity there?" Cyril groaned.
"Unless it's in a bottle," Lana admitted. "I doubt it."