A/N: Hello, and welcome to my first Thor fanfiction! It's going to be REALLY long, but I am going to try to write many chapters before I publish the one before so people don't have to wait long. The story is going to follow the plot and flow of the Thor movies, but with Loki having a slightly different role and view in each. It's going to pick up soon once I get back on track with the movies, but for the first couple of chapters, it's gonna be more of a setting up for things to come. Please review and let me know what you think! Hope everyone stays with me to the end with this one. I'm really excited to be writing it. Enjoy!
Chapter One: The Nightmare
Loki closed his eyes against the sun and stars. Grass swayed against his calves while a breeze wrapped him in a gentle embrace; the most physical contact he'd had in a while. The vast plain was a good distance from the palace and he was comfortable here. It never felt less like home since coming back from Earth in chains.
He blinked and saw Thor in the corner of his eye some distance off. Perhaps he was looking for him after his absence from dinner. Thor was usually adamant about family dinners, which was sort of un-common with the warrior type of people that made up Asgard.
His brother waved and smiled his great goofy grin like a complete idiot. An obvious difference between himself and Thor was that Loki definitely did not wear his heart on his sleeve. Thor showed his affection, time and again, much to Loki's displeasure. Though he quietly enjoyed Thor's love towards himself, he didn't like to witness when his brother showered his favor upon others.
Rolling his eyes, Loki took a step towards his brother's direction when panic seized his heart. Something wasn't right.
Loki was running towards Thor before his mind had caught up with him. His heart thudded painfully against his sternum and his panic refused to subside. But even though he ran faster than he had in his life, Thor wasn't getting any closer.
"Thor!" he shouted as loud as he could. But Thor just kept waving. He didn't seem to notice Loki's distress at all.
Loki continued to run before he suddenly stopped. He sank to his knees as realization sank in and had turned his legs to jelly beneath him. No amount of running would help. His effort to reach Thor was less than futile.
He felt his face burning, but not with exertion. His throat closed up, and his eyes stung painfully as grief stabbed his heart and twisted its invisible blade. The cry he let out for his dead brother that had vanished from the horizon was one he had not heard since Frigga's death.
Loki awakened with a violent jerk. His heart thudded wildly, almost painfully, and his breathing was hard and raspy. Through the fogginess of sleep he felt a lump stuck in his throat as grief bit down and held firm; near suffocating him. The cool wetness he felt in his hair were from tears he didn't know he had shed in his sleep.
Loki brought up trembling fingers to wipe away the offending salt water and rubbed his eyes hard. He scowled when the traitorous moisture still clung to his skin.
It took a few minutes before his breathing evened out. The acid of emotion, cleared away by convulsive swallowing, finally left his lungs free to breathe.
He felt utterly foolish and irrational when his mind and body had calmed down.
'I hate Thor,' he thought aggressively. 'It doesn't matter to me whether he lives or dies.' The lies crowded his thoughts even when he knew his sentiments about his brother was only half true.
As much as he resented, envied, and, yes, hated Thor, Loki knew that he loved him with equal measure.
'Such weakness,' he said to himself, as he rolled onto his side. His affection towards his brother was locked away in the deepest chamber of his heart where admitting it was near impossible. It was this damnable dream's fault that his sub consciousness had picked the lock before he had woken up.
Nonetheless, Loki wasn't a dunce. He knew indifference, not love, was the opposite of hate. And he was anything but indifferent towards his brother.
'A silly dream doesn't matter, anyways,' Loki thought. He knew Thor was alive and well. He decided his dream was playing a trick on him. He had seen Thor not so long ago when his brother came to tell "Odin" of Loki's death.
All the other nightmares Loki had had before this one consisted of his tortured days among the Chitauri. 'Those are a real cause for some sleepless nights, indeed,' he figured.
Loki wondered if the dream of Thor revealed some hidden guilt from tricking his brother, but he knew that was not the case. A person did not feel guilt over things they did not regret.
'Thor wouldn't smile at me, either,' he thought bitterly, remembering his brother's perpetual frown directed at him when they had returned from Midgard. 'I threatened and killed his oh-so-precious mortals.'
He threw heavy blankets off of him with unnecessary force and got up; refusing to acknowledge the jealousy he felt towards the humans burning in his stomach.
'Absolutely loathsome,' he spit out, not sure whether he meant the humans or himself.
Pushing the dream to the back of his mind, he went about his day disguised as Odin. Almost two months had gone by and nobody was the wiser.
"Send thirty warriors to Vanaheim," Loki, as Odin, said to the top warrior sitting at the table. Other warriors and some older councilmen were there as well, speaking about Asgardian business. "They will be able to maintain order."
Loki sighed heavily when he realized the day was only half done. He knew ruling Asgard would be challenging, but hadn't really accounted for how tiring it would be. The word, 'boring,' almost crept into his mind before he shoved it away.
When he first took Odin's place he reveled in the sight of Agardians kneeling at his feet. People who had quietly looked down upon him were lowered as they ought to have been when he was still the prince.
Their subservience was a shallow satisfaction, however, since his true identity was not known to the masses. Odin was still in his sleep and would not wake while Loki kept him in it.
'Speaking of the old man,' Loki thought, stifling a yawn from lack of sleep.
He stepped up to a wall in his room and incanted a spell that opened a hidden door to a large chamber. Behind the door lay Odin on a wide bed with the golden Odinsleep orb around him. It had been a good month since Loki last came to 'visit.' If Odin really could hear him while asleep, he didn't want to overindulge the man with company neither of them wanted or enjoyed.
He looked down at his adoptive father for a few moments before speaking.
"I could kill you now, this very instant, and not feel any sort of remorse," he said to the sleeping god. "None that would really register, at least. You do not love me, All-Father, and I must confess that I stopped loving you when I fell into the Void."
He paused, thinking back on the moment his released his hold on Gungnir.
"And do you know what," he asked, "Before that day, I had never felt or been so free."
Loki had been truly heartbroken that day on the Rainbow Bridge when he had realized his father's apathy towards him. Odin may have barely awoken from his Odinsleep when he made it to the bridge, but his lack of emotion could not be excused or reasoned away.
When Thor had invaded Jotunheim, Odin was about to fall into his sleep, and he still showed more emotion towards his biological son than he ever did towards Loki. It did not escape the prince's notice when he searched Odin's face for any kind of paternal concern about his actions on the man's behalf. But all he saw was indifference and a vague eye, even as the son he supposedly loved dangled off the bridge that led to nothingness below.
When he had truly given up his desire to please the man who had no regard for him, when he had let go of Odin's staff, it was liberating. If only he could stop loving Thor with the same absoluteness, but he knew better than to hope of such a thing.
"Mother still came to see me when I was in the dungeons, you know," he continued speaking. "When you sentenced me to be imprisoned for life. I often wish it were you that died that day instead of her."
He looked down at Odin's face again.
"I think you wish the same of me. My life instead of hers."
With that, Loki turned and left.
Loki stretched out his arm until it hurt, as if the action would bring Thor closer somehow. He ran desperately towards his brother, wanting to decrease the space between them, but still not covering any distance. He could not reach his big oaf of a brother who looked so joyous to see him.
Loki startled awake again. 'The third time this week!'
He thought the dream would be done with him after that first time, but the nightmare wasn't going away. The sorrow that engulfed him was the same as well as the dampness he felt on his pillow. Clear evidence from the pain made by his grief over the deceased-Thor of his dreams.
'Damn you, Thor!' he yelled mentally.
"Damn, sentiment!" he cursed aloud.
'I can't go on like this for much longer,' he thought.
Experiencing grief for his brother would affect his act as king. The feeling of mourning for Thor, however brief after waking up, was horrible. It was torture.
He was nowhere near recovered from Frigga's death, and that was real. More real than a dream of Thor being dead. Loki never had nightmares about his mother. His mother was gone, and the crushing despair wracked him unexpectedly in his moments of solitude when he thought he was safe.
He reluctantly realized that having his brother made Frigga's death more bearable. Her absence wasn't less painful, of course. Thor being alive only helped Loki better deal with the loss. If Thor were gone… He didn't allow himself to think about it.
Loki was exhausted. Three weeks had passed and he was extremely sleep deprived. Every time he nodded off he would be yanked awake by consuming anguish made by his dream.
"I prefer to Chitauri torture dreams to this," he said aloud to himself. He really did wish for those nightmares of being tortured instead just to get some semblance of rest back, however little.
Loki stood over a large basin and summoned the potions necessary in order to see what his brother was up to in real time.
Thor was still on Midgard, eating with a few of those wretched Avengers that Loki had fought against. He felt a scowl on his face at the sadness in his brother's eyes, apparent even as he laughed at what appeared to be a joke told by the man who wore iron.
Thor did think his brother was dead, after all. It made sense he would mourn.
'Sentiment,' Loki scoffed, deliberately ignoring his own reactions every time he had awakened from the nightmare of Thor being beyond his reach.
Loki knew, in his own mind, that he couldn't fault Thor his sorrow over his supposed death. As much as he hated to admit it, Loki knew his brother loved him beyond anything.
'The fool,' Loki thought halfheartedly.
He leaned his face onto his right hand as a heavy sigh came forth.
'I need sleep,' he thought tiredly.