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Tears In HeavenWhite. Brightness all around, visible even to closed eyes. What the hell …
"That's not decided yet."
Faith jerked her eyes open when she heard the unfamiliar voice. For some seconds, she couldn't see anything, then slowly the light faded and she could make out a figure standing before her, a tall woman with light brown hair, clothed in white.
"Where … where am I?" she asked confused, her voice shaking a little. "Where's B?"
"You are in the limbo, Faith", the woman answered calmly. "And Buffy is not here – don't worry, she's all right", she added when the dark-haired girl tensed visibly.
"The limbo? What the hell's that?"
A slight frown appeared on the woman's face. "The limbo is where the souls have to remain until their fate is decided."
The souls? Faith swallowed, suddenly her mouth was dry. "The …" Her voice was croaky, so she cleared her throat and tried again: "The … souls? Does that mean I'm … dead?"
"I'm afraid it does." The woman looked at her, her expression showed understanding and compassion. "What's the last thing you remember?"
Faith tried to remember, but … her memory was strangely vague, blurred images that mingled and whirled ... A frown appeared on her forehead as she concentrated harder, tried to force her memory to come back, and then something happened: Slowly first, then quick and quicker the vision cleared, everything seemed to glide back in place, and suddenly she remembered …
"The Final Battle! The cave was breaking down 'round us, but B wouldn't leave Spike, an' I couldn't leave her, right? So everyone else was out, and I kept yellin' at her to move her ass, but she didn't … an' then she did, an' it was the last moment, everything was collapsin' all round … " She let out a gasp. "We made it to the basement, but ran into five Ueber-Vamps lurkin' there … B had the scythe, but she was injured … one of the monsters knocked her down … she threw the scythe to me … I wanted to help her, to save her, but … three of them were on me … I know I dusted one of the bastards, but … but …"
Her voice faded. Tears were rolling down her face. "I failed her …" She whispered. "She counted on me and I failed her … again …"
"It's not your fault, Faith. You did your best. Nobody can expect any more from you."
"Bullshit!" Faith growled, suddenly angry. "I was there, I should've saved her, an' I didn't! That's all that counts! She's dead because of me! 'My best' wasn't good enough, as usual …"
"But you died trying to save her."
"WHO CARES?" She was yelling now. "Who fuckin' cares if I died trying? My death's worth a shit if I didn't do it, if I didn't save her!" Stuck by a sudden thought, she looked around. "Where is she? Why's she not here? If she's dead, why's she not here?" A glimmer of hope was lit in dark eyes. "Or … or didn't she …"
But the woman shook her head. "I told you, Faith: Only those souls come here those judgment is uncertain and whose fate has not yet been decided. That does not include the soul of Buffy Summers."
For the first time since she'd found herself at this strange place, Faith smiled, for the first time she felt happy, and even the burden of her failure and guilt seemed to be lightened a little. "So she's in Heaven?"
"Where else would she be? Champion of the People … She has saved the world so many times, she has sacrificed herself to save it, and now she has died defeating the First Evil … Where else would she be but in Heaven?"
Faith's smile brightened … then slowly faded, being replaced by an expression of sadness, pain and resignation. "I'm never gonna see her again, then …" She sighed heavily. "At least she's where she belongs … an' I'll be where I belong, too …"
"What do you mean?"
The Dark Slayer looked at the woman incuriously. "She's in Heaven!" she said, like it explained everything. "There's no way I'm gonna be permitted there!" Quietly, more to herself, she added: "I don't belong there."
But the woman just shook her head again. "Do you ever listen? I told you that your fate is not yet decided. At the moment, you're standing at the crossroads, in a manner of speaking: One way leading to Heaven, one to Hell – but the decision is not yours … not any more."
Faith hung her head. She would give everything to change the things she'd done, to take them back … she'd tried so hard to set things right, to make up for what she'd done, to gain redemption …
"We know that." The Dark Slayer looked up in surprise. The women's eyes showed warmth. "We saw what you did, Faith – all of it, that's what makes the decision so difficult: There's the killing of Alan Finch, the betrayal of your friends, the murder of Professor Lester Worth, the attempt to kill Angel, your support of Richard Wilkins, there's the body-switch and all the pain you caused … It's a long list, Faith, and a heavy burden. – Yet, you saw the error of your ways, you took responsibility for your deeds, you did seek redemption, and you tried to help the people you had hurt … You turned yourself into jail, you broke out to stop Angelus, you came to Buffy's aid when she needed you, you fought with her and helped to defeat the First Evil and save the world … without you, she would not have been able to do it."
Faith didn't dare to look up. She already knew the decision. Maybe she'd done some good, but not only had she take lives, she'd murdered in cold blood … no way a murderer would be allowed in Heaven. I don't deserve to be in Heaven! "How long …" she whispered.
When no answer came, she did look up. The tall woman's face was an expression of concentration, apparently she was listening to something Faith couldn't hear. "What's goin' on?"
For some seconds, the woman didn't answer. Then she looked at Faith and smiled. "It seems that someone disagrees with you on what you deserve …" She made a gesture an some part of the foggy-white surrounding became transparent, like a window to nothing. Then, before Faith could even ask, the face of Buffy Summers appeared there like on a screen, and at the same moment her voice was to be heard:
"What do you mean she's not here?! Where else would she be?"
The picture zoomed out and a woman in white clothing was to be seen, looking identical to the one standing before Faith. But the Dark Slayer had no time to ask, for the woman on the 'screen' answered: "I told you that her fate has not yet been decided. She's in the limbo, awaiting her decision."
"What decision?"
"Whether she will be sent to Heaven or to Hell."
"TO HELL?" Buffy's shock and horror were evident. "You can't send her to Hell!"
"She has murdered innocent people."
"And she regrets it! She has done whatever she could to redeem herself. I thought you guys were all about redemption!"
The woman next to Faith actually smirked at that, while her twin on the 'screen' chose to ignore Buffy's words. Instead she asked: "Why do you care?"
The blond Slayer stared at her. "What? You want to condemn Faith to Hell and you ask me why I care?"
"Exactly. After what she did to you …" Faith closed her eyes. I'll never be able to make that right … I'll never … Her eyes, however, jerked open again when she heard Buffy's answer.
"Aren't you supposed to be omniscient or something? How can you be so dense? I forgave Faith a long time ago. What she did was terrible, but it wasn't her fault alone, I also am responsible for what happened, for the way things went down."
"How could you be responsible? You didn't kill Alan Finch …"
"But I was there!" Buffy almost yelled, obviously forgetting where she was and who she was talking to. "I was there, I practically threw him into Faith's stake! I'm just as responsible as she is, and if she's guilty, I'm too!"
Faith couldn't believe her ears. Did she really just say she was … But she didn't have time to finish that thought, because the woman spoke again: "But you realized he was human."
"A split of a second before Faith, that's all. If that's enough to condemn somebody …"
"It's not just that, and you know it. She betrayed you, she turned evil, fought against you, tried to kill Angel … and you're not responsible for that!"
"Am I not?" Buffy snorted. "If I had been a better friend, if I hadn't been too wrapped up in my own problems to really notice Faith, things might have been different, Faith might never have changed sides!"
The dark-haired girl was sad, confused and happy all at once: Sad, because Buffy had just confirmed what she'd feared the whole time … She never really noticed me back then … confused and happy because the blond girl seemed to be willing to take some of the responsibility for what happened, she wasn't putting all the blame on her. But how can she? She didn't make me turn to the Mayor, she didn't make me kill the professor, and try to kill Angel … that were my choices, I'm the one to blame!
"So that's the reason why you argue for her?" the woman on the 'screen' said. "You're feeling guilty because you let her down? And now you're pitying …"
"I'm NOT pitying Faith!" Buffy growled, interrupting her. "Faith doesn't need my pity, Faith doesn't want my pity – and I don't have any pity for Faith! She's too strong for that, has worked too hard on herself, and we have been through too much together … there's no pity involved here!"
Faith stared at the 'screen'. "Wow, B", she whispered, almost in awe. "Ya sure got that one right!"
"All right then, no pity. But guilt is not enough, either. If you're just doing this to ease your own burden …"
"Will you shut up already?!" Faith's eyes grew large when she heard Buffy yell at the woman – who, after all, was an angel or something. Worried, she looked at her own companion, but the woman only smiled, apparently genuinely amused.
"I feel guilty about what happened between us, and about the role I played in all of it", Buffy admitted, more calmly. "I wasn't the friend I should have been, the friend Faith deserved … and I couldn't give her what she needed …what she wanted from me …" She fell silent for a moment, while Faith's mind was racing. Can she possibly mean … no, no way she … but it sounds like …
"I feel guilty", the blond woman repeated, "but that's not the reason I care."
"Then what is?" The woman's voice was gentle. "Why are you fighting so hard for her? Why can't you stand the thought …"
"Because she doesn't deserve it!" Buffy snapped. "She doesn't …"
The woman just looked at her, waiting.
"Because … because … I need her …" The word were only whispered, but Faith could hear them clearly. She stared at the 'screen', open mouthed, and a faint spark of hope glimmered in her eyes, in her heart. She … she needs me? Buffy … me? But … why, how …
"Why? Why do you need her?"
"Because …" All the energy and defiance seemed to have left Buffy, suddenly she looked very desperate and vulnerable. "Because I … I never told her …" Tears were rolling down her cheeks now. "All the time I never told her … but I have to tell her, she has to know …"
"Know what?"
"That I love her."
Faith just … she felt like her heart was exploding, was bursting through her chest, growing wings and flying … flying … flying to find B, so that at least it could be were it belonged. She couldn't think, she … she realized she was crying … She loves me! She really loves me! Buffy, she … And suddenly, there was another thought: Even if they send me to Hell, my heart will always be with her … a part of me will always be in Heaven! And for the first time in her life, Faith Lehaine knew the feeling of peace.
"I love her." That was on the 'screen' again, and although Buffy's picture was blurred through her tears, Faith knew that her Slayer-sister was no longer crying, no longer vulnerable, for the strength was back in her voice, the power – and an overwhelming gentleness and love that made her shiver.
"You want to know why you can't condemn Faith to Hell? Why I won't let you? I'm telling you why: If you do that, I'm gonna find a way, I'm gonna tear down the Gates of Hell, and I am gonna bring her back were she belongs! Back here with me! Because Heaven can't be Heaven for me without Faith."
Buffy stood before the white-clothed woman, staring at her with the fire of challenge in her eyes, but the woman only smiled. "I know", she said simply. "I've always known. You had to realize – and she had to hear."
Suddenly, the 'screen' was blank, and then it was gone. Faith turned her head, but the woman was gone, too … and there stood Buffy. And then she was in her arms, and they were kissing and crying and laughing all at once and whispering to each other … until everything went white again, and Faith felt herself rising, or falling, she couldn't tell, and Where's B? and then there was light, bright and warm …
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That's mysterious, isn't it? Well, there's more to come – I wonder if you can guess what will happen next … Tell me your guesses, if you like to; in other words: Please review!